Sunday, July 31, 2011

Where did I Go?

It's Sunday.
I am usually one to go by schedules and plans and precise time lines. 
What's on the agenda today?
What is the plan for the week?
Down to the minute.
You know the drill. We all do that. I no longer know what I am doing day to day or even minute to minute. Our lives are appointments, feeding tubes and clinics, prescriptions, needles and doctors and blah blah blah.

I literally Googled: "What are our lives going to be?"
What came up was "Days of Our Lives" Soap Opera.
Where have our lives gone? I mean our real lives with plans and dreams and events. Parties. Galas.
Yesterday, I went looking for Lana. 
Where did she go?
I checked under the beds. I looked in my closet. 
Hey! I know these clothes. Chanel, Roberto Cavalli, and Jean Paul Gaultier.  Who wears them now? I certainly don't!
I am all about sweatsuits and casual shoes.
I once wrote a blog about coming back off that ledge and not falling into the trap of being a slob. 
Meet slob extraordinaire. Ha! Do I care? No. Life isn't handbags and shoes but it's love and support. Health and being there for someone that needs you so badly just to get thru the day.

One thing I know for certain... If I had this disease, I would have opted out.
Opted Out. 
I'm not that brave. I'm not that strong. 
I'm not that person to depend on anyone for so much.


We have a good friend that needs a heart/lung transplant and has 2 small children. He's 36 years old. Instead of living his life and loving his time left here on Earth, he sits and waits for those organs in a hotel near a hospital 1500 miles away from his wife and his kids.  
Waits for someone to die for him to live. A second chance.
4 months have passed and still he sits alone and waits....
That's his choice to do, but for me, I would cherish each day with my family.  That's just me. I'm a chicken.  I prefer quality over quantity and that goes with my life as well. 
Cut my days short by a year, just give me one good week to love and hold and cherish those that I love. Quality.



Friday at the Radiation Clinic I met a new friend. Maureen. She buried her husband on their 48th wedding anniversary. He had throat cancer. (My heart lurched then broke)
Why is she now in the oncology clinic? She was his caretaker for those 18 months that it took for him to die. Now 7 months later, SHE has cancer. Breast cancer. 
She was with him when he went thru radiation and chemo. Fed him thru a feeding tube. Suffered right along with him. The cancer returned. They did a total throat and neck resection and removed his jaw, tongue, teeth, larynx.. everything in the neck. Surgery. She was by his side thru it all.

Time passed. It came back once more. Returned to his bones this time. 
I didn't know this but bone cancer is the most painful of cancers and no medication can cut that pain. Morphine does nothing. She said for the last 4 months of his life, he screamed and cried, yelled and begged for pain relief for hours in a day. He slept on the hard floor to ease the pain a bit. Her words broke my heart. How did she cope? How did she manage? How did she get thru this? Just writing this down hurts me and all I was was a concerned ear to listen to her.  I can't even fathom what she did and how she did it.
This conversation was an interesting one in that several other caretakers of loved ones joined in as we waited for our significant others to be radiated
Here we were, 6 to 8 of us discussing our loved ones and how to cope. How to get them thru each day as comfortable and healthy as possible.

One beautiful young wife said something to us all that shocked me to my core but didn't seem to phase anyone else there.
She told us all "I have been stockpiling all of the pain medicine that I can. My husband never wants it after a surgery or procedure so I stash it. I have a lot. When the time comes for him to be in that condition, and I will know when that is, I will crush those pills up and "assist" him. I will crush them up and put them into his feeding tube."
WHAT?
"That's Murder!" I exclaimed loudly. No No No!
Those words were out of mouth in a nanosecond! All eyes turned to look at me. My heart dropped. What did I say? Was I wrong to say that? Isn't that murder? No way could or would I ever do that! I can't even wrap my brain around that thought.
My new friend Maureen took my hand and gently said to me "You'd be surprised what you can or will do. You would do this for your dog or cat. The suffering is worse than you can imagine. Pain pills wouldn't have helped my husband's pain but if they would have, I would have done anything. Anything. They will just know he died of Chronic Cancer."
I recoiled in horror.
I wanted to scream and run away and never look back.  I felt for that two minute conversation that I was 4 years old again and so scared.  Eyes wide. Tears streaming down my face. No one to turn to. No one to ask for advice. I can't do this anymore.
Thankfully, from the corner of my eye I see my husband slowly approaching. His treatment is over for the day.
I want to run up to him and hold on and never let him go. I'm not going to tell him about Maureen or crushed pills or any of the horror of that conversation.
 I am going to run home and look under the beds again for Lana.  She's around here somewhere, I just know it....

