Thursday, September 22, 2011

Living In Purgatory

Today 
Thursday Sept 22
I drug my laptop out to the front porch on this beautiful autumn day to write this.
Dappled sunlight peeking thru the almost century old trees in the front yard. Light breeze.  Crisp air
You can almost smell fall's impending arrival today. Fall is my 3rd least favorite season. 
Everything is dying....


My Mother-In-Law passed away.
Our good friend with brain cancer did too.
My husband and I didn't even attend either funeral. Not that we didn't care or want to be there to show support and say good-bye  to these two wonderful souls.... 
You see, the day they died, My poor husband was battling his own illness and was crouched once again in front of the lavatory puking his guts up. His blood values so poor that hugging or shaking the hands of loved ones that did come to pay their respects would have and could have been deadly.
Infection.
 I truly think his Mom wouldn't have minded a bit that we weren't there for her on that last day. Our friend wouldn't have cared either. 
Funerals and graveyards and sadness. They are my envelope these days and if I don't put that stamp on them and seal them up tight, what does it even matter? It doesn't.
September 15th came and went but the appointments to check and scan and scope didn't happen for us. My husband refused.
He hasn't given up, he simply doesn't want to know or deal.
I have been nudging him more as each day passes. 
"We really ought to make a phone call to see what is happening with you."
 Limbo is a fabulous place to be but some days it is more like Purgatory. Not knowing what next month or next week or tomorrow or even 30 minutes from now will be is no good way to live.
Last Saturday I had reached my absolute limit. 
My curling iron took the brunt of it and now looks more like the letter "C" than any kind of hair styling tool since I banged it over and over and over on my vanity table  until it was DEAD.  
Repeating over and over with each blow the word 
DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD.
My heart feels dead. My mother in law is dead. 
Our lives and our future seems dead.
Do I exaggerate? Too much Drama?
Ha~ 
Try it for a week.
Live it for a month.
Experience it with a loved one.
I feel like we are living in a pressure cooker and the lid blew straight off the top on Saturday.
I get so many notes and phone calls from amazing friends that say,
"Just hire someone. Pay a nurse to come feed him via the tube for a day or even two. Hire someone to give him his meds and clean up the puke and do what you are doing daily. Get out of that house! 
Go LIVE!"
Ya, right.... How in the name of God do you PAY to have someone hold your husbands hand or rub his shoulders as he hurls up two days of meals? Will someone that doesn't truly love him bother to wipe his mouth and give him comfort when he's hurting?
 How do you PAY to have a nurse LOVE your man for you?
My answer, at least for me... You don't.


I did what any red blooded American wife would do in time of crisis and frustration.
I took the credit card and Went Shopping! 
Boy, did I shop. It felt so good. So wrong yet so right.
I returned home after a 2 hour binge at the mall.
It was my version of Shopping Fast and Shopping Furious.
 Sephora, Saks, Neiman Marcus, Macy's. 
Pure Bliss and forgetfulness and racks and shelves of normalcy. 






You know how you lay in bed in the quiet of the night right before you go to sleep but instead you and your spouse talk? 
Some of our best talks are at that time. Heart to heart in-depth talks.
Two nights ago, holding hands in the dark, we made the decision to finally call the doctors in two weeks and get the ball rolling once again. See what and where we are  in this disease. 
Is the cancer gone? 
Two weeks.


The phone rang yesterday morning.
It was the oncologist's office. 
"We have you scheduled for your scans on Friday after blood work at the lab. Be there at 12:45. Expect the scans to last 4 hours. Then, you have an appointment on Thursday the 29th with the doctor to discuss your results."
Friday.
Tomorrow.
We will have the results on Thursday, next week.
I think we both want to rush back to the safe cocoon of our ignorance now that it's out of our hands.
I WILL get him to that appointment tomorrow. 
I will!
We are both so Nervous. Anxious. Fearful.
Fingers Crossed.....

