Thursday, July 7, 2011

Holes

Thursday 1:15 a.m.
Awake. Dreaming. Crying. Trying to stiffle the tears that refuse to stop. 



Later today they will poke two holes in my husband and the thought of it hurts me more than I ever dreamed of.
The first one will go right in his upper chest. You know the place... The place that when your man holds you close in the twilight. The place where you lay your head. That little curved out space that you fit into so perfectly and feel so protected and loved when his arms go around you. Right there is where the first hole goes. It's called a Smart Port and he will have to carry a card to get thru security as it has a metal lead that goes under the collar bone and ends at his heart.  It is there to be ready to have a place to put the Chemo and IV's when that begins next week. 
I'm not sure why but I thought it would have a hole to the outside but it doesn't. It's covered by skin which they will numb each time they shoot the chemo-juice to him.  The doctor tells me that the skin covering the portal will get very tough from all the needles and injections.



The second hole. It goes directly into his stomach and has two valves.  Two valves. 
One is for the liquified food and I'll be darned if I know what the other one is for. 
No one taught me a thing. Yet. That comes next week. 
Just to show you my stupidity, I truly thought I could grind up a small pizza and stick it in that tube. Ha! Not even close. Everything must be the consistency of water. What was I thinking? Sadly, I thought he would finally get a meal today. No. Not for a week or until they can teach me how and what to do. 
Me. Teach me.  I know about mascara and foundation. Blush and eyeshadow. I am clueless about healthcare.  Clueless.



My husband is shrinking.
30 pounds of weight loss in less than 2 weeks isn't good. 
I'm telling you.. Any one of us that thinks we are 10, 15 or even twenty pounds overweight. Good. It's insurance. Embrace those pounds! I used to worry and try to lose a few pounds. Not now. Let it be! I'll enjoy each chubby pound to use as a reserve. 
You never know.


9:00 a.m.
My husband looks the color of fresh poured concrete. Go check out the worst looking driveway in your neighborhood and that is his color this morning. Surgery is at 10:00.
He is clammy. Dripping wet and panting. Can't breathe. Looks like he died. HOW can they cut into him when he feels this bad?
He can't eat. He can't drink. Surgery is in one hour. 
I get him to the car. He looks even worse as time and miles pass by. I feel such panic.
I get him to the hospital and checked in. They begin an IV and his color comes back. 
A bit. 

The doctor comes in to explain the procedure. 
PEG Tube. Tube down the throat with a camera attached. Poke a hole in the stomach and the two meet up and connect. The outer tube has the two valves for the food. I failed to catch what the other valve is for. sigh
The Chemo port goes in right under the shoulder and a wire lead is fed under the collar bone, under the muscle and to the heart. It is completely closed. No outer opening. 
This mystifies me.
They attach leg things to massage his calves during the surgery to keep him from throwing a blood clot. (Much like the reason a passenger is encouraged to walk about the cabin on a long distance flight)
They wheel him away. My heart breaks and then sinks. I want to call him back and just go home. Forget the holes. Forget cancer. Forget this day and hide under the bed. Make this ride of horror stop and get OFF! 
I am told to wait in the waiting room until the doctor will inform me how the surgery has gone.
I walk away from the surgery center with tears blurring my vision and I walk into a part of the surgical wing I'm not allowed in to. The nurse gently calls me back. I'm lost. So lost.
One foot. Breathe. Another foot. Breathe.  I used to love to hear the sound of my heels clink on the marble of the courthouse as I walked the halls. Click. Click. Click.
 Today my heels sound like they are taunting me as I walk.  Holes. Holes Holes. 
They echo and repeat. Holes. Holes. Holes.
I somehow get to the surgical waiting room. So many others are there... waiting. 

I see a young girl in a tank top with her entire arm missing all the way up to the shoulder. Scars so mean-looking and red.  I Do NOT want to see these things! I do NOT want to feel the pain of others. Patients with bandages on their eyes. Splints. Hurt.
I find a recliner chair far away from everyone. I want to wrap myself in a cocoon and be lost. My phone has been on silent but ringing. I begin to call all of those that love us back and it helps. Words. Comfort. 