74 comments:

  1. lana im so sorry you have to hear these conversations. i know its hard. my mother in law says that when the time comes she will do this to herself and is hard to hear. you are not going to have to make that decision sweetheart. he is going to get better ad you are going to find yourself, put on your chanel, and appreciate everything a million times more because of what yo have been through
    jen xoxo

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  2. Lana:

    I just wrote a heart-felt comment and I lost it. Is it in cyber space?

    Anyway, what I said was you are not lost. You are right here doing what needs to be done, not only for Henry and your family, but for other readers of this blog going through what you're going through.

    I've been there and it is the hardest thing to do, but in retrospect the most wonderful thing you can do for a loved one. I feel blessed that I had the strength and opportunity to do it.

    I said in my lost comment that I wish I could give you a hug to let you know you will get through this. It's hard to believe, but you must believe.

    We're all still praying and thinking of you, Henry, your family and friends.

    Take care
    MrsSuze51

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  3. I don't even know what to say. How exhausting for you. I have kept you, Henry and Chris in my prayers. I shall now add Maureen. You know Lana, I think you being there in that room with these undeserving souls might brighten their day - if only for a moment. Much love to you and yours. ~ Kim

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  4. Lana - I thought I should clarify the phrase "do it". I meant caring for a loved one, feeding, bathing, talking, hygiene, washroom, nursing, encouraging, listening, crying/laughing with them.

    Love
    MrsSuze51

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  5. Hang in there, Lana. It does get better.
    I speak from the other side of the coin. My husband has prostate cancer, and it is in his spine, ribs, shoulder and skull. He was in excruciating pain. He is sitting beside me with a tube in his kidney laughing at a TV show, and we will be going out for supper. Life is good- today.

    Every time your mind wanders to the dark side and the horrible "what if's"- your husband in dying with great pain--switch to the bright side of "what if's" your husband sitting beside you enjoying a meal a la Michael Douglas.

    Hold on to the positive and let the negative leave you.

    Wishing you much love and stength!
    Weezie1957
    xoxo

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  6. Lana, My thoughts and prayers will remain with you and your husband. Times like this really test our strength and just when you think you can't go on, a new day dawns and so does new found strength. Remember the poem "Footprints in the Sand"? You're being carried right now and you don't even know it. You will both make it through this. We all need to learn to live more "in the moment" and slow down and smell the flowers. Sending love and good vibes your way Sweetheart!!! Colleen

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  7. Lana, you're still in there, definitely not under the bed, since you have a platform bed there isn't an "under the bed"!

    I bet you could rock a Chanel track suit with Louboutin flats! :)

    I think about you and Henry every day-keep fighting the good fight!

    All my love,
    Marnie

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  8. Caregiver job is without a doubt the hardest job. My mom always said, "it's always darkest before the dawn". I hope all of your fans and friends are giving you strength every day! I agree with Marnie, I'm sure even in a sweat suit you look glamourous! Much love, prayer and hugs.

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  9. mY hanDs are liTerally shakinG riGht Now after REAding This. Wow. You nevEr CeasE to amaZE me. This was AbsoLuteLy AMAZING. Not maNy People have the CouraGe to writE about this Stuff. (for lack of a better word, I'm calling it stuFF...)

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  11. You're not under the bed sweet Lana! You're just trying to stay strong and be a positive person! And you'll get it! I'm with you in my thoughts! My best hug for you!

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  12. Lana you are still here in our hearts and minds. I can imagine what comfort you are too all those waiting for their loved ones in treatment. Your caring spirit, joy and love for mankind impact on those around you. Don't worry about the future take ,each day one at a time and continue being your fabulous self for Henry and you.

