Wednesday
7:30 p.m.
Each day is getting more brutal.
My husbands throat is sore and bleeding again.
His neck is red and looks like he was beat with a red hot poker.
Bright Red and looks mean.
We were told two weeks from today is the last radiation treatment (Unless something goes awry)
That's 10 more days of Radiation.
It's getting more and more difficult as each day goes by. A simple sip of water is like entering the gates of hell.
I have never known anyone so brave in my life.
All of my friends and everyone I know. Family. Everyone. They all tell me I have been amazing thru this. I haven't been. I cringe inside when they say that to me. How do you respond?
What do you say? "Thank You?"
No.
I have just done exactly what I know he would have done and would do for me if the situation was reversed. "Til Death do us Part. For Richer and For Poorer.
In Sickness and in Health."
Tonight.
Tonight was the worst day of all.
My husband looked me in my eyes. Looked at me all the way down to my soul and whispered out one simple question.
"Am I dying?"
I can't write more. Tears and anguish. Fear. Heartache.
Tears.
NO. He is fighting for his life back, its not the same. He can win.
ReplyDeleteOh Lana. I really don't know what to say. Maybe this is your rock bottom and it only can get better from here. Maybe I can say no your are not dieing it just feels that way. But I don't have all the answers and I don't think anyone really does. Go back down the clock again to the beginning... Just let me get through the next 5 minutes. Now try for 30 minutes. Next onto an hour. And hopefully this dip will pass. Make your time goal SMART. Simple. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Time bound. This way you will succeed and before you know it the day will have passed. Take your moment away to recharge you need it now and for later. I've seen that beautiful pool so screw the hair, screw the make up and go out there and just float. Hear the silence. Feel the weighlessness and just empty yourself (not drown yourself lol). I can't promise but I can almost guarantee you will feel just little bit better. Then go back in and Hug Your Man. XO
ReplyDeleteLana, you are so strong!
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad :(
*hugs*
And he isn't dying, it's just the process of what you have to go through to live. It's hard, but it's worth it in the end.
Only 10 days, Lana! I know it feels like forever away, but just take each day at a time and don't think of the days in bulk...just each day at a time.
~hugs~
Ijust wish I could hug you both. I am praying for Gods strength and His peace for you both right now.
ReplyDeleteLove and cyber hugs Lana.
Sandee
Love you and Henry so so so much! I'm pushing out the positive vibes and healing energy with everything I got. Your cyber girlfriends are all here for you and are holding your hand, hugging your shoulders and loving you each and every second. Hugs you tight xxxxx Eva
ReplyDeleteHe's so close to finishing his treatment, I know it must be pure hell right now (For the both of you). But please remind Henry that every day he goes through is a day closer to it being finished, and him being able to move on and get back to the things he enjoys in life.
ReplyDeleteYou may not like people telling you that you are strong Lana.. but you know that some people just crack when times get rough. They get divorced because of stress or just take off. You never did that your right by your mans side and he will never in his life forget that you were his rock when he needed you most.
xoxoxox
Mel
In a moment like that none of us can say anything to ease the pain and fear but the good thing about moments is they can pass. Sometimes the best thing you can do for fear is acknowledge it, let it have it's moment and then let it go about it's merry way. The key is to let it go. Cry if you need to but then don't let fear stay. It is not a kind friend and it will never serve you well. You and Henry are both strong and fighters. I have seen every single one of your videos and have read every Blog post. Lana, it is ok to be afraid , I say that to both of you in fact. Fighters look at their fear, they acknowledge it and then flip it off and kick it in the ass for good measure. You and Henry do this every single day simply by continuing each day to fight. You both have courage that is both humbling and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteall our love to you
Fear is an enemy remember that.
Heather
This is a note to God, (I don't mind writing to him in public, I talk to him out loud at the supermarket these days)
ReplyDeletePlease God, I know you hear me, I know you do, please please,
give me a word for Lana, I want to give her a word that will help see her through the next minute...
