Saturday, February 22, 2014

My Dating Horror Stories

Dating after a loved ones death…. Sigh.

My darling husband passed away 18 months ago. 

My closest friends and family recommended I start dating again. 
I was back working again. I slowly found that laughing was not going to make the world end.  But dating?

Oh my. 

How does one do that after the love of their life has died and taken all of those feelings with them? Deep loving feelings buried away in a dark and silent tomb under ground for ever more.
Impossible.

Loneliness.
I never knew lonely until he left me.
I didn't even recognize the feeling of lonely. One of my best friends pointed out to me what was so wrong in my life.

"You're lonely!" She exclaimed to me one day after I had finished crying on her shoulder. 
Lonely? Me? I have never been lonely a day in my life! 
I am a people person. I am always surrounded by those that love and care for me. 
Wait… Could that be what this horrible feeling inside of me is? 
Loneliness?

She was right. I always had my kids and friends and lovely people with me. Surrounding me. But now?

 Now at night, alone in the dark at 2:00 a.m. the long sleepless nights dragging on. One minute seems like an hour. 
Tick tock. The clock seeming to echo my thoughts. 
Tick~ Alone.
                      Tock~Alone.
Tick ~Alone.

Finally, at 4 a.m. I usually give up and brew coffee. Check in online to not feel so interminably alone.

My sweet friends tried what they could to help.

Oh? An invite to dinner at your house Friday night, Lisa?

I'd love to! What can I bring?

I show up on time and hungry….

Lisa, her sweet husband, another couple that I know are there and I am told where to sit. One empty chair to my right. 
Doorbell rings.
A distinguished gentleman comes thru the door. Introductions are made. We all gather back at the table and sit down. 
Two bites into my salad and I finally have a "light-bulb" moment and realize…. This is a Blind-date and I have been set up!
Ugh.
Not ready. 
As sweet and handsome as he is… I can't.
I drive home in tears and shaken.

"Please Lisa, don't do that again. I almost peed myself in shame when I realized your little plan.

 I'm just not ready."

Will I ever be ready?

Will any man ever be able to take Henry's place in my heart?
Will I ever be able to love and laugh again?

Two months pass.

I am in Florida.
I meet a very good looking man and we chat. He seems lovely. Kind and thoughtful. Fun and attentive.
He casually asks me to dinner for the following Saturday night at a popular restaurant in Tampa.

I have a split second to respond.
"Ok, that sounds nice. I will meet you there. 7:00?"

"Well, I will have to book a room in Tampa since I am from St. Petersburg and have had a DUI. I don't want to drink and drive so I will spend the night in Tampa."


Since this is his issue, I casually agree. 

"Ok, sounds great!" I say with a slight lift in my voice. 
Give the guy a chance… Make it fun. He's CUTE!
What do I have to lose?

Saturday night.

I dress carefully in a cute ruffled skirt and blouse. 
Not too over-done. Just keeping it light and fun.

Just as I arrive in the parking lot of the restaurant, I get a text that he is there. 

I see him approach my car. He hugs me as I exit my car and grabs my hand as we walk in the door. It's dim and romantic.  Soft music is playing.
It's been so long since I have dated that I don't really know what to expect.
He seems to know exactly what to do. 
He orders wine and appetizers. Our food and drinks arrive and between laughing and talking, we seem to be enjoying the evening. 


The server brings the bill to the table. It lays there in front of him. 


My date grabs my hand and looks into my eyes.
"Lana, I want to take you out on the town dancing. We will cut this town up tonight."
I stare back at him. That sounds fun.

I slowly nod my head yes. Dancing. 
How long had it been since I went dancing. Swaying to the beat of the music. Having a mans arm around me in the darkened room even on a crowded dance floor. 
It sounded nice.

"Ok." He says, "We will go dancing but first I want to take you back to my hotel room."

Wait. What?
Back to his hotel room?
Hell No!

I shake my head no. I see the anger rise up from his throat to his eyes.  A tiny vein has popped up on his forehead and seems to be growing. He is angry!

"Hey, I told you I had to get a room here because I don't want to drive back to St. Pete after I have been drinking. 
I told you!
I paid for a room and we are going back there and I am taking you to my bed. I paid for a room!" His voice seems to rise loudly in the crowded room.