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  13. Reading this post took my breath away and made my heart drop down to my stomach.
    "Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them" You and Henry have a special love and have lots of family, friends and your subscribers that love you Lana. Lets keep all the love coming in to make a miracle for your Henry.
    Sending you many hugs, thoughts, prayers and lots of love <3
    Faith, Hope & Love
    Anita (LaLaBella5a)

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  14. Lana, I come to check your blog everyday & cry right along with you. I feel so much of your pain & pray things improve for your DH, & strength for yourself to help get through all this. You are all each others strong shoulder in that waiting room & at times it will feel as though each of you are the only ones that understand your levels of grief & anguish. Take strength in knowing how much DH needs & appreciates all your doing for him right now. Also know that the glamorous Miss Lana isn't missing she's just a little preoccupied at the moment. Take care sweet one & my thoughts & prayers are with you always.

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  15. Your in my thoughts Lana as well as Henry.Working a time in the medical community, I know all too well how people seem to give up hope. The lady that was saving all the medication, was doing this more than likely because of the request of her husband. My Mother god bless her has had more treatment for cancer than I can remember. She has requested many a time to me, that if she is in unbearable pain to mercifully give her the pills she has saved. I really do not know what I will do when the time faces me. I have watched others die, and I have seen what we call snow under(Medical Term slang)..I have spoke to my mother about this. She has conversed with her doctor and he is fully aware of her request. This snow under is just giving more pain medication to ease the death process. I know this is a trying time for you and your husband. But knowing you and your determination you will rise above the odds.Your in my thoughts and prayers as is Henry. And the Lana your looking for, well you need not look any further..go to the mirror sweetie.. She's there.Clothes and shoes, didn't make Miss. Lana.
    Her heart of compassion and true love made Miss. Lana.
    God Bless
    DeDe

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  16. thinking of you and Henry, keep strong.

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  17. Dear Lana,
    If you think you've lost yourself, you maybe right.
    However, my dear, you have found a stronger, wiser, better version of yourself.
    Bags, shoes, makeup ...
    Can they even compare to anything that is "meaningful"?
    Absolutely not!
    “The first wealth is health” Ralph Waldo Emerson once said.
    What a quotation!
    G_d bless!
    xoxo
    mqs

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  18. Sending so much love and hugs to you both from Ireland! I know what it is to lose a loved one from bone cancer...it was secondary to prostrate and the pain that man suffered was so terrible and so so heartbreaking to watch! I understand how that conversation must have made you feel and I pray to god that you will never know that situation. Stay strong Lana....you will get through this, I am praying for you both! xx00xx

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  19. Some days I put off reading your blog. I click on it. But then I can't make myself read it. Some days I do this several times before I can actually get through it. And then I get mad at myself for being such a wuss. And then I cry even more. Your words are so powerful and your story is so real. I don't know you except through a computer screen and yet I think you are the most courageous woman I know.

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  20. Oh Lana. I know this is a world in which you never expected to find yourself. And yet it plays out every minute of every day, for families everywhere. No one wants to find themselves a member of this club. Our prayers and love are with you.

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  21. Dear Lana,

    I have been coming to your blog daily, and instead of thinking where the old Lana has gone, what I and many others see is a strong Lana. I pray for you and your husband <3 Your words stick to my heart and remind me to cherish every moment, regardless of situations. Love.

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  22. I think of you both often, always sending prayers of strength, healing, and love!! From my heart to yours, Ria

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  23. Stay strong, continually praying for you.
    Tammi Marie

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  24. First of all, don't ever call yourself a slob again. Ever. EVER. You are an incredible woman who does not need the finery to show your glorious soul and physical beauty. The fancies are accessories, not the main stay of the "outfit" that is you. I told a friend once to never say that again because she was talking badly about my friend when she said those things.

    I will tell you this: the first time I ever saw one of your vlogs I startled myself with my visceral reaction. It was overwhelming and my intellectualism couldn't force it away and pretend my belief system wasn't hypocrisy. I like to imagine myself open and accepting, as seeing more than the cover of the book. That's a damned lie. I was immediately angry and "disliked" what I *thought* I was seeing...but I wasn't seeing *YOU*. I was seeing you through a filter, through pre-judgement...through stereotypes and my own irrational history and past hurts. Because I am honest to a fault, I had to look at what was happening in me. I watched more. I found myself giggling, enjoying "girl time" and being ok with it. I always keep that part of me secret because it wasn't "strong"...what a crock.

    Lana, the deeper I looked, once I looked beyond the Chanel and Gaultier, was a bright, loving, kind, outgoing and funny woman who felt things deeply and sincerely.

