The Power of Love Part 1

The Power of Love

I'm sorry I haven't made a YouTube video in such a long time. My heart hasn't been in it lately but I will return.
That's not why I'm writing today. I want to tell of you of the sweetest love story I know. One that makes me cry while typing this out.

In October a few years back I wrote about my beautiful friend Candy and her survival story of Breast Cancer. 
Sadly she passed away last week. 
She won and fought for so long. Her breast cancer showed it's ugly face when she was in her 30's. After her mastectomy, she had breast reconstruction surgery. The plastic surgeon tunneled fat from her tummy and formed a new breast from that fat. 
All was wonderful.
She was alive and felt whole again after the dreadful loss of a breast. (All of us as women know how painful a loss  that would be)
28 years later, about a year ago,  Candy began experiencing horrible pain in her stomach. The cancer had a trail to go to and it was now in her stomach lining. She was in for the fight of her life. She went thru chemo and more chemo. So much chemo that her fingertips turned black and were numb. She lost her hair and it grew back, more chemo and gone again.
Finally, her doctors told her there was nothing more they could do. They sent her home with a morphine pump and a bag to go to the bathroom in....

Candy had been married for years to the man of her heart. Her soulmate Dan. She loved him with all of her being. He loved his booze and other illegal things.  They divorced but Candy never stopped  her love and affection for Dan. She did everything to mend the relationship but it was not to be. Dan loved her too but had other loves.

The doctors told hospice no more food or water for Candy. She would lie in bed wracked in pain and ask about her one love, Dan.
For 5 weeks Candy hung on. There was no medical reason for her to still be here. Still be on Earth, still alive, still loving Dan.
Every day she asked for him. 

The doctors and nurses were amazed she was still clinging to life.

Everyone would say, "What is she waiting for?"

She was waiting for Dan!

Last week Candy took her last breath. Her beautiful heart stopped beating. 
When we knew she was gone, we were all so sad but so relieved she was no longer suffering. No longer in pain....
She was gone.
We got the call later that night that Dan had died. 
6 hours after Candy took her last breath at home. Dan died in a hospital emergency room 2 miles away from liver failure. 
Candy was waiting on Dan.
The most ironic part of all.....
They both died on their wedding anniversary!
Their daughter Dani lost her mother and her father all in one night.
6 hours apart.

I truly believe in my heart that Candy waited on Dan. Her heart knew he would need her where they were going. I believe and all of her family and friends believe that her love for him waited to hold his hand and take him to eternity together.
I write this sobbing. 
A more pure love story could not be made up like this. I think love can be as strong as the Heaven's.

Next time I write I want to tell you how my darling husband helped me from his grave. It was like he was guiding me. Helping me. I'm too emotional right now to tell it all but it's a powerful love story too.
Until next time... 
Cherish those you love like there's no tomorrow. 

I love you all. 

Vampire Face Lift

Vampire Face Lift

So, I did a video a week or so ago after being away from YouTube for well over a year.
It was very liberating and fun! 
I was back.
I missed all of you so much and especially missed the "friendships" that I have developed thru the years on the web with all of you.
I truly did miss you and thought of you many times. But... I digress.

The first video back, I was a nervous wreck. 
Would I still be able to sit in my bathroom in front of my little "Flip-Cam" and talk to you in coherent sentences? 

I did it!
I was back.
I can do it and loved doing it. The interactions from you are what I missed most. Sweet, beautiful comments and so much love! 
I was back.

Being caretaker to a dying loved one can and will take it's toll. You hair goes dull, your mind loses it's sharpness.  Your looks go hollow.
You can either gain or lose weight.
I gained! Boy did I gain!

Then... he died.
I lost.
I lost so much including weight.

My features seemed to crumble and when I looked in the mirror 6 months later, I didn't even recognize myself. 
After my husband's death, I was convinced I had less than 6 months to live. 
I planned my funeral down to the last detail. Gave  my boys explicit instructions on what to do with my estate and all of my worldly possessions.
I was going to be gone anyway, why bother with living? Why buy anything or worry about how I looked. 
My clothes hung off me by now. 
I had lost 35 pounds by the time I finally woke up!
Who was I anymore?

I decided I needed outside help STAT!
After being in Florida, I went to see a wonderful doctor and his work seemed to be a miracle in my life. 
I am not going to die!
I am 57 years old. I have a lot of living to do. 
I joined a gym. 
I made an appointment at a Rejuva spa and my entire outlook changed that day. 
I was back!!

