Now that we have done what we were ordered to do by the powers that be, our doctor, we sit and we wait. Why am I adding myself to this equation? Because I can. When a loved one gets sick, it effects everyone not just the ill one so I suppose I'm allowed to say I am a part of it all even tho I don't want to be. I am on the outside looking in. blah blah blah.
The doctor ordered CT Scans and blood work and clinical exams but we have been at this almost a week now and do we know what is going on any more than we did on Day 1 ? NO!
As women, we are programmed to fix things. Fight the things that hurt those we love.
What am I fighting here?
I haven't got a clue! That is the worst, most helpless feeling ever! I have my sleeves rolled up, my fierce fighting face on and here I sit....
I cancelled my entire life not knowing what to do next.
I had a court case today at 2:00 but was in the doctor's office. Again. I was to fly to Tampa yesterday but was too worried to leave. My husband says he wants to buy me a new car. Am I excited by that? No. We have a wedding to go to on Saturday. Do we go? Do we kick up our heels and dance and try to ignore this big black elephant that is sitting on top of us?
I see this dark black hole in our lives and it is called our FUTURE? Am I being dramatic? Probably.
Everything. I mean every little thing is riding on the outcome of these tests.
Family, friends, the people that are a part of our lives want answers. How is he? What do the doctors say?
He's ..... I'll be damned if I know.
The lumps on his neck are growing. What was once 3 lumps is now 5 lumps. What was once the size of a lime is now the size of a larger lime. The bloody noses have all but stopped. He still coughs up small amounts of blood but it's not as scary as it used to be. His voice is getting worse and his difficulty swallowing is an issue that is getting more to be concerned about daily and what are we doing about it?
NOTHING!!!!!
I want to cuss and poke someone right in the nose!
Ok, deep breath.
The weekend is coming and what will we do about it? Again, nothing. Get up each day and do what we have been doing.
Here is my husbands quote of the week.
"Life's journey is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting
"Holy Shit!... What a Ride!"
I like his style and told him, "Let's fly to Pompeii. Let's spend the next 3 days in Australia.
Let's go do something really crazy."
Where is he right now? Back at work. At his desk putting out fires and solving problems.
I want to make a video. Yeah, one about how I do my hair.
It seems so lame so I won't.
I know how hopeless you feel. I hope you get some news soon. The waiting is maddening! And it truly does affect you as much as it does him. Still praying sweetie!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh Lana I am SO sorry you both have to go through this. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you wake up in the morning and it doesn't go away all day. That feeling is the worst feeling in the world. Theres nothing anyone can do to make it go away but please try to be positive atleast untill you know the results of the tests. Take it one day at a time, you WILL overcome this, it will make your stronger and put your priorites in place. It will change you as a person. Be strong, and let us know how your husband is doing. <333
ReplyDeleteLana ..Waiting is such a hard part . Here we set ready to start fighting but yet we don't know WHAT....You would think that with all the new medicine and technology they could move things along a little faster ...but then that is just us ...the people waiting to be told what is wrong ...a minute seems like an hour ...hours seem like days ....I know you will be strong when the time comes but sweetie please remember it is okay to cry or just go in your room and scream ..it is all okay. You have so many people that love you and that are sending love and prayers to you ...but I know that doesn't give you what you need/want ..You want answers and a plan ....I am here if you need me ..please remember that. I love you dearly ...Susie ~
ReplyDeleteOh Lana, I wish I had the right words to say to make it all better but I dont, stay strong girlfriend, your husband is a strong man as you are so just stay optimistic. We love you.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn.
Dear Lana, sometimes you just don't get to do anything -you have to let God do his work,so to speak. Your presence alone is enough for him, I speak from my own "waiting" experience. I will pray for you with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy Sweet Dear Lana, I am just now hearing of this I don't know if this is the first time you have posted about it but this is the first I am hearing of it. My heart was breaking for you as I was reading your blog post, I can't even imagine what you are both going through right now, your husbands quote is one that we all should live by and it is obvious by that statement he is a fighter and we all know you are as well, you have fought your whole life for one thing or another with the power of Prayer and your strong will God WILL see you both through this. My thoughts and Prayers are with you and your husband... you know Matt is my best friend I can't even think about losing him without breaking into tears so my heart breaks for you as you wait to hear the news. If you need anything at all let me know.. I'm here.
ReplyDeleteAll my love,
Victoria~
Lana, like all those that have commented above me, I have no magical words other than I'm praying for you guys. I've been on your husband's side of the fence and yes, the waiting is the absolute worst. Your mind goes in all the wrong places. You sabotage yourself by looking up symptoms on the internet - which all lead to a horrible outcome, even if it's just the common cold. You think and think and think. 'What if' are two of the most powerful (and scary) words in the english lang. A sigh of relief is the best feeling in the world. I'm praying for a sigh of relief soon - for you, your husband and your whole family. We're here for you...always.
ReplyDeleteWaiting and not knowing is the worst part, I know :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you huge hugs, stay strong and keep that fight going - I can't say how much I admire your courage.
My prayers and thoughts are with you, your hubby and and your loved ones xx
I hope you find out whats going on soon, so you can fight it like hell and kick it to the curb!
ReplyDeleteYou & your man will continue to be in my prayers. Again I will let Jersey know to pray too! Can dogs pray?? ;) I am sure they can!
XOXOXOX
Keep being strong Gorgeous!