    So, when you put on your beautiful shoes, or pull together a lovely outfit, do it out of love, not out of necessity. Love yourself. You love ferociously, do the same for yourself. We caregivers LOVE and as it says in the Velveteen Rabbit:

    "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

    "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

    "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

    "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

    "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

    "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

    "I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

    "The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

    So, if your button eyes fall out and your seams split some, know it is from being loved really hard. <3

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  25. Please hang in there Lana.. despite all the pain and the reality, surround yourself with some beauty and positive thoughts.. people who can uplift you not take you down because of the negative (but real) conversations. Once I read that this woman had cancer, and had 3 months before a surgery.. she watched funny movies every day with her husband, surrounded herself with positive things, and when she went for her check up, the cancer was gone.. try to read books on mind over body. But like you said, I am like you, I would rather have quality than quantity.. be strong, and do the best you can, always stay positive, don't let negative thoughts fill your mind.. the mind creates what we ask for.

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  26. I can't imagine how horrifying that conversation was. I'm so sorry Lana. When my Mother was dying she asked me to end her life. She couldn't ask because she had a breathing tube down her throat. She printed out the words, barely. When I told her I couldn't, she turned her face from me and her body just deflated. She did die a few days later. I don't know what I would've done if she was at home. I'm so sorry for your friend. I believe I would be at home with my family. My prayers are still with you and Henry.

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  27. Sweet Lana, I wish I could give you a ((HUGS)) !
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Henry !!
    Love from your Viva Las Vegas Friend, Lorrie

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  28. Lana, I think your a pretty amazing woman to find the time to keep us update us on Henry. I have been a mess... I haven't watched but a few youtube videos or came on your blog much since I was told I have a golf ball size mass on my right kidney. I don't know what it is yet... I still think about you and your husband and I pray nothing but the best out come for Henry. xo God bless!

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  29. Lana...sending thoughts...prayers...and mostly love to you and Henry. God Bless you both.

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  30. Dear Lana ~ Reading about that conversation was scary and heartbreaking. I'm just so sorry you and Henry are going through this.

    Thinking about you two and sending love,
    Mary Sue

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  31. Your new friends at the cancer center sound fabulous....seriously! Most people can't relate to what you are going through, but they can. You have been brought together for a reason, my dear.
    You are so LOVED, Lana. There are hundreds if not thousands of folks out there pulling for you and Henry and we are in this together.
    God Bless You Sister!!

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  32. Words cannot express the sadness I feel for everything you and Henry are going through. I pray that God gives you both the strength to fight hard and beat this disease. (((Hugs)))

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  33. It takes incredible strength to go through what you are dealing with every day, Lana. Your incredible character is showing through it all. It is more beautiful than all the designer clothes in the world! Love to Henry and you beautiful lady. Connie

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  34. Lana has not diappeared. She is now in extra strength variety!

    God bless you and Henry!

    Keep strong!


    Suzi

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  35. Vivacia Dreams I am going to assume you are young and inexperienced in life to call the women in this story undeserving souls...you have no idea what it is like to watch your loved one wither away your big strong husband your protector your lover your best friend you would do anything to make there pain stop to give them a bit of relief please please dont begin to imagine what you would do until you have walked a mile in someones shoes...

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  36. Dearest Lana,

    You are not weak, you are not chicken - you are facing this nightmare like a warrior and that takes some super strong courage! You have fallen into one of life's dark holes but you will bounce right back out of them again into the light and soldier on because that's what you do best Lana. You are one of life's fighters, you give, you love life and failure is just not an option. Take some time to look after yourself please Lana, eat well for yourself and for Henry. He needs you now more than anyone. God bless you both. I love you. xxxooo

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  37. Dearest Lana, so sorry I've been having trouble getting here the last few days, as I'm dealing with some of my own issues. But rest assured y'all are always in my prayers, whether I post it here or not.

    Lana and Henry's candles here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  38. Dearest Lana, You have not gone anywhere. But, you are traveling an uncharted path right now. That's enough to scare the strongest of all people. Lana, You are a very strong and courageous woman. Henry will make it--and a huge part of the reason will be because you helped hold him up during some of his most trying days. Your love, your devotion, and your very presence, gives Henry strength to fight.

    Someone above me commented that most likely the young woman hoarding the pain meds, was doing so at her husband's request. I agree. When my step- mother was dying, she was refusing more treatment. She wanted to die. Daddy had already died two years before her, and she had been his sole caregiver. Everyone says she really died of a broken heart. I remember her telling me many times-- that our society treats animals more humanely than they do people. Nobody would help her die. We didn't want her to leave us.