The doctor told me of a procedure that uses your own blood and spins it down to a serum of platelet rich plasma that he injects into your face to fill in hollows and form an under the skin roadmap to rebuild valuable collagen and a network of Fibrin Matrix under the skin. 

In one simple sentence....
Within one to three months of treatment, Selphyl reverses the ravages of time. Damage from age and weather begin to disappear.
They call this the Vampire Face Lift because it uses your own blood to give you a non-surgical facelift!

Here's how it went for me:
I agreed to to have my doctor perform the procedure. He asked me if I wanted a Dental Block for the pain? 
Uhmmm. Yes!
He injected a numbing agent into the gum line on top and bottom. 3 shots to the gums upper and 3 shots to the lower and my entire mouth was numb. I felt as if I had eaten a case of frozen Popscicles. 
While that was taking effect he took 3 vials of blood from my arm. No pain no gain, right?

The blood vials he puts into a centrifuge (looks like a toaster oven) to spin the blood to a clear serum. The precious vials of clear liquid he sets on a sterile tray.
By now, my mouth has no feeling. 
My tongue. 
Is it dangling out of the corner of my face? 
I haven't got a clue. I can't feel a thing.
In a series of quick shots with many needles (probably 50) he injects my own cells back into me only now into my haggard face. 
Nothing foreign. It's all mine!
He explains that it will be days or even weeks before I see results. The network of stem cells are in place and can begin doing their job. 
My mouth and face are numb. I look like I stuck my face into a very large bee hive on a sunny day and got the crap stung out of me. 

I get no real instructions except not to use my Clairsonic for 24 hours. 

Total cost?
$1200.00
One more dose in two months at half that price.
$600.00
________ 
$1,800.00 to rewind your face 10- 15 years?
Some bruising that fades each day but is easily covered with a good concealer.
I go back to work the next day.

2 Weeks Later:
Every day I wake up and see a subtle difference. It's not really like a filler but it's more a softening of your face. 
This morning I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection there,
"Well, Hello! Who are you?
Where did you come from? 
I don't know but I like you!"
I am back!

I am very pleased with the results and will go back in 4 weeks for the 2nd round. Results generally last 3 years. 
That's a long time. 3 years.
I hope this answers any questions you may have. I will drag my camera along on my next visit and film it. 
I love you all. xo

Working Girl

Hello Again My Lovely and Beautiful Friends.

Not because I am broke or in debt, I am going back to work. 

My husband insured I would be taken care of long into my 90's and beyond. 
He simply didn't want me to have to depend on a man for support in any way. I'm happy he did that for me not because of the money but because of the independence and freedom to go and do what I want and need to do. I have several girlfriends that lost their beloved husbands only to lose their homes and lifestyles as well. 

The house in Key Largo sold. It was to be mine for a year. I gave it up as soon as I was able to physically get on a plane and manage the move. 
It was hard. So many memories there. Beautiful memories of a time when we were happy and healthy.
It's hard to go from being happily married to suddenly single.
Had my husband left me for another woman I could have tried to get him back. Fought for him. Begged, pleaded and worked to keep him close and mine. 
He didn't leave me for another woman. 
He died. 
He left me to save a spot for me at his side in Heaven. 

I know he's near me daily. I see him every time the sun rises in the morning. When the Florida wind kicks up and I feel the soft breeze on my face... I know he's there. Beside me. 
I fought. I fought hard for him to stay here but God wanted him there. 
I begged and pleaded and worked so hard to keep him with me.
I made deals with God. God had other plans for a great man.
Who am I to argue with God?

I bought a new house closer to my son here in Florida. I am keeping my Indiana home and will fly back and forth.  Being here has been healing for me. 
Anyway, I am doing well. 
Not 100% yet but it will come. 
I applied to three airlines and am going back to flying. It's my passion. One doesn't work simply because they are broke. 
I love to work. Sitting and staring at walls all day gets very old and extremely exhausting. I may be 57 years old but I am far from dead! 
I love people and feel I still have plenty to offer this planet so off to work I go.

Getting up in the morning and having a plan is very liberating. 
Sure, with all of the money my husband left me, I could shop and lunch with friends all day. Buy exotic cars, travel the world, drip myself in diamonds but that is simply not me. 

I love you all and will do videos soon. I miss my YouTube channel but the time just hasn't felt right. It will. 

I have found that all things good come in due time when the timing is right.
Love and Peace,
Lana

I have SHOES Older Than YOU!

