Monday, November 3, 2014

Was My Husband Cheating?

My darling husband died in June. Almost every week someone would leave a red or pink rose on his grave. Once the absolute numbness of losing him wore off and I began to take notice of the things around me, I began asking family and friends if THEY had left a rose. Always the same answer…. No.
It continued. 
Late summer, Fall and even the dead of winter. Every time I went to visit and grieve for my husband, a rose was there. It truly began to make me feel upset and uncomfortable. My husband's grave was all I had of him. That and our precious memories. Why would someone intrude on that?
Time passed. Life went on. Days came and went. The grief was always there waiting to bubble up at a song, a smell or a memory. 

3 Months later, I had posted a blog about my sadness and grief. 
It was less than 4 days later I got this note in the mail:

Lana
I stumbled across your website a couple of years ago.
Your videos and blog actually made me throw up in my mouth!
Nobody cares what you wore to the funeral. You are a Martyr widow. Nobody cares that you wore black gloves. But, really, my dear, long black gloves in 90 degree weather? A big fine from The Fashion Police. You are not a movie star or royalty so come down off your high horse. Your story about the "five dots" just makes you delusional. You and your DEAD husband had seperate lives. At least HENRY did, if you get what I mean.
Personally, you are Trailer Trash and the perfect example of how money can't buy you class.
Henry deserved better.

I was shocked, hurt and stunned. 
What kind of woman writes a note like that just to hurt? I have always been an advocate and strong supporter of women. 
Writing a note to criticize what I wore to put my husband in the ground for eternity? Why would she even care? 
Was my husband cheating on me? 
I didn't ever feel that he was. We were happy together and in love.
I never had that "gut" feeling. We were together almost constantly.
Even if he was cheating on me,  what she was doing was nothing more than mean and so cruel!
I had no proof. I had no peace.
I began to suspect everyone! Stranger's that smiled at me in the grocery store. People I didn't know that added me on FaceBook. 
Even friends. I felt as though I was in a bubble and just the slightest thing could burst it and I would disappear completely. 
I had to know. My close friends volunteered to go stake out the cemetery. All I wanted was a name. A face.


The roses continued.
I placed our wedding picture in a beautiful frame and had it waterproofed and placed it lovingly at his tombstone.
Our Wedding….A happier time and place.  
The picture disappeared.
Still the roses came.
I went to winter at my Florida home in the sunshine. Henry never far from my heart and mind.
I returned. More fresh roses lying on my husbands grave in the sweet smell of newly cut grass and Indiana sunshine.

In late June this year, I decided to hell with my humiliation. What did it matter anyway? Isn't catching and exposing this person more important  than feeling embarrassed and humiliated? I was hurt enough. Nothing he/she could ever do could hurt as much as losing my sweet Henry so I began asking friends what they would do? I also posted a YouTube video explaining it all.

After a lengthy discussion my good friend Kevin told me to place a deer camera on a tree in the cemetery to catch whoever it was. 
A what?
I never knew they had such a thing…..
He helped me choose one and place it in the proper place near my husband's grave.
More later……





Saturday, February 22, 2014

My Dating Horror Stories

Dating after a loved ones death…. Sigh.

My darling husband passed away 18 months ago. 

My closest friends and family recommended I start dating again. 
I was back working again. I slowly found that laughing was not going to make the world end.  But dating?

Oh my. 

How does one do that after the love of their life has died and taken all of those feelings with them? Deep loving feelings buried away in a dark and silent tomb under ground for ever more.
Impossible.

Loneliness.
I never knew lonely until he left me.
I didn't even recognize the feeling of lonely. One of my best friends pointed out to me what was so wrong in my life.

"You're lonely!" She exclaimed to me one day after I had finished crying on her shoulder. 
Lonely? Me? I have never been lonely a day in my life! 
I am a people person. I am always surrounded by those that love and care for me. 
Wait… Could that be what this horrible feeling inside of me is? 
Loneliness?

She was right. I always had my kids and friends and lovely people with me. Surrounding me. But now?

 Now at night, alone in the dark at 2:00 a.m. the long sleepless nights dragging on. One minute seems like an hour. 
Tick tock. The clock seeming to echo my thoughts. 
Tick~ Alone.
                      Tock~Alone.
Tick ~Alone.

