Thursday, August 25, 2011

What a Day

Thursday 5:00 a.m.
I am writing this in complete darkness on my iPad on 3G.
How did we ever get by in life without 3G?

Now that treatments are over and we are "Out to Pasture" I finally made an appointment to get my hair done. Nasty looking roots and scruffy hair. Who am I these days?
I needed a three hour window between feeding tubes, bandage dressings, pills and just being "nurse" and was really looking forward to today. 

To go to a salon and forget for three hours and be pampered. *sigh

My three hour hair appointment was going to be like Heaven. Escape.
3 hours in a beauty salon... New sights and smells and people becoming beautiful. Beautiful hasn't been in my vocabulary at all lately. I feel a mess. No feeding tubes or bandages or nausea here...
As soon as my sister Karen applies the color to my hair and the foil wraps I take two minutes to call home.
The phone rings. I almost hang up worried that I will have woken him and sleep is so precious right now. It comes and goes for him in 3-5 minute intervals. The mucus is like the Spawn of Satan waiting there to choke or drown.
One more ring and I'm going to hang up and fly out the door foils and all and go check on him. I can peek in the window and just see and know he's alright.

He answers in a sad little croak. "Hello?"
"How are you? Are you ok?" I ask with a load of apprehension sitting on me like a brick bat.
"I'm fine. He answers back but I can tell, Something isn't fine.
"What is it? I can tell by your voice something's up, now spill it. Spill it now!" 

I tell him with so much authority. 
When did I become so authoritative?
He knows I mean business so he tells me. 

"I found a lesion on my tongue. It's small but it hurts."
My heart just sinks and I swear I feel every foil on my head go limp.
A sore on his tongue could mean this stuff is spreading. Already? Treatment just ended on Monday. Does this and can this metastasize so quickly? Not going there. I am being and living and EATING positivity these days. Eating it for breakfast lunch and dinner.
"I'm on my way out the door" I screech into the phone. My voice so high pitched I don't even recognize that it's me once again in panic mode.
"I'm fine Lana.  Just relax and then check it when you get back. I shouldn't have told you" he says so weakly into the phone, his voice so tired.

My day at the salon just turned not so fun and I asked Karen to step it up. It's finished and looks fine. 
It's hair.
I race home. There is a storm brewing. 

Big dark evil looking clouds fill the afternoon sky as I pull into the garage.
I run in the house throwing my handbag and heels to the side like they are enemies and get to work.
I check out this lesion. It's there but not as horrible as I had imagined on the drive home.
I will call the doctor tomorrow or as soon as this storm rages itself out. The wind is picking up and lightning strikes are everywhere outside. The world seems to be groaning in response to my fear of lesions and bad hair.
I set out to feed Henry his meal via his feeding tube. Sometimes I feel like I have a 3 month baby to care for, but as moms we don't mind feedings etc. It's what we do.
Te phone rings as soon as I flush the tube with water and shut it. It's my son telling me to watch the weather reports. It's getting worse outside by the minute.
Sheets of sideways rain, hail and wind.
I run to gather candles and flashlights as the dark sky menaces and the wind howls.
I hear a limb crack off the 75 year old trees in the front yard.
The power flickers then goes off with a crack of nearby lightning then goes off. 

Total darkness.

My husband is pacing in circles and I can see in the dim light of the flashlight that he is looking  the color of a rotten green egg and says he feels nauseous.
My cell phone rings.
It's my mother in law's nurse. Her oxygen is run by electric and the power has been cut off by the storm. Can I come next door and help her? The reserve portable tanks are there and full of precious air but she can't get them running. 

Are you serious right now?

I can hear the  hail as it bounces off the skylights. :Ping

Lightning strikes are coming faster by the second. The storm intensifies and so does my husbands nausea.
My husband is on his knees puking into the guest powder room toilet. The storm is raging.
Who and what do I do first?
This rescue of my mother in law's oxygen supply has been practiced and rehearsed many times by her in the last 6 months. She lives in constant fear of the power going out and her oxygen being cut off. 

She will panic and I know it. She's 95 and very ill herself. 
She's 95.
At 95 years old you get one thing in your mind and that's all that's there. Her oxygen situation. She dwells upon it. 


I asked her once, "Sally, if there's a full on tornado going on and your power goes out, what do you want me to do?" 
I truly dreaded her answer. She's 95 you know.
"Why Lana,  you come over and get my portable oxygen going for me!"
Simple as that, huh?
Just open the door and do I run over on foot or drive my car? Which is safer in a tornado?

