Sunday, September 4, 2011

Nothing Left Today

Sunday
Today,  I am writing this because I have a break. Two minutes.
 I have had so many notes and letters and calls wondering "Why no blog post?" 
"Is everything ok?"
No. Not really. It's not.


My husband is better one day and then bottoms out the next. Two trips to the ER. IV fluids every Thursday and blood work. 
Vomiting.
Diarrhea one day
Constipation the next.
Did I say vomiting? 
Anti-nausea meds and Murilax.
Which is it today? Vomiting.


Blood results call for blood transfusions.Hemoglobin is as low as it gets.
6-8 hours in the Emergency Room.
New blood. Thank You to whoever donated this blood. Who are you?


My Mother in law is dying.
My heart is breaking.
Will I ever stop crying?


I can't go next door to see her. I have nothing left. Zero.
I feel so guilty. My mother in law is like the mom I never had to me and I can't see her like this. I can't spare one second of heartache to give her? 
I feel so numb and empty today. Hopeless.


My son just called. His girlfriend left him. He told me he wants to starve himself to death.
I just hung up on him.  My heart is wrung out to the last drop.
Tomorrow will be better, right?





131 comments:

  1. Pretend this is me giving you one giant hug <3. All my love, prayers & thoughts.

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  2. Lana be positive and everything will turn around! Ur my idol and i pray for u everyday

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  3. Oh Lana, I was so excited when I saw your post on Twitter. For some reason I had a really postive feeling and thought it was going to be good news. After reading I see that it is NOT what I expected. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Your Mother in Law, son, and Henry. DO NOT feel quilty about your mother in law. I am sure, being a mother myself, that she would rather have you with her son. Taking care of him through this terrible time. That is what I would want. As for your son, I wish I could call him for you and tell him that losing his girlfriend may seem like the end of the world right now but it is not. He has to put things into perspective and realize that you are going through something so much worse. My son would not understand. You know that your son will be fine and not starve himself or do anything crazy. Thats just silly son talk! Unfortunatly you cannot be there for everyone. You love everyone and want to spread yourself around but in this case you just cant. NOTHING to feel guilty about my friend. You are NOT out shopping for Chanel's you are with your husband who needs you the most right now. My thoughts, prayers, love, and strength are with you right now. I wish there was something I could do to make all of this easier on you. Please Lana you are doing the best you can. You are only one person and you are dealing with all of this to the best of your ability. Stay strong my gorgeous friend. Stay strong! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Kathy

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  4. It does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise, I promise,I promise. It sucks right now. I tell ya, sucks big time. I am so very sorry you have to dealwith all of this, especially all at once. Lana, just take it a day at a time. Just get through one more day. No matter how bad it gets, it is not forever. The goal is to live through the day. You are doing the very best you can. You are human. Even if the day is horrible, you got through another way. Eventually, it will start to get lighter and better. I am so sorry for your struggles hon. xoxo Jeanie

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  5. Wish so much that there was better news. Praying for you and your family.

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  6. Dearest Lana, my heart aches for you. You feel so drained and unable to give more right now because you are such a loving and caring person. It is wonderful to be like that but it does drain you and you need to take care of yourself. What happens to Henry if you get sick? Don't feel guilty because you are not able to be all to everyone, they will survive and will even understand, if not right this minute then eventually. My love and prayers are with you.

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  7. Lana, you are doing the very best that you can. You have to call on other family members to help you look after your mother-in-law. You will make yourself ill; you just can't keep going. Your husband needs you to be well to help him. Call on other people to share the care. I see this every other day in my job and tell people the same thing. Reach out to other family members. Regards, Lee.

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  8. Hun, You only have so much of yourself to give and when it is gone you are left with how you are feeling now. You are wracked with guilt over not being able to be everything to everyone you love. No one can be that. There is only one of you. Send those you love some virtual light and hope when you think of them and then leave it at that. You need to focus a little on you right now. Your batteries need recharged. I know you feel like you have no time for you right now between ER trips, tending hubby and all that worry you are carrying around for everyone else but you really need to find little moments for just you. A nap, read something silly and non serious, your favorite treat, do your nails, call your best friend and try your darndest not to talk about all the painful stuff. Whatever it is doesn't matter, what matters is that you do it. If you give all of yourself away and never recharge, you are no good to anyone. Take care of you a little until you feel you can give again. Your family knows you love them and I am sure your son didn't intend to be insensitive. Give it a little time and when you feel you can, call him tell him you love him and let it be. Your mother in law knows you love her and when you have some of your old self back you can go to her. Let today be what it is and let the guilt go. Tomorrow may not be much better but soon, very soon you will see these days give way to the next as they always will. Leave the guilt it is a cancer of it's own.
    all our love to you
    Talerareniah aka Heather and Family.

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  9. Dear Lana,
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Life just seems so unfair sometimes. I will never take for granted my family's health and all we have. Thankyou for posting your journey.
    Love and hugs,
    Sandy

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  10. Don't you hate the expression that God never gives you more than you can handle? I always tell God I can't handle anything so to always remember that. I wish I could help in some way. All I can do is tell you that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I am. Promise.

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  11. Lana, you are so much stronger than I am. You are an amazing woman. Yall are in my thoughts everyday.