73 comments:

  1. Lana,
    Sending much love and prayers as you and your husband go through such a difficult time. Hoping there will be some positive results coming. A lot of people out here care about you.
    Love,
    Linda

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  2. Empty driveway, hah? *shakes head*
    Get him to that appointment Lana!
    *fingers crossed*

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  3. You are both in my thoughts and in my heart Lana, there's room for you to lounge safely in there, and when you get through this awful next week, which you will, maybe things will seem a lot better; because you'll have finally heard something positive after the hell you're going through.
    I understand how hard tomorrow will be, my motherIL has cancer and she's one of my friends, every time she has a scan we worry for the worse. But do you know sweetie, she's had many that have come back positive and even when they told her it had spread to her lungs, spine, liver and bones did it turn out to be wrong, so you hang in there because there has to be some good coming your way. God knows you've earned it.
    Love jen xooox

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  4. Lana, though I don't comment much, when I read your entries, my heart breaks for you and your husband. You are both such strong people for pushing through this experience. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and your husband!

    Btw, sometimes we just need time to ourselves and if that includes some time shopping, then so be it.

    Much love

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  5. Oh Lord! What pains me more? the illness, the death or not being able to depend on others to help? Terrible time to see who your real family and friends are. Stay strong lovely Lana and yes, you are so right, I would not pay or even consider someone else taking care of my beloved; you are the best! Thinking of you always, Debweth.

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  6. Lana I find myself thinking of you very often, imagine that, someone that I have never met, or even spoken to. My heart breaks for you as I read each and every one of these posts! I don't think that I would be strong enough to do what you do each and every day. Your husband is lucky to have such a wonderful woman in his life, and you are lucky to be so in love with someone after years of marriage. I pray for you and your husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending positive thoughts, prayers, and love!

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  7. Good luck. So sorry for you mother in law and friend

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  8. Lana, First let me say how sorry I am about your mother in law and friend passing. Second of all let me say where are those boys? It is funny how some of us will walk across fire for members of our family, and others just won't. I feel so sad that they weren't there with Henry when you asked them to be. Oh my gosh, I would have gone over for you if I could have! You deserve to escape for a few hours. Well, you deserve to escape for longer than that but I understand exactly where you are coming from. I also understand not hiring someone. Noone can take care of Henry like you can. You have come so far already just a little longer and hopefully things will take a turn that will make you both smile. I think about you all of the time and get excited when I see your posts because I am waiting for that post when you say that Henry is all better. My thoughts and prayers are always with you both. Stay strong and positive gorgeous lady. I know that is easier said than done. Until next time...Kathy xoxoxoxo

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  9. I don't want to spew negativity, but I just can't understand how his grown children could turn a blind eye. All the years he spent raising them, nurturing them, caring for them as they grew and now in his time of need.... nothing?!

    I'm so sorry, Lana, for all the heartache you have been delt in these past months. If possible, my heart aches FOR you and Henry. I'm terribly sorry to hear of your friend and your mother in law. I'm keeping you, continually, in my thoughts... and here is to hoping the tests show GOOD results!

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  10. This is such a terrible time for you; I know because I've been there. I don't think that anyone who suggest that you get some help meant that you would relinquish all your care-giving duties. Hospice doesn't work like that and neither does home health care. What they can do is help you help your husband. They are not there to take your place. No one can do that. If you don't have help you will only get worn down, both physically and emotionally and that's not good for your husband. I've been in battles with family members over care-giving too so I've been there and done that too. Again, it's just one more reason why you should look into getting some help; not replacement; just help.

    I wish you all the best today and tomorrow and every day after that.

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  11. Dear Ms. Lana,

    I have your blog bookmarked on my computer. I check everyday to see if you've updated. And every time I go to check, I do two things: 1. I ask myself 'Why am I doing this? Every I end up in tears.' and 2. I hold my breath. If there is an update, I hold my breath till I finish your update.
    Ms. Lana, we have never met and chances are we probably never will. But your courage and love has inspired and truly shown me just how deep a love can be. You give me the hope to wish that someday I will find that kind of love in another.
    As hard as it is for you at this time, I wanted to let you know how great it is that you are sharing your story with the rest of us. A few years ago, my mom, dad and sister were ill and were in the hospital for months. All responsibility fell to me and I have never felt so alone in my life. It would have been nice to read some encouraging words from others that are going through the same thing. So know that your words is helping someone go through their personal pain as well.
    I am truly sorry for your loss of your mother in law and friend. Your husband is in my prayers. God bless.