I reply in a soft voice.
"I am not going to go to your room. I met you here to have dinner with you. Nothing more. This is a first date."
One of my favorite quotes enters my foggy brain.
(If you don't stand up for something… You'll lay down for anything.) I am standing firm on this one.

Am I so out of touch that the rules have all changed? I didn't even kiss on a first date. Sleep with him after one date? No way!

"You're going to sit there and not  change your mind and come back to the hotel with me? After I PAID for a room?"

"No."

He stands up abruptly. His chair slides loudly across the floor as he pushes away from the table.
 He puts one finger on the bill and slowly slides it over to me
"Then YOU get to pay for THIS!" He says with an ugly sneer as he walks away from the table and out the door of the restaurant.

I sit there alone at the table with my mouth wide open. Shocked. 
I paid that bill. Gladly.
It was the best $100.00 I ever spent!
I never saw this creep again but hopefully learned something from this date.
Not sure yet what but each day is a learning experience.
sigh.
More later….








Monday, September 2, 2013

Some Help From Heaven

Ok, let's see if I can write this without breaking down completely....

After my husband died, each of his three sons  came to me to ask if they could have his Rolex watch. 

The fact that there are 3 boys and only one watch and I had bought it for him as a Christmas gift, I told each of them that I would rather keep it myself. 
It broke my heart to turn them down. They were hurting just as bad as I was. They lost their dad/best friend/boss after all. 

It was a decision I would later regret....

After my husband died, I had moved, re-arranged my life, made adjustments. Learned to cope.

I paid off my house, moved, bought two cars, made decisions I hadn't had to make in many years. My husband did it all.
He was gone.

I had to have some small construction done in my Florida home. I hired a crew to do the work. All was going ok.

The house seemed alive with people.
The men were in and out of my house every day beginning at 7:00 a.m. to end of day.
One of the men from the construction crew saw and remarked on my husbands beautiful watch. 
"Wow, that's one pretty watch."  He declared when he saw it as he passed through the Master Suite where I had placed it the night before.

I made a quick mental note to hide it in the house or to take it to my safe deposit box.... The landline phone rang...  the conversation forgotten  as I ran to answer it in the bustle of the buzzing saws and hammering noises of the construction going on in the next room.


That night,  as I lay in bed reflecting on the happenings of the day, I remembered and as I raced to check on it,  the watch was gone! Gone!

Disappeared from the place it was just that morning. 
My heart sank.

I immediately called the police. 

A flood of regret washed over me. My beautiful husband's watch on another man's arm? Lost? Missing. 
I felt so broken. 
Why hadn't I given it to one of the boys? At least then it would be safe. Treasured. Still in the hands of those that love my husband not some stranger.

Sadly, the police took my information, filed a report and told me they would do what they could to trace it if it showed up in a pawn shop but warned me that the chances were slim of ever getting it back. 

The owner of the construction company had nothing to offer in the way of help either. I had no proof. There was only my suspicion that the young man that had asked about it had actually taken it.  
My chances of ever seeing that watch again were slim to none.
I felt so hopeless.

I can't do anything right!

Who allows their deceased husband's watch to be stolen from their own home????

I had many things of my husband's that evoked so many sweet memories of him but I could squeeze my eyes shut real tight and SEE that watch on his big strong arm when he was alive and healthy. 

The bright shiny gold would glitter in the sun as we would walk hand in hand into church on a beautiful Sunday morning. Out to dinner and I would see it on his wrist in the dim light of a candlelit restaurant as he reached across the table to grasp my hand. Every night I would see it on his side of the bed carefully placed on the night stand ready to be worn to the office as he rushed out the door.

Weeks passed then months. No word from the Florida State Police Department. Nothing. 

Not a day passed by that I would not think of my husband and his missing watch. It was eating my soul to know I had let it slip away.
Gone.

My husband's birthday was approaching.  May 6.

His first birthday away from me. All I could do was cry. 
I miss him so much. Every day.

 May 6, 2013

I went to the cemetery in the morning. As I stood there in the early light of the beautiful spring day, I told my husband what had happened. Explained my stupidity. Not just about the watch but many other stupid things I have done in the months since he passed.