2 hours.
The doctor finds me there. All went well. I can go back to be with him in 10 minutes. He shakes my hand and tells me Henry's throat is as raw and red as hamburger but everything is fine. He now has TWO holes.
I am brought back to his suite. He is asleep and looks horrible. Dark brown Io-Prep all over him to sanitize the areas. Blood. 
He wakes up as I lean in to him. He croaks out one word... "Sorry."
Sorry? For what? I never find out what he is "sorry" for.
 An hour passes. He can get dressed and I can take him home.  Instructions, prescriptions, pain killers. 
The ugly tan curtain is pulled closed for privacy and I kneel down to help him put on his socks.
He bends forward and his eyes instantly see the feeding tube that is now a semi-permanant part of his anatomy taped to his stomach. He jerks up back into a sitting position and in the saddest voice I have ever heard he looks at me asks, 
"Lana! What the Hell is THAT?"
"It's why we came here today. It's your tube." I tell him.
"Good God! That thing looks like AWFUL! Did we pay for that? What have they done?" as he winces in pain.  
He hasn't yet seen the Smart Port. It's bloody and looks painful. A huge bump under the skin. I'll save that for tomorrow to remind him about.
I help him get dressed and as two crippled people, wounded, we leave and I drive him home. Sleep.
 I want to take his pain and tubes and holes away and let him forget and sleep. Sleep. Escape into Sleep.
Tomorrow, he has his usual radiation treatment at 10:00 a.m.



To all of YOU. You mean so much to me. Your notes, phone calls and words of encouragement mean the world to us both. I would be even more lost without you. You own my troubled heart.

97 comments:

  1. I've said this before and I'll keep saying it. Sending love, love, love and more love to you, Henry and your beloved family. You are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers. You are on every prayer list I could find and I think of you throughout the day. Wrapping you in arms of positive light and healing love. Hugs xxxx Eva

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  2. Samantha samlsvgs@gmail.comJuly 7, 2011 at 9:17 PM

    Sending you so much love and a big long hug with an extra special squeeze right now. Good happy thoughts to you both.

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  3. My heart is breaking for you two. God bless.

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  4. I am here all the time waiting praying hoping. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  5. oh sweetheart, keep hanging on.
    and remember to see the beauty in the world around you, it can ease the pain if just for a second. wish on a star, wish on a dandelion and watch the butterflies imagining how good it will feel when you have beaten this and you are free
    jen xoxo

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  6. I'm sending love and good thoughts your way for you and Henry. I pray for you strength as you go through each step with Henry. Biggest Hugs. ..

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  7. Prayers continue for you and Henry. Stay strong, dear Lana.

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  8. Magic Wand
    I wish I had a magic wand
    To make it go away;
    I'd wave my scepter over you
    Until you were okay.
    I'd think good thoughts; I'd send you love;
    I'd transmit healing vibes;
    My wand and I would surely beat
    Whatever the doc prescribes.
    But there is no magic scepter, so
    I cannot cast a spell;
    Just know you're often in my thoughts,
    And I hope you'll soon be well!


    ~By Joanna Fuchs

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  9. Thanks for the update - I know we are all praying for you!! Stay strong and take care of yourself so you can take care of Henry.

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  10. Lana honey, you know I love you, but please don't call yourself stupid because it's simply not true. You are one hell of a woman, so don't make the easy mistake of underestimating your smarts and strength when things are difficult. That said, I appreciate the honesty of your blog. However feeling stupid doesn't mean you are stupid. That's an important distinction.
    It sounds to me that you and dear Henry can only go by the reality of your situation, which is that he is one very sick but very awesome man and you are one very caring, very smart and very beautiful woman and that you love each other very very much. Those are the facts.
    Not knowing about something does not imply stupidty, just a lack of information. So make sure you speak up, ask questions, claim your space in this f*cked up situation and demand the knowledge you need to kick this things ass.
    We all think you are super darn fabulous in every way. Keep your chin up my Lady. Be strong and stay smart
    <3 <3 <3 Betty

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  11. Still praying for all of your family everyday. Like I told you before, when my hubby was in for all his cancer treatments I would try to be strong, but save all 'my' crying time for in the shower. That way you can sob your heart out without upsetting anyone else. By the time you get out of the shower you are looking okay again and feel a little more in control. Take care. Jadedlu

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  12. Dear Lana, I know this was a rough day for you and Henry. You're both in my prayers.God Bless, try to get some rest and trust in the Lord, he will give you the strength to get through.((HUGS)) Klaire

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  13. yes Lana the things they do to Henry's body are hell!, keep your goal in sight,to fight and win! chemo is yet to come ,and you must put on your armor its a war for you both ! please know a prayer is said for you both daily in my home . love Michael&Audrey. oxox

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  14. Dear Lana and Henry ~ That was painful to read...I wish I could do something to help. Just know that you are loved and supported by so many.

