Monday Evening
Friday it began.
The countdown to Thursday.
To me, it's criminal to make a person wait 6 days to find out the results of the CT Scan taken on Friday.
This weekend was brutal. We did everything to keep our minds off it.
Gin Rummy.
A race to see who could complete the USA Today Crossword first. Watched old movies curled up together on the couch.
It didn't help at all. It's always there.
Haunting your mind.
Taking your breath away. One minute convinced the outcome will be perfect. Then in the next instant, dashed to depths of despair that it won't be.
Our appointment on Thursday is at 10:00 and I may not have any eyelashes left by then from stress and worry.
You see, this test will show if the cancer is gone or not. Did the treatments work? All of the pain and trauma? Will it be good news?
So, basically, we will get a
"You will live" or a "You will not live"
verdict.
Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around that.
To look at dying so close and personal?
Someone asked me in the comments about Henry's anti-nausea medicine. Is the dose strong enough?
It's not that sadly.
It's when he tries to swallow. Tries to brush his teeth, sip water.
He says he gags.
The tiniest sip of water goes down then comes right back up.
(He hasn't drank water or eaten by mouth in over 3 months)
He says he feels something back there and it chokes him.
(I cringe just writing these words down)
My hope is that it's dead cancer stuck back there. Cancer that was killed by the radiation. Cancer just stuck there doing nothing but being dead.
Please be DEAD! Please don't show up on a CT Scan as alive!
The doctor's words are our future.
I wonder if I will whoop in glee or melt into a puddle of crying blubber on the floor of the office.
If this is this hard for ME... Imagine how it must feel to be Henry?
I can't even.
So... We wait.
We continue to play cards, do the crossword and watch movies with Thursday, 10:00 on our minds.....
in my thoughts sweetheart. x
ReplyDeleteHoping, wishing, praying that Thursday @ 10:00 am will bring wonderful news to you and Henry! Biggest Hugs & Lots Of Love to you both! ♥ Vickie
ReplyDeletewww.youtube.com/watch?v=n7W-iBXr6Cs
ReplyDeleteLana, I have been devoted to reading your blog every since I first come across it. You are such an amazing lady to handle all this so well..I know on the inside you're falling apart, but on the outside, for him, you're strong. And that says alot. I don't think I could do it. You inspire me everyday to keep my head up..When I think things are going bad I remember the hardship your family is experiencing and I know that I shouldn't complain about the petty things happening in my life. I want you to know that I also just lost my aunt to cancer. She fought a great battle but fortunately for her, jesus called her home. One thing she said before she died was that she was happy. No matter what happened to her she was happier then than she had ever been in her life. I know faith is hard to keep when things are so horribly in your life, but God has a plan for us all. And whatever that might be for your husband and you, you must trust in him plan and accept it, even if it is hard. I hope I could lift your spirts a bit.
ReplyDeletePraying and waiting....You and Henry are on my thoughts every day always...it will be okay. Power of prayer does wonders; and we all are praying.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you!!! <3
ReplyDeleteLana I am praying so much for a good report. You are such a strong Lady your strength amazes me of course you in general has always amazed me . Trust me you will be in my thoughts big time come Thursday Morning at 10:00 . I am sending you Big Hugs and soft heartbeats . I love you dearly . Susie
ReplyDeleteI am sending you and Henry good thoughts, love and hope. You are doing everything you can Lana, take care of yourself, and Henry.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I am thinking of you and praying for you. XOXO
ReplyDeleteSending you love and light and hope. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteLana & Henry,
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts & prayers are with you both for positive results on Thurs. I know how excruciating this wait is going to be on you. If Henry has the strength please try to get outside for a short drive or anything that will get you away from the house to take your mind off things. Ask Henrys Dr for a scrip for numbing spray for his throat or try some over the counter throat sprays.