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  12. Dear Lana and Henry, We have never met nor spoken but know that I am constantly thinking of you both. I say a little prayer for you both then. Love, Brenda

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  13. I am praying and having my women's group at church praying for you - and my best friends, and my mom and everyone I know. I pray for God to give you comfort or at least some kind of temporary peace, a moment of happiness, a moment of connection to each others eyes. I want this for yall so bad and I am here fighting with you as much as I can! I wish I could do more as I know you wish the same. Lots and lots of love from Texas ~ Victoria & my army of prayer-ers!

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  14. Dear Lana I am so sorry to hear of your Mother in Law's passing , I know she is in a better place but that doesn't stop the hurt and the missing them..... I don't know how you are dealing with all of this ...I guess it is something God gave Women to be able to handle all of this. I am so surprised that his boys and their wives did not offer to help I mean this is their Father and this is not just a flu bug he has do they not realize that ? Like I told you before I will come up and help you I would stay at a Hotel but I would be there when you need me I couldn't stay for long times but a week here and there would that be any help to you ? I know I could never take care of him the way that you do but I would take care of him with compassion and love towards a very sick man . I love you dearly and I am here for you both . Big Hugs to you ! Susie ~

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  15. Lana and Henry , I found your blog this morning (Australia) in the early hours unable to sleep I found you on YouTube ( your funny post on revitalash) and had to check out your blog! I am sobbing, soo heart breaking. Terribly sad, such an incredibly difficult time for you, I can't even begin to imagine. Absolutely devastating to hear about your mother in law & friend , and then to hear about his sons... No words.... I want you to know though that your writing has really touched me, just last night I had a total shit fit at my husband over...:/ vacuuming!!! What an absolute waste of energy / time, I am so incredibly lucky to have such a loving man and this makes me truly realise how silly and wasteful my bi-monthly flip outs are. Your complete love, adoration & devotion to your love are so inspiring,

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  16. I wanted to add to my just posted comment that I will be sending so much love and prayers!!! Xxxooo

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  17. I have to tell you Lana that as much as my heart aches for you, and it does, I read your blog and think of how great you are at expressing yourself, of putting into writing something that most people would never understand. Your words will help someone some day. I just know it. I'm so sorry about your MIL and friend. I'm sure you are completely numb at this point. Know that a lot of people love you and are thinking of you and praying for you and your precious soul mate.

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  18. Dearest Lana ~ Reading what you wrote today makes me so sad for many different reasons. I'm so sorry about the passing of both your mother-in-law and your friend. Like others have said, I'll probably never meet you and Henry, but I care so much for you. I feel like I do know you, and I hurt for you and Henry.
    Love to you both,
    Mary Sue

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  19. Lana, I'm so sorry about your mother-in-law and your friend. I'm also sad to hear about your sons. I was lucky when both my Mom and Dad were sick, I had my family, some friends and neighbors who were good to me. But after they were both gone, the phone calls stopped. But I understand their lives had to go on as did mine. And if I ever hear the term "you have to snap out of it" again, I will burst into flames. Depression, sadness is not something you can snap out of. I'm glad to see you went shopping. Many times I'd buy myself a little tube of lipstick or a paperback just to try and lift my spirits a little. Please know that all of us out here, who are writing to you, love you both. Even though we've never met, we all feel we know you. Like I said, many times your videos were sometimes the only thing that made me laugh. We'll have your back, Lana, if you want us. I have a feeling most of the people posting here have experienced the same things you and Henry are going through. So I will continue to send you both mega twinkles, sparkles, glitter, confetti, hugs and love and ask God and all His Angels to comfort you, bless you and heal you. Take care...

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  20. Damn kids! Damn cancer! I'm sending you and Henry hugs and prayers! -Kathy.

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  21. Oh boy. I check every day for a new post, holding my breath. I am sorry about your dear MIL and your friend. I can't imagine the boys or their wives not coming to help. Times like these separate the boys from the men, they say. I think of you both every day, and I hope for the best. Love you. Debbie

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  22. Sending you much love...

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  23. Dearest Lana: Such a sad time for you and Henry; yet, remarkably, here are hundreds of total strangers in the U.S. and around the world offering you love, prayers, and help. Maybe the lesson here is to allow others into your life to help and support YOU. (We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends...and from what I see here in the comments section alone, you have so many friends.) I don't know how, but if there were a way, you would have lines of people outside your house doing anything they could to help you and your husband, be it reading Henry's favorite book to him, holding his or your hand, running errands, cleaning, whatever. Just know you are both loved by so many. Please accept my heartfelt sympathies upon the loss of your mother-in-law and your friend. I continue to keep you and Henry in my prayers. Hopefully, you will get some great news in the days to come.

