I apologize for not posting yesterday. Yesterday was brutal. I took a day off.
I wish Cancer would.
I can't stand that word. It makes me want to rage and pull my hair out and go kick someone right where it hurts. You see, we all go on living our lives in such a bubble of innocence. Sure, I have friends and heard stories of cancer and illness. Who hasn't? But when it comes to visit YOUR house like some unwanted filthy houseguest to wreak havoc and steal your life, then you're changed forever.
Yesterday our office trip to Inner Vision for the PET Scan began at 7:45 am.
Blood work, EKG, Chest xRay, another CT Scan ended at 3:00. 4:00 was the consult with the surgeon for the biopsy on Wed morning surgery.
It's funny, the nurses give YOU the blood to take to the lab be analyzed. They also give YOU a CD that holds your life on a disk. All of your scans, reports and results are on this disk. I wanted to take it home put it in my MacBook and hit "Reject."
Be gone you cancer bastard!
They gave me his 4 vials of blood to take to the lab. I had it sitting right next to me in the passenger seat of my car like a VIP passenger. One 1st class ticket to the lab.
I get it there safely and the tech tells me I didn't have the "Blue-Capped" vial of Blood.
What the hell does that mean?
I have this blood in a sealed bag with red and yellow stickers all over it. I stood there like some confused passenger that ended up in Shanghai when they were supposed to have landed on a beach in Monaco.
I think my mouth was even gapped open in confusion as I stood there at the lab window.
The rude tech said "You didn't bring the Blue Capped Vial of Blood. Go get it! You have to go get it! I need more blood here, lady!"
I felt as tho I had failed everyone. I had one task to do and I couldn't even do that right.
I stood there in the middle of the Medical Arts building in my wrinkled up linen suit and cried.
I completely lost it.
I don't mean tears running down my face, I mean full-blown sobbing and wailing. It wasn't pretty. I can usually hold it together but I even failed at that.
I completely lost it. It took restraint to keep from throwing myself on the marble floors and curl up in a fetal position and cry...
I did finally pull it together, went back to Inner Vision, got the nurse to enter the suite that my husband was getting his juice for the PET Scan, draw more blood and took it back to the lab.
I truly wanted to pull a scene like from the movie "Carrie" and envision all that blood on that rude lab tech dripping down her head and say "Here! Here's your Blue Capped Vial of Radioactive Blood!"
These days I look at my husband and cry.
I thought I was this strong strong woman. Boy, was I wrong. I have been thru some unspeakable things in my life. My childhood could be a really bad Made for TV Movie and I thought it made me like work-horse strong. I thought so many things about myself that I am finding to be horribly wrong.
The thought of what lies ahead for him makes me shudder.
If his prognosis is simply Stage 4 Squamous Carcinoma of the Throat, he is in for some really rough months ahead. If it is worse than that... I can't even imagine it.
Each and every note from all of you has gotten us thru and my husband and I appreciate them and your wonderful offers of Hope and Support more than you could ever know.
I have been given hundreds of perfect stranger's home phone numbers to call and
Offers....
I have had offers from people to come live with them during this.
I have had offers to come here to cook and clean for us.
Offers to do our laundry.
One sweet and wonderful friend has offered to let me call her at 4 a.m. or any time just to weep and she will listen in support.
I have had offers to drive us around to appointments.
I have had offers to take our two dogs until this nightmare is over.
I have had offers to call Doctors in Huston and pull strings for quick entry into the medical system there.
So many offers.
Most importantly, I have had thousands of offers to PRAY.
Prayers from perfect strangers. What amazing people all of you are. I am so Blessed.
Truly Blessed.
Tomorrow is the biopsy surgery. If all goes well, we will have answers and options.
If not, I don't know. The surgeon will put a probe with a camera down his throat. He will look inside his throat lungs, esophagus, stomach etc. They will hopefully get a tube past the cancer in his throat to breath for him during surgery. If the cancer has blocked that tiny hole then they will have to do a tracheotomy which is cut a hole in his throat to allow him to breath thru. I pray it all goes well.
Michael douglas went thru this and seems to be in remission. I am so Thankful for that.
His beautiful wife, Catherine Zeta Jones... She ended up in the looney bin. I can see why!
