Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Don't Want New Friends. Today

Wednesday
10:00 a.m.
Radiation Clinic

The radiation machine has been broken off and on since Monday.  My husband says he can tell a difference in how it sounds and rotates as it goes around his neck.
The line to get in for treatment is like the lines to get into DisneyWorld in July when school is out for the summer. 
I usually wait in the waiting room and chat with my new  friends that all have cancer and are waiting for their treatments while he's in there for 45 minutes to an hour getting radiated.

Chris has finished his radiation treatments and I wonder if I will ever see him again. I hope that I do, but not in here. We exchanged phone numbers but you know how those things go...
Sandy. 
Sandy I worry about her desperately.
I did get her full name and watch the obituaries in the local newspaper for her name. 
What have I become???
Checking the death notices for my friends' names now? How macabre.
It's funny how close you can get to complete strangers in an oncology clinic waiting room and how quickly your heart can be pulled in to them. 
Their stories. Their lives. Their hopes.
Now, it's a whole new group of people and I am not so sure I even want to try.
What's the point? 

Today, I just sat and shoved my nose in my iPad and didn't even look up. I don't have the energy to be wrapped into so much sadness today. All of the sweet sad people.
This is how the conversations usually go...
"Hi. How is your day? What kind and where is your cancer?"
It's ongoing. Everyone has a sad story about how and when they were diagnosed and their symptoms. 
Oprah once said that everyone has a story that will make you cry. I believe that may be magnified in this place. Mostly the clinic is men. I'd say 7 out of 10 are men with cancer.
I beg for a cure.
Tomorrow is chemo day. :(

39 comments:

  1. Lana You and Henry are in my heart and on my mind all the time. I am praying so hard for a miracle. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and let you hang on as long as you wanted. I will continue my prayers. I love you dearly. Susie

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  2. Hang in there baby! It's a tough grind but you will make it. Looks like we are starting again as they have found some lymph nodes in my hubby's CT scan. So we will be getting back on this twisted merry-go-round again. Thinking and praying for you and Henry and all your family.

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  3. love&prayers Lana to you. hang in there ,please take care of yourself too !!

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  4. I wish you both a lot of strength! My mom didn't have the chemo for 6 hours, but they didn't even let anyone in with her. I'm glad you can be with your husband, sweetie. Much love and thoughts for you both, Lana. -angel

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  5. Sending continued prayers to you and Henry. Thank God you can be there with him.

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  6. Love, love and more love. So happy to see your post. Wrapping you both in positive ESP and healing light. Be good to yourself. Stay positive. We are all with you. Hugs xxxx Eva

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  7. A short story:

    Shortly after Wayne and I got engaged, we went fishing, not unusual for us. My job was always to grab the rope and pull the boat back to the shore while he parked the truck. This particular day I had on both my new engagement ring and a new pair of tennies that he had bought me, all white and lovely. You know how wonderful new tennis shoes are. He told me not to step off the ramp because it was muddy and I would sink. Not me, I thought, I won't sink. I'm small. So I stepped over and I didn't sink, so I stepped over further and then I sunk, above my ankles I sunk. Wayne came strutting down the boat ramp with an ignorant smile on his face and yelled down to me in his southern drawl, "Is you stuck in the mud, Bug?" I got mad at my stupidity and his laughter. I attempted to extricate myself and fell over and got my ring muddy. Now I was doubly mad.

    Wayne sets everything to right again, but I'm still not ready to be at peace yet. We take off in the boat. He's in the back steering the motor and I'm in the front pouting. He asks for one of my tennies and casually dips it into the water, as we're speeding up the river. I think to myself, "Betsy, you're about to get married. You need to learn how get over stuff and work together." So I take my other shoe and I dip it into the water. The moment it touches water it's whisked from my hand. I hang my head and put my head to my knees. Wayne asks me if I'm okay. "Are you crying," he asks? I turn around in a fit of laughter. I wanted to cry but all I could do was laugh. I point in the direction we just came from and in all humility manage to say, "my shoe."

    We got there just as the shoe was starting to sink, but he saved it.

    Why did I tell you this story? As I told before, I've been in your spot, and I know how awful it is and sometimes you just haven't got it in you to face another sad story or even another well-wisher. Sometimes you can't get past the misery that has become your life. But, if this story transported you for just a few seconds, I'm happy to have been able to do that.

