Wednesday, June 22, 2011

One Bloody Bad Day

Today was misery.
We woke up at 3:30 to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m.
Answer questions for charts and more records.  Allergies, meds etc. Red Tape.
The RN who was so sweet began an IV but blew a vein straight away. 2nd try. She infiltrated the vein this time. I saw the Lactating Ringer solution well up into a huge bolus under the skin on his arm. All the fluids settled there. Call in a back-up 2nd RN since they have a 2 Stick Rule and this one got it. Whew.

Next, the surgeon and the anesthesiologist came in. One detail was discussed that if the tumor was too big for my husband to be intubated (The Dr. breathes for you thru a tube inserted in your airway) so that he would have to have a tracheotomy)  A tracheostomy is a hole cut into your throat to be used for an airway, food, water and to talk. That also involves a week-long stay in the hospital and the trach would have to stay in place thru radiation and chemo treatments so that is over 2 months with a hole in your throat. All while getting the crap sizzled out of your neck with radioactive beams. Not Fun.
They take him to surgery at 7:30.

At 9:00 the RN comes to tell me that the surgeon still hasn't performed the surgery biopsy. The tumor is 
 6 inches across and pressing hard against the windpipe. 3 more weeks and it would have suffocated him. No air and you die.
You can live 
3 weeks with no food
3 Days with no water
3 minutes with no air.
These two wonderful Doctors worked for well over an hour but they got that tube down his  airway so NO TRACHEOSTOMY!!! Good News and I truly do think all of YOUR prayers helped with that one. Hey, I'll take one miracle at a time.
2 more hours... Both doctors come to find me in the surgery waiting room. 
The tumors are growing at lightening speed. Radiation and chemo are imperative now or as in two months ago! His neck has many other tumors, some small and some large. One is 6 times the size the surgeon has ever seen.
They tell me he will have a very rough road ahead. You only get ONE shot at radiation in your lifetime, at least in your neck. Too much and it can kill YOU and not the cancer.
We won't even think about if the Radiation doesn't work....
Two nurses come to get me. He is in recovery but family is not allowed back there. My husband is very agitated and asking for his wife so they let me back there into those secret halls where family never enters.

OMG. When I see my wonderful football/basketball player husband lying there so vulnerable, I just about melt. I want to crawl into the next bed over and cover my head and his too.
His throat is a bloody mess where they took a biopsy from one of the tumors. 
They "de-bulked" the largest one so he can breath. (I assume de-bulked means to cut part of it off.) Ouch.
 His mouth. His mouth is so full of blood and pieces of tissue. His skin is ice cold as I put my lips on his face. I can see his pain but former athletes never whine. I do! His pain scale was a 10.
 I told him he had to get the morphine offered and he finally does. I convince him that it's not being wimpy to take pain meds. 
Oh, the rest of the day was more scans and pokes, prods, meds and procedures. So many wonderful nurses and doctors to help us. My husband has never been sick! No surgeries or broken bones, no ailments or treatments since he had his tonsils removed at 6 years old.
What causes this type of aggressive ugly cancer?
Smoking. My husband never smoked a day in his life.
Drinking. My husband has a few beers with the boys once a week, if that.
More men get this type than women. 

I do know that I have never felt so helpless and incapable in all my life. We are like two children here and I am more lost than he is! I can evacuate a burning aircraft of 215 passengers in less than 90 seconds but I am a complete dolt when it comes to any of this. 
I cried for 20 minutes when I couldn't find the thermometer but finally did when I found it clutched in my own hand. I didn't know I had it. 

I need to learn to slow down and be calm. No longer one day at a time but one minute at a time. 
He's home now and resting. He describes his throat as a Lawn Mower that had a party in his mouth.
Thank You all for everything from your advice and instructions to  Prayers and support but mostly for being here for me.  Being here for us both. You are all amazing! 
I had my iPad in my bag with me in the Recovery room and the Tweet beeps and incoming email beeps were going off like fireworks. It gave us both so much comfort. You were right there with us!
My husband said that with each beep you let him know that he's still alive. 
Right now, I want to go eat a medical dictionary. 
WHY didn't I pay more attention to my First Aid courses? Why?


