Wednesday, June 29, 2011


10:00 a.m. 2nd Radiation treatment.
All went pretty well. 
Going into the Oncology clinic is an experience in itself. Sad to say, I never knew these places even existed... Before now.
Everyone should go to one. It's a kind of sacred place in an odd kind of way.

It is kind of like a Methadone Clinic I once had to go to pick up papers of a drug addicted mom.
Everyone arrives at their own designated time. We all seem like addicts that arrive and wait to get the drugs they pass out but instead of drugs, it's radiation beams. Most everyone has black marks penned in on their bodies where the Radiation will blast them. It's like they wear a badge of where the cancer is located on their ravaged bodies.  My husband's lines his entire neck and down his chest.
There are loads of chairs and tables, coffee and a large table where the patients with no family to sit and hold their hand seems to congregate. On the table is a beautiful puzzle being put together by the hands of cancer patients. Some are at the end of their treatments and some, like us are just beginning. 
You can tell the newbies because we have that "I'm so lost. I'm so scared" look in our eyes. The veterans seem so used to it, almost hardened to it. 

Today, I was sitting in my chair and this tall slim gorgeous woman walked in and checked in at the front desk. She had very short almost white hair. I noticed her because she had on a pretty white ruffled top and cute jeans. When she turned around, we smiled at each other.
She was stunning. So elegant even with her practically bald head and perfect makeup. 
I have never known a stranger so I commented to her how beautiful she looked and her makeup was so pretty. She told me that her makeup routine is her saving grace. She told me it is her sanity at the beginning of her day. I asked her how far she was into her treatment. She said she has been doing this since November non-stop! Wow.
She had gone into remission for one week and it has flared back up but this was her Journey. She told me she knew her journey would soon be over and she was ready. She was tired.
 I remembered my first blog post was named A Journey of Fear. 
She must have seen the fear and anguish that is like an envelope that surrounds me.. She sat by me and held my hand and whispered to me that it was all God's way. I sat in the middle of a very crowded waiting room while a perfect stranger held me in her arms and comforted ME. This beautiful woman had probably been thru more hell that I can even imagine. She hugged me and held me in her arms for a very long time. She seemed to never want to let go.
My journey with my husband is just beginning and I have the horrible feeling that her journey is about to end too soon.  I cried and cried and this seriously ill woman held me so close. 

Today, my husband refused to eat. He has lost so much weight. I see his once so perfect athletic butt fading before my eyes. His arms are looking so thin. I try and BEG him to eat but he says just the thought of food makes him nauseous.  
I made a pact with myself to NEVER eat in front of him. Ever. How could I? This is a man that loved his steaks and pizzas and junk food. Today, I grabbed a bologna sandwich and hid behind the freezer in the storage room and ate it standing up, hurrying in case he came to find me. It just seems so wrong to enjoy food in front of him when he can't any longer. His feeding tube surgery is scheduled for the 7th of July.  He will get fed but will never taste it.

We have a brain MRI tomorrow after the 3rd radiation treatment. For some heinous reason, this rare cancer loves to find a home in the brain. 
I pray his head is sharp and clear.  He is fading on me and my heart is aching. He says he's tired already and this fight hasn't really even begun!
His best friend and former NFL coach  is flying in next week to stay a few days. I am crossing my fingers those two "good ole boys" can talk about football, quarterbacks and game days and he'll be a motivator for him. We need a miracle right now.

PS. Floridapossum/ Pamela has started a candle site for my husband and I am amazed once again by all of you. I showed this to my husband tonight and he broke down in tears. 

floridapossum said...

Hey Sweetie did you see all the beautiful candles we've lit for y'all?

People are still lighting them. 

All of the candles lit for him all from perfect strangers from across the globe is simply astonishing to us both! 
Your words are like magic and we treasure each letter, message, comment and tweet. 
I only wish I had the energy and time to personally answer each one.  You are all pushing us both forward and I feel you there. You bring us comfort.
I love you all and love your messages of Hope and Love.