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  24. Lana~
    I am sending love, hugs and kisses to you, my sweet, gorgeous friend! You and Henry remain in my thoughts and prayers.

    I loved reading about the two of you holding hands in the middle of the night and talking heart to heart. I have experienced those moments with my sweet David and they are the most cherished moments of my life. It is a blessing for you to be able to hold Henry's hand in the dark and to walk his journey with him no matter how difficult it may be.

    Love you, sweet girl!!
    Kisses~~Karen

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  25. I love my husband more every day. I am reminded what love really means every time I read about how much you love your husband. What a blessing you are for him and he you. I send prayers and strength. Hold on

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  26. Dear Lana and Henry,
    As you go throught this, some of us relive it. Ignorce is bliss, yes my friend, yes.
    Those who we think will be there are not. We don't understand their fear, we only know ours. I recall the nurse telling me that people don't do this: (help,support, etc, give up their lives for another) I did not believe her, 10 years later I do.
    Keep to yourselves,rely on each other, the heartbreak will not be bad when they don't show up or give well meaning trite advice. I really do not mean to be harsh, but the cold truth is.... youtwo are all you've got. Together, somehow this will be in the past. A little battle torn, but all gone. Please do not give up on God. Keep your prayers up for a healing. God does answer and Mary will intercede on our behalf. Just think of the great work you two will do together in helping those who have no one in their lives.

    You and yours are in my prayers,

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  27. Your mother in law and friend are in a better place than we are right now. In purgatory they wail to fortheir souls to be perfect, and once they are they are with God. They don't care about things on earth they pray and repent, it is that simple.They pray for us, but things are just that,Things. The ever presence of love by God is, well just what you and Henery feel when the two of you are at your closest times 1 billion ( insert smiley face).

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  28. I assume you are talking about your husband's children in the way you are because you are frustrated. Anyone would be in your position. You are entitled to vent; this is YOUR blog. However, I think it's a bit unfair to them because no one but you and your husband knows what has gone on in the family previous to this illness. I just don't want you to share angry feelings towards them on such a public forum as this only to later regret it. Emotions are high during times like this and people are likely to say things and do things that they wouldn't ordinarily under normal circumstances. Please keep that in mind when you are tempted to vent about family members on a public forum. Again, it's your blog so you are free to do what you like.

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  29. Lana...
    I had not see anything from you in awhile and was nervous today... I am so sorry to hear about your Mother in Law and your friend..please accept my most sincere condolences...

    I am also so sad you and Henry are going through this... I understand not wanting to hire a nurse,but what about some help.. a nurses aid or a person to help you with errands...to help you helping Henry...

    I only wish we all lived in the same neighborhood, I know we'd all help..

    I will continue to keep you and Henry in my prayers.

    ...Carmen

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  30. Im so sorry to read about your Mother in Law and your close friend.Im so glad you went shopping and had some ME` time! Lana, maybe you need to rethink about having some help. Just please try it? Once in awhile we all need a helping hand.
    I will keep my fingers crossed:) And keep you and Henry in my prayers!
    God Bless ! your `Viva Las Vegas Friend, Lorrie xoxox

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  31. Dear Lana,

    My heart sank as i read your blog. I am so very sorry to hear about your Mother In Law and friend. I am also so very saddened to hear that Henry is still going through hell. I keep you both in my thoughts daily. I hope and pray that the Big C will be in remission and stay there. I went for my mammo a couple of weeks ago and got a call that there is an abnormality and i have to go back. I am scared to death that cancer has come to take over my body for the 2nd time. I PM'd you on youtube. I am praying hard for you guys. I am sorry but some people just dont understand unless they have been there. Money can buy you a lot of things and yes even a nurse but it can never buy you the TLC you yourself can give your loved one and its a lot easier said than done to allow someone into your home to care for your loved one because we know that someone else cant care for them the way we can and we just dont feel right doing it. Even though I am not around as much as i was i keep you both close to my heart and in my prayers. Keeping the faith, hope & love Anita (LaLaBella5a)

