Saturday, June 18, 2011

Scans and Needles and Probes... Oh My!

Remember what seems like months ago but was only days ago I was BEGGING for answers? 
Ha! Now I don't want any more answers. I want to rewind to two weeks ago when we were just a normal happy American couple living the normal happy American Dream.
Working, laughing, enjoying life as everyone else does. 
R-E-W-I-N-D

If only it could be that easy.
I look at my husband and I have to rush to a room where I can close the door or hide behind a bed or wall to cry. I must stay strong. If he sees me break I swear he may crumble and we have the fight of our lives ahead of us.
We drove for miles to get a biopsy consult. This was supposed to be No Big Deal. The Ear Nose and Throat specialist was to tell us what kind of biopsy and how the procedure would go. Instead, he read the previous CT Scans and decided to do a light probe right there in the office. He stuck a very long piece of cotton gauze soaked in a numbing agent up his nose, left it there 10 minutes, came back and then shoved a light down his throat and looked around. 
As of now the official name is Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Tonsils and Throat. 
The EXACT same cancer that Michael Douglas had. 

But....
He has ordered more tests. A PET Scan, EKG ( to see if he's strong enough for what's ahead) and more Blood work on Monday. 
A PET Scan is a full body scan to check to see if this monster has spread to other organs. 
Dear God, please let it not have spread.
The lymph glands are 3 times the size of what they should be and his windpipe is being strangled by these cancerous tumors. There are 6 lymph glands in your neck. 5 of his are huge and growing.
 Time is not our friend anymore.
We used to make lists of things we had to do:

*Fly to Miami
*Gas up the cars
*Pack for a trip
*Buy new shoes and a dress for a gala event
*Go to a Wedding today


Yesterday, we made an entire new kind of list that made me want to hide in a closet and never come out:








*Buy a cemetery plot
*Pre-pay for our funerals
*Get our banking affairs in order
*Tell his 95 year old mom that her only son has Stage 4 cancer
*Meet with all the kids and break the news
*Tell as many of our friends that we can
*Call our dear friend and cancel our plans to attend his daughter's wedding. (I bought the most fabulous Zac Posen dress to wear but now Who really cares?)
*Find a doctor in Huston TX at MD Anderson that specializes in this type of cancer
*Decide if before treatment begins to get a feeding tube placed because his throat will be burnt to shreds by the radiation. Drinking water will be like entering the gates of hell for 6 to 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.


I apologize for being so depressing. You all know me. I am always one to make droll boring things into funny fabulous things. I can't seem to find one thing fun or fabulous anymore. At least not right now....

43 comments:

  1. Breaks my heart, I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine. Still praying

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  2. This breaks my heart. I am sending you all my love and hope that all goes well. You are in my prayers!!!! Still crying over here, and I am more than 3000 miles away!!!

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  3. Oh Lana, I'm so sorry to hear all this. If it's any kind of comfort to you a 79 yr old member of my family won his battle over his bladder cancer, it had spread further than they thought, they treated him and thankfully he is clear when he goes for his checks. Just wanted to give you a personal account of the doctors and the body working their magic.

    Reading what you guys are going through is heart-breaking. It'll be hard to tell family but also wonderful to have their support, you both need that more than ever.

    Hugs darling,
    Diane

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  4. Lana, dear, I had no idea this would be the first blog I'd read on your very recently found blog. I am so sad, and praying for you and your husband. You mentioned Michael Douglas yourself, and I humbly believe you both shoud really try to focus in stories like his, cos he's doing better now, and the mind is VERY VERY powerful. So, try to stay positive, for YOU, him, your kids.. I know you will:) I'll be thinking about you and sending you LOADS of positive, "white", vibrant energy. Stay strong. All my love to you.
    xxx♥, Karine

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  5. my heart is breaking for you. i wish there was something we could do. xx

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  6. Keeping my fingers crossed for you both!

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  7. After spending all of your life preparing for a wonderful cozy future, paying taxes, being so generous to others, sharing your heart....then THIS happens?? WHAT! This is not Fair!!!! Lana,,I have been in that place way too many times...and altho I cannot feel exactly what you are feeling...I can relate to it.. YOU will discover a strength you never knew you had. You and your hubby will discover a connection more than only comes from crisis. Everything is fine ..when everything is fine right? But in times of disparity comes the true gifts of human connection...I am sad for myself too..selfishly I cannot have my bubbly Lana on youtube right now....but I know on a deeper level and spiritual level I am still connected to you can support you thru this in my limited capacity. Now pass me that box of tissues and lets cry together eh?

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  8. I agree with Karine, the mind is very powerful. I know you are terrified, now is the time to proactive... of course I know you already are.. A few things that I have learned from Myrtle Potter (she is a healthcare expert) .. Make sure your doctor is board certified. This is very important and you will surprised at home many doctors are not board certified. Check with your state's accreditation board. Do you live near a university hospital? They see more difficult patients, the more they see of one case the better they are at treating them and they are on top of the most scientific issues. Ask for the attending physician, tell them you are more comfortable not see the resident (doctor in training). You can always ask for the hospital's patient advocate to help you navigate everything. You are going to be extremely stressed and this might come in helpful. Blessings to your family Lana.

