Friday, June 24, 2011

The Word For Today: Bleak

Today is Friday. 
I used to love Fridays. Fridays were days my husband and I would end our busy hectic week and have a "Date."
Date Night.
Fun dates for old farts?

We would get dressed up in our best. 
Pretty dresses with sparkles and sequins. 
High heeled stilettos. 
My husband always in a suit. Two people in love doing a simple thing. Enjoying a lovely dinner together and connecting. Romance.
 We found a quiet romantic French restaurant about 45 minute drive from our house or if we were both away, we would make the extra effort to save Friday for each other. Our favorite French waiter. Our very own special booth. Dark and cozy.  Candlelight. 
A romantic dinner. No discussing troubles of the week~ only absorbed in each other. It was like glue. It brought us back to us and our marriage and kept it exciting.
French Bread smothered in rich creamy butter. Baked Alaskan Salmon with a Lemon Mousseline Cream Sauce. Couscous. Grilled Asparagus. Shrimp Cocktail. Creme Brule.  
(Date Night is highly recommended even to those just dating or those married for years.) It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant just time spent together.)

Today is an average Friday except....
Now my husbands throat hurts like mad.  The surgeon called me yesterday to check on him and told me he had to cut and used forceps during the biopsy to remove the equivalent of a shot glass full of cancerous tissue to allow him to breath until treatments start. 
Pudding, scrambled soft eggs and milk shakes. Nothing romantic about that menu.
Today. Friday.  Right now. I am sitting in an Oncology Waiting Room while my beautiful husband is in a room away getting fitted for a Mask. 
Wait! What? A mask? 
After the Oncology Doctor told us untold horrors of what this radiation will do, he is set up with a mesh formfitting  mask to mark where the beams will go and more importantly hold his head and neck still when they clamp it to the table so the beams only go to the affected neck tumors.
Naturally, this lousy support system,  ME,  broke down and I had to race out of the room to sob into a very ugly painted hospital wall wailing and once again be a complete basket case.  I would never want me on my side in a crisis like this!  Strong? Ha! I'm pathetic.

Some of the symptoms of radiation to your neck and throat:
Severe sore throat.
Loss of hair
Loss of taste
Loss of saliva
Loss of teeth
Get a feeding PEG tube placed next week in the stomach to "eat" six to eight cans of Boost or Ensure a day. 
Loss of feeling in your mouth,  tongue and throat.
No shaving. (I used to love to watch my husband shave. It is such a manly ritual.)

No After-Shave. (I love to see and smell his face with Old Spice or whatever the cologne of the day is. Real men smell good)
No lotions, sprays or any other products anywhere near the head or neck to avoid extreme skin reactions. 
All of this five days a week for 7 to 8 weeks. Treatment to begin in a week or so after a trip to MD Anderson in Huston for a second opinion.
I don't paint a pretty picture, huh? The word for today is Bleak.
Well, this is just Radiation Oncology.... Monday is Chemotherapy Oncology. 
That's where the bad really begins...
I need to get my Big Girl Panties on and be ready for Monday.  Chemo is no joke either.
Watching someone you love and to see and know how bleak the future looks in regards to THEIR pain and suffering, is as difficult as it gets. My very heart is breaking.
If I could in ANY way take this cancer and it's difficult treatment and do all of this for him, I would jump at the chance.

Where ARE my Big Girl Panties anyway????


  1. Praying for you and your Husband. Remember you are his pillar..
    Hugs, DeDe

  2. Lana...I am so sorry. I wish I had some magical words to take it all away. I would banish this horrible sickness and fill your life full of Fridays. The words I do have are: I love you, I will pray for you and I, along with the rest of your YT family, will support you and your husband throughout this hellacious experience. We're here.