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  32. It seems your vice is electronics. I tend to go for ceramics. Anything that can give me the release of the shatter. But, sometimes you just have to get it out, then move on. I miss you when you're gone. I understand when you are away but I truly love your writing. I know your mum in law has been ill and I am so sorry she not there next door for you. Then your friend as well. It always so sad when you lose someone young or to the unfair disease. Makes us all pray to just doze off one night and not wake up. The courage and strength to have come this far is beyond my comprehension. I am so proud of you both. You have more people on your side than you could imagine and we are all praying. I pray you have just a little time of peace to rest and recover even just a little. Hug your Man!!

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  33. All our words can't sooth the time or make it slow or hurry. But we can hold your virtual hand. I get the nurse thing. I had nurses for my friend Jeff but I was still there non stop. What if they didn't use the right fabric softeners on his sheets and they were scratchy. What if he was afraid.I had to be there as much for him and me. I broke more than a dish or a curling iron during the days of frustration. I almost broke a few people and relationships too. You may not feel like it but you got this honey. You are surfing it as shitty as it is, you're in its face not backing down.

    I fucking hate cancer...I'm sorry I cursed but no other word fits. I hate it.

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  34. Fingers crossed all over the world for tomorrow and the days that follow....xox

    calvikingchick YT

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  35. Lana, so very sorry. Thank you for being who you are and sharing your most personal feelings and experiences with us. You are doing all you can and God bless you for all the love you show to your husband and family.

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  36. Maybe a stronger anti-vomiting medicine can be used for Henry? It wouldn't hurt to ask. I don't understand why he's still vomiting so much.

    And, my condolences to the passing of Henry's mother! No, of course she would not mind that he could not be there.

    Take care of yourself Lana! You know what happens to many caregivers - physically and psychogically. You don't want to get sick yourself.

    ~ Louise

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  37. Fingers crossed here in San Diego ((hugs))

    Monica.

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  38. I'll keep my fingers crossed...and send bunches of prayers your way. *big hugs*

    Terri

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  39. I am so sorry to hear about the deaths of your MIL and friend, it must feel like everything is crashing down all at once. I so feel for you Lana and often think about you and Henry throughout the day; I wish I could just give you a big hug. Positive thoughts and tons of prayers are being sent your way and take a wee bit of comfort in knowing that though terribly sad and tragic as her loss is, Henry now has his mother as his guardian angel watching over him. I will be thinking about you both tomorrow and next Thursday and praying for good news.

    650Wendy

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  40. Oh my goodness Lana, you certainly are going through a lot. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law and your friend's passing. You have so much on your plate I can't even imagine. Good for you for going on a shopping spree! :o) You certainly deserve it. I am praying for you and your husband like crazy right now. Love you both. Hugs. G.

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  41. Dearest Lana, My condolences to you and Henry for the passing away of your mother in law and your friend. Your mother in law is probably looking down on you right now, proud as punch of you taking care of her son and I bet she'd be disappointed if you and Henry did try to make it to the funeral and horrified of the risks that it would pose to your dear Henry. She understands sweetie, of course she does. You don't have to justify yourselves to anyone Lana. Those who know you and of your plight only want for you and Henry to do what is right for you.
    A bit of retail therapy was overdue - enjoy your goodies....Lord knows you deserved that shopping splurge!
    I'm praying as I do every day, throughout the day, for you and Henry. I'm praying that all goes well during the scan, that it is not too demanding on Henry.
    The time you talk about when you and Henry hold hands and chat before you go to sleep are what me and my lovely husband call our 'putting the world to rights' time. Sometimes just chit-chat and small talk, other times, reflecting together and laughing about things or putting things right with each other. It's precious time Lana, that's what it is.
    I'm so with you on being there for Henry. NO ONE ON THIS EARTH can love him and care for him the way you do. If you're anything like me Lana, you may leave him for a couple of hours but end up turning the car around before you get out of the drive!!!!! You should recharge yourself though, don't burn yourself out. You know what I mean sweetheart.
    You and Henry have a very special place in my heart Lana, I love you so very much. Hugs, Leyla xxxooo

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  42. Lana, I have gone through my own personal hell with my husband so I feel for what you are going through. You are correct; nurses can only do so much. I didn't realize how strong I was until Richard became ill. And I thank God daily that I am able to be with him and care for him. Watching him struggle is sad but he gives me strength. This may sound perverse but it has actually brought us closer. Hang in there girlfriend. Do what you have to do. Shopping therapy is always good!

