Thursday, August 4, 2011

Epic Fail

9:30 a.m.
You know how I now feel about Thursdays. Total torture all wrapped up into a 10 hour day.
Blood Lab.
Chemo for 6 1/2 hours. 

Today began as the last three chemo/Thursdays  began. Up and feed "Franklin"  15 mg. Valium in the feeding tube at 7:30 to be good and onboard for the dreaded mask.
Apply the Lidocane at 8:30 to numb the port for the IV.
Be at the blood lab by 9:30.
Walk to the radiation clinic for 45 minutes of red-hot skin-shredding beams of radiation then back to the infusion clinic for chemo. (How is it I now know what an "Infusion Clinic" is anyway?)
61/2 hours of chemo then drag my poor man home and put him to bed and hope he doesn't hurl.

Today was an Epic Fail from the start.

I feed "Franklin" and add the Valium.
Out the door and I drive to the Blood Lab. We wait. 
I love the Hurry up and wait process. It's much like a busy airport, huh?
They call him in and the phlebotomist is new. She takes blood via the numbed port but then takes the IV out! Grrr.  It should remain there for the Chemo drug so not to be stuck twice.
Blood taken and down the elevator to rush to the Radiation Clinic. 
Guess What? It's broken AGAIN! Did you hear that silent Yippeeee! From my husband. We both breathe a bit of a sigh of relief. I know... It's not doing any good if the treatment isn't administered but I think a radiation-break is in order. The skin around the neck and throat are almost purple and peeling, swollen this morning so yay, Yippeeee!
We head to the Chemo building for the Cisplatin. Fun.
We get there and of course, wait.
This time they tell us we are waiting on lab reports.
We are ushered into a room to speak to a Nurse Practitioner. You guessed it. The blood values were all wrong. Low platelets, low white and red blood counts. Bad BUN and Creatinine. Am I so wrong to be happy to be a FAIL???
It's like we got a hall pass for the day. Freedom!

I am going to tell you of a fail of a different kind today.
Last night I had a 2 year old melt down. My youngest grand daughter and I have much in common, it seems. When she is mad or frustrated or doesn't get her way, what does she do? She rears herself back, her face turns red and she melts it down like a pro. She's not quite two years old. 
Last night I became Tenley in the most childish way. Let me tell you this is like living in a pressure cooker 
( Insert lame excuse right here)
Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out and rolled over  with a 12 ton bus and 15 Mack Trucks. 
It happens.
It completely got ahold of me last night and I lost it. Lost it right in the middle of the kitchen. I felt as tho I couldn't go on for another minute without exploding so I did. I did it right but did it wrong.
I raged inside and then for 3.2 seconds I had the most delicious wonderful feeling as I took my MacBook Pro and dashed it to the ground and watched it as it broke apart in to a hundred electronic pieces on the ceramic floor. 

As I said, for 3.2 seconds it felt so right. It felt so medicinal. So Deliciously evil.
 When the anger and rage and horror of what I had just done wore off.... I wasn't feeling so good again but I cried and raged inside. Got rid of it and felt regret as I looked at the pile that once was my laptop. 
Not regret for my broken laptop but regret for my broken husband and our broken lives.  I had visions of how I could take this cancer and dash it to the ground in the meanest, ugliest, wretched way and watch it break into a million bits and be gone forever to be thrown away. 
3.2 seconds of sheer glee. If only.
Oh, to be two years old again....


  1. Dear sweet Lana, It is all right to have a meltdown. Sometimes, it is truly the best way to express what is going on inside ourselves. It feels terrible to have our lives thrown totally into a chaotic mess. We feel helpless--so for those few moments while we're in "meltdown" mode--we feel as if there is some order to the chaos.

    Please know that you are so greatly loved. We are all here rooting for you and Henry. You are in my prayers, always.

    With love and hugs,~Marilyn <3

  2. Bless you honey. I wish I could take away every horrible moment y'all have been through. Being the rock for someone isn't easy and sometimes you have to release that emotional poison so you can function. Maybe you should start trashing things that you don't like and see if that helps. I'm sure it's good for the soul.