    Kindest regards

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  8. It must be incredibly hard to see someone you care for going through this.
    I wish you both all the very best.
    G_d is great and nothing is impossible.
    mqs

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  9. I wish you love and strength as you endure this terrible life hurdle. You and Henry remain in my prayers.
    God Bless and Keep you strong.
    Big ((Hugs))
    DeDe

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  10. I'd have given my last bottle of L'Or to see your beautiful smiling face in the waiting room when I went on my "cruise of fear"! Seeing someone looking vibrant and beautiful like you was what I wanted; you may feel lower than a well diggers boots but to them you are a bolt of sunlight.

    Chris

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  11. I've watched your videos for a long time. One day, while watching the latest, I became very troubled. I said to myself, "Something is wrong with her, something has happened." It was then that I investigated a little further, found and read this blog and cried for you and Henry, Lana.
    Lana, I wish I had the answers to our suffering.If I could snap my fingers and take it away I would do it for the entire world, but I am nothing but a simple, mortal soul who suffers with you.
    We often hear of God opening doors, but what do you do when God closes a door? What we may see as a dead end now may very well become the beginning of a new chapter in the story that God is writing on our lives.
    Hang tough Girl!
    Ronda

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  12. Aww. I understand that you don't want to meet new people for now.

    Hugs.

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  13. Lana last june my life was turned upside down when my father was hurt in a freak accident that caused him to loose his left eye, while he was in the hospital they found cancer..which he had to have radiation that failed and then chemo then surgery that didnt get it all then chemo again all the while my mother held it together while he wanted to give up she as well listened to all the new cancer friends stories and watched alot of them pass and some beat the diease she took this all in and cried silent tears screamed silent screams waited countless hours in oncology clinics read books and brochures baked cookies and held barf bags for Dad and many others and one day a kind hearted doctor asked my mom how she was doing ..fine she said i am just fine...the doctor said really your fine...your not angry no she said...your not tired no she said...your not a even a little sick of all this ....and she started to cry and cry and cry ...she didnt think she was allowed to feel these things she thought she would be looked at as a terrible wife when she finally let go of the emotions she was holding in everyone including my dad starting making progress towards recovery...lesson here is it is ok to be a little selfish once in a while lana i dont blame you for not wanting any new friends new cancer friends equals more pain your heart can only take so much....love u

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  14. Hang in there Lana! I know its easier said then done though!! Those places are the worst and its hard to be happy in a place like that or at all for that matter when you have your loved one going through all of this. Well you know you have all of us well wishers here hanging in there with you and i for one wont leave! Remember what i said?? when you get to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and if that rope comes undone i am gonna throw you another rope ((((throws Lana a new rope)))) When the going gets tough the tough get going and you are one tough cookie Lana more than you think. Faith, Hope & Love........ I am going to keep saying those words to you because i believe in it. you know i was missing your beautiful, kind, quirky self so i started re watching some of your videos last night and this morning... Miss You! Many hugs, thoughts and prayers to you and Henry!! Anita (LaLaBella5a)

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  15. *Hugs and Love* To you and your man Lana.
    I will write you very soon.

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  16. I totally agree with "trayceg." Selfishness, losing control and being less than absolutely fabulous, doesn't mean you've given up or that somehow your less of a person. It just means you're human, and we all have the right/need to be that. Whatever you do will be the right thing, so don't reproach yourself. Much love.

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  17. Dear Sweet Lana, I can totally understand why you don't want more new friends right now. You are a wounded warrior at this point in time. Your heart is so huge-- and right now it is suffering a horrendous shock. Your strength and courage are inspiring, whether you realize it or not. God bless you and Henry. I'm praying for a miracle. Big hugs,~Marilyn

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  18. You don't have to be the cheerleader or the brave one every day. Always thinking of you and henry.

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  19. I agree with bbug. You and Henry not only need our thoughts and prayers, you need a pick me up.

    Here's a quick, cute story.

    My niece wrote a song for her Mother's birthday which is this Saturday. I told her I would videotape it. Last night we attempted to tape her song and dance. She is 9 years old. Even though she's not allowed to wear make-up, she brought lipstick, blush and eyeshadow.

    We did at least 10 takes. First a train went by, then dogs barked, wind was too strong, then she realized her lipstick needed fixing.

    Finally got it. Thought you would appreciate her wanting to do it over because of lipstick.

    Her clothes and purse were another story. Pink with sequins.