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  43. Lana, I so admire your strength and honesty. I hope everyone can take a little

    of your gift. The ripple effect is so powerful. I have lost parents, a sister,

    in-laws etc. and the loss was so painful; but to possibly lose my spouse or child

    has got to be the most horrible searing pain imaginable. I look at my husband of 30 yrs

    and am so thankful that we have not been through any major healthcare issues.

    I know, however, that it is inevitable that it will happen. I thank you for

    your openness and your sharing. I can take my curling iron or whatever and

    beat it to a pulp when I have to go through it. :) My prayers and thoughts are

    with you and your family.


    Kae

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  44. My dearest sweet Lana, words can not express the sadness I feel for what Henry and you are going through. You know how much I adore and love you... you have been like a big sister to me and oh how I have admired you since the day we met on YT. What you are both going through is so unfair and my heart truly breaks for you. If there was anything at all I could do I would, if I could take the pain away for just one day, I would. I love you and I am Praying for you and begging God to watch over you and Henry... my sincerest condolences on the loss of your MIL and good friend.. you both have been through so very much. All my love now and forever.

    Victoria~

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  45. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your MIL-I know she meant a great deal to you. Please do know that at least she is now at peace and free from disease and pain.
    I'm with Henry on not knowing. If someone asked if I could know the potential cause of my demise or give me some vague answer about when it might occur I would tell them NO I do not wish to know. None of us know what tommorrow will bring nor next month or next week. This moment now today is all we truly have and hopefully we are filling all of those moments with as much joy as we can.
    "Worry never robs tommorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy".
    much love to you both

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  46. Dear Lana
    Probably the worst emotion is the feeling of helplessness. Witnessing a loved one going through so much agony, and not being able to "control" any of it. It was during that season in my life that I accepted Jesus as my Savior. I realized that ultimately, it is only through God's grace, love, and mercy that I exist. Rather than ask, "where are you God?" consider asking yourself, "well, where did you put Him?" Press into Him, read His word. Pray for His comfort and Praise Him.

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  47. Dear Lana, My heart goes out to you over the loss of your mother in law. I know she meant so very much to you. Sweet Lana, I wish I could be there to give you a hug. Please know that I am praying for Henry and for you. May God bless you both and surround you with His Healing Angels. I love you.~Marilyn

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  48. Lana,

    I am so sorry for your losses. You are a strong woman, and you convey that strength every day. I am glad that you are taking some time for yourself. You are both so courageous, and we are all pulling for you. You are both in my thoughts.

    Hearts and thoughts,

    Samantha

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  49. Lana,
    My condolences for the death of your MIL and friend. I continue to pray for you and Henry. I am keeping fingers crossed that there will be some good news next week. You and Henry really need something good to happen soon. You are both tired and numbed from all the problems but there will come some light. Just keep fighting and hang in there. Think of yourself a little too and try to find some rellaxation and get some sort of rest. There are many people praying for you guys and god does not sleep, he is listening. Have faith. I will continue to pray and thingk about you and Henry. May be god be with you both and take good care of you. I pray that Henry is healed of that dreadful disease. Many hugs to you both from Amsterdam. Donna

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  50. Lana, So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother in law and friend. Sending prayers, good thoughts and big hugs to you and Henry. hoping that the tests today show some good news and that Henry gets better and better with each passing day. Much love. ;. . Vickie

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  51. Dearest Lana,I am so sorry about you MIL, I know how much she meant to you, and your dear friend. I realize you are in a living Hell on earth right now, but this will pass. I don't have any great motivational speech for you, just hang on and do whatever you need to do to do that, whether its shopping are running down the street naked. It doesn't matter as long as it helps. I still pray for y'all every day, but I haven't been able to post much, as all Hell has broken loose here, and I have to fly back to Canada tomorrow, with too many unresolved issues here in Florida, *sigh*. People will give you well intended advice, but just take the well meant sentiment, and discard the advice if it isn't right for you. All my love to you, Henry and all of your family.