  1. Well this made me cry. Its just so sad. Im so sorry Lana. I cant even find the words. Thinking of you both.

  2. Lana, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband! Thank you for sharing all these personal details with us, we appreciate you keeping us has made me appreciate my loved ones even more. Prayers for a successful recovery!!

  3. I am praying for you both right now! With so many asking God for wisdom for the doctors, grace and peace for you and most of all - strength for your husband - I know the prayers will be answered! Wish I could give you a big hug right now.

  4. Yes Lana, sounds like a very long day. I'm with hurdle at a time and he cleared that today! Makes me think he may be able to clear more! Thanks for the update. I understand you feeling so weak and helpless. It would have to make you feel that way. I still say you can do it and you will. I think the one minute at a time is the way to go. Think about how they coach the basketball games. Break it all down into those quarters and the big run comes in the last 5 minutes of the game. Tons of love coming your way and I'm so glad you both feel it. Peg~

  5. a guru on youtube made a video asking her subscribers to reach out and pray for you the other day...
    thats how i found out about u and everything you and ur husband are going through my thoughts and prayers are going out towards both of you in this difficult time

  6. Lana! Thank God you are giving us good news. Even if the situation is so complicated for him, I feel a little bit relieved. When reading your description of your husband when you saw him in the room, I think I connected with your feelings, got nervous and stressed. But I also am happy that you are both ok, and home, and resting. We are with you. You are teaching us a good lesson, Lana. Good bless you both, I'm still here reading your blog every day, and thinking of you and your husband every day. God bless you.

  7. Dearest Lana,

    If anyone deserves to live happily ever after, it is you after everything you have been through. But that must be why you were sent to eachother. You are so incredibly strong and unbreakable, and your husband is so so blessed to have you. You need that strength right now, and so does he. I am praying for his health and for those freaking tumors to go away!!


  8. Dear, dear Lana, I just learned about your husband...and I send you all my love. Remember that you are not weak, you're just human, so take all the help you can from friends and family!!! You're no help to anyone if you don't take care of yourself. Wish I was living closer. I'll be praying for you both.

  9. I'm so glad that you have answers now, and that your hubby came through the operation..
    I pray for continuing stregth, courage and all the best for both of you, I know that your love for one another can get you through this.
    Sending you hugs, my thoughts are with you Lana xx

  10. Lana I've enjoyed your videos so much over the past months. I feel as if you are a friend. I am praying for you and your husband. Thanks for the updates.

  11. Lana,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you & your hubby with every moment...Hang in there we are here for you even though we don't personal I feel you are apart of our world. When you are hurting we are hurting.. Sending you lots of love & strength...
    God bless

  12. Lana~
    You and your hubby are never more than a thought away from me. Loving you from afar and praying for your swift recovery from the procedures of the day. Love heals and you are surrounded with plenty of it!

  13. Lana, this brought tears to my eyes as I read about your day today and what your husband said as he heard each message beep come over your iPad. May he keep hearing those beeps for a very, long, long time. May the treatment have him feeling himself again swiftly because you and Hubby want to get on with your lives because you've got a whole lot more of living to do, together. My prayers are with you day and night, every second of every day. Give your husband a great big hug for me. Biggest hugs to you, sweet Lana. Vickie

  14. Oh Lana I just am catching up with your blog and am so sorry about your news. Normally I'm just a lurker but I had to tell you about our friend Ron. Ten years ago our friend Ron, who was 45 at the time, was diagnosed with the same cancer as your husband. I will not lie - the treatment was grueling and very nearly did him in. It was a long haul and there were bleak - very bleak - moments. But he is cancer free now. It took him a few years to get through the treatment and the recovery of that treatment but other than some souvenir scarring and a permanently raspy voice (which is kind of sexy, actually) he is 100% fine. Be hopeful and on the days that you are finding that too much to ask then let us be hopeful for you. You spread so much warmth and joy and now it is our chance to repay you. I am keeping your husband and you very close in my thoughts.