 I check on my husband in the weak light of the flashlight. I give him cold washcloths for his mouth and get him settled back into his chair. He's ok just wracked by the heaves to his sore damaged throat and the newly filled feeding tube. Hurling with all that is so painful and traumatic.

I grab my big umbrella.
The storm has not let up one bit.

I brace myself, count to three and run the 200 yards to my Mother In Law's house.  My new hair-do or the fear of lightning hitting the umbrella? I throw the umbrella aside and make a dash. Run!
Her oxygen is off, the house is pitch black and the girl we hired to care for her is scared to death. Of the storm or the lack of Sally's oxygen I don't know which.
 Her hands are shaking. I can't see her face in the pitch darkness but I can sense her fear. 
I get her oxygen running and do most of it by memory in the dark as the storm rages on outside. Done. 

Now back home I race across the yard that separates our two houses to check on Henry.
He looks so wan and weak. Pale and puny.
Tomorrow we go for blood work and IV fluids to hopefully give him some pep in his step.
Still no electricity. 

10:45 a.m. Thursday
We arrive at the chemo infusion clinic with no showers and half brushed teeth. Mussed up hair and yesterday's clothes on.  All this from a girl that would apply blush just to go out to get the mail.
We sit in a private infusion room. No more 3G today as I write this down in my blog.  The Chemo clinic has power!
My blog has become my lifeline to the outside of this cancerous world we have found ourselves dumped in to.
Storms are over. 


  1. You are freaking superwoman Lana! But seriously...why hire someone if they are going to freak out that easily??

  2.! You are a champ. Love you!!!
    Be safe dear Lana. By now you can face AND handle just about anything.
    You Rock m'dear!

  3. Oh my dear, this made me choke up, you're a really Rock.
    God love you both - you deserve to win this war.
    Praying and sending lot of loving healing positive energy.
    Varm hugs for you both from Brazil.

  4. Sending prayers your way. I am a caregiver to my mom so I can relate to you. Some days I look at myself and think "gosh you look old" but that is not what is important now.

  5. I hear the wonder woman theme in the background! Although none of us ever want to face this, you are truly wonder woman now! You go girl! I am sending you strength and healing prayers.

  6. Lana, I love you dearly. It sounds like you doing everything you can and it is working hon. Bless your heart and bless Henry's throat. I want to help you and wish I could. Continue being strong when it is needed and letting go when you can. xoxo Jeanie

  7. Lana,
    You truly are a blessing! I will keep praying for ya'll! God Bless! xoxo Candace

  8. Yes you are A-mazing. No doubt about that! A true blessing to your husband and your mother in law. We love you, dont forget it♥

  9. You are one in a million!
    G_d bless!

  10. Lana today was a riot and a nightmare! If you saw it in a movie you'd probably laugh. You poor thing being pulled in so many directions. I hope the lesion is nothing. I pray it is. Whenever you can get back to your beauty routine. You need something for yourself. I guess you find it very hard to laugh these days. I pray you'll find some laughter soon. God bless you and Henry.

  11. Bless your heart Lana!!! You are such an amazing person!! I dont wanna give you any wrong informtion but when i went through cancer i had pretty agressive chemo treatments and ended up with sores in my mouth. I'm just sayin it could be due to all the chemo and or radiation combined. I mean I am not a doctor or nothing but it is possible. Just trying to lift your spirits :) I continue to pray for healing of your Henry and that when you go back to the Dr. you will get great news. Many, hugs, thoughts and prayers to you both. Faith, Hope & Love <3 Anita

  12. Lana, I am praying for you and Henry. My message is linked to my name.
    (((angel hugs))) Donna xoxo

  13. Holy mackerel, Lana. Wish I could send you a hug. Or a Xanax.

  14. Praying all the time for you both!! Sending all my love from my heart to yours, Ria

  15. WOW...what a CRAZY day girl. Glad to hear you somehow managed to get through it. Thank God each day is a new day.

    Love you,

  16. you are SUPERWOMAN no other words to describe you. we will keep the prayers coming for you lana. love you lots xoxo sammie

  17. Still praying my heart out.

    Please light you candle and say your prayers for Lana and Henry here:

  18. You are officially a superhero.

  19. Holy crap you've got a lot on your plate! You're superwoman looking after everyone. Lana you are truly incredible. Still lots of prayers and positive energy being sent yours and Henry's way! Love and hugs.