    Melsmic

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  12. Oh Lana my heart breaks for you. Lay these burdens in the lap of the Lord. This is where He will carry you through. He is our strength and our healer. Have faith Lana. Trust Him to handle this for you and get you through it. Big warm hugs to you my friend. We are all here for you. Vonee

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  13. My arms are around you Lana. Patti

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  14. Sounds you need some help. Do you have a home healthcare nurse? If now, sounds like you need to look into it. You shouldn't be trying to do all this alone. Does your husband not have any children, friends or family who could help you? If not, again, you need to get some outside help. I've been where you are with caring for a terninally ill person. You have to have help.

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  15. Dear Lana, There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said in the above comments. My heart aches for you and you need to take comfort in knowing your internet friends are all here with you in our thoughts and our prayers. Let people help you. You shouldn't be doing this alone. One of the (above) posts said your mother-in-law would want you to be there for your husband. She is right. You're only one person. You can't be everything to everyone. Right now, take care of your husband and YOURSELF. The rest will fall into place on it's own. Love and prayers to you, sweetheart, and of course to your husband.

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  16. Oh Lana, I am so sorry you're going through all this crap. All I can do is listen. I wish I could help. I do think that you need somebody else to help you and be there physically in person to help you through this. Do you have a family member or best friend to lean on? You need a break and some support.

    xoxo

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  17. God is our hope and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will we not fear, though the earth be moved, and though the hills be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof rage and swell, and though the mountains shake at the tempest of the same. There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
    --- Psalms 46: 1-4

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  18. Lana, you've probably had this said to you but here it is anyway:

    The Serenity Prayer

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    It's all you can do.

    Lou xxxx

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  19. Lana:

    Lou's prayer got me through a very stressfull time too. Without going into detail, it involved my wonderful Mother-in-law, husband and son.

    My Mother-in-law wanted me to concentrate on my husband and it gave her peace. I had to let friends and family help my son and I was there for my husband. There was no time to feel guilt. I made it through and so will you.

    Sending prayers and hugs.
    Love
    MrsSuze51

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  20. Lana I am so sorry to hear all this additional things are going on it seems it is tearing you into pieces ...and everyone says be strong and blah blah blah...be Lana and be the best Lana you can be that is all one can do. I know your heart is torn about your Mother in Law , just know what state her mind is in just remember that and perhaps you can check in on her when Henry is sleeping or having a "okay" time period. As for your son ...How dare him call and lay such stuff on you with what you are going through. We have talked before about our kids and how sometimes they just don't think , I don't think he will starve himself he might feel like it but I think he will pony up and be okay. Please take care of You I can't say that enough. Much Love to you ..Susie

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  21. Oh, Lana...I want this to be over for u so much. Thinking of you. Wishing you strength and peace. You are an inspiration.

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  22. It will get better Lana!
    It has too! Hang in there!
    ((huge bear hugs))

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  23. Lana....I'm crying with you girl. I wish this weren't God's will for you. Keep on walking forward even though you can't see what's ahead. As I have reminded you many times now, God's promise is that He is right there with you the whole way through. Don't give up. You can make it through this.

    <3 PomMomLisa

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  24. Lana, I just don't know what to say to make it better. I wish I did. I know how you feel. How things pile up on top of each other. One step forward and two steps back. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Please, please know things get better. I know we're all saying that, but really, it will get better. Things (good and bad) happen for a reason. Sometimes, we don't know what those reasons are, but some day we will understand. That's not what you want to hear right now, but God has a plan for each of us. Please know I'm still sending mega-strength twinkles, sparkles, glitter, confetti, hugs and love to you, Henry and your son. May God wrap you in His embrace and heal all of your pain. Take care...

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  25. Hoping things get better soon. Thinking of you...

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  26. Hi sweetheart, I know you are tired of carrying around this anxiety and being on red-alert 24/7. Now when the demands get tougher it's even harder to keep things together. I can't pretend that i have ever had to go through anything like you & Henry are right now, but I admire you so much for your bravery & refusal to cave to it all. You need some time to recharge your batteries, get your strength back & feel like you again. That somehow this will come about is my prayer for you. Take it easy on yourself; you are wonderful & can only do so much; love you hugely & will always remember when you were there for me too. XoXo ~Patti

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  27. you know that cliché that the darkest hour is before the dawn? It is. It always gets worse before it gets better. Tomorrow or day after tomorrow is gonna be better. It must.

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  28. Yes my dear, tomorrow is gonna be better. Praying for you and your family.
    Xoxo
    Jana from Brazil.

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  29. Lana, although I rarely post my thoughts are with you several times throughout the day. I enjoyed watching your videos as they always made me laugh and thought of you as the really funny pretty woman. Now I have come to know you as so much more than that. You are the glue which holds your family together. President Roosevelt once said, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". No matter what gets thrown your way I know you'll tie that knot.
    Jeanne

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  30. Yes my dear "Scarlet" tomorrow is another day, and and we all have a chance to make it a better as long as we have a breath of life in us. You will find the strength, life will find an equilibrium once again. And I'm still here praying along with all the people that love you.

    Please say your prayers for Lana, Henry and her whole family here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  31. I want to tell you to cry, it is okay, it cleanses the soul. It is so hard to be strong, I know. I have been through Cancer with my mother and then her recovery and then kidney failure due to diabetes, she was at home with me and I did her dialysis (besides taking care of her twin and their mother) I had to make the hard choice to remove my Mother from life suport when she had some heart issues. I COULD NOT go to Hospice when they called that she would pass, I could not face it. I am glad I did not. I remember my Mother's laughing face. I told her I loved her over the phone and the nurse said she responded, That was enough. Love and support your husband, he needs you now. As for your son, I would have hung up also, he needs to realize how hurtfull his comment was. Remember, you are loved by so many people and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise! Prayers for you and prayers for your husbands recovery!