  15. Lana and Mr Indiana,
    I've been following your blog and youtube for a while and I always make sure I watch you. I have written a quick coment to you before saying you really remind me of Lucille Ball. I grew up watching re-runs of I Love Lucy after school and there's something about being both gorgeous, hilarious and a sweetheart that just captures people, draws them to you. So here is another little firework for you both. Mr Indiana, you are blessed to have such a wonderful and loving partner. From the sounds of it, Lana thinks the world of you and more. You are in our hearts. Hang tough buddy, you've got one hell of a woman rooting for you with everything shes got and we're all behind both you and her wishing you strength, minimal pain and above all lots and lots of love. You can do this, both of you.

  16. This is Deborah from your Youtube and Lana I just want you to know I'm praying hard for your dear Hubby. I have been where you are with my Father and it will wear you down so please make sure you are trying to eat right and taking care of your own health too. My heart aches for you both. I pray for a full recovery and have researched throat cancer and there is a high recovery rate. Keep the Faith babygirl! Much love~ Deb

  17. Lana I'm so glad they got his tube in! It really baffles the mind that radiation and nasty chemo chemicals are how they fight this but it is! I have been through this with my Dad's cancer and I can't imagine having radiation on your THROAT! I will say so many many more prayers for your husband. This will be tough and it will be a long road. Just know we are here and caring about you! Hugs, love and prayers.
    Charlene (5995char)

  18. Lana ...I am so glad today went as well as it did. I am so glad that they got it now . I wish like you both do it had been caught earlier but things happen for a reason ..even though we do not know the reason we must just go with it. I can't imagine loosing or almost loosing my husband ...I can only imagine your fear. I know you both have a long battle ahead of you but I have told you from day one that I am praying for a miracle and even ask my church to put him on their prayer list . Remember if God will bring you to it ..He will also bring you through it ....I am here if you are ready to talk or even have the time. I love you dearly and it matters not what time of day or night I am here. xoxo Susie ~

  19. Lana,

    I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. I was so shocked to come across twitter today and see the news...Cancer has affected my family as well and I want you to know that if you keep your head up and you never let go you WILL be able to overcome this and your husband WILL beat the bastard. You have such a loving family and beautiful grandchildren I'm sure they are all rooting for their Pappy! As for you, you need to take it easy and just breathe...that's all you can do right now! Breathe and pray...nothing else matters in life right now other than your husband's health and I promise that every other little worry in life means NOTHING compared to this. Focus on the road ahead and you will do great girl! :)

  20. Oh honey :( What a day!! I don't even have words for you, but just know YOU ARE STRONG and you WILL GET THROUGH this!! Of course you can't know what to do, very few people WOULD! But you're an amazingly smart woman and you will learn what you need to know!

    PLEASE let your husband know that taking the meds will make him heal quicker (FACT!) and if he refuses, it will only make the healing time longer! So he's not being a wimp FOR SURE if he gives in and takes the meds, it's the best for him to do it!

    Sending all the strength I can muster and tons of love and most important PRAYERS! I love you and will be right there by your side in spirit for everything you have coming up in the next few months! HANG TIGHT! YOU CAN DO THIS!! XXXOOO

  21. Thank God for today's miracle and future ones to come. Don't let go of your faith. God's Peace will be there for you and Henry.

    Continued prayers and BIG {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} to you both and your families. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  22. I will pray for you and your hubby, Lana. And I will pray for an extra dose of strength for you right now! XO, Steph.

  23. Dear Lana,
    Thank you for the update, I'm glad your husband is back at home with you trach tube free! Thank God for small mercies!
    You are both going through hell right now and I wish you the strength to prevail. My thoughts are with you both and I'm keeping them positive!

    Please look after yourself when you can and take a deep breath once in a while. I can't imagine how horrific this all must be but I know you are a strong woman and you will get through it. Your husband is a very lucky man to have you on his side. Together you are strong and you will fight this horrible disease with the help of all our positive thoughts and prayers!