  20. Hi Lana,
    That was surely a day from hell but you made it. I wish Icould be there to help you but I am far away. You are doing a hell of a good job there and I take my hat off to you. You deserve to win this battle and poor Henry....cannot imagine what he is feeling. I pray for you both every day. The lesion on the tongue can be a sore due to all the treatment he has been having. Those treatments are gruelling and remember he is very weak and not even eating normal food so his resistance is also lower than normal. Do not panic, just stay calm and only worry when you have facts and when you have to.
    I pray that god gives you both the strength to get through this difficult time in your lives and that Henry gets a relief from this hoorible ailment very soon. Have faith in knowing that people survive everyday and he can. I look around on the internet and ther are sooooooooo many survivors of this very disease. Some people have been to hell and back but they have made it. They have lived to tell the tale. Cancer these days does not have to be a death sentence. I will continue to pray for you guys. Love and many hugs from Holland. Donna

  21. Lana..iam so so proud of you : ))

  22. Dearest Lana, I am total awe, immensely proud of how you handled your chaotic day. Most people would crumble into a heap but not you, NOT OUR LANA!!! When the going gets tough there's no stopping you! I am so proud of you, we are all proud of you and your ability to deal with one hell of a day. I hope you are all safe, that the storm has abated and you manage to get some rest. Love to you both, lots and lots of love. Leyla :) xxxooo

  23. Lana, I am still praying everyday for you and Henry. God will work his miracle. You are a rock right now and you will get a chance to 'let down' and relax. It is coming soon. Things are going to be better. The sore in Henry's mouth is probably a side effect of his treatment. You hang in there hon, we are all out here praying for you.


  25. God Bless your family Lana. Just remember, if He brings you to it, he will get you through it. <3

  26. Dear Lana, I hear see and feel you when you write. I know I shouldn't think or say this under the circumstances, but Lana, your blog entries are such great reading. It's your compassion even when you are under pressure your tightly reigned nerves don't falter,yet we all know that in silence it's nerve-wracking for you. I here your emotions but feel your loving caring ways stronger, you keep a grip on reality and don't let your thoughts turn to negative ones. You are proving that writing about your thoughts, feelings, and memories can strengthen your spirit.

    This is a very emotional time for you right now and by sharing every step you empower other women who might be going through similar situations. Through the despair that dominates yours and Henry's life right now you touch our hearts and we feel there is also hope for us.

    Thank you for sharing some truly touching moments and may God Bless you Lana. This must have been a dramatic and devastating time for you and Hanry, so daunting and most certainly requires a degree of determination to make it to where you and Henry are now. It's not been a smooth ride Lana and i'm sure your heart was breaking, reading your every step will surly be a memorable journey to us all, the qualities of caring, perseverance and patience come fast when you love someone so deeply. Henry is a very luck man to have you by his side. Much love always Lana and Hanry ....
    Hugs Margaret (TheNunaFeedTheDucks)x x x x

  27. PLease watch this video and read about the Gerson Therapy. Chemo and Radiation is not the only choice people have. The documentary is called "The Beautiful Truth"

  28. I wish I had known about this treatment when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, when my aunt was diagnosed with kidney cancer and when my uncle was diagnosed with spinal cancer. I watched all three of them die after being pumped with poison/chemo/radiation $$$$$ just to prolong their lives enough to line the pockets of the doctors and my loved one to suffer more pain to see what would kill them first...the cancer or the treatments!

  29. You're a real woman that everyone girl should aspire to be. Taking care of your family...even in a storm! Amazing.

    I'm happy you got to have some pampering at the salon, even if it was short lived. You can't take care of Henry or your mother in law if you don't take some "Lana time" and do something for you. =)

    Maybe that yucky lesion is nothing serious and just his body's way of healing itself. Keep up the positivity!


  30. Dear Lana, You have no idea what an inspiration you are to all of us here. If only there was some way we could help...for now, we can only offer our prayers and words of encouragement. God bless both you and Henry. You're in our thoughts and prayers everyday.

  31. I pray for you both daily...God bless you Lana. God bless you...

  32. Oh Lana, you're being so strong and so brave. I sit and whine about how fat I am, how I don't eat right, etc. etc., and then I read this and I realize I have no problems. I can't imagine what you're going through. All I can do is send you super strength pixie dust, twinkles, sparkles, confetti, glitter, hugs, prayers and love. May God Bless you and Henry and hold you in His arms and get you through this. And remember you can't take care of Henry unless you take care of yourself....

  33. Hi Lana,

    I've been watching your Youtube videos for quite some time now as I find you to be a breathe of fresh air and I have been silently following your blog. You are a very honest and genuine woman and you are very open with your life story. I very much admire the tenacity with which you have been fighting for your husband's life. You are a very strong woman and I appreciate you sharing your struggles, doubts, fears, breakdowns, and everything else in between. I sincerely pray that Henry makes a full recovery and I hope that God blesses you and your husband with many more happy years together. I can't believe this but I am brought to tears sitting here typing this message to you. I just know that you are an amazing woman with a beautiful heart and I hate to see good people go through bad things. I wish you all of the luck in the world and you and your husband are in my prayers.