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  32. I am so sorry for all your troubles. When it rains it pours and you are going through a hurricane now. I will keep praying for you.

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  33. Things have to get worse before they get better

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  34. Still thinking and praying for you and your family everyday and hoping you will get through this (mostly) unscathed. We're all here for you and are supporting you in every way that we know how...through prayers, encouraging words, lighting candles, etc. God bless you and your family.

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  35. The Lord's Prayer is what I turn to in times of need. I agree with others' comments about getting some outside help, homehealth care assistance. Hospice is a wonderful group and there is likely to be one in your area, and they could be beneficial to your mother-in-law's care. Have you considered a support group for caretakers? The Cancer Society or your doctors or nurses may be able to provide some info on an appropriate support group in your area. Oh, and it is okay to cry, you know.
    May God's love comfort you.

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  36. Lana I'm so sorry. I bet you feel what about me! who's going hug me and make all this go away. Right now you have to hug yourself try and muster all the strength you have. call your son tell him how much you love him and things will get better. I feel if you don't see your mother in law you will regret it the rest of your life tell her what you told us you love her like she was your mother. I know you feel drained but life goes on whether we can handle it or not. I'll say a pray for You your hubby mother in law and your broken heart son he can find better.
    Susan/Texas

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  37. Lana~
    Still praying for you and wrapping you up in lots of love!
    Kisses~~Karen

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  38. Dearest Lana,
    Boy, when it rains it freaking storms. I don't want to say something like, "God gives us what he thinks we can handle," because it is a complete load of crap.
    If you are able to do so, please consider looking into having someone help you at home. It will help you and your family out immensely.
    I hate writing this, but your son needs to get it together right now. Starving himself? Oh, gosh at the thought! He needs to realize that a break up isn't the end of the world, though I know it certainly feels like it. Someone better is out there waiting for their souls to find each other.
    My heart goes out to him, your mother in law, you and Henry.
    Lots of little heart pieces raining down on you and your family! xo
    ~ShellieBill

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  39. Perhaps your son can stop acting like a dramaqueen and come out to visit and help you. it'll keep his mind of his broken heart and give you some help. I live a few hours away from you but would at least offer to come clean, do laundry, etc for you if I lived near by.

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  40. Lovely Lana,

    My heart is breaking for you. I know that some days things can feel like the walls are closing in and you just can not handle one more thing. You go to sleep and wake up and things get better. You just have to keep a positive attitude even though it is hard to do. Your husband needs to feel your positive energy. We are all pulling for you to get through this. Feel and take our positive thoughts and let them help you get through this nightmare. We all love you and are here for you to come vent to. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong Lana,

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  41. Lana we all love you so much <3 We are here, pushing your forward, we will send our love more and more, the more you need, the more we have for you. I would say don't give up, but I know you wont! <3

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  42. Lana, as all the other posts you and your family are in my prayers.

    My prayer for you is the strength to persevere and I'm personally sending you a smile, a chuckle and a laugh. A smile when you can't handle any thing more. A chuckle as you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And lastly a rolling on the floor belly laugh, cause who can't use one of those. Figured you've been sent enough hugs and you could use a good old belly laugh.

    Close your eyes and feel all the strength and love being sent to you by these posts. They will sustain you......Count on it!!!

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  43. Dear Lana, don't feel guilty about your mother-in-law. You are exactly where you need to be and that is with Henry. Your son will also come through this. Surely he must know how much you already have on your plate. Take one day at a time and know that "this too shall pass". I'm sending you a big hug and hoping for the best for your family.

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  44. Everything will be OK in the end. If it's NOT okay, it's not the end. (((huuggss)))

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  45. If I were you, I would want to scream, "F... it all! What about me??!!!

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  46. Hi lana, with all these bad news i don't know or what i could tell you to appease you to lessen your burden, the only thing i can do is to pray for you and your family and i hope that it will help you to overcome all these troubles.. and i also want to dedicate this song to you and your husband.. love you Lana and hope sooner than later we could see your bubbly self again in videos.. =) God bless.. - Nell
    http://youtu.be/qINNR0Oblsc

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  47. We're still here, Lana! Praying and sending your family all our strength and love, remember we are all there in spirit if not in person!!!!! Much love to your whole family, my family prays for you all every single day!!! Kisses, Ria

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  48. lana, so sorry. maybe I don't agree with everyone. You are stronger than you think. Slip next door and hold your mother in law's hand for five minutes. In times to come you will not want to have any regrets. believe me you are strong enough to do it.

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  49. Lana,
    People have written to you to get some help. I'm jumping on that wagon. There is help for you, you only have to ask for it. Sometimes we think we can do it all ourselves and we can't. No man is an island...that's in the bible...that means that you are not alone and there is help out there. You are only one person up against a mountain so let someone help you climb it. Don't be ashamed to ask or feel guilty that you must. There are people who's job it is to help and that's what they want to do. When I had cancer I was glad I had nurses coming to my house to help my family take care of me. I knew they needed the help and the rest they were able to get. As for your son, son's are sometimes really callus and selfish. After he takes a minute to realize how selfish he was to say that to you hopefully he will apologize. Maybe if he came over and gave you a hand with everything, he would forget his own troubles at least for awhile. Too bad I"m not there to tell him that. ;) I have a son too so I know what they can be like. I hope you will take all the advice about getting some help. Lay your guilt down, there is no place for it to stay where you are. I'm praying for you and Henry too.