  1. Amazing the love we find in strangers at times like this Lana. We are all lighting candles for you. I know it seems impossible, but you MUST take care of yourself right now. You will be so tired..physically and emotionally. I've been through this with my mother, and I know that taking care of yourself is the last thing on your mind but you MUST. You must rest, you must eat Lana....... BIG GIRL PATTIES require nourishment! xoxoxoxo HUGS to Mr. "Indiana"

  2. I love you Lana,
    Im praying for you and your family..I hold you tight in my thoughts, heart, and prayers..and my Arms..I wished to give you both a huge hug.
    God Bless<3~Angie<3

  3. Oh Lana, I am a nurses aide and I recently gave up pursuing a further nursing career. I have every urge to be the aide on the oncology floor taking care of your I wish I could just come in take care of him and keep you comforted. I have helped out on oncology floor before and it is a very touching floor to work on. It angers me how people on youtube are worried about moving to LA and going to imats when you have this going on, something so real and touching. Love you very much girl, its very easy to get a hold of me ( my twitter, my up till 4am ct alot of nights so if you ever feel alone at a odd hour dont hesitate to get a hold of me.

  4. Lana, i haved lived a life of fear and anxiety due to panic attacks and find relaxation and comfort in watching makeup videos and yours is one i LOVE i watched your video and have been reading your blog and i am amazed at the strength of you and your husband and thought i would take a minute to let you know that you have changed the way i look at life, in your time of sadness you have given hope to someone that not to long ago wanted to give up, please thank your husband for showing me what true strength is ... prayers and love

  5. Lana, the little intuitive voice in my head said to send you and "Mr. Lana" images of beauty, and this is what popped into my mind. This is the sombrero galaxy (see link below). It is about 40,000 light years across. I look at something like this and remember that everything we humans think we know, the entire catalog of human knowledge, is simply a grain of sand. And beyond what we think we know, there unfolds a sublime Mystery.

    If the link doesn't work, just google "sombrero galaxy"; it's breathtaking.


  6. Dear Lana,

    I wish i could give you a hug in person! These difficult days are sprinkled purposely with little miracles, such as the gorgeous lady with the makeup. There are angels all around us. To a lot of us, you ARE an angel some days, when we are sad, without hope, or just need a little laugh. Just like you are an angel to Mr. Indiana. You are always in my thoughts!!

    And to Mr. Indiana, keep it up!! Don't you dare let something as cowardly as cancer get you down! Kick it's ass!!

    Love you both!!

  7. PS

    It is "anonymous" Elizabeth ^^

    my email is

    if you ever need someone to talk to or anything else, please don't be a stranger!!

  8. God will send you many angels along your journey and I believe the stunning lady who has cancer and held you in her arms is one of them. Still praying and sending you love and light.

  9. Surrounding yourself with family and friends can be like a dose of medicine. Never stop reaching out...either of you. It's love and a connection to others that keep this world revolving. It's what we all survive on. It's as vital as the food we eat and air we breathe. Lean on your friends and family and lean on us. We're all here for you both. We love you.

  10. Lana, I seriously think about you and your husband so much during my day and I'm always checking your blog on my phone during the day but one particular time that I was thinking about you in a crazy way broke me down was I needed a new pedi-scrub to do my feet. This was my first video by you talking about the Pedi-scrub that I watched from you. I was in CVS buying one and this made me think how my sweet and beautiful Lana was doing and what her and her precious husband was going through right now. This made me tear up... When you spoke about this clinic made me think of my mother had to go to them treatments for just radiation she refused chemo. I remember her telling me how the parking lot of that facility was filled with peoples vomit because of how sick these treatments made people. Now my mothers Cancer was no comparison to this at all but that what came to mind when you spoke of this clinic. I do agree with that lady who was comforting you with these treatments for your husband so true about this was all in God's way. All our lives are numbered we aren't promised tomorrow but I know as long as your husband fights I believe God will reward him with time. I pray he continues to fight with all his might not only for himself but for you and the family. I'm going to light a candle for him now. Thanks for telling me about this. xo

  11. Hi Lana,
    I am fasting for you and your husband as I write - so no name here - and I had prayed and asked the Lord to send just the right people to you to help draw you both nearer to Him. Yes, do read the Psalms, as one suggested and also talk to Jesus about your suffering, as you are partaking of His sufferings "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearance of Jesus Christ" ( 1 Peter 1:7). This is a good time to talk with others who have strong faith and deep knowledge of the Bible, not because of fear of death, but because they can help you find the kind of comfort that only God can give and because this kind of a trial is an invitation to come closer to Him and learn of Him at His feet. To come onto Holy, Holy ground. Pray together to Him an ask to be led and talk to Him throughout the day asking for direction and strength - He will answer. Listen for Him in quiet.