    Thank You For Sharing!


  34. Holy heck, Lana...what a day. I'm not sure if I took a single breath while I read your blog. I think of you guys often and send healing thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine how worn out you must feel. We're all rooting for you and Henry!
    Much love to you both,
    Mary Sue

  35. My word, Lana, you truly did have an extra bad day today. You handled it all like a champ though. My heart goes out to you and Henry. Thinking of you both often and praying for you both.


  36. Lana, You are an amazing woman. I just adore you! Your mother in law and Henry are so blessed to have you in their lives. this world is a better Place because you are in it. God bless you, Henry and your mother in law. Hugs,~Marilyn

  37. My god Lana what a day, I just read and read your blog without taking a breath..... my thoughts are with you both and hope hope for a are loved by many! A very Big hug -Julia

  38. Lana,
    If a person ever wondered if Youtube is a good thing you are proof that it is Lana. Not only do you have hundreds of people who have never met face to face giving you love and support; but you are such an inspiration in return. It seems to me it demonstrates the goodness of people in hard times in this trying world. Many years of intense care giving for my mother and father gives me some understanding of what you and Henry are going through. You must take care of yourself for Henry and for your sake. Have you considered having someone give you relief at least an hour or so some days so that you can rest? You and your beautiful husband continue to have my daily prayers. Debbie.

  39. There's not much more to say Lana, but do me a favour, look after yourself too.... they need you well too... superwoman! ( and so do we..X )

  40. OMG! This is tearing you apart Lana! Perhaps you can look into your insurance to see if a home-health care aid would be covered for a few hours a week with Henry, so you can do what you need to do outside the home.

  41. I check in with you daily and am with you in spirit. The Holy Spirit knows your groanings and unspoken utterances. Your inner strength is being tested and refined....Really!
    Hang in there, girl, we love you.

  42. Lana, you are a beautiful and courageous woman. I pray God's strength for you and healing for your dear husband.

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  44. Thanks for taking the time to update~ Your words take me directly to your experience Lana....have you considered a autobio?/ I would read it..Dar

  45. Love you so much and send tons of it to both of you with positive rays of light. Try and get some time for yourself - it does matter. Hugs xxx Eva

  46. Thinking of you and praying for you and Henry. If I could be there to help you I would. We're here for you. Sending love.

    Mrs.Suze51 (Canada)

  47. Lana,

    I know you are a strong woman but if you can take care of yourself also. It seems hard but the sun will shine, I can feel it. You do not know me except for my comments on your videos but I care about your husband health and yours also. If you need to vent everyone is here for you.The higher power is watching you and has you in his arms.

  48. Lana, if people like you were running our countries, there'd be no madness in the world. God love you both. Lou xx

  49. Are you for real!! It's like out of some prank patrol. I know it's real but what are the chances. As the saying goes when it rains it's pours. Literally in your case. You did amazing. And I am sure you are sitting back now and looking up saying "are you serious". Like, come on...what are the chances. As I said earlier you handled everything swimmingly well. Go hug your man :)


  51. You literally are a superwoman! Kill all the badies and protect all the good. Henry is a fighter, no doubt both of you will achieve the greater good~ Stay strong, stay safe!

    Love, Fran

  52. You are a truly amazing woman. I am sure in years to come; you and Henry will look back on this day and laugh about it. I do not know where you find the strength to deal with all this but I thank you very much for sharing it. You are truly an amazing woman.

  53. This comment has been removed by the author.

  54. love you Lana.. God bless you and your husband..

  55. Dear Lana,

    My prayers are with you and your beautiful family family . Please remember you are stronger then you think and God's love will make you stronger . Whenever you feel to weak he will be your strength , he will never leave your side you can find peace in him and his work .You are never alone!

  56. Lana, I've read your blog on and off and seen your videos. I have a son that is medically fragile and severly disabled; he's been on a feeding tube for years.

    Ask your doctor if Henry can have a Scopolamine patch (prescription). My son wears it behind his left ear to dry up secretions so he won't choke. (He has to be side lying or he'll choke on his own secretions.)

    I am over the border in Illinois. You can write to me at if you need a friend. My son's been on oxygen and he's had over 70 hospitalizations so I understand a lot of what you have been going through. I have some other ideas of things that may make it easier.

    I have been praying for you both and will keep you in my prayers.