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  50. Lana you must be at the breaking point. There seems to be no respite for our beautiful friend. Sending you love and concern because there are no words.

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  51. You are in the middle of one of the heaviest storms but remember, soon the sun will rise! All this will only get better!! -A very tight hug and a humble lit candle from Greece.

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  52. Hi Lana,

    They say when it dosen't rain it pours and right now it is pouring at your end. However, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining and it will all pass- just as everything else in our lives always do. Right now you cannot be everything to everyone. You need to concentrate on your husband as he needs you badly and most importantly, you need to ensure that YOU take care and protect yourself so that you do not get sick and that you are strong enough to look after him. Be strong and hang in there. It will all pass. Try to nurture yourself a bit in whatever way you can manage to do so. Ask for help from other family members for your mother-in-law. Your son will be ok. The heart is a resilient muscle.... He will also understand if you can not give him too much time right now. He knows his mom and he knows also what you are up against at the moment. I continue to pray for you and your family every day. Hang in there. Many warm hugs, cuddles and tulips from Amsterdam. Donna

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  53. Dearest Lana, How sad and useless I feel when I read of your situation. Why is life like this, why does it seem like the devil always sh*ts on the same pile? Lana sweetheart, you can't do this alone - you are one person and an amazing one like that but you are human. You need to get others on board to share the load. Your priority is Henry and yourself, of course you love your mother in law and want to look after her too but don't think that she doesn't understand. How must she feel to learn that her son is so ill and she can't take care of him? As mothers, I'm sure when we are in our 90's we always feel the same as when we did when our children were tinies. Being a mother doesn't stop. There is no age for retirement! Don't feel guilty for not being able to see her as often as you would like. You are at your limit, full capacity sweetheart, simple as that! As for your son? Sorry if I speak out of turn here Lana but children can be so damned selfish. He's hurting, he's hurting and he turns to you, his mother and talks about starving himself to death when Henry and you are battling to get food inside and keep it inside Henry!!! Tell him to wake up, have a heart! He feels hollow, he feels devastated but it's not anywhere close to where you are at right now. I talk of children being selfish Lana because just over 2 years ago when I was admitted to hospital with heart failure, aged 46 at the time, I had to stay in for almost a month. My eldest got mad at me and in all seriousness asked, "well how on earth am I going to get to school with you lying around in here?" Two surgeries and 2 and a half years later, he feels ashamed of himself. Your son will do the same. To err is human afterall.
    Slow down Lana and delegate, you have to otherwise you will crack from the pressure. It's going to be ok Lana, it will all work out. Old cliche but it's true, it always does. God will guide you back to still waters. My prayers for you and Henry continue each and every day without fail. Warm hugs, Leyla xxxooo

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  54. PS. Nothing left today? It just feels like that sweetheart, you are exhausted, emotionally drained. There's a whole lot more inside you on reserve, but you just need time to recharge Lana. Have faith! You are an amazing and wonderful woman and I love you soooooooooooooo much!!! Leyla xxxooo

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  55. Dear Lana: Hang in there. I have been there. When everything is going wrong and yes when we fell that we have nothing left. I pray for Henry and for you. You are giving your all and being pulled in different ways. Sorry to hear about your mother in law. She knows what you are doing and that you think of her as a mother. WE are all here with you. Take it one minute at the time. I send you my love, prayers and all the energy you need to keep going. God bless you

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  56. Oh Dear Lana my heart breaks for you. I swear when it rains it pours. To be honest I am at a loss of words. All i can say is I pray for better days for you. pray for healing of your Henry that one day soon your life will be back to some sort of normal. I am so very sorry to hear about your MIL. I pray to God to give you the strength you need to carry you through. I think of you every single day. Many hugs, thoughts and prayers to you and yours. Faith, Hope & Love <3 Anita

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  57. You and your family have been through so much I don't even have the words. I just want you to know I love you and I'm thinking about you and Praying for you and Henry and you MIL every single day.

    V~

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  58. It's like those oxygen masks-- make sure you put your own on before you help the person next to you. Take a little bit of time for yourself, look to Him and find peace, strength, and comfort in the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the ULTIMATE healer of all hurts, diseases, and hearts. May you be filled with His peace and comfort during this difficult time.

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  59. As i read through some of the posts i think we should try to be more encouraging and forget about the negative towards her son. Maybe he is not in the same state and cant leave to go help Lana. We should not speculate here. Remember it is also his grandmother that is dying and stepfather that is ill. None of us handle stress in the same manner.

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  60. Dear Lana ~ It's understandable why you have nothing left. I know there's really nothing I can say to help, but as always, I'm sending love to you and Henry.
    Mary Sue

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  61. Thinking of and praying for you today and every day. You can not be all things to all people, just do your best and forget the rest.
    Xo

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  62. So sorry to hear of all your struggles Lana :-(
    I'm 30 years old and know how sometimes kids can be selfish and stupid when it comes to their parents. They like everything to be normal and happy and their parents to be their emotional rock and don't always think that their parents are people too who have their own stuff going on.
    I'm sure your son didn't mean to be insensitive, he was probably just wanting Mom to be his rock and solve his problems the way he has probably always been accustomed to. He'll be fine.
    Thinking of you and your family. Hope these dark times pass soon and things will be good again.