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  9. Lana, This little ebook from Myrtle Potter has lots of great info:
    http://www.myrtlepotter.com/jhsfgquyCBJACSAJVCYUASCVA/Ebook_The_Best_Medicine.pdf

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  10. Lana, Honey, You both will fight, and your love for one another--and the love God has for you both--will carry you through. I am praying for you both. I love you, Lana ~Marilyn

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  11. Lana.... You poor sweet lady, I feel so bad that there is nothing I can say to make this situation better. You are a strong woman and I know you CAN help your husband triumph over this cancer & come out the other side stronger than ever before. Good things happen to good people, I know you and your husband are good people, karma will ensure a happy outcome.
    I know it's very hard right now, but try to stay as positive as you can, if you give up now your letting the big C win, stay strong and with good doctors, the love and support of all your friends & family your husband will be the one with the Gold medal at the end of this journey ~~~~~ all my <3 Sarah Jane xxx

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  12. I'm searching for the right words to lift your spirit, but all I want to do is hug you.

    ))))HUG((((

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  13. Lana reading this just made me cry ...and hurt for the both of you . You do have the fight of your life in front of you ....I know that somewhere down inside you that you will find the energy and strength to get him and you through this. I love you dearly and I keep both of you close in my thoughts and my prayers . xo Susie ♥

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  14. hey lana i just started watching your videos today you are so sweet and beautiful inside and out. I really hope you read this my brother in law was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in his 20s...he has been a cancer survivor for 7 years now i just want to encourage you to read his blog or have your husband do so. thanks God bless and many prayers headed your way. chrisbeatcancer.com

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  15. omg lana i just looked for you and sow the hard news.pls be strong and positive and know that many ppl love you and pray for you and your husband ,
    i m sending you love and light in this hard time shirly

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  16. Lana, I'm so sorry to hear this. Yes, its going to be a horrible fight but its one you can win. Don't lose sight of that. If Michael Douglas can do it, I KNOW your husband can. I don't know him but from what I've heard you say, I know he is a strong man. Please keep in touch with us and keep us update as much as you can. Know that you both will be in our thoughts everyday. Not a day has passed since I heard about this that I've not thought about both of you, multiple times a day. Peg~

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  17. Oh Lana, I can imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be going through right now. I also just found your channel and blog. Hugs and prayers for a successful recovery.

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  18. Lana, I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. If it's any consolation, know that so many of us have been where you are and miracles can and do happen. We are all praying for the both of you. If I could, I'd give you a big hug right now. You have helped me feel better so many times (by watching your videos) and I wish I could do the same for you. As others have said, make sure there are other options, second opinions if you have to. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Your husband and you are the only people who count now. Do what you have to do, Lana. Fight this thing and know we all are cheering for you. Hugs to you both...

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  19. Oh my friend, I'm so sorry for your whole family. I am sending you hugs and loads of courage. God is good. He will hold you and get you through. Lean on His strength. My love to you both. Vonee ~ (8220822)

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  20. Stay strong, you are his rock in the sea. It´really breaks my heart to hear such depressing news. I wish I could say somthing to make you laugh again, as you did countless times to me. Our prayers are with you and especially your husband.

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  21. Lana,
    Of course you have my deepest sympathy for you and your family situation. These tests that life gives us an make you feel like you are spinning out of control. I know modern medicine has much to ofter but here is something that you can control.
    It is very important to feed the body's healthy cells as they travel through fighting cancer. Whole raw, organic foods a must. I became a certified nutritional consultant because my infertility. Please investigate nutrition, many many stories of "miracles" have been helped with food and supplements.
    God Bless and Love,
    Diane

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  22. if i could make you a miracle i would do it right this second. but in the meantime, i am here for you, any time of the day or night.

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  23. AlieHar (Alieebabyy)June 18, 2011 at 9:40 PM

    Lana, I'd be more than happy to give you the name of my doctor. He's in Corpus Christi so it's not Austin, but I fly in from Canada just to see him. He treat's Willie Nelson's ex-wife for her Parkinsons. My last visit, I was in the waiting room with a man who was given 2 months to live... 3 years ago. My doctor saved his life. Nobody is left out no matter how much or little money you have, or the reason you are sick. If you go to him, you will see stories of hope in every room. He got me walking after being bedridden for so long. My doctor told me I would never walk again at the age of 15.
    This doctor is a miracle Lana, I would love to give you his contact information.

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  24. Just remember this, Dear Lana! He is going to be FINE! That is to be your mantra!!

    And please don't ever think you need to apologize for writing what you feel -- that is what blogging is all about and we LOVE YOU for YOU! You need some place where you can vent right now and don't need to be sorry for it!

    Will continue to pray for both strength and healing and he WILL be fine!!