(I wonder if she ever dropped the ball on the Blue-Capped Vial of Blood?)
I am so humbled by your strength. I pray that your husband recovers swiftly and fully.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a strong woman Lana, strong people need to let their emotion out too. You will continue to be a strong woman and fight, because that is all you can do there is no other optiton. Fight like hell Lana. My prayers will be with you and your husband <3
ReplyDelete:( I am so sorry for what your family is going through. Your husband must be a strong person if he has you as a wife.. we can fight this Lana! Sending my prayers & strength your way ♥
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you, your husband and your family for days. You are always on my prayers. I wish I could hug you. Wishing for a full recovery. Love, Karine.
ReplyDeleteLana, this time is tough and its ugly... but I have confidence you two will pull through together. When this is all said and done your love for one another will be a million times stronger and years later you'll look back and be able to say... "We made it. We did it and look where we are now." I won't say "stay strong." You are human and to break down and cry is normal and probably the healthy thing to do when things are this chaotic and scary. Holding that high amount of emotion in is far from healthy. Tears or no, you have been strong! You have so many people rooting for your husband. We all wish we didn't have to...but you just wait.. it will be worth it and you guys will come out the victor over this horrible c word! Sending positive energy and thoughts in your direction
ReplyDeleteDear Lana
ReplyDeleteYou both are walking around in shock almost like just going through the motions..it's frustrating when you have to deal with some of the medical help out there...labs ha, you're just a number..and you'd like to reach through the glass and yell at the top of your lungs that this is YOUR hubby's blood not some damn medical form!! You need to cry? You cry...anytime and anywhere you need to...Lana don't ask me how but somehow you will reach down and be strong when you have to be...it just happens...life is going on while your life is going through hell...Lana lean on family and friends and let them help..you need that support..you know my number..anytime..always in my prayers and thoughts...*big hug*
Dear Lana, I'm sorry that the lab technician treated you so callously. It wasn't right. You are always so kind to everyone--so of course, you cried. Sometimes we need a good cry. The tears we cry are a balm to the injured spirit. Please know that you and your husband are in my prayers. Allow our prayers of love and healing to hold you up. God bless you and your hubby, Lana. With lots of hugs,~Marilyn
ReplyDeleteLana, please never apologise for not blogging .. you will update us when you can!! I am sending you the biggest hug from me in Ireland to you and your husband and know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers!! Being here I can offer you nothing more but I am sending you lots more strength to get through this to you both and you will my darling ... you will!
ReplyDeleteLana, I am praying for you and your hubby. Just hold on to each other and expect the best. You are about to learn how many kind people there are out there. When my hubby had his kidney removed (cancer), we were so humbled by the kindness of others. You will find strength in each other and your family. Be strong Lana, I did my crying in the shower, then nobody can tell. Lu
ReplyDeleteHi Lana, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have been looking around the Internet trying to see why you haven't posted for a while, I was worried you might be ill but didn't expect to find such a devastating reason for your absence on YouTube. I watch you here in the UK all the time as you are so lovely, funny and upbeat. I am really sad to hear how much you are going through right now. I pray that your husband is one of the lucky ones and pulls through this ordeal. Xx
ReplyDeleteLana ....You do not have to be strong all the time. You need to let your emotions out because you and your husband have a long battle ahead of you and don't carry these emotions that are bogged up with you let them out. Go in your room and just scream be mad , cry , curse what ever you need to do. I am still praying for a miracle my friend I do believe in them. I hope everything goes well on Wednesday and you get good news, I am here if you need me any time day or night . Much Love ♥Susie♥
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely gobsmacked. I had no idea you were going through this. There's not much to say at times like these but know we are all thinking of you and wish you both all the luck in the world getting through it. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteLana, You are strong! This would make ANYONE have a weak moment! Truth be known that good cry probably helped you more than you know. When all of us get together with you we talk about beauty (most of he time) and yes this is ugly, this is probably going to be one of the ugliest things you can imagine BUT you are strong and YOU can do what needs done. Thats what we women do. So what if you throw a fit in public, do it. If you need to scream back at someone who is being rude, do it. Sometimes that what they need. This is your husband and you care about him more than they do. What I'm saying is, you do anything you need to, to get through this. And please don't forget you have an asst. coach waiting in the wings...any hour of any day! I will sit on the phone with you and just listen and cry if thats what helps you. I will come and hold your hand if you need it. You call the shots! I wish only the best for you and hubby both. Stay strong Lana, and take those weak moments when you need to, use them. They will only make you stronger. Love to you both!! Peg~
ReplyDeleteI will be either holding my breath waiting for news or using my breath for prayer! Thank you for posting this and I'm so sorry that tech was so unprofessional. You had every right to lose it. Sending you and your hubby cyber hugs!