    Paula.

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  63. Dear Lana,
    I have watched you you tube videos almost since the beginning and have followed you and your husbands journey on this blog, but have never written to you any kind words or support. for that i apologize.
    after reading this entry i just had to write something..
    firstly i am sorry for what you are going through with your husband, your mother in law and your son. but Lana, as you know life is tough, and it seems to all come at the wrong time and all at once.. i believe you are being tested and you are sailing through because you are so strong, even though you may feel like crap most of the time, you are so so strong. you have stood by your husband every step of the way, you have cared for him like you would you have a baby.. and he is going to be so so grateful when he gets better and will never be able to show you how grateful he is because what you have done for him is simply unbelievable!
    your story has touched my heart and i have been praying for you and your family.
    please stay positive because we all want our Lana back on youtube when everything gets better
    we miss you

    love from London, England

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  64. Dear Lana,

    I've been following your blog since the beginning of the year and you've been an inspiration to me in many ways. I'm deeply sorry for the very tough period you're going through. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.

    Paola Venice, Italy

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  65. I'm so sorry Lana, What can one say? You sound like you could use a break, would you feel guilty if you did take an afternoon and get some much needed respite? Could "Visiting Angels" or another family member cover for you for a few hours? I think all of your youtube friends would agree that you need this and would have our permission to do so. I wish I lived nearby, I'd gladly take a shift! You and Henry are in my prayers! God Bless!

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  66. Dear Lana, Crying as I read your post. I am so sorry for you and your family, whish I could help!
    My prayers and thoughts are with you!
    Big cyber hug from me
    Julia

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  67. keep holding on lana!!!!!

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  68. Sending you love! Bethlovesenzo

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  69. Dear Sweet Lana... my heart, soul, and mind goes out to you...I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I honestly pray to God every night for you and Henry and will continue to do so. I'm worried about you, Lana and want to remind you that your YT family loves you. Please take some time for yourself....even if it's just to soak in the tub for a while.....Much love to you...

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  70. Your son? Tell him he'd batter watch his back because a whole lot of mammas are ready to hunt him down and whack him on the head. Starve himself over some girl! NOT. I'm going to bet he tells you someday he must have been delirious when he said that.
    Your mother-in-law? She understands.
    Your husband? He never even imagined how much you love him. I am so sorry for his suffering, praying for him daily.
    You? Be kind to yourself. You have such compassion, love, and determination. Ask for help and take it! We are praying for you too.

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  71. Make that 'better watch his back' not batter. Oy!

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  72. DEAREST LANA, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND PRAY! PRAY FOR STRENGTH, COURAGE AND ENDURANCE. CRY OUT TO GOD IN YOUR DISTRESS. HE IS THERE ALWAYS. YOU CAN'T DO IT, BUT HE CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IT. REMEMBER WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU PUSHING WITH GREAT LOVE. LOTS OF PRAYERS AND HUGS YOUR WAY, NONI/GLLITTERKID

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  73. sending love and prayers to you and yours Lana. wish i could be there to help , we love you !

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  74. Here's your HOTD...hug of the day!
    p.s ...and one for Henry too!
    xoxo,
    Julie

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  75. Tomorrow has to be better. <3<3<3 *Big hugs*

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  76. Dear Lana,
    I'm of like mind with so many of the other ladies...you need help, you need a break. At least a few hours to yourself. I realize that brings its own form of torture because you will worry and because you've been on "red alert" for weeks. All the same, though...please consider someone from home health care to sit by Henry's side for a few hours. Then come back, kiss your mother-in-law, and hold your hubby again. Try not to feel guilty for being away for a little bit, because they will appreciate the slightly rested Lana who returns home. This healing thing takes a ton of positive energy and you need to get a refill. Your son...what can we say? Self-centered pretty much goes hand in hand with being young and male. Double whammy. Tell him to get a grip and ask himself why she split. Perhaps the knowledge will serve him well in his next relationship.
    Still pulling and praying for you both,
    Michelle

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  77. As Jeanne already said, tie a knot in your rope and hang on. This will all be over soon enough, just keep imagining the best outcome. We are all out here praying madly for you and Henry and all of your family. Please, please like everyone else has already said, take a little time for yourself. A nice bubble bath, with a cup of herbal tea will do wonders. Just set a timer for 20 little minutes. You can afford that much time for yourself, so just do it. You will feel much stronger again if you just make time for yourself. A 20 minute walk will make all the difference and help keep you calmer. You will do no one any good if you end up in the hospital yourself. Again, we are all out here praying for you everyday. God will answer our prayers. Stay strong, we are all here to catch you.

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  78. http://www.rampbbs.net/burden.htm

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  79. www.rampbbs.net/burden.htm

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  80. Dear Precious Lana, I wish I could give you a big hug in person. You are in my prayers. I love you. Hugs,~Marilyn

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  81. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family. ((((HUGS))))

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  82. I'm so sorry Lana. These things with Henry will pass. One day soon he'll have a turnaround. He's still in my prayers at all times. I'm also so sorry for your son. You don't need anything else to tear at your heart. Your poor Mother-in-law! Take care Lana. I'm also praying for you. Stay strong. You have so many people praying for you & Henry. God is listening. (((hugs)))

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  83. For this I call to mind and therefore I have hope;

    Because of the Lord's great love, We are not consumed.

    For His compassion never fails.

    They are new every morning,
    Great is His faithfulness.