    I am sure many people who are not commenting are seeing and praying, too. You are cared for more than you know. Give glory to God.

  12. Lana, I had no idea.. I will pray for his quick recovery and your well being. I can't imagine how much this must hurt. You are such a good person and I hope you are okay. Stay strong!

  13. Lana i send you love , this morning i told my husband i needed to pray for someone i know from the internet. my wonderful hubby ask your name , i said her name is Lana but i don't know his and he has cancer . he said its ok god knows where its going and who its for ! so the man i know is my gift from god got on his knees and prayed beside me as i on sat the bed ! my hubbys name is michael and he send you both love and prays also ! take care of yourself to Lana !oxoxo

  14. Ciao Lana,

    Checking in on you today and was happy to see you posted. I know things are difficult... but dont let difficult things run you over...
    "If God's before us... who can be against us, who can separate us from His mighty power? Let no doubt enter your mind... you can.. and you will be over-comers!! We are all winners through Jesus Christ... and there is nothing impossible for Him. He loves us no matter what we have done... and He will ALWAYS be there for us. I am praying that Mr. Indiana will be healed...
    God said...Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (Jhn. 14:27)

    Lana and Mr. Indiana .... be sure... you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sending you both some very big hugs and kisses.

  15. Dear Lana, I'm going to light a candle for you and DH everyday. One day, one step at a time, please know I'm keeping you both in my prayers. God Bless. ((HUGS)) klaire

  16. Lana ...When you write I can almost see you sitting there scared but wanting to be so brave ...I do believe with all my heart that God is walking every step of this Journey with you and when you don't feel you can walk ..he will carry you....And it is okay to feel all this . It doesn't mean you are a little girl or a woman that can't deal with things because you can ...When you wrote about the blonde stranger the first thought I had was that she was an Angel ..There are Angels all around us ...I am so glad that she was there and you could hug someone and cry without even saying a word ....I lit a Candle and I will continue to light a candle I am praying for a miracle family is praying for you and your husband...I love you dearly and I am here if you need anything ♥ Susie

  17. It's me again Lana Rosie. I am glued to your blog & wait for your latest news. Now don't think I am crazy, but, laughter is a healing tool. If your husband is up to it rent the some totally goofy movies and watch them together. The oldies are great...Abbott & Costello, The 3 Stooges, Dumb and Dumber what ever he enjoys in comedy. Laughter releases good energy into our bodies and minds and it's good medicine.
    Well I am going to light a candle for you both on line and in my church, as well.
    Love, hugs & kisses
    Rosie Bernstein
    anytime, anywhere, I am here for you.

  18. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and reminding us all to cherish the time we do have with our loved ones. Wishing you love, strength and peace. XOXO Jules

  19. I have to read your blogs at night because I start crying; during the day would just f*ck up muh makeup. It's amazing how beautiful people can be, such as that woman, a perfect stranger, who was suffering already but saw your pain and for a moment, shared it with you and let you just be in that moment, what you needed to be.
    I'm still praying for your husband & family, as is everyone else.
    If anyone out there can please tell me how to light a flipping candle, please explain! I click on the site Marnie posted but every link I click isn't the "light a candle" link.

  20. You need to eat so you can stay strong and be by your husband's side. Please don't believe that people are pre-destined/fated to get cancer, or that critical illness is handed out to people by a god. Put your trust in an awesome medical staff and try to keep as positive as possible. I hope you continue to blog, it's a healthy way to work through your feelings and allows us to support and encourage you on your tough journey! <3

  21. Sending love, light, and healing thoughts to you and your husband.

  22. More love and hugs. Rest, don't let your body become weak, he needs you to eat! Tell him we care, and we wish him peace during his treatments.
    Love to your family.