ReplyDeleteCharlene (5995char)
Im sending you, your husband and your family all my prayers. I know we dont personally know each other, but I have grand empathy for what you are going through as a wife, and a life partner. Im getting married next year, and I know that it would be hard for me to face what you are. Please know that hundreds of people are sending you loving supportive thoughts, prayers, light. Make sure to take time for self care- a bubble bath, enjoy something you love...you need to remember to eat, and drink more water than normal. When you take care of yourself, you are more able to care for others without burning out as fast. I wish I could just give you a big huge hug....With Love, Jessica from Vancouver Canada
ReplyDeleteLana, it's no wonder that you "lost it" in the lab office. What you and your husband have been going through is just too much for one person to hold inside. You were bound to burst at any time. You must let it out. Don't keep it bottled up inside you else this is what happens. Go scream, cry, throw things across the room if you must but just get it all out. You need your strength to help your hubby get through this. You are scared but deep down inside he is utterly terrified. Anytime you feel the need to get it all out, DO IT. It will make you stronger so your hubby can lean on you for support. Constantly keeping you both in my prayers and thoughts. Hoping the biopsy surgery goes well tomorrow. Big Hugs to you both, Sweetie! Vickie
ReplyDeleteLana, I just read all your entries of what you are going through and my heart aches for you. I will be praying for you both, healing for your hubby and strenght for you. Than you for sharing your feelings and know that not only do many read them and pray for you bru that they are a way of helping you to keep your sanity throughout this ordeal. Cry anytime you feel like it! That is one way we have of helping to ease the stress. Love and prayers, Linda from PA?
ReplyDeleteDearest Lana, You are a very strong woman, you just don't feel it at times and get taken over by the overwhelming storm that has hit you both. Look at how you make a joke about the absurdity of the vial with the blue lid.....you are an amazing woman Lana, truly you are. My prayers for you and your husband are constant, I think of you so often throughout my day.....warm hugs. Leyla xx
ReplyDeleteDear Sweet Lana :'( ....You are braver than you think, you are going to make it through whatever life throws you and your amazing husbands' way. I trust in HIM knowing what he is doing with your lives, don't loose faith, be strong and hold that husband of yours tight each and every night. Don't waste one single moment on not being with him, tell him you love him a million times a day, hug him even more and cherish every second. I pray his prognosis will be a positive one. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. xxxxxx Love you Julie
ReplyDeleteI am praying that your guardian angel swopes down and draws you close to her to find comfort and that all our prayers will have the healing power of our creator. All will be well Lana, you will see!
ReplyDeleteLana,
ReplyDeleteMy aunt had throat cancer and had to have radiation to her throat. It was a difficult treatment, but she was a tough lady and after all was said and done, she lived many years of a good life after that. She had to always have her water bottle with her and was prone to yeast infections in her throat, but she always had a medication on hand for that. She was in the late stages of cancer also. I work for a pathologist and we have a cancer center affiliated with our hospital. There are many good doctors and treatments now available. I am not trying to sugar coat a diagnosis of cancer, but want to encourage you. The very best gift anyone can give is the gift of prayer, and the support of family and friends is must. A big hug to you and your husband. And... you have another prayer warrior.
Linda in GA.
P.S. I am astounded at the insensitive people in the world. I pity them as they have to be the most miserable people. I know you have more important things to worry about, but I would find out who runs the place and let them know about how you were treated. Believe me it works, at least it does in the organization where I work. We try to treat our patients with respect. Being rude is never a good thing, but I think it is so uncalled for in a health care setting.