    It breaks my heart knowing that you and Henry are going through this. You are in my prayers each and every single day. Hugs,~Marilyn

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  39. Dear Lana

    I hope I never have to go through what you are going through because I know I would never be as strong. The 'old' Lana isn't gone, she has just slipped away for a while. One day, she will come back.

    Having read what Maureen's husband had to go through to stay alive, I'm not sure I would want that for myself, never mind the person I love most in the whole world.

    Reading your accounts of the people you have met brings it home that I am a very, very lucky woman to be living the life that I am just now. My life may be humdrum but now I realise that humdrum is great.

    God love you both and remember you are both in the thoughts and prayers of so many people out here in cyber world. Lou xxxx

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  40. Dear Lana
    Let go of these strangers, please. You can't and shouldn't take there heartbreaking pain and fear into your heart and add it to your pain and fear. You care about people. But sometimes is it not to much? Be nice and friendly as always, take your earphones out and listen to something that makes you calm or strong or smile a little bit. Listen to something that ease your heart-pain a little bit. Bring sweets or a cake to the clinic but take not there pain with you when you leave.
    I send confidence and strength to the moon, so it will find you in many nights
    Ella

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  41. Dear Lana, MsCavalier is right. You are being held up and carried through this. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it to you because you're suffering so but you are.

    After my beloved passed from the lung cancer, I was crushed. For someone as intensely co-dependent as I am (not even an ounce of the independent woman you are), losing him left me beyond inconsolable. I was severely depressed. One night I had a dream where I was walking along a hill. Someone was with me. They were holding my hand, but I never saw who it was. They were talking to me and I was overwhelmed with love, I mean totally consumed with a warming, self-completing love. I even remember saying to myself in the dream, "Wow! I loved Wayne but that can't hold a candle to this love." I didn't want the dream to end, but it did, and I kept trying to fall back asleep and go back into it. I thought about it constantly for weeks and months, even now 8 years later. That's how strongly it affected me.

    It wasn't revealed to me until 4 years later that I wasn't dreaming about another man in my life. I was being visited by something much larger, much more loving. As a Christian, I believe it was either an angel or Christ himself. I know now that at a time when I felt totally alone, angry with God, decimated and unable to face another day, I did because, unbeknownst to me, I wasn't operating under my own power, and neither are you.

    You'll get through this, dear friend, because you can't make it stop. There will be resolution and better days.

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  42. Lana .... You are not lost, perhaps some days you wish you were. But You are there it is just a different chapter in your life and one that we don't want to go through. I know that you will battle through this I only wish I could be there and let you lay your head on my shoulder and let you just cry and get it all out and not have to put on the "brave" face. Those other people at the Treatment Center they mean well when they share their stories but I think you need to not take their stories to heart and I know that is very hard to do . You need to keep focused on Positive things ...not the "what ifs" I keep you and Henry in my heart and in my prayers . I do believe God gives out miracles and I pray so much that it will be your turn to get a miracle. I love you dearly, Susie

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  43. Lana I' m still praying. Your writing is so beautiful, and it reminded me to embrace what is important. Thank you.

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  44. Dear Lana: You are so strong.Sometimes we feel lost when we don't know where we are going. Lana is here and has always been. Right know you are taking care of Henry, fighting the fight. Keep going, we are here with you with our prayers, notes and with all our love. Take care.

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  45. Lana, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't even come up with words to make that day better for you. I know that you are a strong woman and you are just putting yourself aside for now. You will be back to your glamourous self in no time! Once Henry is home and recovering, you will be able to put those gorgeous clothes and heels back on and you will be there again. The real LANA will be there again! You are just putting yourself aside for right now. That is you being loving and supporting of your husband. Putting him first! I know you probably feel as though you don't exist anymore like you did, I promise you will feel yourself again. It just takes time and patience. You are still in there my friend, you are just on hold for right now. You are totally right about quality! You would never let Henry sit alone, do you know how selfless and loving you are. He is so lucky to have you by his side. I know you are in your sweats but I bet when he looks at you, all he sees is how beautiful you are inside and out. You are a remarkable woman LANA! Thats who you are. You will be back again, I am sure of it! Until tomorrow my friend. xoxoxoxo
    Kathy

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  46. Oh my goodness Lana, I'm crying and all choked up over your predicament today. Stay strong sweet girl. You are always "our" Lana. Beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. There are more prayers said for you than you can count. Keep up the good work - you are doing a fine job, don't think differently.
    Love and blessings,
    Susan

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  47. You poor thing. Hang in there.