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  15. Sweet Lana you have warriors surrounding you in this battle, some fight the disease, some help shore you up but all of us pray for you. Big tough angels are all around you and your guy, only 2 more days until the weekend.

    Chris

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  16. I'm so sorry I can't be there with you through this awful mess. I realized as I was reading, that I have spent more of my life, a nurse, than not. I'm 54, and I've been a nurse 32 years. I've been able to help so many, but feel like I can't reach through here and help you. If you have ANY questions, please don't hesitate to call. In the meantime, I'll be praying and lighting candles for y'all.

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  17. Still sending my love, prayers, and best wishes your way! I hope that you are finding the strength that you need to get through this very difficult time, and I hope that you are taking just a small bit of time for yourself! Lana you are stronger than most people I know!!

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  18. Lana,

    I check every single day for an update, to find out how both of you are doing. It broke my heart to read about his reaction to the PEG tube, mostly because I knew it was coming but I at least had small hope before than that the response would be different. I second what someone else said about seeing a counselor to get through this, it could benefit you both to be able to deal with the changes you are going through. I feel so terrible for Henry and my only hope is that someone is able to help him understand that these changes; these ugly visual reminders of what has been done to his body; I just hope someone can get through to him and help him realize this is just temporary until he is healed and not to give up just because it looks bad, really really bad right now.

    I don't think I am alone when I say that we cannot wait to start hearing the good news, the good reports, and the triumphs you two experience out of this. It has to seem like those are far and few in between right now but you have had them.

    So much of what you are going through reminds me of when my Nephew was born unexpectedly with fanconi-anemia. I was afraid to go to sleep, I worried that when I woke up the next morning I would find out he had passed. I would walk past the baby nursery and see all those healthy babies and cry. Of all the things you could ever covet from another person, I could not imagine it would be a healthy baby.

    I am sharing that because I thought perhaps you could relate. Don't let the site of all the scary, icky medical stuff distract you and keep you from knowing that you two CAN overcome this and get past it.

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  19. Tell Henry to keep fighting....Lana continue being that strong backbone!!!!

    All of us are in the stands rooting for yall!!!!!

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  20. My only words for you today are that all my hopes, well wishes, positive thoughts and love are yours for as long as you need them. Praying, praying, praying.

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  21. Praying for you & Henry yesterday, today, tomorrow...every day. Remember, there is no manual for this ugliness. No one WANTS to know how this all 'works' unless they're forced to know. Stupidity is not the issue. Keep your chin up. Hugs♥

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  22. Lana, I was told to visualize wrapping myself with white light, take deep breaths, be still and never give up.

    Thoughts and prayers are with you, Henry, your family and friends.

    On a lighter note, your video of taking the remote and changing the channels on Henry had me laughing out loud. My husband will not let go of our TV remote. He thinks I'm going to "pull a Lana".

    Take care.
    MrsSuze51

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  23. Praying for you and Henry every day! Stay Strong!
    God Bless
    ~Tera D

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  24. I am so sorry. There are no other words. Keep your chin up. Keep loving one another... it is the one thing this monster can't take from you. You are in my thoughts daily.

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  25. Sending love and prayers every day!!! <333 Ria

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  26. Lana, You will learn about healthcare and how to take care of Henry just like you learned about other things that you love. You WILL find the strength to get through these times. I am certain of that! Your love and devotion will help Henry through this horrible time. He is LUCKY to have you, as you are lucky to have him! You will give him love, support, food, and the best care he could ever get! You are his love and you are who he needs with him. Until tomorrow my friend, I look forward to your posts. Prayers and thoughts are with you and Henry daily! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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  27. Be strong Lana. You only ever completely lose a battle when you stop fighting it. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Praying for you both as always.

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  28. I am so sorry Lana for all you and Henry have been through and for what is to come. I don't care what you say, you are STRONG!! The way you write is so moving and I can tell its helping you. Please do anything you have to, to get through this. You are both on my mind mind everyday. I'm sending you all the love and positive thoughts that I can muster.