    Take care.
    mrssuze51

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  20. Sending continued prayers to you and Henry.
    God Bless and Keep you strong.
    Love and hugs.
    Janaina

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  21. Playlist #1 for you Henry & Lana to bring hope, encouragement, and place above the circumstance.

    www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL04D5D8BEA5E90F53

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  22. My wishes to you are of love a strength to get through this journey you are on. Hold on tight, Lana. I know you can do it. We are all praying for you and Henry. Love & Great Big Hugs. . . Vickie

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  23. Ciao Lana,

    My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your dear husband... and also to all those friends that you have met during your visits at the hospital. I really do not like to see anyone sick and suffering either.. it breaks my heart as well.

    You are always on my mind... and in my prayers. I am very happy to read your posts that you write.

    Sending some (((((((HUGS))))))) to you and your hubby!!

    Hugs & Kisses,
    Love
    Shelley
    xXx

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  24. Dear Lana,
    I am thinking of you and Henry and I wish there was something I could do to make the pain and suffering go away.You are such a beautiful person,Lana and we all adore you.I don't blame you for not wanting to make any new friends.You can only give so much of yourself.You don't need any more pain.Just hang in there,Lana.Don't let this beat you.Henry needs you more than ever.You and Henry are going to beat this cancer.We are all praying for Henry to be cured.We love and adore you Lana.Sending love and healing thoughts your way.
    Lots and lots of love,Julia xxxx xxxx

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  25. I Kinda want to say that it was so good to hear from u but not under these circumstances!.. I know that we have never met but I feel like I have known u for a life time..I check this Daily, Sometimes 30 times a day..(ok, maybe not that much) but alot..I think about you and your Sweet hubby lots! If I could take this Pain and suffering away I would in a heartbeat! Im so so sorry you and your Family are suffering like this! I will continue to hold you both in my heart and Pray for ya'll Daily ..Love you and Please give that wonderful husband a big hug for me..XOXOXOXO...

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  26. Lana, thanks for posting even when all you wanna do is hide your nose in your IPAD its good to tell somebody about it.

    You will be glad some day that you kept a journal type account of yours and Henry's battle with cancer... Because some day this horrible nightmare will be in the past--way in the past and you will look back and wonder what got you through and wonder why you didn't give up like you wanted to so many times, and wonder what Henry was saying and doing while you were wrapped in your cocoon of agony. (Isn't that just a terrible reference? I know it is I have been there sweet Lana) At least you will have this blog-maybe you are also keeping a more personal account somewhere. If so keep it up-You absolutely must be opening up to someone. Even when you can't find the will to blog, keep telling your experience to someone Lana.

    Thinking of you hour by hour,
    Love brings your heart to mine....
    Hoping you can feel the peace that's sent
    With you in mind.

    Love to you and Henry both, Kat
    aka YouTube id mrsjustheretolearn

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  27. envygeeksgirl - KerryJuly 28, 2011 at 12:05 AM

    Lana, you are such a fabilous woman!
    My mum got diagnosed with Lung cancer last year. The doctor gave her a year to live and he said it wouldn't be treatable.
    A year passed, it shrunk more than HALF! She went back and the doctor told her, when he told her a year it was because he couldn't really face telling her the real amount of time he said she'd have - he was going to give her 4 months.

    It's a miracle. And thank God everyday.
    And it's been hard.
    The chemo and radio therapy. But it's all worth it, Lana. Don't give up hope. The sickness, the pain, if it's helping your husband, even though it seems to batter the person having the treatment, in the long run, it'll be worth it.

    My dad died of cancer the 2 years ago when I was 17, because they told him he had irritable bowel syndrome, when he didn't, when they made the effort to check him properly, it was too late and he was too weak to recover from the surgery and the cancer spread through his body.

    When you feel sad, try and remember thank GOD you went to the doctor when you did and he didn't send you home and say there's nothing they could do. They said that's what would have happened with my mum if she never went to the doctor when she did.

    It's hard to stay positive when all you want to do is cry and hide away, but if you're positive, your husband will be reassured and once you have hope in your life - you have your whole future to look forward to.

    Stay strong, darling. <3

    I think of you everyday, I check this blog everyday, albeit, I don't always comment and I'm sorry for that because it's not showing how much I support you. I pray for you.