  57. Praying for the both of you. May God give you both the strength you need to get through this.

  58. I'm still here Lana! I was out of town for the weekend and away from the computer, but I'm still praying even when you don't see me.

    Light your candle and say your prayers for Lana and Henry here:

  59. Lana, my prayers to you and your Henry! I’m glad to hear he went through he’s last treatment. We all know how depressing going through an illness can be. It not only affects the person that is sick but the family members are affected as well. Think that is only temporary and that you are lucky to have each other. Keep your cheerful attitude and don't forget to take time for you also.
    Love Mirna!

  60. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your husband. Your an amazing lady, a real inspiration.

    Love M xxx

  61. Dearest Lana, Hope you and Henry are having a peaceful time together, celebrating no more dreaded mask. Your courage and spirit are an inspiration to us all sweetheart. Lots of love, Leyla xxxooo

  62. Lana, Really a storm and your mother in law without oxygen? I cannot even believe that you have to go through all of this! I was so happy when I started reading to know that you finally had some time to yourself. WOW is all I have to say about that! There is a special place in Heaven for you my friend. Truly a special place. Well after reading this it will change my thoughts about storms. I am so afraid of storms, have been since I was a child. Now when it storms I will think of you leaving Henry to run over to take care of your mother in law. Once again, your writing has really put things into perspective for me. Thoughts, love, prayers, and HEALTH are with you always! Until next time my friend. Kathy : )
    Oh and btw so happy to see you on YouTube. Through all of this hell, you still manage to look gorgeous and have so much class! xoxoxox

  63. youre one in a million, Lana! since the first day I started watching your YouTube beauty videos I couldnt stop! I watched almost all of them because I totally loved your personality and how you never know what you are going to say next. I hope you know how many people out there care for you and the tough times you are going through. All my best to you and Henry. I know you two will get through this. I admire you for your strength, keep your head up.
    Love, from California

  64. Dearest Lana, tell Henry it's time to get that knife out of his neck! Praying at least daily and ask people I know to add y'all to their prayer list. Hope y'all are resting and hope and pray for pain relief and health for Henry.

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:

  65. Precious One

    What if our blessings come from teardrops?

  66. Oh Lana,
    My heart goes out to you. I'd been busy dealing with shit in my own life over the past few months, although nothing compared to yours!..but I hadn't really noticed your YouTube absence until I watched your video last night. I got halfway through, and jumped over to your blog. I've just spent the best part of 4 hours between last night and tonight reading all the posts. My heart just aches for you, your husband, and your family. I'm so sorry that someone with so much good in their heart is going through such a traumatic ordeal. I was diagnosed with an incurable disease last year, again so mild compared to this, but 'health' and having it made so much sense to me for the first time ever really. I wish I could erase the past 3 months for you. Sending love across the world to you and your beloved.
    --Weslie (aka 13inky)

  67. Thinking about you today, hoping you are getting brake now that the treatiment is over for this time. Hugs for you Lana.

  68. Lana,
    You and I do not know each other. I have been checking in on you via your blog for the last couple of months as I have sat at the IU Med Center Cancer center while my mother was hospitalized for 2 months. I have watched several of your youtube videos over the last year or so and always enjoyed your sunny outlook on things. My mom has Breast Cancer w/ Bone Met's she is only 69 years young as of 8-20.
    I don't normally post to any blogs but felt the need to do so today. I just want you to know that you have someone praying for you right here in your hometown. I have seen comments from all over the us and the country....the internet is a wonderful thing!!!! Just know that you have someone near that has been praying as hard for your husband as I have been for my mom.....

  69. Have missed you dearly!! Thank you for the sweet message you left us on youtube it brought me to tears but then you made me laugh when you told the story about your friend and the check!! made me laugh so darn hard.... thats the Lana i remember and missed. I continue to pray for healing of your dear Henry. Faith, Hope & Love Anita (LaLaBella5a)

  70. Lana, Just wanted to say I am thinking about you and your husband and praying for both of you often.

  71. Lana, I just love the way you write, and your timing is just perfect. I'm reading along and just as I say ( "what the hell is she thinking..going outside in a storm with an umbrella ?!?", you ditch the umbrella! That really made me smile.
    Sending along prayers as always...for you, rest and peace. For Henry, heal, soothe, heal, soothe...repeat. :)
    Love to you both,

  72. Thinking of you and hoping no news is good news.

  73. Lana, dear, it is always us caregivers who go down first : you should have had a close family friend or relative, or a respite nurse, sit with him so you could at least have those three hours.

  74. Dearest Lana, Warm hugs and prayers of strength and relief for you and Henry. Much love, Leyla xxxooo


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