    Lana, this comes from Lamentations 3. It has brought me through some mighty rough times. May the Lord God grant you His peace and surround you and your loved ones with His Angels.

    I love you!~Marilyn<3

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  84. Lana,your like a rung out towel right now.
    Im so sorry for you I wish I could give you a hug and help more. Just take a moment and breathe, You need to take care of yourself during this time. Or your be the next one in the ER.Please know that I say this to your as a Loving Friend.
    Your be in my prayers.
    As always with kindness you `Viva Las Vegas Friend, Lorrie xoxox

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  85. Lana, I am probably going to be a bit out of line here. First, I continually pray for you and your family. I am sorry about your mother in law. I have no advice for this situation and I can't imagine what I would do, but whatever you do make sure it's what you choose. As far as you husband, his body has gone through so much these past few months there is bound to be some residual effects. I realize they are very serious, let's just keep praying him through this too! As for you son I know that losing a girlfriend is traumatic, but to tell you he wants to starve himself is so very selfish. Did you really need this additional worry? He needs to grab some perspective, maybe he could use the energy to maybe say hey Mom I'll sit with Henry for an hour so you can take a nap, run to the store, anything but add to your burden. If I was out of line I apologize. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'll keep y'all in my prayers.

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  86. Lana, you are an incredible and remarkable woman. I know you may not feel that way, and you may have not felt that way for a long time, but my words are very true. You have the strength to pull through this. You've gotten this far into this journey, there is no turning back. Do not regret any foot steps that you've taken up until this point. Be proud of them from the bottom of your heart. Be proud that you are helping your husband to the best of your ability. You said that you are only doing what you know he would do for you. Well, alot of people don't have the strength to go through what you are going through. I understand that your son is very upset after he and his girlfriend have separated, but I do agree that it was somewhat selfish for him to tell you those words and another worry to your plate. I am assuming he is grown, but he knows what you are going through with your husband and how difficult it must be. Lana & Henry, both of you stay strong. You can pull through this difficult time, and it will only make you stronger in the end! Sending you hugs and the best wishes!

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  87. There are resources to help - home health nurses, respite care, many others. Nothing could be worse than the sheer hell you are describing. Your poor husband. Your poor mother-in-law. I am so sorry this has beaten you down. Dozens of people here have reached out to offer help, support, prayers, anything. There are a few names you mention whose help you appreciate. I hope you'll consider some assistance during this terrible time. I have been there. Prayers to you and to your family members who are so sick.

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  88. Lana "...this too shall pass..." please just take it one day at a time and know that we are all here pushing you along with love and prayers xx Sue (4utob)

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  89. I don't know if you'll remember me - I think you might. I'm the one who told you that you were blessed with the greatest gift of all and that is the capacity for joy. How can you feel joy now? I've been married for a long time myself, decades. I can't imagine....

    You're chronicling makes me feel as if I'm looking at something through a very sharp lens. You are able to find the words, vivid, stark, real. Keep writing. Don't stop. This is your strength. Through words, you will find a way. Who knows? Dare I say, maybe, you even might have a basis for some sort of book. God Bless both of you.

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  90. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Your mother in law is 91 years old and she has lived a fabulous life i'm sure. And maybe going to see her, you will be able to get persepective. Don't let death scare you, it is unfortunately part of life. If you were in the end, you would want someone familar to be with you. So, don't let death scare you even though it is scary. The best thing that you can do is have that last conversation, which most people don't get to have. We always wish we could have said something before it was too late, but you have the chance to tell this person how much they DO and WILL mean to you, and what a gift that is. As hard as it is. God bless you.

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  91. Thinking of you and Henry dearest Lana, praying for your spirits to lighten. Lots and lots of love. Leyla xxxooo

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  92. I've been thinking about you & your husband these past few days...sending my prayers & thoughts to you & yours.

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  93. Hey Lana, I've pretty much seen all your videos on Youtube, and on the basis they are a wonderful person! Gradually, as the videos were newer, I have been with me the tragic has happened! I am only 16 years, but you are a role model! I read about all the sadness you are going through, and I get pain in my heart! Wish your husband good improvement! I hope he overcomes the cancer!

    Love Kari Ann from Norway! <3

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  94. Thinking of you and of Henry and wanted to send my love. xoxo Jeanie

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  95. I send you prayers and hugs, you can always lean on me ♥

    Mary

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  96. Lana,

    My heart breaks for you. Call your local LDS missionaries to give your mother in law and husband a blessing. It's free, no donations at all and they will be more than happy to do this. I'm not trying to convert you or even bring up religion, I know for a fact the power of prayer works. Hang in there Lana.

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  97. Lana even though things may look bad don't ever forget that God is with you through the good and the bad. I will be praying for you and your family... and remember even at our lowest point God is there with us just call and he will answer.