Oh sweet Lana, I am so sorry for this. I recall this when my mother said it to me and the look in her eye. Iam keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteIts so hard right now but you are strong and you can do 10 more days, it will soon pass, every minute takes you closer to the completion of this nightmare. Hang on it will pass then he will start to recover his strength. Often in life you have to go through hellish stuff to appreciate whats at the end of it.
ReplyDeleteHang on, it will soon be over.
To have the love you have for eachother is a wonderful thing. Carole x
Dear Lana,
ReplyDeleteHenry is so close to finishing his radiation treatment,so stay strong,Lana.Henry is going through his worst nightmare just now but it will get better.It all starts with baby steps,baby steps all the way until finally you have kicked that cancer with so much radiation it will be gone from Henry's throat and he can begin to regain his good health and vitality.
Michael Douglas beat this throat cancer and Henry is going to be cured too!
I feel your pain and fear,Lana.It is a living hell for you just now.Please cry if you need to as it does help.Henry will soon be over the worst of the treatment and then he can have you help him to recover his strength and good health again.You are his rock,so know that we are all praying for Henry to be cured.Lots of love to you both.Sending healing thoughts your way. Big hugs,Julia xxxx xxxx
Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either. ~Golda Meir
ReplyDeleteSending you our best wishes & healthy vibes.
It has been done before & Henry will get it done again!
Much love,
mqs
Dearest Lana,
ReplyDeleteNothing, nothing worse than watching someone you love in pain. Keep on keepin on. One day, one hour, one minute at a time ........... we are all praying for you and Henry. The side effects are grueling, the benefits are miraculous! I look at mom and see a 90 lb women who has survived chemo, radiation, heart valve replacement (result of radiation), and on and on. Guess what Lana, she thinks it was all worth it. Henry will too..... xoxoxoxox
I have asked people the same question, "Am I going to die?" Noone said I would die and I didn't, but I sure felt like death was knocking down the door.
ReplyDeleteYou have some very wise and caring friends here, Lana. At this time in your lives, it's a moment at a time and nothing more...
You are LOVED!
You tell him no, you are FIGHTING!! WE are FIGHTING!!
ReplyDeletePoor Henry. Not until the Lord is ready to receive him. These days we feel that we have so much technology and so many choices that we can choose when---and even if---we die, but, in the end, we are on His schedule, not our own. Take it one step, one breath, at a time. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...
ReplyDeleteDearest Lana,
ReplyDeleteHow heartbreaking it must have been for you to have to hear those words & see the fear in your husbands face.Please don't allow negative thoughts to even enter your mind. I know it's hard but positive energy will give you the strength to get through this. Still sending my daily prayers for you & DH ((((hugs)))).
Oh, Lana ~ I hate it so much that you and Henry are in this nightmare. I send you both much love...
ReplyDeleteMary Sue
Lana and Henry:
ReplyDeleteYoure both in my prayers. Please stay strong. There are so many across the world that know your story because of this blog. We are all rooting for you. Praying for you. I am in Seattle washington and one of my oldest and dearest friends now lives in south africa. She and I have read various entrys of Lanas since shes had this blog, but now, since she began pouring out her heart about this struggle you both face--we never miss an entry. We always read and talk about how strong you are. How funny Lana is, and how witty you come across, Henry. And we both pray for you. Keep the love and again keep strong. Go deep inside where the very core of your being is and anchor yourself there.
tear*
ReplyDelete{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}
PomMomLisa
Lana, I want to reach through cyberspace and hug you. I have no words of wisdom. I will not pretend to have been there or to know truly what you are experiencing. But I want you to know I am thinking of you both and holding you in my heart. Your light shines so brightly, and your heart is beautiful. -- Slade.
ReplyDeleteMay God give you strength and guide you.
ReplyDeleteHey lana love u sooo sooo much i pray for you and your husband everyday! We miss you on youtube !
ReplyDeleteDear Henry and Lana,
ReplyDeleteSending prayers and love to you both. Cancer treatment takes people to the edge, no question. The very edge of human tolerance and frailty and fear. Keep holding on to one another as you fight your way back. ~Tammy
*Hugs* I can't even imagine what ya'll are going through right now. Keep fighting the good fight. Every day is a new victory. Every day is one more day together. So to answer the question, no, he's not dying. As long as you two have the fight in you, he's not dying.