  3. Lana, love.. I am thinking of you so much. I know lots of people are too. You're surrounded by love, and positive energy, and that , I hope, will give you some of the strength you so need. A big warm hug, xxx♥, Karine

  4. Lana, I think you have on your big girl panties already. You are doing everything you can do, you are doing everything right. So you breakdown a couple of times. All that is is letting the pressure off, just like on a pressure cooker, that little thing on top has to jiggle to let the pressure off so it doesn't blow up. If you breakdown and cry its just keeping you from blowing up. Let that pressure go from time to time, its just going to make you stronger and get you through. Its going to be a long, hard road take those pit stops whenever you can. I have so much sorrow for what you are both going through that I can't even express it. I wish I could shake a big etch a sketch and make it all erase but I can't. All I can do is tell you that I love you and miss you and will always be a phone call away if you need it. So Lana, wear those big girl panties and don't forget to wash them now and then LOL Peg~

  5. Lana, I think you are already doing everything possible to do. You are getting second opinions and doing what is best for your husband. You are taking care of him and he knows and loves you for it. He knows you're scared, even though you don't cry in front of him, he knows. You, dear sweet lady, yes you, give him the strength to beat this thing. That's what you do for him. You ARE strong and you have all of us helping you to be strong because we are with you 100%. We are part of your support system and part of your husband's. Always remember that someone cares, very much. Big Hugs!

  6. Hello,
    I met you for the first time today, trough your youtube videos. I loved you at first sight, you embrace you age, your life, I really like that.

    Then I visited you blog. I'm so sorry. Both of you will go through really hard times. But you'll make it, I'm sure. You will find your big girl pants soon, don´t worry. When our loved ones are in pain we discover strength that we never known we had.
    My mother had cancer, I watched my father become his nurse, strong. I found myself not the spoiled only child, but the grown up I was supposed to be. Where did that strength came from? I think it came from love. So, you see, you'll have the prettiest, strongest big girl pants. :)
    I´ll be praying for you both.

  7. ~* Lots of Hugs *~
    You just keep on being as strong as you can be and that's all you can do. Your a tough cookie Lana! Even tough cookies crumble a little every now and then, and that's okay. All your Hubby needs to know is that you love him to no end, and you are there to support his ass off while he gets rid of this!

    Love ya <3
    Melanie (Melzaelf)

  8. hy Lana, still Lisa from Italy, you are doing your best, stay near your husband, and NEVER GIVE UP. I have cancer in 2008 and i repeat to myself every day of radiotherapy and chemiotherapy ?NEVER GIVE UP. I've done MY BEST and my mother done the same for me.
    So stay strong and live day x day thinking this is a moment that will end WELL. therapy is a path required for healing and side effects will pass with time. hug both.

  9. oh gee-sh lana- it admazing what we can survive an come back from- our bodies fight like hell to heal-this is hard-i know when i held my son when he little- he had internal bleeding nobody knew where it was comming from- i felt his bony body in my arms- inner strength comes from nowhere when you need it- then when you can just cry it out!! melt if you have to- i think you need to get out of your body some how- i am thinking of you- hoping and praying this ends the way we want- love you take care- lots of love shelly (magicadespell56)

  10. It's okay to cry and break down sometimes. I'm praying you get through this as painlessly as possible.

  11. Okay Girlie Girl,
    You would have to be superhuman not to cry. You cry if you want to. Keep negative people and negative thoughts away. Concentrate on your mission (taking care of your husband)and do it to the best of your ability. Research and educate yourself about his cancer to learn what is best for your husband. The more you know, the better decisions you can make. Knowledge is power, even if what you learn is scary. Your web support group is here. You have made me laugh, given me great beauty tips (I use the toothbrush on my face and it works). Now, I am going to pray for peace and healing for you and your husband. Get as many good hugs as possible. Hugging is good medicine.

  12. Lana, you are NOT pathetic! And please stop insulting yourself, by the way, lol. You ARE strong! Because a strong person, feels pain, and stands by their loved ones when they are going through hell. Weak people, just walk away, and after working on an oncology unit for 5 years, I saw that happen more often than you can imagine. Some people cannot deal with that no matter what, but I don't see you walking away, I see you there, with him, doing the best you can without going crazy and most importantly, being there for and supporting your husband. Pathetic?? Not at all. Heroic?? Yes indeed, and that includes your husband. Tell him Bridget said she is sending him a superman cape from Texas to wear during all this treatments, so he can feel like the superhero he is!!! Love you both and you are in my daily prayers, Bridget (vividsmile1)