(((((Hugs)))))
Waiting is so horrible. It seems like everything gets done so fast & you get immediate results. Not tests. I die waiting for my mamogram results. Thank God so far everything is alright. My Mother died from the side effects of her chemotherapy. I remember the waiting for results. I pray you both get good results. All the horrible treatment & side effects Henry's gone through. Miracles do happen. Henry has so many people praying for him. Plus he has the best wife by his side. I will continue to pray for him. I pray hard every day. God is good & will help him.
ReplyDeleteLana, my heartfelt prayers are with you and your darling Henry as we wait for Thursday right along with you. May you find some peace and calm in the coming days. Fingers crossed for the "all clear" from the doctor!!!
ReplyDeleteLana and Henry, Praying........... Love, Brenda
ReplyDeleteLana you and the love of your life Henry continue to have my prayers. I think of you each day as thousands of us you have touched and reached out to. As I read your post today and the comments so many thoughts go through my mind. My mother was 1 (and the youngest) of 7 brothers and sisters. She went to Heaven in December. The last 3 years she lost 2 of her brothers to cancer. My aunt Betty is the last of all of them left. When I think of cancer I get really mad. What is this horrible thing?! It seems rampant. It seems that everyone today has a family member or friend that has had cancer. What makes me mad is we have walked on the moon. People have given millions and millions of dollars for research to cure and understand cancer. Why can't they cure it?????? What will it take to stop it? Maybe if we hate it enough it will go away. Love you Lana and please know Jesus is in your house with both of you. Prayer is powerful. We all love you. Debbie.
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for Henry to be free from cancer. Sending love and peace to you two. Love Sue xxx
ReplyDeleteWishing, hoping, praying for the best. Love to you both...
ReplyDeleteMary Sue
Lana and Henry, I'm praying with every fiber of my being for the cancer to be gone!!! I will make sure to be praying Thursday at 10 with my mom, gotta shower you both in prayers!!! All my love, strength, and positive energy! Ria
ReplyDeleteYou and Henry are in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong Lana! Big hugs x00xx
ReplyDeleteLana, just to let you know that car rides are also a great way to kill time and hang out together at the same time. My hubby and I went for many while waiting for results. Drive by your favourite hang outs and haunts. You can do the driving if Henry is too weak or if his choking would put you both in danger. Just remember we are all out here praying for you and Henry, if it is God's will he will be cancer free. I pray that God will answer our prayer in this way. Don't worry about your blog, just know we are all out here with love in our hearts for you and Henry.
ReplyDeleteDearest Lana and Henry, I know that right now, time seems interminable. We want it to rush when it seems to be too slow, then grind to a halt in moments we want to last forever. I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make Thursday and your waiting ordeal come faster. If I could I would sweetheart and no prizes for guessing what my heart's desire is for dear Henry and you. All I can do is continue to love you, to pray for you with all my strength and I will do. Love you so much Lana. Warm hugs to you both. Leyla xxxooo
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and your husband, as I do everyday... Everything is gong to be alright!! A miracle is coming your way :)
ReplyDeleteHenry and Lana,
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for a miracle. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. That is His promise to us. He can still heal today, His word is alive and well. Most importantly, He is right there by your side. Find peace in knowing, He is there and He loves you. <3
PomMomLisa
You are both heavily in my thoughts as I hope and wish for good news. You have the support of each other as well as the support of all of us. We are all pulling for you!
ReplyDeleteHearts and thoughts,
Samantha
Hugs and love, Lana. Hugs and love. Lou xxxx
ReplyDeleteDear Dear Lana and Henry, My prayers and thougts are with you. May the good lord chooses to let Henry stay at our planet for a long long time .
ReplyDeleteA big cyber hug from Amsterdam <3
With love
Julia
I can't even imagine going through something like this. I admire you for being able to still put smiles on other peoples faces (via youtube) even though you're hurting so much on the inside. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying for you and your Henry. Love
ReplyDeleteYour in my prayers Lana as is Henry.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you both,
Hugs& Prayers
DeDe
Lana & Henry,
ReplyDeleteThrough my tears as I read, I can see you both snuggled up close together. Imagining the things you say to one another with a look. Wondering how Henry manages to call you his affectionate little pet names with his eyes. You two have a ton of love, and we have a ton of prayers! xoxoxo Natalie (Natalie075)
My Sweet Lana and Henry,
ReplyDeleteI'm praying so much for a good report.