ReplyDeleteDear Lana,
ReplyDeleteTonight I want to wrap you and your husband in my arms and rock you to sleep. If I could wave a magic wand and make everything better, I would. But all I can do is send my love. I'm loving both of you with all my heart. Just know that if a could hold your hands and look in your eyes and cry with you, I would. Blessings, my dear.
Love,
Sherie
Love you Lana.
ReplyDeleteThis is the worst time in both of your lives right now, it can ONLY get better my friend. Only 10 more days of pure Effing hell! My husband deployed a few months ago, and I counted the days when he left to when he would be back..and I sat there,tears streaming down my face and I said "Only XXX Days until my husband comes back" (200 and some odd days)...Now..Im at less than 50days!!! You and Henry have just 10 more days of this and then it should be done! Right? Just count down those days. On your calender just put big X's over the days every night. Soon there will be 10 X's and you can rip the damn calender up and throw it away. Those days will be behind you! I always say "Just X more sleeps until ______".
ReplyDeleteHenry is NOT dying. He is fighting to live!! When this is all over,and you can snuggle up to your husband and relax,or go to that fancy french restaurant, you both will be so glad you BOTH fought so damn hard! I am praying for you Lana. Just 10 more X's on the calender! Or 10 more Sleeps!! Im praying for you to have the strength,and for Herny to keep fighting. Lots of love..and even more prayers!
Oh Lana and Henry, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers continue to be sent. Lots of love and hugs to you both.
ReplyDeleteLana those treatments for this horrible disease take you right to the edge of your endurance and you question how much you can take. When the pain and suffering are unbearable he is able to turn to you and ask the hardest questions of life. You are his lifeline and the one he is holding on for. I pray for you to have comfort and strength enough for you both. Your beautiful eyes must be looking at him with such care and concern. It must be beyond hard to even hear the thoughts he is thinking verbalized. Love to you and praying for his ability to endure a few more days and then have some time for his poor sick body to regain some strength. Love to you both. Connie
ReplyDeleteLana, Just tell Henry he is not dying but fighting to live. Do not give up the fight. help him fight. Only two weeks to go. I know it seems like an eternity. It will get worse before it gets better but that's what the fight is about. In the end it will all be worth it, for each other. Love & Hugs. . . Vickie ♥♥
ReplyDeleteLana, you ARE strong, lots of people don't stay and fight with their loved ones, they don't stay and give support. You and Henry have a strong love for each other and that will help you fight the cancer. All my love to you Lana, I send you warm hugs and I keep you and Henry in my prayers every day.
ReplyDeleteLana and Henry be strong. My heart and thoughts to both of you. Louise xo
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart....I feel helpless as I don't know the words to comfort you however I know this....I can pray. I will pray for you and Henry.
ReplyDelete~ Kim
i hate to hear you like this lana, it truely breaks my heart. but just know that you and your husband will get through this! you also shouldn't be so hard on yourself all the time, you've been doing a fantastic job for your husband. remember, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it! my love goes out to you and your husband <3 stay strong! xoxo
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks and so does the treatment. Makes me mad as hell-you and Henry do not desevere this! NO ONE DOES! 10 more days-will be marking them off my calendar! You & Henry ROCK & RULE! :) Hang in there big guy! Much love
ReplyDeleteFather please give Henry strength, comfort and paeace as he continues his fight. Please give Lana the right words to say to her husband and help her to draw on her inner strength to carry them both thru this. Please father give the doctors and nurses wisdom and superior skills to help Henry thru his treatment. I lift them all up in your name...amen
ReplyDeleteOh Lana, dearest Lana.... This is one of those times when you think you are at your limit but you will find a way to cling on - adversity will bring out the fighter in you more and more. Hang on Lana, tell Henry to hang on tight and see this through. Lana, when my mother asked me the same question, I asked her if the answer would make a difference. She knew what I meant and she decided to fight with us, for us. The rest you know.