  3. Lana I wish I could do something for you ..I feel so helpless . All I do is write to you but the most important thing that I am doing and so are many others is Pray. I pray for you and I pray for strength and healing . I wish so badly I could reach out and just hold your sweet hand ....It is okay to act out . You are so right it is like you were having a nice dinner and your doorbell rang and BAM it was Cancer ....and since that day your lives have been turned every way possible. I believe in Miracles and I pray for you and Henry. I love you dearly. Susie ღ ۵

  4. Thinking of you and your husband every day.

  5. Lost for words just want to be there to give you a hug xxxxxJoolsxxxxxxx

  6. That was the best 3.2 seconds you've had can be the analogy for the treatment obliterating Henrys cancer...if only that could be as quick. My catharsis was taking a splitting mall to my Italian espresso machine when it quit working after an ineffective repair;and it was for a farless stressful event than what you've endured. I have a friend who gets dishes at a thrift store and smashes them when things get too "encompassing", so feel free to hit Goodwill have more Henley meltdowns, cheaper than a Macbook but just as effective. Meanwhile I hope your Mac was on a protection plan and you can just smile sweetly and say "I dropped it.", no explanation needed!!


  7. Oh Sweet Lana,

    I feel like you are a dear old friend. My heart is breaking for you and your wonderful husband. I think of what you two are going through and each day hope for a miracle. Please know that there are many of us that you have never met but have touched our lives. We are all pulling and praying and wishing for a miracle. Hang in there and know we are here for you.

  8. "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
    ~ Unknown
    Keep hanging in there Lana!
    It will be OK!
    *huge hugs*

  9. Dear Lana,
    You have to find a way to release all that emotion and anger otherwise you may explode! Good on you,Lana!I bet it felt good to have a little two year old tantrum! Sometimes it is just all too hard.You are after all only human.I know Henry needs you so very much but sometimes you just need a little "me" time otherwise you will be no good to anyone.
    You and Henry are in my thoughts and prayers.Now take a deep breath and go give Henry a big hug.You rock,Lana! Go Lana!
    Big hugs,Julia xxxx xxxx

  10. Lana,

    If I knew a way to buy an album for you on ITunes I would but I have no idea how to do that! But, I encourage you to download an album by Mandisa called Freedom. Her songs have lifted my spirit SO many times and these days as I listen to the songs I can't help but think of how her words can lift you and Henry up during this valley you are in.
    Here is a list of the songs:

    01. My Deliverer
    02. How Much
    03. He is With You
    04. The Definition Of Me
    05. Not Guilty
    06. Leave It In The Valley
    07. Victorious
    08. Broken Hallelujah
    09. Freedom Song
    10. Dance, Dance, Dance
    11. You Wouldn’t Cry (Andrew’s Song)

    If anyone knows how I can buy this for them let me know!

    Cyber Hugs and Prayers!
    Sandee in Dallas

  11. Lana, I have been praying- asking God to heal your husband and to give you strength. My message is linked to my name. Embracing you with (((angel hugs))) Donna

  12. Lana:

    I wish I could do for you what you've done for me. When I needed it most, you made me laugh and giggle.

    I along with my family cared for my Dad and there were days that were unbearable. I watched your videos and they took me to a place that gave me a break from heartache.

    Love and prayers for you and Henry.

  13. Fits can be awesome-have gone many times to a karate studio and punched a bag until I had nothing left in me. Just try to find cheaper things to bust up girl! :) Love you and Henry and Izzy & Paris bunches!

  14. You and Henry totally deserve a break from all that poison and I hope you don't feel like breaking anything today.

  15. LOL, that's funny, Lana!
    You threw a fit, good for you!
    We are right here with you through your trials.
    YOU ARE LOVED, My Pretty One...