  13. Darling Lana, you are both going through hell right now, but you are the angel whose face he wants to see every day. I KNOW you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, but noone could be in your place & love someone so much and not be scared or sad. No real human. I believe in my heart & will pray for you that you have many more precious traditions and memories to make when your beloved husband makes it through this. I am very sorry for both of you, but I am so glad that he is going to get the treatment he needs. Hang in there, cry when you need to, let your friends give you lots of hugs and *their* smiles; try to take it easy on yourself. Your husband is very proud, I am sure, of his beautiful, loving wife! I know I'm proud to call you a friend- LOVE you xoxoxoxo ~Patti

  14. I know I keep saying this, but Oh My God. This should not be happening. I'm so upset for you. love you... Me...

  15. Lana, I've been trying to find the right words all day. Coming on your blog and feeling inadequate to put down something that will bring you peace and comfort. But then I realized that I can't find the perfect words because there aren't any. Just know that I'm thinking of you and your husband and saying prayers to help you both through this time. Thank you for sharing this with all of us and just know we love you and are thinking of you!
    Charlene (5995char)

  16. Lana, sending so much love and so many prayers to your husband, and your family. Keep strong and keep faith.

  17. Lana, excuse this for being a lost post, but please know you are not alone. When Dad went through Chemo, he lost all of his hair. When he was done with it, it came back fuller and more beautiful than ever! He went back to his daily routine: mall walking, working in the yard, etc. My mother had a feeding tube in her stomach at one point and it kept her alive. It wasn't pretty, but it kept her with me. As an only child, I was used to having things done for me. My Mom and Dad were everything to me. They were with me when those around me we cruel and terrible. When they both got sick, I had to put on my "big girl panties" and grow up. I never imagined myself in that position, but Lana, you will do what you have to do. For yourself and your husband. You are stronger than you know and you will survive and thrive. Both of you will. Chemo and radiation are a mess to go through, but, please remember, nothing lasts forever. (I used to tell myself when I had to go to the dentist.) I used to come home and hold my cat and cry until his fur was soaked. And he let me. I remember once, he put his paw on my face. Like he knew. Cry if you have to and don't care what anyone thinks, Lana. Remember to take care of yourself: eat, sleep, buy yourself a tube of lipstick to make yourself feel better if you have to. What you are going through is a nightmare. I know. But Lana, if I can get through it, anyone can. You have all of us praying to God for the both of you (and don't forget St. Anthony and St. Jude....they were my angels). I am sending you hugs, light and prayers. Take care and God Bless You.

  18. They are right there, honey! You just need to pull them up, and you WILL! You are going to be fine with all the strength we're all sending to you, you will the rock that he needs you to be right now, I am sure of it! And when the time comes that you just can't stop yourself from sobbing, you will do what you did today and go into the hall....

    Oh, Lana. My heart is broken for you and your lovely husband...This is something I would not wish on my worst enemy....I've even shed tears over this, if you didn't we would be very worried about you! You can't keep everything inside without doing serious damage, so you cry when you need to, ok?? PROMISE me!!

    Sending MORE love and hugs and prayers your way, please do share them with your hubby!!


  19. Prayers are going up for you both. I wish there was something I could say to give you some relief for only a moment. Big hugs to you, girlfriend. Take care of yourself... make yourself eat correctly and get as much rest as you can. Let people help you.
    Love you, Vicky

  20. Keep your head up beautiful !
    I will pray for your husband (:

    You are so sweet and kind. I wish I could give you a big hug right now !

  21. Dearest Lana,
    You don't have to be strong all by yourself, just know that so many of us are out there praying for your sweet husband and whenever you hear that little ring on your phone--think of it as one of us sending you a hug wrapped with a little bit of strength to help you get through the next hour. Try not to think to far in advance or you will get overwhelmed and let others do things for you. Just be there for your husband, your presence alone is doing more for him than you could even realize.
    Much love, Melody
    PS. My 11 yr old daughter is praying for your husband and she has powerful prayers! (I had to share this with her because I was so upset)

  22. Dear sweet Lana, I know it must be the hardest thing in the world...literally. I cry for you and I can feel your pain in your words. I am praying so incredibly hard for you and your dear husband. You are not alone in this, Lana. We are all here for you, you are doing an amazing job given the circumstances. I am getting many other people to pray for your husband as well. Do what you need to do...have a good cry, let out a scream, punch a pillow...let it out. I think about you everyday and I pray for a miracle.