ReplyDeleteI keep saying it to you Lana, I'm like a stuck record, but it gets worse before it gets better. Henry is in agony and this is so difficult for him and probably more for you, to witness your strong and usually stalwart husband suffer. He just has to hang on in there for a little while longer, the road is rocky and a little inclined but it will soon get smoother and even. Have faith Lana, have faith both of you please. I love you.
Leyla xxxooo
Sweet Lana I know this is all taken its toll on you ......I wish I could send you a ginormous hug .....Tell Henry no he is not dying he is fighting to Live You and He are both fighting and not to give up . I love you dearly....Susie
ReplyDeleteNo, he is not dying, he is just fighting very well and brave so you two can be fabulous and happy again! You two are strong enough to fight it!
ReplyDeleteKisses from Russia <3
I am so sorry you two are going through all this, sweet Lana. Love and Healing to you both xxx
ReplyDeleteMy dad was in hospice when he asked me that question. At first I was tempted to tell him, 'Everything will be fine, Dad, don't worry'. But something stopped me from saying that. Instead, I realized that, in a sense, we are all dying, and that this moment, right now is all that any of us can count on. So, with that thought in mind, I spent the remainder of the time I had here on earth with my dad getting him to focus on one thing each day that was positive. It could be a card from an old friend, a visit...even a cartoon in the newspaper or a flower I brought for him that day. We did a lot of talking about feelings, too. I felt he should be able to talk about his fears and not have someone dismiss them because it was painful for THEM. From what you said about Henry, he sounds a lot like my dad....stoic and strong. It's hard to see a guy like this in pain and vulnerable. My advise is to let him lead the discussions and give him something positive to focus on. Use this time to be close and cherish each and every moment you're together...in the end, it's all we have.
ReplyDeleteTears hugs support prayers and positive thoughts!
ReplyDeleteWe are here for YOU ..
ReplyDeleteMy heart broke into a million pieces reading this...so I cannot even begin to imgine how hard this has been on both of you. You and your sweet husband...your strength and love inspire me. My deepest and most heartfelt prayers go up to Heavenly Father daily. You have an army of prayer warriors fighting this fight with you. You are never forgotten and you are never alone ♥
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Lana ((((((Hug))))))) Hope the next 10 days go by quickly so that you and Henry can get busy with the recovery and normality. This will pass. Stay strong. Love Sue xxx
ReplyDeleteSending you prayers and Love.
ReplyDelete-Jen
Gosh Lana I am speechless i dont even know how to respond.... other than to say that i know how you feel. you want to do something and you cant... you want to make it better and you cant. Its so damn frustrating. I remember when my mom was sick it was heart wrenching as well. Many trips to hospitals in ambulances and helicoptors, hours of surgeries, lots of surgeries and visits to ICU and need of a heart and lung transplant. You dont know what to do with yourself you start to become robotic. You are screaming inside but you dont wanna let them know it because they hurt enough. You become so overwhelmed you wanna beat the hell outta something. I know all to well dear Lana. I had many of the same feelings and still do till this day even though my mom has been gone now for 7 years. I remember when she was last in ICU she was there for a month in a medically induced coma (thankfully she came of of that for 1 day so i could say goodbye) but during that last month i spent many many hours there breaking down in the family room, frustrated beyond words because i couldnt help her. All i could do was just be there and i wondered if she knew i was even there... except for the one bit of time she woke up. But i believe that she felt my presence all the while. Being there for your husband & going through all of this with him and holding his hand means the world I am sure of that much. I pray for Henry's healing everyday. Its ok to let go of the pressure Lana! We are all human and we all have a breaking point. I had some fun with plates once it was very liberating even if i had to use paper plates for a few days till i bought more :) Sending you many hugs, prayers and thoughts for healing of your dear sweet Henry. Anita (LaLaBella5a) Faith, Hope & Love
ReplyDeleteDEAREST LANA...REMEBER WHEN I SAID NOT TO LET FEAR WIN? WELL, YESTERDAY FEAR CAME TO VISIT ME. I HAVE TO TAKE TAMOXIFEN FOR 5 YEARS AND IT HAS A NASTY SIDE-EFFECT-BONE PAIN. I CRIED AS I SOAKED IN THE BATHTUB THINKING THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAND IT FOR 5 YEARS. BONE PAIN IS SO DEBILITATING.
ReplyDeleteBUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY. I WOKE UP TODAY WITH BONE PAIN. I MOWED MY LAWN WITH BONE PAIN AND I EVEN WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH BONE PAIN.
WHAT'S MY POINT? I'M STILL HERE! I REFUSE TO QUIT,LET CANCER BEAT ME TO A PULP.
LANA, YOU'RE PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER. VICTORY! YOUR CARING FOR YOUR HUSBAND LIKE AN RN. VICTORY! YOU'RE YOUR HUSBAND'S ADVOCATE. VICTORY! YOU'VE TURNED YOUR HOME INTO A HOSPITAL. VICTORY! YOU MAKE YOUR APPOINTMENTS AND SHOW UP.VICTORY!
YOUR LIFE AS IT IS NOW IS A SERIES OF SMALL DAILY VICORIES THAT MAKE UP ONE BIG MIRACLE. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
FIGHT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF LOVE IN YOU. HE'S WORTH IT.
LOTS OF LOVE, NONI
When Dad had cancer, he once said "What did I do to deserve this?" I had to leave the room and cry for what seemed like hours over that. I came back and held his hand and told him I was so sorry. He said he didn't want me to feel sorry for him, but I did anyway. He later went on to recover fully, going back to his daily routine: mall walking, gardening, etc. I think he appreciated his life more, didn't take time for granted, the way some of us do. Lana, he was one of the very few people I've ever known who truly enjoyed their lives. Me? I have tons of regrets and wish someone would build a time machine so I could go back and do every single thing in my life over again. But he told me to be happy, enjoy life, don't take any guff from anyone and to stand up for myself. Many times your videos would give me a boost when I was so sad or lonely. You made me laugh, made me think about getting older, and you made me want to fight negative thinking and fight those pesky wrinkles! I will send you extra strength sparkles, twinkles, confetti, glitter, hugs and love today. God Bless You both, Lana. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE LOVED!!
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))) xxxxx
Lorrie~ your Viva Las Veags Friend!!
Lana,
ReplyDeleteThe answer to that question is simple - NO NO NO NO!!! He is going to fight with everything he has and so are you. So much love and so many prayers are coming your way he is going to get through this.
I am now going to read your newest post. I am hoping that this post will be better.
xoxoxoxoxo Kathy
Dear Lana this really breaks my heart. I am so sorry for you and Henry that you have to go through this all. A big well meant cyber hug from me
ReplyDeleteI am crying with you! All my prayers are with you and your husband. Hugs and more hugs!
ReplyDeletei remember when my mother tried to kill her self and she woke up in the hospital to say am i dead?>- then she looked at me and said ARE YOU DEAD TOO?- its something how some want to end it some want to fight!!- i pray he comes back 100% to you- xshelly- magicadespell56
ReplyDeleteNo, Henry. You are a Survivor. This is what that means. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel when everyone tells you your so brave. Your not the one going through all the tortue of the cure. I never felt brave, I just did what I could for my Mother. That's just what you have to do. Keep on helping your husband and just thank everyone quietly. I'm so sorry for all that Henry is going through. I can't imagine the tortue he feels. As to Henry dying you just look him straight in the eye and say NO! Your fighting this together. It's bad now but things will get better. Hugs and love to you both. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteLana, Just thinking of you and Henry and sending my love. xoxo Jeanie
ReplyDeletePopping in to leave you a message and let you know I am thinking of you. Many prayers & thoughts for healing of your dear sweet Henry and hugs to you. Faith, Hope & Love, Anita ( LaLaBella5a)
ReplyDeleteDearest Lana
ReplyDeletesending you love......and hope........
Diana xxxxxxxxxx
Thinking of you and Henry and praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGod Speed a healing to your Dear Husband~
xo