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  48. (((((Lana and Henry))))) You haven't lost the old you, You have just become a stronger, busier version. Love to you and Henry and all of the lives you bring to us in your blog.

    Kim

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  49. I have a son Trever with many health problems he has a feeding tube he turned 15 last week but cognitively he's at a 5 month level. I was thrust into a world of Doctor appointments and feeding pumps instead of the kind you wear LOL. The end of life issue effects me to my core. Its not are place to do that and I always fear that its such a slippery slope who are we to say when life isn't worth living. Go with your heart and how you felt when you heard what they where talking about. You and your hubby are in my prayers and he'll recover from this and it will make you both stronger. God bless
    Susan

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  50. Oh, you're still there! It's just that a side of yourself, that you've never seen, or, rather haven't seen in a LONG time, has come to take over! Your "strong self"! She was around when you were a little girl, getting you through the tough stuff, back then. Now, she's come to the front again, to get you through this tough stuff! ;0) Most of us are much, much stronger than we think we could ever be! Many just have not been put in a position where "strong self" has to come to the front! Of course, The Lord is right there, helping "strong self" along! *wink* Keeping you all in my daily thoughts and prayers!! Much <3 ~Melissa

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  51. SWEETIE...NONI HERE AGAIN. I KNOW IT'S HARD NOT TO GRAB ONTO OTHERS IN WAITING ROOMS (YOU MUST BE SICK OF WAITING ROOMS) AS YOU'RE TRYING SO HARD TO BE BRAVE, BUT THE ADVICE GIVEN IS JUST THAT-ADVICE AND OFTEN BAD ADVICE. YOU HANG IN THERE. FROM MY VAST EXPERIENCE OF CANCER AND ILLNESS, YOUR REACTIONS ARE NORMAL. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! CONFUSION AND EXHAUSTION ARE ALL NORMAL NOW. BREATHE. JUST BREATHE AND LET GOD BE GOD. OH, AND YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE PATHOLOGY REPORT. I READ MINE AND THEN THREW IT IN A CORNER. IT WASN'T GOING TO DICTATE MY LIFE!! GOD IS MY HEALER AND YOUR HUSBAND'S TOO! SENDING MIGHTY PRAYERS OF HEALING AND ENCOURAGEMENT AND LOVE YOUR WAY! CURED...NONI

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  52. Dearest Lana, 'gllitterkid' is so right, oh gosh is she a true voice of positive experience! Advice is knowledge from others based on their experience but it doesn't dictate the outcome of everyone - we are all individuals and what applies to one does not apply to another! One size does NOT fit all Lana!!! Listen to positive people Lana, don't let negativity creep upon you and sap your spirit. Spirit, attitude, determination......you can do it sweetheart, you can be strong for Henry and see him through this. Love and hugs to both you and Henry my very dear Lana. I love you very much. Leyla xxxooo

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  53. Hi Lana, me again.

    I've just been reading the later comments and you know what, they are right. You will have to be a little more selfish (it's not really the right word but I think you'll know what I mean), about giving your ear and attention to all those other waiting room folk. Without meaning to they will eat away at your confidence and positivity.

    Not on a par with anything your husband is going through now, but I have rheumatoid arthritis and when first diagnosed and feeling stiff and sore, I spent a couple of weeks in a rheumatology clinic. The others there were lovely people and also somewhat older than myself but, oh my, although I went in with a positive outlook to try and find a way to live with this disease, I became quite depressed when I saw hold badly this RA affected some people. On and on they moaned and sighed and compared how badly their joints were affected and how much worse things were going to get. Great.

    Then I discovered a well-attended online forum for sufferers of RA and joined it but you know what, I had to stop logging on because all people spoke about was the disease and how bad it was and how much worse is was getting and God how awful life was..... and again, my positive outlook was challenged.

    So I deleted my account & never returned and now, yes, the pain can be a wee bugger to live with but I cope and I'm happy and I don't dwell on it.