  16. Please you tube Mandisa Stronger and listen to words.

  17. Lana, sometimes I have trouble bringing up your site, so I'm sending you extra doses of sparkles, twinkles, glitter, pixie dust, hugs and love right now. I haven't left, I'm still out here praying for you and Henry. I understand your rage, your anger, your pain, your tears. You smashed your laptop. I ate and cried. And ate and cried. Rinse, lather, repeat. Over and over and over. It would feel like I had knots in my stomach, my throat, my heart and I felt helpless. Family and friends mean well, but don't know what you're going through. No one can. It's an awful feeling what you're going through. And I'm sick and tired of people saying they're "this close" to finding a cure for cancer. My poor Dad was braver than I was. I wish I could say or do something for the both of you to put an end to all of this. All I can do is keep praying to God and all His angels that they hold you and soothe your sadness. God Bless You both, Lana. Take care.

  18. You deserved a meltdown.
    Now. Any chance of visualizing those evil beams and potent chemicals as an army fighting Henry's cancer cells? Doesn't make the process any better but it might help with the sense of treatment being something bad being done TO Henry (and you!). It's brutal, I know. My patients and their families sometimes find strength, hope, and even healing in imagining those bad cells exploding into smithereens (like your laptop).
    Blogging is good therapy. What else are you doing for *you*? how is your support system? Sweetie, sending bushels of love and light as well as Special Ops forces to wipe out the bad cells. Keep your hope alive, Lana. Henry's on a terribly difficult road, but he's here. <3

  19. Sometimes we just need to have those hallpass days and rage moments to release and that's ok. Thinking of you <3

  20. Dear Lana, You're entitled! You go girl! Most of us would have broken sooner. You're the best!


  21. Go for it Lana cracked and had your wobbly and that's fine. That's VERY fine!! There are people out there Lana who would have crumbled at the start, that would haven't had the strength to start on the course let alone finish it. You will Lana, you and Henry, both of you will get to that finish line. You are on this course now and you will continue until you're both back to normality. If throwing a laptop around releases some of the pent up fury and sadness, heck Lana, lob it as hard as you can. I know what that feels like - couple of years ago I did the same with a new laptop only I put it in the bath - yep, more than £1.000's worth of what was then a new MackBook swimming then sinking to the bottom of the bath. Not content with that, I did what you did - I hurled an expensive Bang and Olufsen (nicknamed Bang and Awfulson by my son) 'phone down the stairs. It bounced its way down the stairs, hitting the wall as it went and smashed into more pieces than I ever imagined could come from a 'phone!!! BUT IT FELT GOOOOOOOOD!!! I'm not suggesting for a second that we all go around wrecking the things we work hard for to vent out our anger but sometimes Lana, just sometimes, we reach a certain point and nothing else will do. Go with it sweetie, go with it and you will feel a little better offloading some of all that pent up emotional load.

    Heart felt hugs, prayers and more love than you can imagine. Leyla xxxooo

  22. Lana~

    I had a meltdown a couple of years ago. I had so much stuff going on inside of me that I wanted to put my fist through a wall so I went to the local sporting goods store and purchased a professional boxing bag. I could hardly wait to get home with it. After getting it set up, I went to town just punching the life out of that bag. Thirty minutes later all I had to show for my mighty display was a very nasty-looking set of bloody knuckles!! Ok...stop laughing...I'm a girl....never punched anything in my life! Bandaged knuckles....back to store to buy professional boxing gloves. LOL!! Oh, but I love that bag! My kids and grandkids get the biggest kick out of watching me hit that bag. So if you ever see me in a video with my arm in a sling you will know that it has been a rough week! ;)

    Love you, beautiful girl, to the ends of the earth and forever!!


  23. Lana, you just let it out sweetie. I have sledge hammer fantasies where I just total my house and then just sit in the rubble and have a coffee. I hate cancer too, it takes over your life and doesn't give you a break. It is worse than a full time job that you hate and can't quit. We are all praying for you and Henry and your family. It will get better.

  24. Poor Lana - but the stress is building like a pressure-cooker and you've done well to last this long! Take a moment to remember the good times you & Henry have shared ..... go watch your vid you took when you went to Florida (called I'm outta here..) such a beautiful day, such wonderful memories to go back to.