I slowly drove home. Going to the cemetery was my way of going to "visit" my husband and it always made me feel sad but slightly better to know he was lying there waiting for me... someday. 

We share a headstone.  


When I arrived home, my phone rang. 

Pinellas County Police Department. 
They found the watch!!!

What? Really? How?


The person that stole it had posted it for sale on Craigslist. 

It was posted at 11:30 p.m. and it was recovered by midnight and on it's way back to me via USPS overnight. 

I got my husband's precious watch back and will watch over it like it's Fort Knox from now on. 

I don't believe that the deceased can see ALL we do but I believe they do know what is bothering us.  
To get that watch returned at all was a miracle. To get it back on my husband's birthday confirms that to me. I was beating my self up every single day for letting it slip away from me. 

Rest in Peace Sweet Henry. Every second that ticks by on your precious watch reminds me of you.

 I love and miss you so much.

Here is the Craigslist posting that the police were able to trace to the stolen watch:











Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Power of Love Part 1

The Power of Love

I'm sorry I haven't made a YouTube video in such a long time. My heart hasn't been in it lately but I will return.
That's not why I'm writing today. I want to tell of you of the sweetest love story I know. One that makes me cry while typing this out.

In October a few years back I wrote about my beautiful friend Candy and her survival story of Breast Cancer. 
Sadly she passed away last week. 
She won and fought for so long. Her breast cancer showed it's ugly face when she was in her 30's. After her mastectomy, she had breast reconstruction surgery. The plastic surgeon tunneled fat from her tummy and formed a new breast from that fat. 
All was wonderful.
She was alive and felt whole again after the dreadful loss of a breast. (All of us as women know how painful a loss  that would be)
28 years later, about a year ago,  Candy began experiencing horrible pain in her stomach. The cancer had a trail to go to and it was now in her stomach lining. She was in for the fight of her life. She went thru chemo and more chemo. So much chemo that her fingertips turned black and were numb. She lost her hair and it grew back, more chemo and gone again.
Finally, her doctors told her there was nothing more they could do. They sent her home with a morphine pump and a bag to go to the bathroom in....

Candy had been married for years to the man of her heart. Her soulmate Dan. She loved him with all of her being. He loved his booze and other illegal things.  They divorced but Candy never stopped  her love and affection for Dan. She did everything to mend the relationship but it was not to be. Dan loved her too but had other loves.

The doctors told hospice no more food or water for Candy. She would lie in bed wracked in pain and ask about her one love, Dan.
For 5 weeks Candy hung on. There was no medical reason for her to still be here. Still be on Earth, still alive, still loving Dan.
Every day she asked for him. 

The doctors and nurses were amazed she was still clinging to life.

Everyone would say, "What is she waiting for?"

She was waiting for Dan!

Last week Candy took her last breath. Her beautiful heart stopped beating. 
When we knew she was gone, we were all so sad but so relieved she was no longer suffering. No longer in pain....
She was gone.
We got the call later that night that Dan had died. 
6 hours after Candy took her last breath at home. Dan died in a hospital emergency room 2 miles away from liver failure. 
Candy was waiting on Dan.
The most ironic part of all.....
They both died on their wedding anniversary!
Their daughter Dani lost her mother and her father all in one night.
6 hours apart.

I truly believe in my heart that Candy waited on Dan. Her heart knew he would need her where they were going. I believe and all of her family and friends believe that her love for him waited to hold his hand and take him to eternity together.
I write this sobbing. 
A more pure love story could not be made up like this. I think love can be as strong as the Heaven's.



Next time I write I want to tell you how my darling husband helped me from his grave. It was like he was guiding me. Helping me. I'm too emotional right now to tell it all but it's a powerful love story too.
Until next time... 
Cherish those you love like there's no tomorrow. 

I love you all. 



Thursday, February 28, 2013

Vampire Face Lift

Vampire Face Lift

So, I did a video a week or so ago after being away from YouTube for well over a year.
It was very liberating and fun! 
I was back.
I missed all of you so much and especially missed the "friendships" that I have developed thru the years on the web with all of you.
I truly did miss you and thought of you many times. But... I digress.