Sun and Sand.
Tropical breezes and hope in the air.
Life is changing. There are days I don't want it to change and others I crave the changes.
Since my husband passed away, I feel like I am 16 years old released into the wild streets with no direction.
I warned close family and friends that I WILL make mistakes. Not to watch me too closely and please, most of all, not to judge.
DO NOT JUDGE ME

I was driving down the road on a sunny Florida day and this odd feeling rushed toward me and hit me up side my head like a MAC truck. 
What was it?
It felt oddly great.
It then occurred to me that this odd feeling was "happy"
Just a flash in a nano-second but there it was!
I felt it so few times after my husbands diagnosis.
Thought that word was erased from my vocabulary for eternity after his death but it's not. Happiness is still there. It's how you allow it to come visit you.  I want it to come live with me. It's a much better houseguest than sad and pathetic.

I feel those feeling rush up to greet my face more and more as days slip by. I like it. I'm not going to push it away! 
Come back Ms. Happy, You're always welcome here.

It truly must be beginning to show on me as well as in me.

I was asked out  3 times this week!

I was in the grocery store. (The grocery stores down here are much prettier happier places than in Indiana)
An attractive gentleman in Dr. scrubs came up next to me as I stood pondering to my self what the difference was between a Burrito Kit and a Taco Kit  in the salsa aisle. 
He said, "If you don't feel like cooking it, there is a fun Mexican restaurant down the street if you'd like to go. We can leave our carts here and escape to Mexico for an hour or perhaps you prefer the real thing?"
What?
Are you talking to me? 
I just avoided his eyes and mumbled some dumb thing. Muttering as I pushed my cart away scrambling to move away, hoping I wouldn't blurt out some idiotic sentence to embarrass myself.
On to frozen foods....
As I reached in to grab a bag of frozen peas, 
Same Dr. Same blue eyes asked if I was following him. 
Was he flirting with me?

Ha.
Me? Me, I asked? Surely not.
I am dead inside. I have no more to give or get.
Or do I?
It's far too soon and I will investigate this phenomena further but now is not the time.

The 2nd time I was a bit more prepared but just as shocked. 
To date again?
Go over all of life's history with a stranger? What's your sign? What do you do? Favorite movies? Ugh
All of that malarkey. Sounds exhausting.

The 3rd time I had to laugh to my self for hours after. He was 25 years old, cute as a button but as I told him.... 
I have SHOES older than he is!

My husband would hate all of this. He insured I would never have to depend on a man to care for me.  
My place is by his side for all eternity. I can and will grasp for that elusive happy where and when I can get it but for now not in the form of a "Date"
Maybe Later. 
I'm still finding myself.

"No Cry" Days

The old saying is that a widow should not buy anything or sell anything for a year after her husbands death. No major decisions to made within that 365 day exile. 
Blah.
So... I tried that for 3 months. It blows!
What? Sit and look at walls? Wear black for months and go to the cemetery? Not smile or chat or laugh?
I did all that too.
It's exhausting and it does nothing more than cement into your skull that your man is gone. It is all a constant reminder of sadness. Don't get me wrong. I am sad. I cry on people.
Oh Lord do I cry on poor unsuspecting people!

I went to see my dentist. I had neglected most everything about myself so it was time. My dentist is also a friend. He entered the exam room with my x-rays in hand, said hello, touched my arm and in 1.3 seconds, I was blubbering all over his scrub-shirt. Not just the pretty tears that fall from your eyes like in movies but the full-on sobbing UGLY cry. 
(I may have to switch dentists now I am so embarrassed)
Same with my Priest. My postman. My Veterinarian.  The cashier at the grocery...
The list goes on, I am sorry to say.
Hey.. I think I we get a pass when we lose a loved one. 
So, back to better news...
I decided to break all of the rules of being a widow.
I always claimed to be a "rule-breaker" so why stop now?
I'm done caring if people in my community judge me for crying too much. 
I hear them whispering... 
"Oh look, she cries too much. Her black dress is so big on her. She looks awful. Her eyes are red.
She's lost weight. She's aged 10 years."

Oh, Bite Me!

If people have so much to say about YOUR life... That says very little about their own, right?

Words to live by.
I haven't got all the answers on how to act or what to do. I never have! We just do what we can. Life is short. I plan on living each and every day in honor of my husband but to the fullest.
So... 
I ran away from home!
It's so liberating. I am going back in a week.
Don't want to but have to...
Some of Henry's old football players from the Denver Broncos and basketball buddies from Purdue are honoring him with a benefit memorial. All proceeds will go to the Purdue Athletic Department in his name. It will be a sad and emotional day but I have my Big Girl Panties all picked out and laid out for that day. 
I can DO this and I will. 
Oh and I bought a new car. My dream car. 
I thought it would make me happy. Things don't make you happy. People do. 
I have amazing people in my life.
I am so blessed.
More later.