    Take care Lana!
    Love and my most positive thoughts,

  24. Someone gave my mother this poem when she was diagnosed with cancer. I love it and always send it to my friends who are going through struggles, so that includes you and your precious husband.

    God has not promised
    skies always blue,
    flower-strewn pathways
    all our lives through;
    God has not promised
    sun without rain,
    joy without sorrow,
    peace without pain.
    But God has promised
    strength for the day,
    rest for the labor,
    light for the way,
    Grace for the trials,
    help from above,
    unfailing sympathy,
    undying love.

  25. Dear sweet Lana ♥ ((((huge hugs))))

    I believe in miracles. I know the power of prayer and the healing touch of the Lord. I not only believe in the power of prayer, but I have seen it's power unfold right in front of my eyes as my son laid in a hospital bed.

    My heart, thoughts and constant prayers are with you both. Just know that someone out there is praying without ceasing.. ♥

  26. So glad they got the tube in - it's about time you had some good news. Glad he accepted the pain meds. Sometimes we all need help and it's ok to ask. Hang in there! Both of you!

  27. Lana I'm sorry I haven't been checking your blog the last few days. I am so sorry and will be praying for you and your family. Also one of those nutty people who just sent you a PM to see if I can help in anyway. You have helped me more times than you know. Please let me return the favor.

    possumgator from youtube

  28. Sorry, had to put in this medical tip. Make sure he's getting morphine around the clock, not just prn, (or when he requests it). Most people wait till their in pain and that is not good pain control. Tell the doctors you want it around the clock and an additional pain med order for break through pain. That's the only way to control it.

    I'm a bossy ER/ICU nurse in excess of 32 years, your going to have to tell them what you want.

  29. Oh mY God, thats all I keep thinking. I so know what this is like, there are just no words...

  30. Eveyday w/o fail I will read your post and today your post really scared me. It show how fragile a life can be. You have such a wonderful husband that never smoke a day in his life and this kind of sickness can happen to him.... Gosh.... your post really makes me treasure what I have in my life right now.

    I will pray for your husband.

  31. Lana I am so sorry for all that you and your husband and family are going through. I just want to say I am thinking and praying for you and your husband. God is good and if you and your husband give your life to him and pray to him your husband will get through this. Praying for a successful recovery. Hugs


  32. lana, that little glimpse of luck that got him through without a tracheostomy, you just need a few more of those tiny moments, you can get through this, both of you together.
    hold on to the little good things that happen, and remember that if god is listening, he has hundreds of people who want your husband to make it through this and it would only be fair to answer those prayers.
    jen xoxo

  33. Lana, yes, love; take a minute at a time. Wishing this nightmare will be over soon. Thinking about you and him. Lots of positive thoughts and prayerrs on your way:), Karine.

  34. Lana and's so hard to see a man become dependant on women...must be worse to see a man's you have described him to me..cancer..hate this word too...minute by minute .. that's all you can do..please know that you BOTH are constantly on my mind and in my prayers ... love will help you through this journey...hold his hand and smile...he's so lucky to have you Lana...and you are right...the power of prayer..I believe in it too! *big hug* Be kind to yourself too are so loved by all of us x

  35. Dearest Lana, When I read through your blog I couldn't stop crying, for lots of reasons. I am relieved that your husband was strong enough and came through this first tough hurdle. God bless him, God bless you both and keep you safe, there for each other and each and every one of us here will continue to pray like crazy for you both. You too are going through so much pain, pain of a different kind but pain all the same. Writing probably helps, and we sure want to know how you are both coping. I had to smile when you wrote about the tweet beeps and emails coming in like are both loved very much by so many of us. My prayers for you are constant throughout the day Lana. More than anything I pray for this stage of your ordeal to be over, for your husband to fight and beat this nasty condition and for you both to be allowed to carry on getting on enjoying your lives and be able to put this heavy load down and walk away from it. Warm hugs to you both....Leyla xx

  36. Lana, I often wonder why bad things happen to good people. There must be a reason, but sometimes it's hard to figure out why. I feel so sorry for both of you. I remember Dad's mouth had so many sores and we had to give him water by putting little sponges in his mouth. I don't even know you but feel like I do through your videos. Your husband saying his throat felt like a lawm mower was partying in it brought tears to my eyes. I say a prayer for both of you each night and hope that this is over for you soon and you both can vacation on a nice, sunny beach someplace. I'm sending hugs, prayers and light to you. We all love you, Lana. Take care..