  23. Lana I hope they make lots of them big girl panties! I think we are all put'n them on with ya girl! My prayers go out to you and your husband. Stay strong & believe in yourself! You are pretty damn courageous if you ask me. Ya gotta be sitting in that waiting room thinking we are gonna kick this cancers ass! If YOU are going to make it though this YOU gotta be positive. Find whatever it is that is going to give you that feeling and do it. Your hubby needs it and YOU need it! Praying for sunshine in the rain. Love from Florida

  24. With God All Things Are Possible - I am believing in a MIRACLE with your name on it, Lana
    ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Love You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

  25. Hey Beautiful,

    Sending love, love and more love. Thinking of and praying for you and DH all the time. Take care of you. Candles are lit online and here. Hugs xxxxx Eva

  26. Lana,

    No matter what the doctors tell you, or your husband..don't you dare give up! Your husband needs you now more than ever, and I have faith that you can be strong enough for him. I once read "When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” Everyday YOU and your silliness helps someone get through their day. Today, WE are going to help you get through yours. I know a woman that had breast cancer, and two very small children. The doctors told her she would NEVER make it. Let me tell you something... she is alive, she is still with her family, and she is still fighting. Her breast cancer is gone. PRAISE GOD! She is now battling cancer in her shoulder, but she WILL NOT give up. She will beat this thing. HE WILL beat this! Life always throws us some stupid curve ball when we least expect it. Your husband happened to get hit by it. If he loves sports like you said he does, then he knows that he better GET UP, and not LOSE this game. He needs to fight back, and get to home base. Bring us home a victory! He can do it. We're all standing behind y'all cheerin' him on the whole way. Keep fighting.

    Love always,

  27. F cancer. Miracles happen.

  28. Lana, That woman coming to you and holding you shows what a truly remarkable woman you are. For someone to feel that connection with you when you never even met her. This is how we all feel about you. We wish we could be there to hug you and help you through. They say things happen for a reason and she came to you for us. That story made me feel happy that you had someone there for you. I look forward to tomorrows post with changes for the better! xoxo The candles are wonderful. Everyone is here for you and your husband. Stay strong!

  29. Thank you for writing everyday Lana, you are on my mind all day and I am praying for your husband. You are such a sweet sweet woman. Wish I could hug you hun, xo Tamara

  30. Still praying Lana, never giving up. Much love to you guys and big hugs too.

  31. The beautiful woman with the white hair was sent to you for a reason, and probably vice versa. Human connection is vital for you right now. We love you Lana! ~ Tammy

  32. Precious Lana

    As you and your husband walk thru this
    horrific will see many "God
    sighting"...look for them and dont miss them.

    This journey you are on is to deepen your
    relationship with learn more about
    Him and yourself. Thank you for your journal
    so we can know how to pray for you and watch
    you change before our eyes...let God have His
    way and never give up...where there is life
    there is hope.

    Love you, Sister

  33. Sweet, sweet, Lana. I check your blog every day to see how things are going. I am thinking about you and sending Aloha love your way from Hawaii. I hope a big wave of it washes over your wonderful husband. Love, Connie

  34. Sending love and positive energy from Wisconsin. Miracles happen every day, and you definitely deserve one!

  35. Lana, You are precious. My prayers go out for you, your husband and family. (((angel hugs)))

  36. A little over a year ago, my 6yr old son became very ill. I took him to the hospital & he was admitted. He had a fever of 104 but they took 2 days to find out what was making him so ill. He had an infection, that started in his sinuses & spread through his body. By the time they found the cause, the infection had spread to his heart & brain. The doctors looked at me, a single mom & told me to say good-bye & prepare myself. I couldn't believe it. A few hours later he went into a coma. I knelt by his bed, tears streaming down my face & prayed. U would think I should have been a bundle of nerves, anxious beyond belief. But at that moment a peace came over me & my words spoken only to God changed. My prayer went from "please spare my child...take me...heal his tiny body" to "Thy will be done. You know that my child means more to me than my own life. You know how much I love him & want him. I lay him at Your feet. All I ask is please don't let him suffer anymore than he has." I just continued repeating "Thy will be done". I sat there for 11 minutes, head bowed in prayer, when something told me to open my eyes. I looked up & my son was looking back at me & asked why I was crying. I leaned down over him. The fever that the docs couldn't budge for 3 days, was gone! He continued to get better & today is as healthy as can be. His doctor to this day, scratches his head over it.
    We are only human. We are weak when it comes to the ones we love. The fear & grief take over us. We get wrapped up in them. But, just for one moment, stop & remember this..."Be still and know that I am God". Miracles happen everyday. My miracle wasn't getting my son back, it was giving him to God & being rewarded for my faith.