    Your friend,
    floridapossum

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:

    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  52. I was so worried about you Lana. I am sooo sorry about your mother in law. I know she was a huge part of your life and how hard itmust be to deal with one death when trying to prevent another. I just hope you all finally get some good news. You both deserve it. And, hey, a little retail therapy can always do the heart good. Usually clothes and credit cards are better listeners anyways lol. Love you lots Lana and best of luck xoxo Sammie

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  53. Dear Lana, I am sorry to hear that you lost your mother in law and a dear friend this week.

    I am happy to hear that you went shopping :-) you need to get out of the house from time to time, you need to do something fun to be able to spend most of your time taking care of Henry.

    I understand that you want to take care of him yourself, no one can do that like you do it, but to have someone to help from time to time does not mean that you would stop taking care of him. I am thinking about you and Henry, sending love and hugs to you both.

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  54. Lana, your step kids didn't go to their REAL grandmothers ( your mother in laws) funeral? Wow! I'm asumming they didn't because than they would have visited thier dad at the same time. This story keeps getting weirder by each post :( it's almost hard to believe............

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  55. Dear Lana:

    Im very sorry about your lost. I don't have words to describe the sadness i have, Ive been reading your blog for a very long time and always brought a smile to my face. You are an inspiration for me and many people. You are such a strong woman along with you husband. I pray for Henry to get better, Hopefully you can get out of this dark tunnel you are in right now. You made me realized the important thing in my life which are my family and love ones not money or luxury. I wish i can meet you someday and give you a big hug. Take care.

    Much love
    Elizabeth

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  56. I'm speechless...such a sad story Lana..yet this is your life. My GOD..how much more can a person handle?? Glad you went shopping, even if only a few hours. I wish I could help in your situation. I have worked with Hospice and very sick people. My experience says to get a helper...someone you can trust being near your family and in your home. Its time to reach out and ask for help Lana...you can still love Henry during this time but you must love yourself first. One can only endure your situation for short term until they too succumb to illness or exhaustion. You have not failed when you ask for help...it is really allowing others to love you and care during this time...

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  57. Lana, I don't think I've left you a comment before but I love your videos and blog. I just want to let you know that even though I don't know you I have tears in my eyes! I hope everything goes well for your husband! I can't even imagine what both of you are going though! You are helping so many people by writing about this...no one really knows what tomorrow brings for any of us! We need to enjoy life each day we are here! I'm glad you went shopping...I think even through hard times we need to hold onto things that seem normal. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers!!! Take care of your husband and YOURSELF...and feel all the love from your internet friends!!! <3

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  58. I love you and am glad to see you finally letting some of the anger out! It does a body GOOD ;) I KNOW!

    My sincere condolence on the loss of your Mother in Law and friend, and I think you're absolutely right, they would not have minded one single bit that you weren't there -- it was best for both of you to stay home and that is what you did! It's still never easy to lose someone, and I feel for you!

    Hang in there and when you're ready, we're here for you!!

    xxxxooo HUGE love and prayers winging your way, Lana and Henry! May the news be most excellent!

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  59. Lana, You and Henry are in my prayers. With Love xoxo
    (((angel hugs)))

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  60. Sweet Lana, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I too, have been in your sad situation. It's amazing the strength we find when our loved ones need us.

    I'm reminded of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt..

    "A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

    Stay strong, SueXXX

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  61. Sending love, love and more love. And cranking out the ESP (emotional, spiritual and Positive) thoughts your way. You're on every prayer list here that I can find and I've sent out requests for others. We just need to get those positive vibes to wash over you and Henry. Know that you are loved dearly by your youtube family (and now your blog family). We think of you every day. Sending BIG WARM Hugs xxxx Eva

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  62. sending love and prayers and really really hope you'll get good news!!! Hugs xxx Marie

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  63. Lana, my deepest sympathies on your loss ...

    LANA, YOU MUST CHECK OUT THIS WOMAN'S BLOG! http://stylecrone.com Not only does she have incredible style - and looks nowhere near 68! - but when she started her blog, her husband was going through cancer treatments. Immediately I thought of you! She's very real, very honest, AND very, very uplifting!

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  64. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0psJhQHk_GI

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  65. I'm so very sorry for your losses, Lana :(

    I'm glad you got the chance to get some good shopping in! Loved seeing your haul on YouTube, you have FABULOUS taste!