  37. I won't lie. I cried reading this. This whole ordeal is horrible and shouldn't happen...not to you, not to anyone. But the silver lining... one step done and out of the way, one positive is no trach. More positives and good news WILL come your way! I have faith that it will. Keep your eyes set on the positives and it will keep you moving, keep you strong.

  38. Lana, you have to stay strong for your husband. My aunt is fighting her own battle, so I do know how difficult it is. My prayers are with you and your husband. Love from Poland xxx

  39. Lana,prayers still coming your way.

  40. Sweet, Sweet Lana...

    You and your husband have an army of people filled with love and prayers for you.

    After the dark storms, come beautiful rainbows.


  41. Still sending *hugs* Lana. God will be very busy listening to all our prayers for you and your husband but I don't think he minds!

  42. Lana Sweetie--Thank God for His tender mercies. I'm so thankful your hubby didn't require the tracheostomy. You and your husband will remain in my prayers. I just want to reach through this computer and give you a giant hug. You are so very loved. Hugs and prayers,~Marilyn<3

  43. im praying for you and your husband every day and hope that the storm clears soon ... <3

  44. Reading all this really makes me cry, I just recently found you on youtube and read all of this....My prayers are with you and your husband.

  45. dear lana, thinking of you and your husband every day , sending you light and prayers from the holly land...shirly

  46. Dear Lana- On Dec. 13th, my 52 year old husband was diagnosed with Stage Four Prostate Cancer. Like you- I looked at his once strong body filled with tubes, now gaunt, marked with permanent marker for his radiation treatments. Like you- how could I tell my two daughters that their father was so sick. Like you- sobbing by myself so he would not see how scared I was. Like you- telling my dickhead (that what I call him) that I love him more than he will ever know.

    On Xmas day, I was on a payphone sobbing to my mother. I sounded like a wounded animal and did not know I could make sounds like that when a big black man came up to me, gently put his hand on my shoulder and then he hugged. He did not say a word, and all I could say was "Thank you".
    He gave me his strength and now I pass that along to you. Please know that you are not alone. I send you and your dickhead (you are supposed to smile here :)) my love, my strength and my prayers. Louise (You Tube's Weezie1957) xoxoxoxo

  47. Praying for you both, Lana, and thinking of you all the time. Stay strong. You are a strong, courageous lady.

  48. Lana, thinking of you and your husband each day. I am so sorry that he has to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. The power of prayer is very strong and you have so many of us praying for your wonderful husband!

  49. Lana......this is surreal. I know we all want to wake up with both of you from this nightmare. Oh Lana, I've been subscribed to you on youtube for so long and I can't stand this pain you're in. I've laughed with you when you joke about the funny "straight man" comments that your hubby's made! We all care so much for both of you! Yes you AND your un-named straight man ;)

  50. Lana,

    I'm so sorry your husband is going through this!! My heart just breaks for you!! I feel like I know you and love to watch your videos! You always get me to laugh or smile! We all don't appreciate what we have until it's too late. I like to thank God for the ordinary day. We all just don't appreciate the things God gives us. I will pray for you and your husband. Know that they are thousands praying for you both!! Hugs & Prayers!!

  51. Lana- I've watched your videos for a long time and I've always perceived you as a strong, loving, caring funny even though I have never met you. I became really busy and didn't see your videos in a while and when I saw your most recent video I was in complete shock and very saddened by the news of your husband's illness. To see you break down like that really broke my heart, and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband during this difficult time. Hugs and Kisses from Toronto, Canada


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