I Love You.

Is it Ever Okay to Lie?

Every morning, no matter how ill or how much pain, Henry would get up and go to the office. It was his focus. Good for him to keep his mind off what was going on inside his wracked body. Neither of us knew.

He had refused to go to a doctor for a scope or scan or test. He had had it and I don't blame him. Surgery to deform him with no guarantee? No thanks. Maybe buy him 3 more months but no tongue, no voice, no face?

Our friends would ask me daily "How is he? What's going on? Is he ok? Is the cancer gone?"

My classic answer.... "I don't know. I am his nurse and the internet is our doctor."

The internet is a handy tool for quick solutions to simple problems but try diving into it deeply for REAL answers to real health issues. You can be lost in all of it and come away more confused than ever.

Nothing I could say or do would change his mind to see a medical professional. I ranted, raged, pleaded, begged, bargained.

Please?

No.

So on we went. Marching forward thru each day. Trudging along. Blissfully ignorant.

I have decided I am over all of the gloom and sadness and putting it out there. That is not who Henry was nor am I. He loved my blogs but I think even he would say to stop being so sad. One thing my husband was... He was FUN and funny. Four days before he died he said something so freaking funny it had me bent over laughing and crying.

God I miss him so.

But... This one thing keeps me awake for hours in the dark of night. It haunts me.

Actually, grieving these days is not at all about me, it's about what Henry went thru at the end. That is what sends me to bed for days to cry and cry. I can't get past what he went thru. The pain, the chemo, the radiation, the feeding tubes and not eating a BITE of food for over a year... Barely able to sip a drop of water. The swelling, the pain... ALL of it.

Those are the things I hurt about. Not about ME but about HIM.

His left arm swelled up to five times the size it normally was. Both legs swelled so huge that I would describe his feet as giant hams stuck to the ends of his legs with little toes stuck on.

Still he refused medical treatment. He wanted this done HIS way.

Everywhere in the house that he went there was this sticky stuff on the floor. Did one of the kids spill Kool-Aid? I would mop and scrub but at the end of the day it was sticky again. I found out later that it was protein leaking from his pores as he walked, he was so swollen. It had no where else to go so it seeped from him as he took each step.

Still he went to work.

I knew things were changing. He seemed to be dizzy and disoriented at times. I worried about him driving the 1.2 miles from our home to the office. I would walk with him to the car in my pajamas and coffee in hand, as the car would reach the end of the drive, I would follow it down the street. "Please God let him get there safely."

I would whisper silently as the car turned the corner out of sight.

About a week later, he came home and each day, each hour and each minute, things grew progressively worse.

He didn't go back to work. I knew things were bad. Henry not going to the office? It was really bad but he never complained or said a word about how he was feeling.

Each hour he was worse by now...

He asked me for paper and pen. He wanted to write. I gave him a stark white pad of paper and a pen with the company logo on it. He was adamant about writing something... What?

"I need to write this but write how do I write it?" he said.

"I'm not sure, write what you know." I told him, totally confused by what he wanted to say.

He began to write....

He wrote the date, his name and my name and wrote that I was amazing.

Oh God, I can't stop crying about this.

"Why am I amazing, darling? What do you mean "amazing?" I asked when I read what he had written.

He looked up at me and with that sweet smile of his, he told me he would save that and tell me someday and then I would know.

His next question...."Am I dying?"

What?

No!!!!

No, no,no, no.

No!

My heart fell clear to the floor and stopped.

Why did he ask me that?

" Why? Why do you ask me that?"

In the quietest voice I had ever heard, he said.."Because I feel like I'm dying."

Oh God! No.

At that exact moment, I think I knew. Tell him yes? Lie?

"Of course you're not dying, silly. You're going to be fine. Everything is fine." I lied.

Was I lying to him and to myself? Should I have told him yes? Should I have lied?

The answer to this question haunts me. Wakes me up at 2:00 a.m. every morning and sticks in head all thru the day. Should I have told him????

If/when my time comes, someone had better damn well be telling me about it!

I want to know.

To this day, I don't know if my lie was the right thing to do or not.

In my defense... I didn't know. Only God did.

Two days later he was gone. I had called the priest that married us to come to our home to give him his "Last Rites"

As the priest blessed him and prayed over him, I crawled into the bed. I held him in my arms. He took three last breaths and gently died in my arms. My heart died that day too.