  37. i wish i had something so pithy to say to you guys lana, i just know that in a little while you two will be having a beautiful dinner together again in the place you both love, i just know it, i know it. i know it for certain. God bless you and your man for all you are enduring.

  38. find someone that you can talk to,say anything to, even the stuff you think you shouldn't be thinking!!! You will need to purge those thoughts somewhere....

  39. lana, i am still praying and thinking of you everyday, but today id like to do something different for you.

    today i am putting on my big girl panties that i wore for a dance competition and we won (which is amazing coz i cant dance for shit) i am sending you all the luck they bring and hoping that you too can be brave and get through this and come out on top against the odds.

    jen xxx

  40. My dear Lana,

    We don't know eachother at all, but I am fellow YTuber and I have watched many of your videos and followed you on all sorts of shopping expeditions.

    I was saddened to see this post about the journey your husband and your family has to endure. I immediately thought to myself - how brilliant that YT has given you the opportunity to prepare for what's ahead by connecting you with such a big community. We will all be right here... anytime you need us.

    I think you will come out of this experience stronger, more focussed, and with such clarity about the rest of your life.

    I'm praying for you... while wearing my big girl panties. I'm knocking on my counter - "Can you hear me God? Are you listening? This one's for Lana & Co."

    Hugs from Australia.

    Karyn (MsSparkleArkle)

  41. I hope it cheers him to have his old friend with him. Something to take his mind away from the severity of what he is in the middle of. I was so touched to hear your story about the woman in the clinic. Its amazing to see the tenderness and kindness from a stranger who has been fighting her battle for so long. Myself and my son have lit a candle for you yesterday.. we will make sure once it goes out we light another for you and your husband.

  42. Good morning Beautiful! Okay, I know things are crazy, so I'm going to post this here, to make sure you see it, and if I don't ask about it, someone else can check with you. If your husband isn't on Zofran (ondansetron), please get the doctor to order it. It can be administered by several different methods, so that won't be a problem. It was designed for nausea and vomiting specifically for cancer patients. I have to take it for surgery.
    Also, a prescription for marinol might not hurt.
    It's basically a "join" :) in capsule form. Great again for nausea and appetite stimulant. And let me know how the pain meds are doing. You know I'll but you :) please if you need any info, e-mail me at and I will give you every way in the world to contact me. Still praying, still here, still reading y'all's candle wall.

    Love ya,
    Pam (the Florida possum stranded in Canada)

  43. Oh geesh, looks like I've been hitting the "Marinol", that should have been "joint" not "join".

  44. Oh Lana, I wish there was something I could do for you both. I say a prayer every night for you. I've even told my cats to say "kitty prayers" for you. :-) The feeding tube will help so much. Mom had one and it kept her going until she got her strength back and when they took it out, her appetite came back and she was able to eat. One note: please, Lana, take care of yourself. You have to eat. Even if you have to gag something down. I didn't feel like eating when my parents were sick and I could tell I was getting weaker and weaker. My cousin said I had to force myself to eat as I could not take care of them if I couldn't take care of myself. It amazes me when perfect strangers treat us better than so called professionals. I sincerely hope "Mr. Indiana's" doctor treats you both with dignity and respect. Don't let them talk down to you, Lana. Stand up for your husband. I wish now I had stood up to Dad's doctor and demanded better care. I wish I had taken Dad somewhere else. Please don't let your husband give up. Please know that we're all out here, praying for you. Think of our hugs as a big snuggie and wrap it around the both of you when you need a hug. I used to write to a friend of mine and when either one of us was feeling low, the other one would send "sparkles, twinkles, pixie dust and confetti." I send that to you both Lana. I send you my prayers. And I send you both my love. Take care.