ReplyDeleteLinda in GA
Lana, I have been checking back daily to see how things are going and if there are any updates from you. You have been in my thoughts and I hope for the best for you and your husband. Just think positive.. as hard as it may be, God and the Universe answer your thoughts and prayers when you truly have the faith they will be heard and turn out how you believe they will. I am sending all the love, hugs and support to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHow the bloody hell were you suppose to be responsible for a vial of blood in a sealed envelope?! I know I should pray for her too, but I could just slap the "bitch" off that cow right now! Love yooz!
ReplyDeleteLana, It just breaks my heart that you and your husband are going through this. I will be praying for you both tomorrow and throughout this horrible ordeal. Please try your best to eat and get any rest that you can even though it's almost impossible because your hubby is going to need you. I'm so sad that you were mistreated by that technician-you shouldn't have to deal with these things alone, remember to lean on those who love you. Also, when you're feeling down, keep in mind that your women friends on YT love you very much, myself included!
ReplyDelete~xoxo Melody
Hang in there Lana. You can do this. We're all rooting (and praying) for you, your husband, and your family.
ReplyDeleteLana, you and your husband are going through so much and I cannot belive the tech treated you so cruelly. Don't they understand what people go through? I wonder how they would react if it was someone they cared about. There is no excuse in treating people like numbers or dollar signs. I agree with the other posters that you have to take care of yourself. I remember forcing myself to eat and trying to get sleep in order to repair what the stress was doing to me mentally and physically. You are such a good and decent person and I hope the next person you have to deal with treats you better. You deserve it. I will continue to say prayers for you both and I'm sending you hugs and light. Take care...
ReplyDeleteDear dear Lana, my heart is aching for you and your husband. I will pray for you and hope you hang in there girl!
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs from Amsterdam
x Julia
Sending prayers for you and your husband. Try to remember to eat somewhat properly and get as much sleep as you can because you are going to need all your physical and mental strength for your path for the next little while. Taking care of yourself will be taking care of him, too, because he needs you so much. Love you, girl.
ReplyDeleteLana, dropping the ball on the Blue-Capped Vial of Blood will NOT be your legacy ;) We can't scramble up and over a mountain ALONE and I'm so thankful for you that you have so much support from your family, friends, and even "online" friends!! My friend's hubby was diagnosed with cancer; she took to wearing a sweatshirt printed with, "Cancer Sucks." And it does. I'm still in prayer for you and your hubby!!
ReplyDeleteDear Lana,
ReplyDeleteI had my own worst nightmare, medical scare 7 years ago. I am still alive today because of all the prayers, well wishes, love, good vibrations so many people (many of them I didn't even know) sent my way during my 11 hours of surgery.
You see all these people pulling for you and your husband?
Trust me, it works. It will get you and him through this nightmare.
We are all behind you, willing him back to health.
Dear Lana
ReplyDeleteMy brother-in-law is just going through the same thing, so you have my greatest sympathy. He was diagnosed Stage 2 throat cancer in April. By the time they decided to operate, the tumor had grown so much that they couldn't. It was really fast - just a few weeks. He had a tracheotomy (still has) and is feeding through a tube in his stomach. It all sounds horrendous but it has been OK'ish. He has just gone through 7 weeks of chemo and radio therapy - didn't lose his hair! - and got home yesterday. Much of the cancer has been killed off but there are still 3 lymph nodes apparently active. They have to wait and see what happens to them over the next few weeks and whatever will happen next. Like you, my sister has been through hell and back and is constantly asking questions of doctors, visiting the pharmacy to get more drugs, visiting hospital, doing research and getting advice and......working as well! It has taken its toll on them both and we just pray that the outcome will be good and it will all have been worth it. That's all you can do. Be strong and, above all, be positive! Make sure that you eat and sleep and keep fit and well - you're the one who has to do battle for your husband, to make sure he gets the best treatment and care possible. You're not alone.
Lana, words can't express my sorrow for what you and your husband must be going through. Reading of your ordeal bring tears to my eyes. You have been such an inspiration to me. You and your husband will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLana, you left me in tears with your last video and reading the entries breaks my heart. I am praying for you and your husband--stay strong and do not give up!
ReplyDeleteAre You Still a Flight Attendant Like Before? If So Then Please show Us your Up to Date Uniform as a Flight Attendant on You Tube. But Only If It is a Skirt & Nylons Uniform & No Trousers. & Thanks!
ReplyDelete