    Peggy~

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  29. stay strong, love and hugs to you and your poor Henry.

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  30. I know you had another really rough day :( You are a great example to me of strength, Lana; I have faith in you! God bless you both & keeping you in my prayers always... xoxo

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  31. Dear Lana,

    Checking in daily and often several times per day to see the latest updates....WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!! WE ARE STRANGERS BUT WE ARE SO IN THIS WITH YOU, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT. FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.

    LOVE YOU.

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  32. Dear Sweet Lana, My heart just breaks for you and Henry. You are going through hell on earth. I'm praying for you both, day and night. May God surround you with strong Healing and comforting angels. God bless you both. I wish I could reach through the computer to give you a hug. Hang on Lana. As the old adage goes--It is always darkest before the dawn. May the Peace and Power of God's love, hold you close until Henry is healed. With love,~Marilyn

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  33. God bless you and your husband Lana... I'll keep the prayers coming.
    Lots of love -leslie

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  34. Dear Lana and Henry,
    i have never wrote, but I have read. Read til my eyes were blood shot and my skin was raw from wiping the tears away. I have prayed and CRYED out to god for you and Henry until my throat ached. I just want you to know I will continue! I have never read anything so riveting as your words! May God provide you with strength, Henry with healing,and the Doctors with knowledge, God Bless you and Henry! With love, Mary

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  35. Dear Lana, I'm so sorry you and Henry have to go through this. Try to take it one day at a time and focus on Henry getting better through this treatment. You are very brave and strong - an inspiration to us all.

    Love Sue

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  36. Dear Lana I continue to pray for you and Henry ...I know this is so not the journey you had planned on taking in life ...They say if God brings you to it , he will bring you through it ..I know those are just words and hard ones at that to understand and to not question. I don't know if you are going with your 2nd opinion Doctor or the 1st but I am sure you both made the right decision. Please try so hard to have Faith ...I know right now it seems the world has just covered you up and part of you is mad as well as you should be. Hopefully once he gets some food in his system he will feel some better and the treatments will do their job and things will be better. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I love you dearly. Susie ~

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  37. Lana, I just want to tell you I'm saying prayers and sending you both my love. I also want to tell you a bit about my Dad and what he went through. When he went through chemo and radiation, he got quite depressed. He wanted to give up. He'd become paranoid something bad would happen to my mother if she left the house. She had to keep on talking him out of these moods and trying to get him through it. He did get better and he did come out of the depression, but my mother was exhausted and worn out. If I were going through this, I would ask about anti-depressants, if its possible during treatment. Sounds horrible but it may help. My father was never offered it so he didn't know..but I read you can take them during treatment. Maybe something to find out about?
    God Bless you both
    Charlene (5995char)

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  38. still keeping you and your husband in my prayers everyday. Stay strong, the both of you. Faith and love heal all.

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  39. the whole story of this today sleighed me, but when he said "sorry" i totally lost it. I heard that too. so many times...

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  40. Lana, all that medical stuff is not something we ever want to learn! You are among more that don't know what to do than do. Sending you love and prayers, and then more love and prayers!

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  41. I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through all of this. Please know that I think of the two of you often throughout each day, and say a little prayer. Big hugs.

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  42. Lana, you and your husband are always in my thoughts and pryers! I hope this pain will go away soon, and both of you will be able to go back to the life you had!
    <3

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  43. Lana, it must feel like a whole other planet - new sights, new rules, new gadgets, and learning to breathe all over again. Sending immeasurable love and prayers to you, for your strength and for Henry's healing. Please think about talking to someone - for YOU. This is brutal. Take every bit of support you can. Huge hugs, Tammy

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  44. Lana,

    You are a lot stronger than I could ever hope to be. I don't know how you do it. I know you must feel like you have the weight of the world sitting right on your shoulders. I think you should find something to lose yourself in. It helped me. I lost myself in books. Magical, mythical, could never happen in real life, books. Maybe writing this blog does it for you. I hope so. I hope you find something. Dealing with this must be so overwhelming; and even though you probably think you're not going through anything like your husband is...you are. You are having to carry this on your shoulders: the worry, the panic, being strong, being his number one caretaker. You deserve to slip away every once in a while..even if it's only through the words of a book. I'm praying for you.