    *hugs to you and your hubby*

  23. Everything you said was true. Cancer is horrible, radiation is horrible, and chemo is the most horrible of all. But it is possible to get through it to the other side. I am here today because of all of that horrible stuff. Hold onto your hope. You can both get through this, more thankful than ever for the beautiful life you have been given. Good luck!

  24. Lana,

    I think it is good and healthy to cry and show emotion. My family has dealt with a lot of sickness and I think sometimes we were "too strong" in the face of the suffering loved one. When we are all busy keeping a stiff upper lip, the patient feels obligated to put up a brave front. My father didn't survive his leukemia battle (age 54) and if I could go back and relive the whole thing, I think I would cry with and in front of him. We were all so busy "being strong" for each other that so much was never said.

    You get through this in what ever way you need to. Just being there with him is the most important part. Focus on today, hold his hand, cry. There is no "right way" to deal with critical illness.

    There are many prayers going out for you from all over the world. Try to breathe, cry and take some breaks. Keep your loved ones around. It helps. Don't try too hard to be the strong one. I have been in your shoes too many times and it breaks my heart to think of all you have to deal with. Let's just go ahead and say it:


    Much love,
    Kathy in Nashville

  25. Lana~
    Still holding you close!

  26. Praying so hard for you, your husband and your family!!! I know this is the absolute hardest thing that you will ever have to get through but God is Good!!! Focus on HIM...He will carry you through this!!

  27. What everyone said is true, you are strong because you have to be, there is no shame or dishonor in crying, it is actually good for you and listen to Anonymous's advice, she's right. You know how to get a hold of me if you need too. And on a little lighter side, you can share the Ensure. Sometimes, back in the day, if we ended up working a double, and didn't bring any food for dinner, We would pop open a can of the eggnog, or black walnut, it was delicious, just had a high calorie count. So maybe as way of encouraging your husband, when he gets his PEG feeding, just pop open a can for yourself and poor it in a pretty glass, this might sound crazy, but it can really go a long way toward minimizing the isolation he may be feeling. I've got lots of "crazy nursing" tips, I'm praying for y'all daily, and I check here several times a day just to see if there are any updates. You have helped me so much, I wish I could help you in some small way.

    Much love from a Florida possum, stuck in Canada.


  28. Just to minimize confusion, floridapossum (Twitter name)=possumgator (youtube)= Pam Briar (real name)= Pam Wilcox (maiden name and what I publish under,Face Book). If you see any of these names, I'm just one person. Sorry for any confusion, but sometimes I forget what I'm logged in under.

  29. Lana
    I have enjoyed your videos but have never commented.. I am now to let you know about 12 yrs ago my best friend called me crying with the same story about her husband as you have described, a tumor that popped up and was growing hourly.. he was fitted for the same mask and his situation sound exactly the same.. he is today doing great, he is back at work and the only side effect he was left with was a problem with salavia and some dental work.. as I said this was 12 yrs ago..they are more advanced now than at that time I'm sure.. he was given very little chance but no one knows our chances but God and he is a good one to be in wishes to you both..

  30. Dearest Lana,

    You are going through probably the worst event of your life but you are fighting like a warrior for your husband, with your husband and to break down and cry is human and perfectly understandable and acceptable - you are not a basket case! You are an adoring wife who feels terrified, angry, sad, confused....breaking down sweetheart is how you get rid of the pent up emotion and thank God you do because it's healthier Lana. I am praying for you both from the depths of my heart and soul Lana. I'm praying for your continued inner strength and for your husband to make a full recovery please God and give you two adorable people lots and more Fridays. Warm hugs and a whole truck full of love...Leyla xx