    I'm sure you and Henry will enjoy them once again.
    Lou xxx

  25. Dear Friend, I too feel so helpless. I want to do something so much it hurts. I hope knowing that your friends love you and that we respect you. You talk about melting down and not really being brave. You are such a light in Henry's life, that is all that matters right now. I appreciate your honesty and sorry I have to say it....I consider you brave. The definition being showing up every day. Plain and simple. I daily pray for you. I daily pray for Henry and his health and his comfort. Hang in there, both of you. Love, Jeanie xoxo yayayoga

  26. Lana, The people who have left these comments above and below are God's hands and feet. Part of your healing is hidden in them. If you need to throw something else, make it something expensive and then BE STILL and read these comments again...I'll see you on the other side of this ugly mess...

  27. Good for you Lana, get it out instead of holding it in. You have been so brave and strong for so long that you needed to let the pressure out. I am thinking of you and praying for you and Henry. Warm hugs for you Lana.

  28. Lana - You had a good excuse - and you can always buy another computer. Maybe you needed to update anyway :-) Or, you can do as a dear friend of mine used to do. She had a son that had gotten into drugs and he was in and out of jail, rehab, you name it. He even stole checks and money from his parents - even broke in the house once to steal money. So she would go to yard sales and Goodwill and buy old glasses and save them up. When she couldn't take it anymore, she'd open her kitchen window over her sink, and throw the glasses one by one (with quite a bit of force) to the concrete carport beyond. She said the sound of crashing glass was therapeutic for her. then she'd just go outside and sweep it up and put it in the trash, or her husband would do it for her. Maybe you need to go to Goodwill and start a stockpile of glasses. Praying for you and Henry. Hang in there - better days are coming.

  29. Dear Lana, I can't even comprehend what you must be going through.But we're here for you, and you and Henry are in my prayers.Sometimes when the weight of it is so heavy you can no longer stand... its time to get on your knees. The Lord will help you through this Lana, one of my favorite scriptures is Matt 11:28-30 Take care friend. {Hugs} Klaire

  30. Lana,
    It is about time you had a two year old Tenley meltdown! You have kept everything bottled up inside for way to long. We as humans can only take so much. Eveyone tells you how strong you are, which is good for Henry, but you still have a breaking point. You still need to let it out once in a while. Henry is going through this horrifying disease, and you my friend are going through it as well. We can only stay strong for so long and then we lose it. The good thing is once we lose it, we go back to being strong. You are an amazing woman Lana and please don't ever forget it. Enjoy your weekend off. If you need us we are all here for you. I will pray that this week will be better for both of you. Until next time my friend.
    Love Kathy xoxoxoxoxoxox

  31. Dear Lana ~ I would say you were overdue for a meltdown...way overdue.

    Just want you and Henry to know you are in my thoughts....
    Mary Sue

  32. Hang in there... This too shall pass.

  33. Warm hugs to you and Henry dearest Lana, hoping for a peaceful weekend for you both. Lots of love, Leyla xxxooo

  34. Lana, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your husband. Cancer is an ugly monster, but you are both so strong and that is the best thing to be...strong. I know that you will both get through this no matter what! So many of us are praying for you...don't give up on this fight!
    You can do it!
    Much love&prayers,

  35. Madisa playlist:

  36. Madisa Playlist:

  37. Lana, dear, your meltdown was long overdue. So many people couldn't do what you're doing. You're in survival mode right now, allow yourself some frailty. Love to you.

  38. lana i am a big believer in melt downs- i think --no i know they keep us from going crazy!!! but i have selective things i can break-i am to poor to break just anything-- you will work though this- i wish i could bottle you what you need and give it to you-i am thinking about you- and i want to get together with you when this is all over- deal? hugs shelly--magicadespell56

  39. Sending love, love, love and more love to you and Henry. Macbooks are easily replaceable. You smash what you want and need to smash. We are all here to listen and hold your hand and pass you more things to smash when you feel the urge. Big warm arms hugging you, always. Hugs xxxxx Eva

  40. Lana,

    You probably need more private melt downs to help deal with all the stress. I wish I could help out somehow. Just know my prayers are with you and your husband. God and Peace be with you both. xoxo Paula

  41. Dearest Lana:
    I've been reading about Henry's and your trials and tribulations with cancer from the start and wish I could give you both hugs every day. Right now I can only offer prayers and written words of support. I hope you both know how much your story is touching the lives of all of us who are following this ordeal. Yet it's almost like watching an evolution of sorts...going from the caterpillar (fun with makeup, clothes, and hair) to a beautiful butterfly (realizing how inconsequential material things are and how the most important thing is to love and be loved). My thoughts and prayers continue with you on your journey.