    Henry,

    You must be so tired. You have to stay strong and keep fighting. You can do it.

    Prayers and Love always,
    KS

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  45. Lana-When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
    Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons. Much love to you Lana-your husband is in good hands.

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  46. Lana, sending you all the love I can possibly think to you and Henry. I know it is so hard. And you are hurting so much, mentally and physically. Take good care of your sweet self. I realize this is next to impossible under the circumstances. Lots of caring and love is being sent your way. Love, Connie

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  47. Don't know what I did to send this from my blog, hanging loose is a hulagirl10.

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  48. Lana,
    You are an amazing woman who has a wonderful man. Please don't call yourself stupid. You will learn about healthcare and become a pro at it. You will take the best care of Henry. I look at your blog every day waiting for an update, hoping and praying for you both. Tomorrow, I am heading to Venice, and I am going to attend a mass at Basilica di San Marco in honor of you and Henry. Offer up as many prayers as I can of healing and strength. At each church we can go into I plan to light a candle as well. I wish I could do more for you both. Huge hugs and prayers of miracles.

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  49. Ciao Lana,

    Just stopping into see if you updated and I am happy to see that you did. I am always thinking of you and your husband and always keeping you both in my prayers as each day arises.

    Stay strong my dear friend... I know that it's difficult, but please stay strong. You are doing an awesome job so far!!

    "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galations 6:9-10

    Keeping you in my prayers as always!!!

    Sending you lots of Hugs & Kisses
    Love,
    Shelley
    xXx

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  50. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you both a hug. Still keeping you in my thoughts. I check your blog at least two times a day to see if you've updated.

    Oye. Those feeding tubes. They are ugly. The good thing is you can cover them up. Don't let it scare you. Once you learn what you're doing they are super easy to use. I hope the hospital has set you up with a nutritionist. Ask to speak to one if they haven't. This will help you so much.

    My love to you both.
    Kim

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  51. Lana, I finished chemo the end of Jan. and still have my port. I'll keep it for at least two years, maybe longer. It is a God send. It makes it so easy to get blood drawn and to have CT/PET scans. Chemo wrecks your veins, so the port is much better. You'll notice that the top of the port has three little bumps. They will give you numbing cream to put on the port about one hour before chemo. The nurse puts in needle that has dangling plugs for hooking up the chemo tubes that is then hooked it up to the IV pole. It's an easy procedure and doesn't hurt.

    As for the feeding tube, I'm a retired special education teacher and I have had preschoolers with feeding tubes. They did very well with them and even went out on the playground and ran and played with them in. As far as I know, they have special nutritional liquids that are using for feeding. They are high in protein. Be thankful for this tube, because it will keep your husband strong.

    The Power Port and Feeding Tube are positive things.

    Bless You Both,
    ~elaine~

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  52. Oh, I can totally relate to Henry saying sorry. At one point, during my diagnosis of stage IIIC ovarian cancer my husband got really shaky and I thought he was going to have a panic attack. I was actually strong, but then I felt so sorry for him that I said, "I'm so sorry to put you through this."
    ~elaine~

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  53. keep the strenght, keep the love, keep the faith!!! you will win!!! your dear husband will be healthy again! keep the faith! we are all here to send you love and strenght, our prayers are with you and your lovely husband! he will heal! God is listening to all of our prayers, keep the faith and be strong!

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  54. Don't let that machine intimidate you... its the lifeline that will nourish his body and hopefully he will not lose any more weight... there are lots of good supplements out You will be also trained on how to flush the g tube and insert his meds through the tube..you will have to change the bottle or bag once its empty... always use your gloves and wash your hands before and after the procedure. you will have to keep the area cleansed with normal saline and dress the site with guaze and tape around it very important to keep the area cleaned so there will be no infection. This is one more hurdle for you to go through were all here for you.. if you ever need me I am just a mouse click away. God Bless Natalie

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  55. Thinking of you both and wishing things better for you. What an awful time you are both going through.
    Carole x

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  56. Who could fail to be moved by your posts, Lana. Your husband loves you and hates putting you through this thing - the same as you would be if your roles were reversed: that's why he said he was sorry. God bless you both. Lou xxx

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  57. Lana these are the times that test a persons very soul. Every day I come and read your blog and shed tears knowing the depth of your pain.