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  98. Dear Lana, I often read your updates just for the simple reason that I hope to see something positive. I wish you nothing but luck and a miracle. I know how tough life has been for you, and if i could, i would reach through my computer and give you a big hug, in hopes of making you aware of how much I care. Though I never met you, i feel for you. Dearly. I hope each day gets brighter and a miracle pulls through for all of your family members and for you of course. All i can say, is life is ironic. One day everything seems perfect and the next we cant even decipher who we are and what has happened. All that I can do for you, is pray which i have been doing since i heard the terrible news. I wish cancer on NO ONE, as i know how traumatic and emotionally damaging it can be to face. So i Pray for you, and I know millions of others are doing the same. Please keep your head up, and know that you have a ton os support. I know this isn't easy, but its the only way to keep some sanity. I wish you the best. and Please keep us updated! - Kristina

    (Missskrisssxo@aim.com )

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  99. Lana, I DON'T KNOW YOU We live across the country from each other...well almost. I am in Utah and I am praying with all my might for you, Your amazing husband Henry, and your amazing Mother in Law. I am not going to lie to you and say I am being strong for you. I am "ugly crying" you know the one...snot the whole bit. I have watched your videos in the past, you have inspired me, and made me smile. I feel helpless to help you friend. I love you! I love you as my own sister. I am sending every ounce of strength I have for you, all my prayers heavenward. I am begging for any and all miracles on your behalf. All my LOVE, M

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  100. Lana my heart breaks to hear you in such sorrow. What you need is some one to help take some of this burden off. We are all here in the back ground. But that doesn't help you there. Althought you have some emotional support. I just want to hold you and cry with you.
    ((((((((((((HUG :( ))))))))))))
    Joni

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  101. Hey Sweetie, had no idea you made a new video, please when you have a minute check out my comments. Want you to know, I'm praying for y'all several times a day, in fact, every time you cross my mind, I pray for you, Henry and the rest of your family. I had my first story published a couple of years ago, I never cashed the check, I still plan on framing it. May God bless your book endeavor, it's a wonderful feeling to be published. I don't even care if anyone reads my story, just knowing you have immortalized some little part of life, is a great feeling. Give Henry and very soft smooch for me.

    Love you bunches,
    floridapossum

    Please light your candle and say your prayers for Lana and Henry here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  102. Lana, I saw this video today and I immediately thought of you! It's a song by Martina McBride and it's Called "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" Please watch this video Lana, I promise it will empower and inspire you. Always keep in mind that each and every one of us are going to love you and your family through this! All the best! God Bless! http://youtu.be/WxIt70j_SPk

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  103. Big ole bear hugs as tight as you guys can imagine them! much love, jan

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  104. Lana, you have a heart of gold! I see you as a sister and feel your pain! I am about the same age as you and my daughter actually told me about you awhile back saying that I should watch you. So I have followed you for awhile and always enjoyed listening to you. When I heard about your husband, my heart went out to both of you! My husband does not have cancer but suffered from a brain aneurysm a while back. He was hospitalized for 2 months and I stayed by his side every day. My children were 15 and 20 at the time and I left them at home. Church members saw to their needs and I called them everyday to see how they were, hiding my tears from them. From watching your last video, I could hear in your voice alot of the same thing that I went through. You have to be together when you are with your husband to give him strength but when you are able to go eat or something else, your guard goes down and you weep and pray for strength to get through it all! My husband had to have two brain surgeries and ended up being paralized on half of his body, a bleeding ulcer, and pneumonia while in the hospital. I became his nurse every minute I could be with him. I did all that I could to make him comfortable and massaged his body and put positive energy into his body. Miraculously, his paralysis went away and he got better! I know that our Heavenly Father heard so many prayers from people that He said "there must be something special about this man for everyone to care so much for him", and he healed him of everything! As a wife, you drop everything for your husband! You do what you have to do, and you do get through it! I know how hard this trial must be for both of you but your love for each other will pull you through it all! The prayers from everyone will be heard and answered! It is through our trials that we become closer to one another and understand more of our purpose here on earth and in the life yet to come! My love to you both!

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  105. Dearest Lana, Praying that you are well, that you are not so down, so exhausted and wishing you and Henry a peaceful weekend. Lots of love, Leyla xxxooo

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  106. Still praying for you and your family and sending you love and light♥

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  107. Hi Lana. I've been away for a couple of weeks,but you and DH are in my prayers. Please Lana, reach out to others for help and support. Its there, waiting to assist. Your doing the best you can,take care friend. xoxo Klaire.

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  108. I have been struggling on what to write to you after your last post. I want so badly to have some words that will bring you some kind of comfort, trying to think of something that will bring even a moment of peace. But I do not have these words. I believe that there are times when we go through things that the only thing that will bring us peace is our faith in the Lord. I also believe that it is in these times when tragedy strikes in our lives is when the Lord is so badly wanting and waiting for us to lean on him. If we can take but a small moment we can actually feel him standing next to us waiting for us to reach out. Maybe it's so that we learn that there is no way for us to have control of everything. That we must rely on him. I don't know if any of that makes sense to you but I do know that in times of great strife this has given me some peace.
    As others have all ready said you need to get some help, a nurse, hospice, an aide, family.It is hard to ask for help and/or take it. I know that you want to be there every second you want to be the one who takes care of every one, you feel it's not only the right thing to do but a privilege to do it. But no one can do everything alone. For your own sanity and health you need to be able to get away even if it's only for a couple of hrs a week. You need to have some time to yourself, get your hair done, take a walk, visit a friend, take a nap. I can personally recommend driving with the car up and screaming out every frustration that has been building for all this time. Please please do this before you get sick, Henry needs you to be there and to do that you MUST take care of yourself too.
    I am praying for you and your family with all my heart.