    Hugs and love to you all!
    ~M

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  25. sending all the love and support in the world to you lana and your husband I will be praying for you both!!! xxxxx

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  26. God is on your side, trust Him, He will help you through this. A lot of people around the world are praying for you and your husband. We are here for you. xoxoxo

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  27. Lana, I don't know you that well, but I want you to know that I love you, and no one expects you to be funny or fabulous at a time like this. You are taking care of business, and as quickly as possible without losing your mind. And you are doing it with as much grace and beauty as you always have. Again, I know these words sound trite, but again, I have been through all that crap and it is important that you take it one day at a time, and focus on praying and staying positive. I know it is hard. So hard. But you have to just stay in this moment, and breathe and know with all your heart he will get better. God has your back Lana, and so do all of us. Love you honey and praying for you both, Bridget

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  28. Oh Lana, my heart is breaking with you. I wish I could take it all away. I wish there was something I could do or say but there isn't a damn thing that will take the pain away for either of you right now. Please, please, please know that we love you and are praying for the both of you. God bless you. Love and lots of hugs your way, Sammie

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  29. I made you a shout out video Lana and I really hope you love it !
    No matter how young or old you are, you can always be a beauty~queen.
    *big hugs*
    Love, Julia

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USZGM0O9hhQ

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  30. I'm so sorry Lana,I would encourage you to check out the Gerson Institute, I don't reccomend many things but to educate yourself.http://www.gerson.org/

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  31. Dearest Lana,

    I still pray for you and your husband throughout the day and felt devastated for you both when I read of the diagnosis of squamous cell carcinoma stage IV. As a doctor Lana, it is not good news but let me tell you that there are patients who are exceptions to the rule and defy our expectations in a positive way. I hope and pray with all my heart that your husband is one of them. Miracles do happen Lana. I speak from experience as a clinician and personal experience when my own mother was given 9 months to live with breast cancer and she went on to live 11 years after her bleak prognosis!!!! Stay positive Lana and don't get caught up in the numbers game..........love and hugs my dear, Leyla xx

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  32. Thinking of you and your husband. I pray that God will see you both through this. Sending you lots of love x0x0x0

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  33. im so sorry lana, i hope that your husband does as well as my mother in law and gets through this. its a tough fight, but if anyone can get him through this is will be you.
    make the internet your friend, there are many things you can learn and try that might get him through this. i never knew anything about cancer but because of pam i have learnt alot and know i would not jus leave it to chemo.
    good luck sweetheart, i wish you both the absolutely ruddy best xxxx

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  34. I am so sorry, Lana. I wish I had words to comfort you, I know you must be partly in shock, as this seemed to come from out of nowhere. I would be a quivering blob of jelly if it were me; but I know that you are strong (you won't let him see you fall apart) and are facing some very heady potentially bad issues together. Lana, that takes inner strength, which I know you will share with your dear husband. He can make it through this & that is my prayer for you both. God bless your doctors, family & friends, all of whom I know will rally to your support now. Try to keep your chin up & remember that we love you. Thanks for the update, dear friend (hope next is better) xxx

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  35. I cannot imagine what you're going through. Try stay strong and positive. Look at this recent photo of michael douglas, he looks so healthy! xx http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20497458_20498363,00.html#20965752

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  36. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. God bless. Lou xx

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  37. Dearest Lana, I'm so very sorry. I pray all with go well for your husband. And you will be in my prayers also.((Hugs))

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  38. Oh Lana my heart just aches for you and your family. I unfortunately have had to make those sad lists too many times in my 51 years. In '97 when my husband was diagnosed with a 6 cm brain tumor the next day we were in the attys office updating the will and signing the papers for his wishes if he was to become to ill to speak for himself. Fast forward we are still here and together. It's been a rough road but miracles do happen. Where is that damn rewind button when you need it! Lots of prayers coming your way.

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  39. I wish I could give you a big hug and say something - something that would relieve your mind a bit, something that would help the situation, but all I can say is that you are a strong, wonderful woman and I know you'll be by his side and help him like no one else could. My thoughts and prayers and healing vibes are all for you. Love you, girl.

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  40. Lana I am SO SORRY for you, all my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. I sincerely hope for the best for you, much love from Toronto xoxoxox

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  41. i am so sorry Lana for what you and your husband are going through.
    MD anderson is a wonderful oncology center (I am a hem/onc RN)
    If the MD recommends the feeding tube and they think your husband will tolerate it, you should consider.. it will give him the nutrition to keep strong when the chemo exhausts him. It will relieve him the pain from swallowing too.
    You are in my prayers.

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  42. Lana my Prayers are with you.. I ask God to help both of you through this ordeal and may he surround you with strength and help you beat this.

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  43. Lana.. MD Anderson is wonderful... I know my husband spent 2 yrs there off and on..andnow he is cancer free and back to work... cancer is not the automatic death sentence it use to be.. there is a wonderful hotel across the street that is connected to the hospital via skylane..hes in good hands.. plus God is able.. aI will be praying

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