    Cancer is a different beast to contend with but I think there's a lot in how the patient and their carers cope as long as they are supported in positive ways. You don't need to absorb other people's pain right now so let them go.

    When Henry is away for his treatment and you are left outside in the waiting room, just smile and slip away for a while only to return when you know he'll have finished.

    You aren't being unkind - you are being kind to yourself which in turn will most definitely benefit your beloved Henry.

    God bless, Lana.
    Lou xx

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  54. I am so sorry ... I am still bananas for lana and know that you are a force and have faced down scary stuff in the past. You are lucky to have a "Henry" and Henry is lucky to have a "LANA". Good luck and God bless.

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  55. Sending tons of love to you and Henry. Keep your light inside, hang onto the positive and "quality" of your life and love. You are so strong, beautiful (sweats or no) and full of life, even when you don't feel it. Know we are all with you, holding you up with our prayers and love. Hugs xxxxx Eva

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  56. I stumbled on to your YouTube channel several months ago and instantly became hooked by your wit and charm. My husband received the MAC make-up box from his boss (he plays saxophone for Celine Dion)..she bought one for everyone in the show and had them personalized with their names. He gave his to me and I set off to find it online and figure out if it came apart or not. This lead me to you. Of course, after the make-up box vid I had to watch a dozen or so more and have been watching them since.

    I saw the one about your dear Henry last night and it broke my heart. I immediately went to your first blog entry and read every one; after each, wanting to comment but realizing there were more and you would be moving forward through this. I finished the last at 3am last night...crying my eyes out. I decided to go to sleep and comment today.

    I lost my job of 23 years in Feb. I worked in Bingo from the time I was 22 years old. You can probably guess what my demographic was. Cancer is an all too familiar part of my life. An easy 75% of my clientelle were 55 yrs and over. People DO SURVIVE stage 4 cancers! I've seen the winning battles. I've seen the loosing ones as well, and I've seen many loose in the end, but after managing to give themselves several more years of QUALITY life. I know he's tired, poor one, but he can make it. I'm praying for him to have the strength to keep fighting...to keep himself strong and nourished. And you as well..take care of you, eat as healthy and organic as possible during this time. I say this because you need the strength, and because the stress and fear lowers your resistance significantly and you need all the help you can get. When Henry is able to swallow again, have a juicer ready and juice nothing but well scrubbed organics.

    Our dear friend Rick (who had brain cancer) was told over 13 years ago by his Dr., "go home and enjoy your wife and 3 little kids. Don't waste your last 3 months chasing some kind of miracle cure that doesn't exist." The miracle DID exist and Rick Weibe is cancer free and still enjoying his wife and 3 much bigger kids.

    You keep your Henry as long as you can! I'll be praying for you both. Love and hugs xxxxx
    Michelle

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  57. My Father had cancer. He didn't want to die but he didn't want the pain anymore, he wanted, begged to just get some painless sleep. I sat with my Dad, wanting so much for him to be the strong man he used to be. I used to fill straws with water so he could get water. When Dad fell into a coma, I knew he was getting his pain relief. When he took his last breath, he got his sleep. God bless you, your husband and everyone who suffers from this terrible disease.

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  58. Lana you are there in your most caring, compassionate and brave capacity. I am so sorry you and Henry have to go through this and I hope that you never have to face anything as hard as this in your life ever again. Sending you love and hugs and prayers. Love Sue xxx

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  59. I keep praying for you guys. Hang in there please. You will be a success story, ok? Have faith my dear.

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  60. Therese YT sserena13August 2, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    Dear Lana,

    I have been praying for you and your husband. I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. You are very very courageous. Please remember to feed yourself and drink lots of water. You need to take care of your health so that you can remain strong. Sending you a big hug. Therese, a subscriber from YT.

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  61. Oh Lana, Please tell us that one of your loving friends or family members is there to hold your hand when you need them.... It's all so overwhelming-you don't have to be strong every day. You're whole world is upside down-of course you feel like you've lost yourself.

    This is bound to be the hardest thing you've ever faced in your life... that means you're being stretched beyond anything you've ever known! It's probably a good time to get some support.

    PLEASE when you read this stop for just a moment and ask yourself this important question: If Henry were in your shoes right now-feeling what you’re feeling….the fear, the confusion, the anger; what would you want him to do? Wouldn’t you want him to take a couple hours a week or so to talk to someone? You’d want him to take good care of himself right?