  42. Dearest Lana and Henery,

    God would not have taken you both this far, and then drop Henery off. Their is something behind His plan. Your lives are not broken,you both are still fabulous. You two have the means like before it is now Henery and you are healing and being taught something in this trial. I am keeping you both in my prayers for that "C" to be gone.

  43. You needed it. You needed to blow off that steam and doing so is what will help you remain calm and determined for your Henry. The caretaker needs care too...desperately so. You both remain in my prayers and thoughts. xxxx

  44. Bust it. Bust the F*** out of it. In fact, grab a few dishes and bust them too. In the end, they are things. YOU and Henry are who and what matters. The fact that you haven't had a melt down yet to date is amazing. YOU NEEDED IT. get it out. <3

    PS... I'm a really good dish thrower and tv you need my help>

  45. Sweetie we all need to have a meltdown like a 2 year old. That was an expensive one but well needed. It's tough being the one that all the pressure is on. I know Henry has a tremendous amount of pressure to bear. Broken equipment and bad blood values are down gives a bit of a rest. It will all start up again. You'll be going with renewed energy. I pray everything will turn out well. I'm so sorry Henry is suggering so. He's in my prayers.

  46. Dearest Lana, A warm hug is being sent your way, you are so special. You and Henry are both doing great although you don't actually see it like that now. You will though, when you come out the other side and look back you will see just how strong you really were......and are. Lots of love for you both, Leyla xxxooo


  48. Just published this: - Coping With a Loved One's Illness. I hope it helps you and anyone going through this stressful experience. ~Tammy

  49. Hi Lana,

    Your videos always been a pleasant diversion to my workday. I'm so sorry to hear the sudden change of events in your life. You are in my prayers daily.

    Kind Regards,

  50. Hi Lana, i have followed your blog and i am so sorry you and Henry are going through this nightmare, i pray for you both each night, i;m glad you did have that meltdown, you needed that release from all the strain you have both been under. hugs, Caroline, (longcara)

  51. Dearest Lana, I check here each day to wait for news from you. I hope you are coping and if you feel you aren't, don't think that the urge to smash something will turn you into a lunatic. Either I'm deluded or each and every one of us here is a lunatic. Scream, shout, cry, hit a pillow or a cushion until you don't have the energy to hit it anymore. If this urge comes Lana, let it out, release yourself from it, you have more than enough to contend with.

    My prayers continue for you and Henry and are without end sweetie. We are all here with you on the journey to the end of this cruel and vile detour. There are good days ahead Lana, Henry will recover, he will fight with you by his side, for you and his loved ones. It's simply not an option not to. Big bear hugs for both of you and love, love and more love. Leyla xxxooo

  52. It's okay to have a meltdown - you needed it! Computers are replaceable. Take care of yourself you amazing lady. I am praying for you and for your beautiful husband.

  53. Lana, my heart goes out to my dear friend. I know single handedly, how it is to deal with loved ones and cancer. You fear every second, assuming bad news is on its way. You picture what you will do and how you will survive if that person ever left, or even if the slightest of bad things happens to them. You drive your self crazy wanting to find a cure, because you cannot stand to sit beside them, and know that their lives are in the hands of someone else. But, they are, your husbands life and wellness is the hand of doctors but more importantly god. I pray for you and pray to god that he will fix this, because no-body deserves this pain. I sincerely send my love, thoughts and optimistic hopes for you, and of course your husband. Just know that you have many people who love you and are praying for you and your husband... my thoughts will always be with you as i ask god to give your husband a miracle each and everyday. Sincerely, your friend Kristina

  54. Oh Lana, couldn't you have broken something useless like a frying pan. :) Praying everyday for you and your hubby. xxoo


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