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  28. I love coming here and reading everyone's posts. I'm afraid I don't have any good news myself today, Oh my goodness, we're starting to sound like the waiting room, Debbie isn't here is she? I have to fly back to Florida in a couple of weeks, I'm looking forward to being with my family, but this trip wasn't exactly planned. Well it was, then it wasn't and now it is again. Long story, but basically going home because of not so good news, but we'll discuss that another time. So I want to travel light, but how do you do that when your going for a month? Last time, my check in was over weight, so I pulled stuff out and strapped it to the top of my carry on? Is that even Kosher? :) I thought for sure they were going to get me for that one, but it wasn't that one that I got nailed on, nope, my dear daughter trying to help me pack, accidentally put my Swiss Army Knife in my carry on instead of my check in. Oops! They were very nice about it though, and I found out about those neat little "mail it to myself" thingys at the airport.
    I admire that you fly, when it's time for me to fly, all I can think about, is do I have enough ativan to get there and back?

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  29. Lana, something happened to my computer the other day and I wasn't able to send you my usual sparkles, twinkles, confetti, pixie dust, hugs and love. I'm sending you a double dose today! I understand not wanting new friends. I understand how it gets to you day after day. There are times, even now, when I think about what we went through with Dad and I wonder how we did it. But we did and so will you. Like others have said, it's so easy for me to say it will get easier, just know, Lana, that we are all out here praying and keeping our toes, fingers and eyes crossed that all goes well and you guys can vacation someplace beautiful. You deserve it. You are such a bubbly person and you deserve much love and happiness. God Bless and watch over you and Henry and may He give you comforting and healing hugs. Take care.

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  30. You can see how addled I am, almost forgot to post y'all's candles.

    Lana and Henry's candles:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  31. Hi Lana! It IS ok to be tired and withdraw from constant strain. It must be so hard to constantly interact with people dealing with problems of this magnitude and to be so constantly surrounded by it all. I hope you and Henry get some moments of comfort and peace. You must not get much privacy at all with all the Medical personnel and treatment rooms. Everyone is really pulling for you Lana. Take care sweet lady and take any breaks you can without a moment of guilt. xoxo Connie

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  32. Dearest Lana, You are the kind of lady who doesn't know how not to care. You are just a natural born giver, carer, lover of her fellow man and woman. By burying yourself in your iPad doesn't make you unkind or any less caring. You are human sweetheart, you need time for yourself too and you did what you had to do - keeping your pretty made-up face in your iPad and boost yourself by distracting yourself. That doesn't make you selfish. You have a huge heart Lana, anyone can see that reading through your blog and watching your videos. You deserve a break if ever anyone did. You focus on yourself and your beloved Henry. You have to be there for him, he needs you and you have to be stronger than ever before. I continue my prayers for you both my dear Lana. I wish I could fast forward you and Henry out of this horrid stage you are in. Keep your faith and your hope strong Lana, do what you have to do to keep yourself strong. We all love you SO MUCH! Leyla :) xxxooo

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  33. Lana, I understand completely how tired you must feel, tired of all hospital visits, sick of the cancer, tired and worn out by all the concern you have for Henry. That you also should be able to listen and be compassionate with everyone else is too much to ask. You must allow yourself to take care of yourself sometimes. I hope you and Henry get some rest together with all this going on around you. Take care, and as always, I continue to pray for you and Henry.

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  34. Sending huge hugs and tons of love! PLEASE be kind to yourself, dear Lana, you deserve a "day off" so please take care of YOU! I love you tons <3

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  35. God bless you both. I'm still praying for Henry. I don't read the obits. My girlfriend does and she said there's so many nice stories there. I just don't understand why she likes to read them. She started last year. Her Mother reads the paper from the 1st to the last page. She's 96 and is always finding someone she knows in there. My Mother never read the obits so I guess that's why I don't. I want to concentrate on the good parts of life. My Mother was asked several times by her doctors to talk with other patients because she had such a good attitude. She never wanted to because she said she ignored the cancer and pretended she was fine. That was how she got through it all. Be positive and you'll find good things will come to you. Eventually things will turn around for you both. Stay strong and keep praying. God hears us all.

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  36. Lana,
    Thank you for your post. If you don't feel like making new friends you have all of us. I am sure you can stick your head in your IPAD and read all of the comments from all of your friends here. I am sure we all have sad stories but when we talk to you, it is all about you and Henry. We are here for you. Sending you postive vibes and encouragement. I watched another one of your videos today. You always make me laugh. Your love of beautiful things, life, and family. You are an amazing woman! Until tomorrow my friend. God bless and take care of that man of yours! xoxoxo
    Kathy : )

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  37. Lana, you have described exactly what it's like.

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  38. Lana, we should all be so honest with each other as the people who's lives are at stake, thats one thing I learned from being around critical care so much was all the bullshit goes right out the window, and its, hi, my name is blahblah, and i want to live.

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