Fingers crossed.
Hugs and Prayers,
Janaina from Brazil.
Still sending up prayers for Henry & you, Lana. Waiting for test results is very painful, I know. I hope it helps to know that so many people are thinking of you both and praying for a good outcome.
ReplyDeleteRockysmom/Debbie
I pray and think of you all so often. Even though we are total strangers, I feel so much compassion and hurt for you and your family. In the midst of pain, trials, turmoil in our lives, sometimes its hard to find where God is in all of it, but one of my favorite bible verse is in Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is might to save. He will take great delight in you he will quiet you with his love, and he will rejoice over you with singing." He is there carrying you and your precious husband! I pray you feel his comfort! Carolyn
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for Thursday. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI am all the way in Texas, but when I read your words Lana, I just want to jump in my old car and drive all the way to your house, ring the bell, and give both you and Henry big hugs. But that would probably freak you out, so I will just tell you that you are both in my thoughts and prayers. (Vividsmile1 on Youtube)
ReplyDeletePrayers... <3<3<3
ReplyDeleteSending lot's of love and prayers xxx
ReplyDeleteFinally back in Canada, wow what a long trip, but it gave me lots of time to think and pray about y'all. You know I'm here, you know I'm praying. Love you guys and I'll be waiting to here. Never lose hope.
ReplyDeletefloridapossum
Light your candle and please pray really, really hard for Lana and Henry here:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI
Wishing and praying for. Great news. I hope your husband and you get through this difficult time!
ReplyDeleteYou & Henry are in my daily prayers. This is the toughest thing to go through. We often don't realize what a gift EACH day is till death is potentially staring us in the face. Nobody really knows the depth of feelings you are going through till it may be their turn. As a nurse I see horrible sad things as well as miracles and joy!I pray for miracles & joy for Henry. Love him and lean on each other & just be there.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Irregardless of your results you have each other and that is priceless. Love the old movies. It is preciouse time together that everyone out there should take. So often we are always go, go, go. As the saying goes, slow down and smell the roses. Enjoy each other, as you probably would not have done before. HUG YOUR MAN :)
ReplyDeleteI gratefully acknowledge that divine direction and support are available to everyone. I pray and affirm the highest and best outcome for all. Amen
ReplyDeleteThinking of you tomorrow at 10am,,,,
ReplyDeleteLana, let's hope that 10:01 has you doing a happy jig in the doctor's office. I don't understand why they can't tell you over the phone. I will say some extra "shouts" for you both and will send mega-super strength twinkles, sparkles, glitter, confetti, hugs and love to you both. God Bless you both. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI know that no number of these comments, though sweet and amazing will ever really make a difference when it comes down to it, but I hope that the sheer number of people who love you and want the best for your husband and yourself brings you some comfort and hope. Whatever the outcome of this test, and I pray it is the best one possible, I am thinking of you. Love all the way from Auckland, New Zealand. Emma <3
ReplyDeleteLana, I am thinking about you and Henry....I have said a special prayer for the two of you. I hope tomorrow brings you the sweet happy news you both so deserve! Keep hoping and smiling....it will all be behind you soon!
ReplyDeleteHeart in mouth, praying like wildfire for you and Henry today. Lana, I hope for the best for you and Henry today. No matter what our prayers will not cease. Remember you are loved.
ReplyDeleteHi guys....
ReplyDeleteUp early this morning and the first thing I did was pray to God for good news. I know he is still in the miracle working business, so I'm expecting good things for you both. Keep trusting...
PomMomLisa <3
Lana, I NEVER comment on blogs, but I felt compelled because your posts have touched me profoundly. I am not a religious or even spiritual person but I am praying for you and your husband and that the cancer is dead, as you say.
ReplyDeleteSending much love to both you and Henry today and every single day!
ReplyDeleteJeanne