    We are all still here, praying and sending you all our strength!!! Praying soSOso hard for good news!! All my love, Ria

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  66. Lana, sweet Lana. My "pink" internet doll that has no idea how many times she has brightened my day and lifted my spirits. The doll with the heart...that loves and gives to everyone she embraces into her world. What a beacon of light you have been for us all. It has been much much more than lipstick and handbags. I am a man that has none, nor needs neither. But I latched on to your spirit. My mother's death brought me to my knees and took my breath. You losing your Mom and the sweet, kind words you shared. The truth...with all its flaws...always the love came through. There is not a person that has been blessed to know you through these videos that doesn't know how much you love your dear husband. There are some truths that shine so brightly that everyones spirit is lifted. You are a wonderful companion to him. He is so very blessed to have you..and you, him. Memories are a wonderful thing. No one can take them from you. Be kind to yourself during these times. It is so important. Make these moments as special as you can. Allow yourself to be human...and humans are not always strong. Know that even on your roughest day, you can count your blessings and find something to feel grateful for. The most simple things can seem gigantic going through this. My prayers, my heart, my light and all in me that is good I am sending your way. I love you and care about you sincerely. If there is anything I can do to ease the load..the pain...please let me know.

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  67. You are right Lana no one can love your husband like you! But dishes and laundry and window washing is a nother story! sending love and prayers to you and your family. Chevonne

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  68. You both have my deepest sympathies on the death of Henry's Mother. Tough enough to be going through all this mess without the death of his Mother. I don't blame Henry at all for not going to the funeral. You don't want him to take a chance on picking up any infection. I know how it feels to not want to know anything and just live in absolute ignorance. I am glad that the tests will be done and you know where to go from there. I'll continue my prayers. Things have to get better! I saw your video from your shopping haul. Nice load of loot! You needed to get away and do something normal. Enjoy all your purchases. No one can do what you could do for your husband. No amount of money in the world. God bless you both. (((hugs)))

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  69. IT'S BECOME A TRITE SAYING,BUT LAUGHTER IS ONE OF THE BEST MEDICINES.WHEN I WAS SICK, I USED TO WATCH OLD SITCOMS AND FUNNY VIDEOS AND LAUGH LIKE A SILLY HYEENA!I COULD FORGET MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND REALLY LET GO. I THINK OF LAUGHTER AS "INTERNAL JOGGING".YOU'RE WORKING OUT YOUR STRESS AND FRUSTRATION BY DOING SOMETHING POSITIVE. LANA, YOU NEED TO LAUGH. YOU NEED A POSITIVE "EXIT" FROM ALL THE STRESS AND FRUSTRATION. I UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU DON'T WANT A STRANGER LOOKING AFTER HENRY. HOW COULD THEY CARE FOR HIM WITH THE SAME LOVE AND ATTENTION YOU DO?
    I SAID THAT LAUGHTER WAS "ONE" OF THE BEST MEDICINES. THE OTHER IS YOUR GRANDKIDS. CHILDREN SEE THE WORLD SO DIFFERENTLY. WHEN I WAS BALD, I WAS LAMENTING ABOUT NOT HAVING HAIR WHEN MY GREAT-NEPHEW, BETWEEN BITES OF DINNER, ANNOUNCED "DON'T WORRY AUNTIE NONI...IT'LL GROW BACK". THAT DID MORE FOR MY STATE-OF-MIND, THAN ANYTHING ELSE! SIT AND COLOUR WITH YOUR GRANDKIDS.TAKE THEM OUT TO LUNCH. JUST SPEND TIME WITH THEM AND GET AS MANY HUGS AS POSSIBLE!
    LIFE MAY BE BLEAK RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL AS HENRY. LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS, NONI/GLLITTERKID

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  70. Lana, I've been following you for almost a year now. My eyes were glued to ur post today and really with ur writing style I feel I'm living in ur shoes.. you pulled me in and there are no words now to describe how much respect I have for you. And I want to tell you to hang in there .... You are doing the best you can and more! you are definitively in my thoughts and especially my prayers

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  71. Dearest Lana,

    Just a warm hug your way for both you and Henry. My prayers are constant, love you so much. Leyla xxxooo

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