    Although it's been since Dec '08, this brings back memories of my brothers throat cancer surgery as if it were yesterday. His was a recurring throat cancer that after being in remission for over 10 yrs came back with a vengeance. I know they say that you only have one chance at radiation and that's not really true, after his surgery he was hit hard with a second round of 13 weeks radiation, & 10 weeks chemo. His neck and throat were fried, but my brother is alive and thriving and is living proof that there's not only hope but that God definitely works miracles.

    Lana your love for Henry will give you the strength you need to get through this. Every day after you pull those big girl panties on you need to look yourself in the mirror & scream & yell if you have to but tell yourself WE CAN DO THIS!!!!. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS & YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BEAT ME!!!!

    Then put on your face, get dressed & show this bastard that you mean business!

    Think back on your video where you imitated another youtuber and smeared makeup all over your face. I'll bet you could come up with a awesome parody of Lucille Ball applying makeup to get you & Henry to laugh.......laughter and a sense of humor can be the best medicine during this.

    Just know your never far from my thoughts or prayers......

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  58. Dearest Lana, This is one hell of a ride that life is taking you on and you just have to be determined to stay strong and in one piece for when you can get off at destination 'normal'. You can do it Lana, you can do it and don't think anything else, not for a second! Henry is weak and in a lot of pain and you are going through that with him, hurting for him but you have the very best material to aid recovery - your LOVE for one another. Love is something very powerful Lana, it feeds our spirit, it feeds our determination, it helps us be who we are and YOU dear Lana are one very strong and loving woman. We are all praying for both of you, that you get through this, that your spirit doesn't break. It mustn't Lana, your spirit will take a bashing but don't let it break. Too many people love you, too many people are cheering you and Henry on.......warm hugs sweetheart, Leyla xxxooo

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  59. Lana, thanks for the update, I think of you and Henry every day and I pray for you. I pray that you will find the strength to support Henry in his fight.

    I understand that it must be so hard for you to see Henry in pain and suffering, but I know you are a strong women and you and Henry will get through this.

    Lean on the people that love you Lana, don't be afraid to lean on others when you need to. I think it's a strength to be able to ask for help when you need it, you don't have to do this alone. We are all cheering you and Henry on.

    Listen to this beautiful song http://youtu.be/wJZ3bcPr-Ds

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  60. Why.. I want to scream with you... WHY!! I wish I could take even one moment of pain away... if we could all just share one moment of pain and take that away... in our hearts we are doing that. You are so loved.. Henry is so loved... hang in there, I don't know how but hang in there my dear sweet friend... and know that I am thinking of you every single day and Praying, Praying, Praying for Henry.

    Love, V~

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  61. Dear Dear Lana and Sweet Henry..there will be days (and nights) like this one. However you two are strong people who love each other dearly and with the grace of God, you will be able to get through it. Am a little confused as I thought from the last post there was a different path to follow though I understand we aren't privy to all the info. Thank you for being so open with us and sharing your lives with us. Sending positive thought and many many prayers. God Bless.

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  62. Lana....If you do not understand ANYTHING, ask and ask and ASK questions. Dr. are not Gods. You are paying them. You have a right to understand what is happening and they have any obligation to help you understand what is happening. So ask ask ask until you truly understand. Make them draw pictures if you have to. It is your right!

    Also you and your husband may find it helpful to find survivors of the same diseases or procedures. They can give you helpful information and let you know how they got thru it and how they live day to day now.

    My prayers are with ya'll.

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  63. Lana, every night I wake up in the middle of my sleep and pray for you and your husband. Believe it or not. Keep fighting. Thank God you have the money to cover lots of those things. I'm in the group of those who can't afford a basic health plan. Imagine what would happen to my family if cancer gets one of us. We have to look back and be thankful for EVERYTHING because there is always someone in a worse condition. You will get through this with God's help. Don't lose your faith.

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  64. "To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first."
    William Shakespeare

    Keep climbing Lana!
    G_d blesss!

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  65. One day at a time. Now that Henry has the feeding tube he can get precious vitamins and minerals he has lost. One day at a time.

    Lori

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  66. Love and prayers and positive energy for you and your husband. Hugs!