  45. Dearest Lana,

    My heart aches for you, both of you. From experience as an oncological clinician Lana, believe it or not sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.........hang on in there. This young woman was sent there, her appointment scheduled when you would be there so that she could be there for you, to give you comfort. Adversity often brings complete strangers close to us and help us. A hug, a simple hug along with a shoulder to cry out the many tears from a patient who knows what you and your husband are going through. Our prayers and love are infinite Lana, it's a battleground you are in now and you're both in it to win it and we are all here cheering you on. Lots of love and hugs sweetheart, Leyla xxxx

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  47. Your a beautiful soul for sharing with us this journey you are both on I pray for strength for you both <3 God listens keep the faith! Were all here for you! Much love

  48. a candle of hope and love for you and your husband. Stay strong, never forget God loves you...and so do we! God bless you both.xoxo

  49. Thinking of you and your husband....sends tons and tons and tons and tons of prayers your way and wishing postive thoughts your way...

    Although it may be difficult...try to be postive doll and try to think "each day that goes by, no matter how rough it both are one day closer to be healthy and happy together"....keep thinking like that.....i wish you both the strength to get through this difficult time....stay strong...

  50. Dearest Lana, I believe that the beautiful woman that came into the oncology center was an angel, sent by the Lord God, to bring you comfort. Sometimes we long to be held in our mother's arms, when we are hurting, and don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm praying that God will bring healing to your wonderful husband. Along the way, may He also continue to pepper the days and nights with His tender Mercies. I love you, Lana! With love, hugs, and prayers,~Marilyn Hope

  51. Sweet Lana. You and your Lovely Husband are strong and Wonderful People!!
    You Both will Be in My on going prayers!
    Keep those `Big Girl Panties on!!
    You ARE a Strong Woman my Sweet friend!! God knows your Heart!!
    As always with kindness.. Your Viva Las Vegas Friend on your YT Channel..((HUGS))xx Lorrie

  52. Hello Sweet Lana

    Im also lighting a candle for many Blessings coming your way! xx
    Its inital..VLVL with a prayer.
    ((hugs))xxx Lorrie..

  53. Lana & Hubby
    Love & Prayers, I posted once this morning and completely forgot to send you the link for your song of the day, so I deleted that post and here's your song.

  54. Ohh Lana, you live your life with such grace, style and beauty, even in the depths of sorrow.. even when you least expect to *be* beautiful. I pictured you being held by the lovely woman you met in the waiting area and it made the hairs on my arm stand up. This battle is teaching you and your darling husband so many things.. things you probably don't want to learn, yes, I understand.. thank you for sharing your feelings and his as well. All my prayers are going to him, you know, and plenty of love on top to you both. xoxo Julie.

  55. We will all be here as long as you need us xxxJoolsxxx

  56. I know you don't realize it, but that beautiful woman needed you to be there today. She needed to GIVE, she had something to give. You allowed her to use one of the few things she had power over today. Compassion and knowledge.

    Ive been blogging awhile and have read quite a few but yours have always struck some chord in me. Today's is none different. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I am overwhelmed. I have taken care of a friends cousin who had kidney failure a year ago and finally allowed me to put him back in the hospital two weeks ago. He was given the news he has cancer. He is not my cousin and I certainly didn't start out doing this altruistically, but like all the others I have helped walk out of this world, he matters to me. His comfort matters to me.His life has been hard and often lonely. I wish there was someone who loved him as much as you love your husband.

    This is little consolation, I know, but it gives me hope to see two people so in love day in and day out caring FOR each other. I am praying for comfort, Gods intervention or will and a sense of serenity or peace for all.

  57. I am crying my eyes out and my husband is looking at me as if I've lost my mind. You are living my worst fear. I want to dive into this blog and just hug you and let you sob to your heart's content. I think of you and your husband just about every day and hold you two in my heart. All my love to you and hubby.



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