Elf
I wish only the best for you and your husband and I am sending all the good energy I can muster your way! I hate it when life sucks! But if it didn't it wouldn't be life. Remember how much you are loved and that all of us are praying for the best outcome for your husband....Cancer sucks, I went through breast cancer with my Mom and it wasn't easy, but we did it!
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs to you!
Lana, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now, and it is hell. No getting around that. I went through a serious illness 5 years ago, and I won't bore you with the details but I was on the opposite side than you are now. I was the sick one, and it was terrible to see my loved ones standing by, in pain and helpless to help me. And there was nothing I could do to help them either. All we could do was wait. And pray. I asked my Dad how he got through it, and this amazing man, who had fought in two wars told me that he just believed with all his heart that I would get better, and he never lost that belief that I would recover, no matter how sick I got or how black the doctors painted it. He told me that he had to have faith that God has a plan, and that we must trust that plan, no matter the outcome. My Dad said it was hard to wait and do nothing, but that his faith helped him bear it. Luckily for me I did recover, and I can certainly tell you that it sure changed my perspective on life. I know it is hard to go through this but just take all of your fear and anger and channel it into prayer and faith. Let go and accept what is going to happen, good or bad, and save your energy for the fight back to health, once the worst is over. I know that sounds like a crock of shit, but I think it is useless to torture yourself, when you need to be strong and positive for the person who is ill. If you want to be helpful to the situation now, you can always research the illness on the web, to be better informed. Just don't let it scare you more than you already are. It is just to give you more info about the disease. I hope some of this helped and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteLana, I am sure you know it as well as your husband that you are a strong special lady that can deal with problems. You are very much like me who wants answers to EVERYTHING all the time if possible. It is horrible to wait and wait not knowing, but you are both breathing and as one song says live like you are dying... you must/should carry on cause what else is there?
ReplyDeleteDear Lord,
ReplyDeleteYou know Lana's Husband so much better than I do. You know his sickness and the burden he carries. You also know his heart. Lord, I ask you to be with him now as you work in his life.
Lord, I pray for Lana's Husband just as your Word tells me to pray, for healing. I believe you hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of your promise. I have faith in you, Lord, to heal my friend's husband, but I also trust in the plan you have for his life.
Lord, I don't always understand your ways. I don't know why Lana's husband has to suffer, but I trust you. I ask that you look with mercy and grace toward my friend. Nourish his spirit and soul in this time of suffering and comfort him with your presence.
Let Lana and her husband know you are there with them through this difficulty. Give them strength. And may you, through this difficulty, be glorified in their lives and also in mine.
Amen.
Lana, I have been where you are right now. With my Dad. He had lung cancer and the waiting was awful. I hope your husband has a caring and compassionate doctor as my father did not. He was treated like a number or a dollar sign. That's what hurt the most. Dad was a good man who deserved better. If you have to, get a second opinion. Don't put blind faith in one doctor if something seems off. I like your husband's attitude. It will take him far, believe me. Stay strong, know that we are all here for you. I will continue to say prayers for you and know that you are the closest thing to an angel your husband has at this point. (You look like one, too!) Please take care of yourself as well. Put on your makeup, girl and keep your head up. Eat, get enough sleep/rest and talk to your family and friends. They will be there for you. And so will we. Hugs and prayers to you both.
ReplyDeleteyou will get through ths sweetheart, both of you together. in my prayers, jen xx
ReplyDeleteoh lana, im so sorry. i hope and pray that you only receive good news. thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying for you and your husband Lana, good people like you shouldn't suffer this way and waiting for results seems interminable. I pray with all my heart that you both remain strong and the results come through favourable. Please God let your wait be over soon. Heartfelt prayers for you are being said throughout my day Lana - you are very much in my heart and mind. Leyla :) xx
ReplyDeletehave trust in God.. Dont lose your faith.. Remember EVERYTHING is possible if you believe.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing imposible for God.. you just have to trust him.. and let him lead the way.
Have courage my friend (if its ok from you to call you like that..)
i wish i could give you a hug and give you strength. Everything is going to be ok. Be sure about it, and it will.
Hi Lana, hope you have gotten great news by now! Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you stay strong; wish I could do something to help. Take care of YOU too, your precious man needs you :) HUGS <3
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family and hoping you can find comfort and peace in God's grace. I will say a Novena for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteLana, I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this. You just feel like bundling him up and running somewhere far away and hiding from it all, don't you? My prayers, good thoughts and vibes are all going in your direction. Even if the results of the tests aren't all you'd like them to be, look at Michael Douglas and what he beat. Nothing is impossible because we're not in charge. Love you, girl. Vicky
ReplyDeleteMy twin brother the day before thanksgiving found out he has lyphoma stage 3. I know the fear your going through. My heart goes out to you both. My prayers go out to you both. Mircles do happen and I pray God surrounds him with his white light and protect him and he will get some good results. Love and hugs
ReplyDeleteLana i was away and even though i was on a working vacation i thought about you- i love your hubbys quote- what a man! but only a strong man could pick you as a wife! only a man with a great sence if FUN would pick you- its clear your husband is a man of adventure so maybe this is just a adventure... who said they are all good? i dont want to bla bla bla with prayers (even though i ask GOD every day to remove this from your life) i want you to know i love you and think about you- many hugs- x shelly-(magicadespell 56)
ReplyDelete