The Dreaded Tube~
Ugh. I could write a book about that freaking ugly tube.
It's nasty. How would you like to see food disappearing down a tiny tube into a hole punched into your stomach and the damned thing just dangles there like an appendage some alien life-form stuck to you but can not be removed. I know it is life-saving but I hate and more importantly, my husband despises it!
A LinCare representative came to our house in a van marked "MEDICAL SUPPLY" and backed into our drive-way. The young girl came in and gave me a lesson on how to feed my husband. Ha! I couldn't cook him a meal, how in the world am I going to feed him thru a tube?
It was a lot of information to absorb but you know what?
I did it!
One can yesterday at 375 calories, two cans today and 3 tomorrow until he is up to 2750 calories a day.
7 Cans a day.
7 Cans a day.
His taster has gone now. Everything tastes like plastic. His mouth has sores from the radiation. His salivary glands have completely left town.
Dry mouth. No taste, no appetite, no fun.
The PEG Tube will be a life saver down the road. It's ugly but necessary.
I think the hardest part of this for my husband is this:
This cancer has taken over his life. Completely.
This is a man that is President and CEO of a large successful company who has always had and been in control of everything in his life.
Now... Now he is or feels he has control of absolutely NOTHING.
He can no longer use his favorite deodorant. No mouthwash. His usual Crest Cinnamon toothpaste has been replaced by some nasty BioTene for dry mouth.
Say Bye-Bye to the Sonic-Care toothbrush. No more shaving. No aftershave. He is not allowed to drive and for him to have some woman... especially ME who is the world's worst driver on the planet drive him around is killing him. Now, he can no longer even eat a "Manly Meal" he has to be fed thru a hole in his stomach. It takes a toll on a man's pride. I know it's hard for him but better to suffer a bit of pride and still be here. Can I get an Amen!
I want to share with you a note to a dear friend.
All of you have been MY support and I LOVE each and every single one of you more than you will ever know.
I'm sorry we got cut off . The surgeon came out and it all went well but, ugh. It's just so sad. My big, strong, healthy husband with holes and tubes and blood and being so thin.
Why did I think I could shove a full course meal down that tube? I had dreams of making lasagna, soup, even chicken and shoving that stuff down a tube. Ha! It would be like going back to Dial-up Internet. Shoving a Grilled Cheese Sandwich thru a straw for a 100 miles.
LinCare (A Medical supply company) came yesterday and brought 2 cases of the "food" (2 cases 24 cans of canned liquid life), latex gloves, syringes, paper tape, etc. and showed me how to use it. I shudder to think about it. It looks like crap and smells even worse. UPS will deliver these supplies to us twice a month. I used to wait for UPS to bring me Christian Louboutin's ordered from Barney's , wonderful makeup and skin care from Lancome or FUN packages from from far off places...
How does a girl trade parties, French restaurants, trips, flights, shopping and luncheons, Chanel and FABULOUS for feeding tubes, syringes and bandages and blood and illness and mucus and food in a can?
I think God thought we were cruising, which we were, and put a giant speed bump in our path. NONE of those things are important, are they?
I mainly wanted to write to you and thank you for so much. For being here for me. For understanding. For being strong. For being YOU.
I finally got to the post office to check my mail there and found your beautiful gifts. I am excited to use that mask! It looks so relaxing. I am seriously thinking of having a wonderful glass of Australian wine and wearing that mask for the evening. Escaping.
Also, I have the NYX Jumbo in Milk on my eyes right now. It made me feel normal to wear it from YOU. The pink Yum lipstick is SO ME!!!
I love it! I love you.
I love everything and appreciated it more than you know. ooohhing and ahhhing over makeup gave me a sense of being ME again and I truly love you for giving me THAT! Let's see... Make up or bloody bandages. Yup. I'll take the makeup even if it's only a 5 minute reprieve.
When this is all over.... One of us is going to fly to meet for lunch. Right now, I fear even leaving the house for 30 minutes. I don't even know what it is I fear but I have this imaginary tether tied on me to him. Think I can save a life? No. But as I told him....
I am going to DRAG him thru this. It will NOT be pretty. In fact, it will most likely be very UGLY but drag him thru it I WILL!
We will come out of this on the other side. Neither of us will be pretty but like a soldier dragging the warring wounded to safety, that is what I will do. We may become bloody and bruised but we WILL get thru!
I woke up this morning and came to the realization that we are turning into a very old old couple.
George Clooney once said that "There is one year in a person's life that they age 10 years".... This, for us, is that year.
Love You Always