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  109. Dear Lana,

    I am writing to you to let you know how much I am praying for you and your husband. Oh, it sounds like a frightening situation you are in, but, you WILL get through it! I am currently reading "The Purpose Filled Life" and I know you probably don't have much time for or interest in reading at this moment, but, when you can, if you've not already, please read this book! It will make sense of this situation for you and you will have clarity as to why you are going through these trials. Lana, I took care of my mother for nearly three years with dememtia, and she died May 5th of this year. It broke my heart in every way possible to see her decline and then leave me. I still cry at the thought of her, and have had many dreams about her since she left me. My mother in law, who I loved dearly, left me one year ago as well. Her illness was short, and she was told she had ten days to live. She died on the 9th day. I miss her terribly. Lana, I believe your husband will get through this, I really do. You have so many people praying for you, and prayer is key. God does hear and listen, and He DOES answer prayer. You hang in there! Keep being you, keep taking good care of yourself because your husband needs you to be you and if you wear down, then who will be there for him? Don't worry, just have faith in God, and lay your worries at the feet of Jesus, and He WILL work things out. Oh, I could tell you so many details of what my dear mother and I went through, but, I will not do that here on the Internet. All I can say is we made it. My mother was with me, lived in my home, and I had a WONDERFUL in home care taker that was with her while I worked. Our care taker was a GODsend! Your husband is going to recover, so you probably won't need to think about in home care. But, do think about this...Get someone to come stay with him and keep him company while you do spend three hours at the hair salon, go to the grocery, or meet a friend for a respite visit. That will ease your mind and you won't have to call home to check on him. You NEED time for yourself as a caretaker!!!! You do, you do, you do! It is SO hard to watch someone you love suffer, oh, I know the feeling, but, you be strong, be your husband's rock and you both will make it through this. You are wonderful, I can tell you have a heart of gold, and you are blessed with so many talents! You keep your chin up, keep smiling when you don't feel like it and you will be okay again soon. Love and hugs from Cincinnati, Ann

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  110. Hi Lana...checking in, hoping things don't feel as bleak as your last post sounded. I'm sorry for all this...it must be exhausting for both of you. You're being a good wife to Henry, you can only do what you can do. Prayers from my house to yours, love. Calvikingchick YT

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  111. My beautiful Lana, I feel your heavy heart. Please stay strong. I think about you everyday as I go through my normal little life and think what is Lana doing right now how is her husband, is he having a good minute or hour, at least. May god hear everyone's prayers. The lump in my throat does not go away, I'm crying with you. I will keep praying for all of your family to stay strong. God bless. Love Lola,

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  112. I want to punch someone,so I can only imagine how you feel. Please get some help, in home nursing or family. If you go down, the whole house of cards goes down. Be kind to you in some small way---ask for help. <3

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  113. I believe the Oasis of Hope might be able to help your husband. 1-888-500-HOPE.
    www.oasisofhope.com
    I'm praying for both of you.

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  114. Hey Lana, I'm just checking on you and sending cyberhugs.--slade

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  115. I hope and pray that things are better for all of y'all this week. Still love you bunches.

    Please light your candle and say your prayers for Lana and Henry here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  116. Lana ~ let us know you are okay, please. I get worried when you don't post for a long while.

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  117. Checking in on you. Thoughts, hugs and prayers to you and your family. Faith, Hope & Love <3 Anita

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  118. I love you, baby. Please hang on and know we are out here praying for y'all.

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  119. I'm holding you up, Lana. I'll be strong for you when you can't be. Rest here for awhile.

    Love,

    Sherie

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  120. It make take m-a-n-y tomorrows, but eventually - one tomorrow things will be better. Sending you Sunshine, Rainbows and Lollipops <3 Faith

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  121. Just checking in, Lana. I think of you and family EVERY day! Odd how we can love someone sooooooo much even though we've never met
    face-to-face.

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  122. Know that you are not alone. Forever in my heart and prayers. I think of you so many times throughout the day and say a prayer for you and your loved ones.

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  123. Dearest Lana,

    Your absence makes us worried, but we understand you have a lot to deal with right now - understatement!!! I pray that this dark cloud soon passes and that your heart can be lighter and those beautiful eyes of yours shiny with happiness. Warm hugs with lots of love, Leyla xxxooo

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  124. Lana, You reach a point where you are fighting for your own survival. You can only do so much and are doing the best you can. You have to set your priorities.

    Your son will be O.K. and your mother-in-law has lived a long life. Right now you need to give to yourself and Henry. Try to get someone who can come in and stay with Henry so you can have a day or evening out for yourself.

    Studies have shown that some people develop cancer after a period of high stress. The stress lowers the immune system. I helped my mother take care of my father for three years. It was so stressful, because I loved him so much and wanted to do the best I could for him. I was working full time, also. To make a long story short I was diagnosed with stage III ovarian cancer 9 months after he died.

    Elaine

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  125. Dearest Lana, Just a reminder that you are in my thoughts, my prayers and my heart. I think of you often throughout the day. You are loved so very much sweetheart. Love and affection to you and Henry. Leyla xxxooo

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  126. Just dropping by again to say hello, Lana. Think about you every day and wonder how things are. Chin up - we love you. Lou xx

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  127. Lana hello. I stumbled onto your youtube videos today and never laughed as hard at anything for so long. Then I found your blog and now I have stopped laughing with this amazing woman but have instead filled with compassion and the desire to give you a huge long hug. I have been in such dark places too, where you think you cannot take one more tiny second of anything, only to find that yes more is to come, but then one day you look back and you realize that you are a woman and you got through it, and if your very lucky you find someone like you who can make you laugh at yourself and enjoy life again. You are a angel Lana and you have so much to give and to receive in this life. Big hugs to you, we need you and you need your man, to keep on making us laugh and so much more.

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