The first video back, I was a nervous wreck. 
Would I still be able to sit in my bathroom in front of my little "Flip-Cam" and talk to you in coherent sentences? 

I did it!
I was back.
I can do it and loved doing it. The interactions from you are what I missed most. Sweet, beautiful comments and so much love! 
I was back.

Being caretaker to a dying loved one can and will take it's toll. You hair goes dull, your mind loses it's sharpness.  Your looks go hollow.
You can either gain or lose weight.
I gained! Boy did I gain!

Then... he died.
I lost.
I lost so much including weight.

My features seemed to crumble and when I looked in the mirror 6 months later, I didn't even recognize myself. 
After my husband's death, I was convinced I had less than 6 months to live. 
I planned my funeral down to the last detail. Gave  my boys explicit instructions on what to do with my estate and all of my worldly possessions.
I was going to be gone anyway, why bother with living? Why buy anything or worry about how I looked. 
My clothes hung off me by now. 
I had lost 35 pounds by the time I finally woke up!
Who was I anymore?

I decided I needed outside help STAT!
After being in Florida, I went to see a wonderful doctor and his work seemed to be a miracle in my life. 
I am not going to die!
I am 57 years old. I have a lot of living to do. 
I joined a gym. 
I made an appointment at a Rejuva spa and my entire outlook changed that day. 
I was back!!

The doctor told me of a procedure that uses your own blood and spins it down to a serum of platelet rich plasma that he injects into your face to fill in hollows and form an under the skin roadmap to rebuild valuable collagen and a network of Fibrin Matrix under the skin. 

In one simple sentence....
Within one to three months of treatment, Selphyl reverses the ravages of time. Damage from age and weather begin to disappear.
They call this the Vampire Face Lift because it uses your own blood to give you a non-surgical facelift!

Here's how it went for me:
I agreed to to have my doctor perform the procedure. He asked me if I wanted a Dental Block for the pain? 
Uhmmm. Yes!
He injected a numbing agent into the gum line on top and bottom. 3 shots to the gums upper and 3 shots to the lower and my entire mouth was numb. I felt as if I had eaten a case of frozen Popscicles. 
While that was taking effect he took 3 vials of blood from my arm. No pain no gain, right?

The blood vials he puts into a centrifuge (looks like a toaster oven) to spin the blood to a clear serum. The precious vials of clear liquid he sets on a sterile tray.
By now, my mouth has no feeling. 
My tongue. 
Is it dangling out of the corner of my face? 
I haven't got a clue. I can't feel a thing.
In a series of quick shots with many needles (probably 50) he injects my own cells back into me only now into my haggard face. 
Nothing foreign. It's all mine!
He explains that it will be days or even weeks before I see results. The network of stem cells are in place and can begin doing their job. 
My mouth and face are numb. I look like I stuck my face into a very large bee hive on a sunny day and got the crap stung out of me. 

I get no real instructions except not to use my Clairsonic for 24 hours. 

Total cost?
$1200.00
One more dose in two months at half that price.
$600.00
________ 
$1,800.00 to rewind your face 10- 15 years?
Some bruising that fades each day but is easily covered with a good concealer.
I go back to work the next day.

2 Weeks Later:
Every day I wake up and see a subtle difference. It's not really like a filler but it's more a softening of your face. 
This morning I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection there,
"Well, Hello! Who are you?
Where did you come from? 
I don't know but I like you!"
I am back!

I am very pleased with the results and will go back in 4 weeks for the 2nd round. Results generally last 3 years. 
That's a long time. 3 years.
I hope this answers any questions you may have. I will drag my camera along on my next visit and film it. 
I love you all. xo









Monday, February 4, 2013

Working Girl

Hello Again My Lovely and Beautiful Friends.

Not because I am broke or in debt, I am going back to work. 


My husband insured I would be taken care of long into my 90's and beyond. 

He simply didn't want me to have to depend on a man for support in any way. I'm happy he did that for me not because of the money but because of the independence and freedom to go and do what I want and need to do. I have several girlfriends that lost their beloved husbands only to lose their homes and lifestyles as well. 

The house in Key Largo sold. It was to be mine for a year. I gave it up as soon as I was able to physically get on a plane and manage the move. 