Will the tears ever stop? I doubt it.

I can't wait to see my husband again. I need to tell him so much.

I want to tell him how proud I was to be his wife. How happy he made me. How very much I love him. I want to tell him that I am sorry I lied to the most important question he has ever asked of me.

And... I want to ask him about that one question he said he'd tell me about later....

Why did you write that I am so amazing?

I look forward to that day.

PS. To the miserable person that wrote the cowardly letter...

I know who you are.

I want to Thank You.

You see, your intention was to hurt but I have had all the hurt I can. Your words didn't hurt me. In fact they helped me and for that I thank you.

You lit a fire under me.

No more sitting looking at the walls. I am going back to work. I am going back to blogging and making videos soon. I learned one very valuable lesson in losing my darling husband and that is this:

Life is VERY short. Enjoy it.

And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Your cruel words mailed to me were intended to crush me. You can not. I am strong.

After all.... My husband thinks I am amazing!

I love you all. Thank you for being here. You, all of you, truly are amazing.

One Last Kiss

The day of the funeral...

To feel so numb but to have so much to do is such a contradiction in terms. All I want to do is go to bed and stay there with the blankets pulled over my head.

Let someone else do this. I can't.

Phone calls from people, food and flowers arriving at the door. God, I hate the smell of roses now. So cloyingly sweet. The smell seems to penetrate the house but mostly my brain.

A friend of mine that I had met at the Radiation clinic... (That seems like it was a 100 years ago)

Her husband had died of the same horrible cancer my husband had, told me that she had put her dog up in the bed with her husband to let him know that he was gone.

Ewwww, so morbid!

After my husband had gone, I did just that.

Both dogs were thrilled to be up on the bed I had denied them access to these last weeks. The little Chihuahua, much older and wiser, sniffed him all over. Looked up at me with such sadness in her soft brown eyes then laid her little apple head on his arm with a small sigh. She bared her teeth at anyone that tried to move her from his side.

Izzy, usually so rambunctious and out of control, sniffed his face once, jumped off the bed like she had been shot from a cannon and hid under the bed in the next room.

They both knew.

I'm glad now I did this. They are both grieving but seem to know why their beloved master is not here. He's not coming home....

Shower, makeup, hair. Like an auto-mon get ready for this day.

Meet the rest of the family, cousins, relatives, life-long friends at the funeral home.

Pall Bearers

Saying good-bye. More tears. More sorrow. More prayers. More sadness.

One last goodbye. More tears fall onto his face. "My Darling, please know that I will always love you. Forever. Unending."

I see the six best friends of my husband, the pall bearers, bring the casket and loads of flowers out to the waiting hearse. Such a sunny pretty day but a black hole in all of our hearts. I feel as if my knees will buckle and I will become one with the parking lot.

I am just led around like a four year old. Totally clueless. I have never done this before.

Not this.

Our limo follows the long black hearse. Others follows us. A long steady stream of cars

winding thru the streets to the church Henry and I attended every Sunday that we could while we were home and together. I see people and recognize their faces but my heart can't acknowledge their presence or why they are there to tell this wonderful man good-bye.

So many people crying.

So much sadness.

People speak at the podium and the priest says the Mass. My husband is lying there beside me in a white draped coffin with a cross of gold embroidered on the delicate cloth.

The priest begins The Lord's Prayer.

Every Sunday, all of our married life and before, as "The Lord's Prayer" was being said, we would recite those familiar words, my husband would reach out and grab my hand as we spoke the words....Hands locked in a grasp, all of the week's issues and problems would seem to melt away....

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy will be Done

No one to hold my hand now as that beautiful prayer was said, I reached out and laid my hand on the coffin. Never to hold his hand again, sobbing, as the prayer and the people prayed.

I could hear people crying behind me. He was so loved.

Back to the limo again.

Winding thru the streets. We don't go straight to the cemetery. Police escorts leading us past his business. All of his workers out lining the street in a silent salute and good-bye to this amazing man. Gone too Soon. Too Young... Too Good.

Following the hearse to the cemetery. A tent has been set up with chairs under the old oak trees in the spot we had chosen over a year before.

The sun dapples through the trees and glistens on the mirror covered casket. His name and birthdate and the date he left us engraved so beautifully on the top of the glass.

The priest ends the prayers and before they lower my beautiful husband into the ground, I bend to kiss the top. I leave an eternal lipstick print on the glass as I tell him one last good-bye...