  31. Lana,
    so many people are on your side and we're all rooting for your husband and for you...miracles do happen! Please get a copy of the book The Secret, or listen to the audio CD's of the book. Focus on the section on healing and health...your husband can take his power back and take a part in his healing. Also, there's the book by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Thinking. When you're going through these bleak times, reading some positive messages can help lift you up and help you stay strong. Your husband is going to be fine, and you will be fine as well. Miracles happen every day, and you and your husband are good people. No one better than the two of you to receive a miracle. Take care, remember to take a deep breath when all seems lost, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. God will be there to see you through this, and reading one or both of the books mentioned above can help you with your journey through this nightmare. We love you and we're sending good thoughts your way and prayers to the Man upstairs. God bless. Gillta1

  32. Lana you need to cry, as I sit here with tears from reading this. Praying that it has not spread and that you all stay strong. -Tammi Marie

  33. Sending you good thoughts, prayers and love.xoxoxox (Weezie1957)

  34. Take him to MD Anderson right now. Call them today and take him tomorrow. Oh GOD Lana, read my post! My son would be dead today at 29 if not for them.







    Love to you
    cheri (one of your many subscribers on YT)

  35. I have some glimmer of hope for you! My next door neighbor just beat his second battle with cancer. The lastest one was throat cancer. He was in pain and could not eat for awhile. They did the same treatments on him like they seem to be going to do on your husband. This can be beat:) You will be in my prayers. MsLovin2010 from Youtube.

  36. Lana, i type this through teary eyes. I feel you are my friend and it makes me so sad to hear what you and the love of your life are facing. I have been to MD Anderson in Houston several times with my mother, the people there are so kind. You will literally feel the love and compassion. That was seven years ago, mom was diagnosed with a rare soft tissue cancer. Today, she is cancer free. Radiation, chemo, doctors, many. I am praying for you both and will not stop. I wanted to tell you about a website, A friend of mine created a "journal" there where friends and family could follow their journey. WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH, big hugs! xoxoxo

  37. Hi Lana, I know you are getting So many comments but if you have time or want to read some encouraging stuff please read this! I am only 16 years old but I could'ent imagine what you are going through... Me and my family have been praying for this little girl who had cancer, she is 6 years old and the story just breaks our heart. She had a tumor the size of a large grapefruit in her little 6 year old body. She got thru it! but as they were in Hawaii celebrating that she was cancer free she started feeling sick again... :(... soon to come find out the tumor was back and almost twice the size, within a few weeks that had happened. They felt struck down and in such a hard time in their life. Now, she is cancer free again and so happy! God can do AMAZING MIRACALES!!! Me and my family will keep you and expecially your husband in our deep prayers :) Stay strong and know that God can do miracals that would seem impossible. He can take those tumors right out of your husbands body in a split second! Would love if you can watch this video on the link... Hope it is encouraging to you ... Godbless, Joy :)

  38. Lana, honey, I sooo wish I could be there holding your hand and your heart. I wish i could take all this pain away for you and your husband and your children. All I can do thousands of miles away is to send you my love and prayers but oh how I wish I could do more. I love you loads Lana!

  39. Lana,
    My heart is breaking for you. I am only 14 and this breaks my heart. Probably because I can see my parents in you two. I will pray for you. You have to fight fire with fire. Remember soooo many people are thinking and praying for you!

  40. Hey Lana, this is alinder34 from youtube. Incase u don't remember, I am the one who lost my son & mother 2 years ago in a car wreck.You shouldn't feel bad about breaking down during this. Tears are ur body's way of blowing off steam. They are healing for the soul. Cry! Find some place where u are totally alone, let loose! Cry, scream, kick, shake ur fists, rage, curl up in the fetal position! Whatever u need to do. If he breaks down, hold him & cry together! It isn't a sign of weakness! Tears are ur friend!
    I so wish I could reach my hand in & take this from ur husband to make him well again. I wish I could take the pain from u. I would do anything to ease ur pain & his.
    I am in Tennesse, so I can't offer to cook, clean, dog sit or anything like that, but I offer my shoulders, my ears, & my experience. Call, text, message me. I understand & I am here.

  41. Just saw your youtube video about your husband :-(

    I'm so sorry to hear you're family is going through this Lana. I'll be thinking about you both and praying for everything to be better soon.