It was hard. So many memories there. Beautiful memories of a time when we were happy and healthy.
It's hard to go from being happily married to suddenly single.
Had my husband left me for another woman I could have tried to get him back. Fought for him. Begged, pleaded and worked to keep him close and mine. 
He didn't leave me for another woman. 
He died. 
He left me to save a spot for me at his side in Heaven. 

I know he's near me daily. I see him every time the sun rises in the morning. When the Florida wind kicks up and I feel the soft breeze on my face... I know he's there. Beside me. 

I fought. I fought hard for him to stay here but God wanted him there. 
I begged and pleaded and worked so hard to keep him with me.
I made deals with God. God had other plans for a great man.
Who am I to argue with God?

I bought a new house closer to my son here in Florida. I am keeping my Indiana home and will fly back and forth.  Being here has been healing for me. 

Anyway, I am doing well. 
Not 100% yet but it will come. 
I applied to three airlines and am going back to flying. It's my passion. One doesn't work simply because they are broke. 
I love to work. Sitting and staring at walls all day gets very old and extremely exhausting. I may be 57 years old but I am far from dead! 
I love people and feel I still have plenty to offer this planet so off to work I go.

Getting up in the morning and having a plan is very liberating. 
Sure, with all of the money my husband left me, I could shop and lunch with friends all day. Buy exotic cars, travel the world, drip myself in diamonds but that is simply not me. 

I love you all and will do videos soon. I miss my YouTube channel but the time just hasn't felt right. It will. 

I have found that all things good come in due time when the timing is right.
Love and Peace,
Lana




Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I have SHOES Older Than YOU!

Sun and Sand.
Tropical breezes and hope in the air.
Life is changing. There are days I don't want it to change and others I crave the changes.
Since my husband passed away, I feel like I am 16 years old released into the wild streets with no direction.
I warned close family and friends that I WILL make mistakes. Not to watch me too closely and please, most of all, not to judge.
DO NOT JUDGE ME

I was driving down the road on a sunny Florida day and this odd feeling rushed toward me and hit me up side my head like a MAC truck. 

What was it?
It felt oddly great.
It then occurred to me that this odd feeling was "happy"
Just a flash in a nano-second but there it was!
I felt it so few times after my husbands diagnosis.
Thought that word was erased from my vocabulary for eternity after his death but it's not. Happiness is still there. It's how you allow it to come visit you.  I want it to come live with me. It's a much better houseguest than sad and pathetic.

I feel those feeling rush up to greet my face more and more as days slip by. I like it. I'm not going to push it away! 
Come back Ms. Happy, You're always welcome here.

It truly must be beginning to show on me as well as in me.

I was asked out  3 times this week!


I was in the grocery store. (The grocery stores down here are much prettier happier places than in Indiana)

An attractive gentleman in Dr. scrubs came up next to me as I stood pondering to my self what the difference was between a Burrito Kit and a Taco Kit  in the salsa aisle. 
He said, "If you don't feel like cooking it, there is a fun Mexican restaurant down the street if you'd like to go. We can leave our carts here and escape to Mexico for an hour or perhaps you prefer the real thing?"
What?
Are you talking to me? 
I just avoided his eyes and mumbled some dumb thing. Muttering as I pushed my cart away scrambling to move away, hoping I wouldn't blurt out some idiotic sentence to embarrass myself.
On to frozen foods....
As I reached in to grab a bag of frozen peas, 
Same Dr. Same blue eyes asked if I was following him. 
Was he flirting with me?

Ha.

Me? Me, I asked? Surely not.
I am dead inside. I have no more to give or get.
Or do I?
It's far too soon and I will investigate this phenomena further but now is not the time.

The 2nd time I was a bit more prepared but just as shocked. 
To date again?
Go over all of life's history with a stranger? What's your sign? What do you do? Favorite movies? Ugh
All of that malarkey. Sounds exhausting.

The 3rd time I had to laugh to my self for hours after. He was 25 years old, cute as a button but as I told him.... 

I have SHOES older than he is!

My husband would hate all of this. He insured I would never have to depend on a man to care for me.  

My place is by his side for all eternity. I can and will grasp for that elusive happy where and when I can get it but for now not in the form of a "Date"
Maybe Later. 
I'm still finding myself.