    Do what’s best for you and for Henry-just think about it ok?
    Love, Kat

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  62. Do Not Fear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23jeSAlB_GE&feature=share

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  63. You have those expensive items. While children are abused and murdered daily you have a shoe-A Shoe-that cost more than a years worth of food for a starving person. Do you know how many people died today that just needed food or water? They just needed a few dollars and they would still be here. Now you are seeing some deaths are not as simple as food or water. If someone had the cure for cancer on their feet or hanging from their ears would it be fair of them to let a cancer patient die because "its pretty"

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  64. To the above poster:
    So basically you are saying that Lana's husband got cancer because she spent her paychecks on shoes and clothes as is her right in America?
    That because she doesn't sell her shoes that she earned she is holding up finding the cure for cancer?
    You are such a lame dumbass for writing that statement on here.
    Get the fuck off and never come back. Cant you see someone is hurting?
    You are the epitome of a loser hater. Got off your dead ass and get a job and make money and either go buy your own shoes with it or give the money to cancer research or feed the homeless but get out of here you idiot
    God, I despise ignorant people

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  65. Good God Lana,

    I am hurting so much for you reading the dreadful sick hateful post by one of life's jealous losers who will NEVER amount to anything and has stooped so low to leave such an ugly venomous message when you are hurting so much. YOU Lana, a lady full of sweetness, kindness, goodness. Ignorant, jealous people will always live amongst us but they will never have the love or anything close to it when their hearts are so full of anger and spite.

    So for all of us who enjoy nice shoes and fine living, does that make us or our families deserve to have cancer????? There is no logic in that ugly low-life's post but how can there be? You will rise above it dear sweet Lana and please.....step on their ugliness WITH YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE PAIR OF CHRISTIAN LOUBOUITIN'S!!!!!

    Cancer and starving people are sadly a part of our every day life. It is possible to work hard to enjoy the finer things in life AND help to look after those who are not so fortunate by donating to some of our favourite charities. Please, please delete that ugly message Lana and don't shed one tear.......just pity the low life and hope that he or she crawls back under the dark stinking hole they came from and doesn't come out again unless they have anything positive to share. Ignorant shit head.

    And to our dear friend who responded to the post first - thank you. Thank you so very much for speaking for each and every one of us....indeed ignorance is despicable.

    I love you so very much Lana, chin up, keep your armour polished and fight on sweetheart!!! Love to dear Henry too. Leyla xxxooo

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  66. Praying for you and your husband every day.

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  67. I don't post here very often, but I read this blog every day and I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers.

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  68. What a recognition in your story, so heartbreaking to read. My daughter also will need new lungs but she even don't know if she want that when time comes. Everybody follows their heart and hang on to life. You are so strong and are allowed to feel also weak. Lots of Love from overseas! hang in there Lana! Julia

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  69. Still here Sweetie, still praying. Leaving for home next week for a month, to stay with my baby. Can't wait to get to Florida. My heart is still there. I'll pray all the way across the country from roughly 37,000 feet, leaving a prayer "con trail" from Washington to Florida, a few feet closer to God.

    Love ya

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  70. Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  71. Very powerful stuff there sitting in the group listening to this lady tell her story. I know you probably can't help but be drawn to this because one may thing that they can find something to help their loved one. I think that maybe you can see Lana much easier if instead of listening to these stories instead just concentrate on Henry. Maybe read with him, tell him stories, listen to music together. Things that bring you back to just Lana and henry. I hope I'm explaining this how I want it to sound. Much love to you both Sweetie! ♥ Vickie

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  72. Lana, I love coming here and reading the posts. I have some problems right now, (nothing compared to yours), and the posts are always uplifting. I just ignore the psychos and trolls, every blog has them, and the world is full of people with sick minds. I ignore them and they go away. :) But most everyone always has uplifting stories, interesting tales of life and things that make me smile. Still praying for you guys.

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:
    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  73. Stopping by to check in and let you know I'm still here with you. I'm still praying, and I hope y'all are able to rest and relax a little this weekend.

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  74. Still here Lana. Please just post a line. Sorry I haven't been posting, it was a long flight from Vancouver to Florida. Have been dealing with some very serious issues of my own, but not a day goes by that I don't pray for you and Henry. Still thinking of you guys and love y'all.

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:
    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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