    If Michael Douglas can beat his cancer your husband can too!!! I know it!

    Think positively, in with light!

    xxx Paula

  42. Sending you strength and hope. Have faith dear Lana, stay strong and healthy, your husband will need you. Love to you and your family.


  43. Lana... words cannot express how sorry I am.... know that there are so many people out there crying with you and praying as hard as we can!!! Much love, Ria

  44. Lana, I am truely saddened to hear about what has been going on. I have been wondering why you haven't posted any new videos lately and today I found out. You are a strong woman and your husband is incredibly brave. My prayers are with you, your husband, and your family and friends. I send all my angels to comfort both you and him during this difficult time. Stay positive and never lose faith.

  45. We'll pray for both of you. Lana, you and your husband will survive this.Although we are million miles away from you in Russia our prayers will be with you.

  46. Ciao Lana,
    I am very happy to read your posts here, but wishing that it was better news. Just wish that I was there to give you more support and put my arms around you and give you a big hug.
    My prayers and thoughts are with you and your husband...
    Just a thought.. Have you ever read the book called "The China Study" by Dr. T. Colin Campbell? Reading this has made me make some changes in my life... also with those changes... I have been getting better. (without saying a lot here, but feeling a lot better)
    Lana... Don't give up... stay strong, stay positive, and don't lose your faith!!

    Keeping my prayers up for you and your husband!!

    Hugs & Kisses

  47. I'm a Lana fan who is standing with all your friends here, lifting your husband up in healing prayer. I'm also a therapist who specializes in medical issues and their impact on patients and families. Lana, you ARE strong. Keep loving him, keeping talking, cry when you need to. Let others help if you can. I have some articles that might help ( and if you need resources from a RL shrink, just ask. Make sure you are satisfied and informed by your medical team every step of the way. They may have counselors on staff and if you think that might help you cope, spend an hour with one.
    You are hurting so deeply because you love so deeply. This has to be terrifying for you both. Hang in there, girl. Hugs, Tammy

  48. Baby, we are all praying for you. Hold it together when you have to, then let it out when you can. No use pretending, right? You will get through each day by allowing yourself to feel what you need to. Take advantage of any spiritual help the hospital chaplain system can give you, or your own family pastor. Gives you something bigger to hold onto. Love you Lana. Praying.....Renee

  49. Lana, my heart goes out to you and what you're dealing with. My prayers are with you, your husband and your family. It's horrible watching someone you love go through cancer treatment, I've been there myself. Keep posting to your blog and don't worry about anything. It'll be cathartic for you.

    Sending hugs your way, Lulu

  50. "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Psalm 118:17

    Lana, this scripture is a declaritive statement. When you and your husband, children, etc. say this outloud, you are declaring the win over disease and death. You are promising to not only win the battle, but promising to declare that God has brought you through when you have. This is such an important thing to do right now, have your husband declare this from his mouth, even daily if you and he want to. Tell death and this disease that you have simply chosen to live and let it be so! Amen!
    Lana, I'm lovelylouro from Youtube, and I know I do not know you personally, but I will be praying with you for your husband's healing. Hang in there, he couldn't possibly have anyone better by his side.
    -Angie (Texas)

  51. Hi Lana, So sorry to hear all of this. I know you are a very strong woman and you can and will get through this. Recently, my sister and brother in law have been battling cancer together. I speak with her everyday and truly I think their answer is taking each day and each challenge slowly. When you look at the enormity of everything, I am sure that is overwhelming. Take each treatment day by day and say at the end of day, what you accomplished. You and your husband can beat this-I am sure of this. Be well.

  52. Thank God that you and Henery have the connections. This is everything in treatment. Praying for the both of you.

  53. Lana,
    I just LOVE your happy Stories..Henry and the Goat, I just snickerd out loud! The way you write is like reading a book. If I could only be half as creative as you. I would write a book...all jokes aside.. I will continue to Pray for you and your Amazing husband.I to lit a candle and said a prayer. Love you lots .I'm giving you both the biggest hug I can via internet ((((HUGZZ)))I wished I could do it in person. Hang in there Love..~Angie~

  54. If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up) you need to watch this video
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