Finally, at 4 a.m. I usually give up and brew coffee. Check in online to not feel so interminably alone.

My sweet friends tried what they could to help.

Oh? An invite to dinner at your house Friday night, Lisa?

I'd love to! What can I bring?

I show up on time and hungry….

Lisa, her sweet husband, another couple that I know are there and I am told where to sit. One empty chair to my right. 
Doorbell rings.
A distinguished gentleman comes thru the door. Introductions are made. We all gather back at the table and sit down. 
Two bites into my salad and I finally have a "light-bulb" moment and realize…. This is a Blind-date and I have been set up!
Ugh.
Not ready. 
As sweet and handsome as he is… I can't.
I drive home in tears and shaken.

"Please Lisa, don't do that again. I almost peed myself in shame when I realized your little plan.

 I'm just not ready."

Will I ever be ready?

Will any man ever be able to take Henry's place in my heart?
Will I ever be able to love and laugh again?

Two months pass.

I am in Florida.
I meet a very good looking man and we chat. He seems lovely. Kind and thoughtful. Fun and attentive.
He casually asks me to dinner for the following Saturday night at a popular restaurant in Tampa.

I have a split second to respond.
"Ok, that sounds nice. I will meet you there. 7:00?"

"Well, I will have to book a room in Tampa since I am from St. Petersburg and have had a DUI. I don't want to drink and drive so I will spend the night in Tampa."


Since this is his issue, I casually agree. 

"Ok, sounds great!" I say with a slight lift in my voice. 
Give the guy a chance… Make it fun. He's CUTE!
What do I have to lose?

Saturday night.

I dress carefully in a cute ruffled skirt and blouse. 
Not too over-done. Just keeping it light and fun.

Just as I arrive in the parking lot of the restaurant, I get a text that he is there. 

I see him approach my car. He hugs me as I exit my car and grabs my hand as we walk in the door. It's dim and romantic.  Soft music is playing.
It's been so long since I have dated that I don't really know what to expect.
He seems to know exactly what to do. 
He orders wine and appetizers. Our food and drinks arrive and between laughing and talking, we seem to be enjoying the evening. 


The server brings the bill to the table. It lays there in front of him. 


My date grabs my hand and looks into my eyes.
"Lana, I want to take you out on the town dancing. We will cut this town up tonight."
I stare back at him. That sounds fun.

I slowly nod my head yes. Dancing. 
How long had it been since I went dancing. Swaying to the beat of the music. Having a mans arm around me in the darkened room even on a crowded dance floor. 
It sounded nice.

"Ok." He says, "We will go dancing but first I want to take you back to my hotel room."

Wait. What?
Back to his hotel room?
Hell No!

I shake my head no. I see the anger rise up from his throat to his eyes.  A tiny vein has popped up on his forehead and seems to be growing. He is angry!

"Hey, I told you I had to get a room here because I don't want to drive back to St. Pete after I have been drinking. 
I told you!
I paid for a room and we are going back there and I am taking you to my bed. I paid for a room!" His voice seems to rise loudly in the crowded room.

I reply in a soft voice.
"I am not going to go to your room. I met you here to have dinner with you. Nothing more. This is a first date."
One of my favorite quotes enters my foggy brain.
(If you don't stand up for something… You'll lay down for anything.) I am standing firm on this one.

Am I so out of touch that the rules have all changed? I didn't even kiss on a first date. Sleep with him after one date? No way!

"You're going to sit there and not  change your mind and come back to the hotel with me? After I PAID for a room?"

"No."

He stands up abruptly. His chair slides loudly across the floor as he pushes away from the table.
 He puts one finger on the bill and slowly slides it over to me
"Then YOU get to pay for THIS!" He says with an ugly sneer as he walks away from the table and out the door of the restaurant.

I sit there alone at the table with my mouth wide open. Shocked. 
I paid that bill. Gladly.
It was the best $100.00 I ever spent!
I never saw this creep again but hopefully learned something from this date.
Not sure yet what but each day is a learning experience.
sigh.
More later….