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  67. Lana,
    I am including a link to a song called Blessings that was written by a woman named Laura Story. Her husband is currently fighting brain cancer. She wrote this after his diagnosis. Every time I hear it I think of you and Henry. I suggest you take a listen. I think it will speak to you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGmKC34UZ68

    Still praying...

    PomMomLisa

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  68. Lana, don't feel stupid because you don't understand what it is you're supposed to do. I was the same way with my Mom. Just know that the feeding tube will help him. It might not look pretty, but try and think of it as a lifeline. I had to learn, too. But if I can do it, anyone can. Your post today made me cry because I remember all the procedures and ordeals Dad went through. And he got through it. He ended up with more energy than I had! He'd mall walk, do gardening, got back to his life. I can't tell you it's going to be easy or pretty. It won't. But it will end and you'll look back on this time and wonder how you got the courage and strength to go on. But you will. Someone, and I can't remember who, once said something like "To get the rainbow, you have to go through the storm." Oh Lana and Henry, we're all here praying for you guys. We love you and know all will be well. I'm hoping God wraps his arms around you and gives you a big hug. I'm sending you light, laughter, twinkles, sparkles, pixie dust, confetti and love. God Bless You both. Take care...

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  69. THOSE TWO 'THINGS' Let it heal and nourishment, not seeing them as 'ugly'. is temporary, even if difficult to accept just did. Food, sleep time (which allows the body to regain her strength and mind to pause) and so tenaciously for the next settimame. It 'one thing through which you must pass, but not definitive. It will be your 'everyday' to provide the best to facilitate them in the period of chemotherapy. Stay strong and your purpose in combattiva.Decisa beat the bastardo.Un hug them both. Lisa (Italy)
    (sorry for the basic english ... use the translator ...)

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  70. Still praying for you and Henry. HUGS

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  71. Thinking of you both and praying for you. Lit a candle for you yesterday. xx

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  72. Sweet Lana, you may not realize it, but you were put into your husband's life for a reason. I hope you realize what a bright light and source of love and inspiration you are to him, and to the rest of us. You WILL find the strength and help to get through this. Please know that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and your husband.

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  73. Wow! Look at all the awesome information and support. Lana, don't ever feel alone, just stop by here to have your emotional cup filled. We are all here for you with prayers, support and information.

    Love you guys

    Lana and Henry's candles, please stop by and light one:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  74. Dear sweet Lana and Henry, I have no words for what you are both going through at this moment. Know that you are loved and feel the comfort of words. Stay strong please.
    Biggest hug from Amsterdam
    xxxJulia

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  75. What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you!
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    More hugs from Canada

    (((((( Lana&Henry))))))

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  76. Jeez Lana, this is so painful to read and yet I cannot stop myself. You have a gift for writing and your daily updates, full of emotions, break my heart. We are complete stangers, you in Indiana and I, in Montreal. We don't know each other except through YouTube and yet through your writng you have found a way to touch my heart as well as many others, I'm sure. I hope you have support from family and friends because you're the one who's about to break down. Let others help you out or accompany you. You need a shoulder to lean on. I sincerely hope that a light will appear soon because this is an awfully long tunnel... My thoughts are with you. Francine131313

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  77. Thinking of you both so very much. If anyone can get through this difficult time, it's the two of you. Many good thoughts going your way.

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  78. I want you to know that I just prayed, I asked for this unwelcome stress can rain on me and this nightmare will be less frightening for you both God Bless you Both and Lana and Henry x x x

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  79. God Bless you two...will continue to pray for you both daily...Remember...you are not alone.

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  80. Lana, I found this book last year but it was so expensive then I couldn't afford to buy it. I'm sharing this link with you because If I were in your situation I would want anyone who knew about it to share it with me. It's called The Dr. Who Cures Cancer. http://thedoctorwhocurescancer.com/

    They say he has cured people even with stage IV cancer. I hope you get it and at least read it to see if it could help.

    I've been watching your videos on YouTube for awhile and reading your blog since you started it. I have had cancer myself but I cannot imagine what you are going through. I was one of the lucky ones who survived so far. I have one more year to be considered cancer free and it can't get here fast enough for me. I really hope that God will be with you both and see you through this horrible ordeal to a wonderful end. Always keep hope and always pray. God has said, "you have not because you ask not" so ask Him for healing and strength and grace to endure this hard trial you are going through in Jesus name. Many miracles have been done in His name and they are still being done today. Don't give up or give in. Keep fighting whatever you do and may God bless you both.

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  81. Dear sweet Lana,

    I know you and your beloved Henry are heartbroken as you both go through this ordeal.

    And, I know you are Roman Catholic - I remember you on your youtube chanel showing your beautiful clothes before you head out to mass.

    Please prayer the Rosary....keep it with you and use it. Soothing, active prayers and something for the mind (and body-your fingers) to do, sweetheart! SHE listens!

    - Louise

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  82. I have been reading your thoughts from the first day you told us about Henry. Each time I prayed things will get better. This latest update made me cry. What do you say to the very one who has been your Rock all these years? You are now his Rock. He is a very lucky man to have you Lana...stay witty for him. He knows how much you love him, and I'm sure he is more scared than you. Let him know that there are those who don't know him, and will be praying each and every day. Much aloha ~dee~

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  83. You guys will get through this!!!! DONT GIVE UP! Reading ur story makes me want to cry too but I'M PRAYING FOR YOU!!!

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  84. Lana I can't help but read this and cry for you both. I will continue to pray for you guys. It breaks my heart but I am glad you have this place to let out your fears and thoughts so you can be his strength. We are all here for you.

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  85. Oh Lana..I am so sorry..I pray for you two every day. May God give Henry and you strength to win this battle...Things like what you are going through are life changers. I know from experience but you will make it somehow...Keep strong...

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  86. Dearest Lana,
    Please know that I am praying for you. I awoke this morning (4 a.m. CST) thinking of you and your husband and prayed for you both. I read your post of your fearful dream. I think I know what your failure was. Please contact me at alwayswrite1@gmail.com if you would like to know. My name is Kathleen and I do subscribe to your youtube channel.
    With Much Love,
    Kathleen

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  87. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you and Henry.

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  88. Poor Henry, I hope all these procedures are worth it in the end! You are both very brave people (even if you don't agree), it takes guts to go through physical and emotional pain like that and hopefully you'll be thankful for all the decisions you made. Cancer doesn't stand a chance with him; Henry has great doctors, great friends, great support and an angel to take care of him. Don't give up on life, this is a challenge, you both can surpass it! Never give up!

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  89. Lana, in my thoughts and prayers as your Husband.
    God Bless you both.
    DeDe

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  90. Just stopping by to let you know I'm here. Lit another candle and prayed.

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  91. Lana- one day at a time. And sometimes - one hour at a time. All your pain brings back the memories of when my husband was first diagnosed. Looking at his body covered with marking for his radiation, holes, ports, catheters, nephrostomy tubes and my tears. Please know things will get better- they are going to be fighting this fuckin' cancer. Think of all the miracles- and how Henry will be a miracle, too!
    Enjoy holding his hand, hearing him, touching his feet in bed with yours. Take each minute of good and savour it.

    Wishing you much love and strength.
    Weezie 1957
    xooxoxoxoxoxoxox

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  92. Pray. Never give up hope. Love each other, lay close together and talk about the things you do not want to say, things you've meant to say, what needs to be done. And if you want to be alone together, don't be afraid to let folks know that you need rest. People with colds, coughs really should not visit. It's hard work to put up a good front when all you want to do is rest your body, your heart and soul.

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  93. Sending love, love, and more love.

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  94. Checking on you, sweet Lana....sending prayers of hope and miracles your way.

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  95. Just know, I love you both and will continue to pray for you....

    PLEASE, Lana...Don't be too proud to ask for something for your nerves if you need it. NO ONE could get though this without SOMETHING to calm them.....Like with Henry, taking his pain meds will help him heal far more quickly than without it -- so will something to take YOUR edge off help YOU to heal more quickly...Don't be afraid to ask, promise?

    XXXOOO to you both!!

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  96. ...I was walking my pooch on the beach tonight, and I saw a shooting star--this was the first time in my life I had ever seen one, and instantly in my head I heard.."When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true" I wished for health and strength for you and your family. Of all of the people on earth, it breaks my heart that you have to go through this. I think of you and your husband several times each and every day. Hold on to each other tight and fight like hell to overcome this awful time. You have so many people praying and hoping for you...and even one small town girl in Nova Scotia wishing on shooting stars=) You are so loved, I hope that gives you a small reason to smile today =)

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