Saturday, September 29, 2012

"No Cry" Days

The old saying is that a widow should not buy anything or sell anything for a year after her husbands death. No major decisions to made within that 365 day exile. 
Blah.
So... I tried that for 3 months. It blows!
What? Sit and look at walls? Wear black for months and go to the cemetery? Not smile or chat or laugh?
I did all that too.
It's exhausting and it does nothing more than cement into your skull that your man is gone. It is all a constant reminder of sadness. Don't get me wrong. I am sad. I cry on people.
Oh Lord do I cry on poor unsuspecting people!

I went to see my dentist. I had neglected most everything about myself so it was time. My dentist is also a friend. He entered the exam room with my x-rays in hand, said hello, touched my arm and in 1.3 seconds, I was blubbering all over his scrub-shirt. Not just the pretty tears that fall from your eyes like in movies but the full-on sobbing UGLY cry. 
(I may have to switch dentists now I am so embarrassed)
Same with my Priest. My postman. My Veterinarian.  The cashier at the grocery...
The list goes on, I am sorry to say.
Hey.. I think I we get a pass when we lose a loved one. 
So, back to better news...
I decided to break all of the rules of being a widow.
I always claimed to be a "rule-breaker" so why stop now?
I'm done caring if people in my community judge me for crying too much. 
I hear them whispering... 
"Oh look, she cries too much. Her black dress is so big on her. She looks awful. Her eyes are red.
She's lost weight. She's aged 10 years."

Oh, Bite Me!

If people have so much to say about YOUR life... That says very little about their own, right?

Words to live by.
I haven't got all the answers on how to act or what to do. I never have! We just do what we can. Life is short. I plan on living each and every day in honor of my husband but to the fullest.
So... 
I ran away from home!
It's so liberating. I am going back in a week.
Don't want to but have to...
Some of Henry's old football players from the Denver Broncos and basketball buddies from Purdue are honoring him with a benefit memorial. All proceeds will go to the Purdue Athletic Department in his name. It will be a sad and emotional day but I have my Big Girl Panties all picked out and laid out for that day. 
I can DO this and I will. 
Oh and I bought a new car. My dream car. 
I thought it would make me happy. Things don't make you happy. People do. 
I have amazing people in my life.
I am so blessed.
More later.
I Love You.


115 comments:

  1. That car is so you!!! I think we always cry when we are shown human kindness. So sad but true - but it's when you realize that people really do care about you, AND THEY DO! Be happy. Henry would want you to be happy and be the rule breaking, sassy, hot woman he fell in love with. xxxooo

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  2. Good for you Lana! It's your Barbie dream car...just not in pink! You will stay in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you. ~Kim

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  3. Yay Lana! I am glad you are treating yourself..........even though material things can't bring true happiness if it helps make the days right now a bit easier than DO IT! :) I am sure Henry is smiling and happy that a little bit of your "fighter spirit" is peeking through! As always, your writings make me think about so much...........about both sides. The side of how important it is to cherish and be present in the moment but also what is it like when you lose such a close loved one. How DO you survive it and grow to be better. What could I say to make it just a bit better if I knew someone who just lost a loved one............I feel like you are teaching us all a little bit even if you are just learning to! I have a feeling you are on a very important journey that has to do with your souls purpose. I know that sounds a bit wacky but I just feel that so I said it! :) Hugs to you Lana!

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  4. So happy to hear from you! Hope you continue to grow stronger each day xoxo

    The car is very "you" and gorgeous! sending all the love & strength I can spare <3

    Moya

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  5. Good for you Lana! You deserve it. You look great in the vehicle.
    It might be difficult, but I know you are surrounded by more loved ones at the memorial.
    Take care!

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  6. You go girl!! Don't worry about what people say you should do, do what you want to do. People who talk are not walking in your shoes. So happy to hear from you!
    Peg~

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  7. Love your car! it looks good! pink is a good color for happiness and for the heart! love u have fun!

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  8. I so agree....Doing what makes you smile....Laugh..Laugh everyday if possible...Maybe do that "no mirror" make up tag and don't even post it to your channel...get some wigs and act silly...it's the most healing medicine...I miss your humor Lana!! I miss you~

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  9. Good for you Lana!! So happy for you.. Keep going, God bless and you know that we love you too.. mwaaaahhhhhhhhh... =)

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  10. Lana somehow you manage to make me cry and laugh at the same time. Even through all of this, you still have the most sparkling, uplifting personality and that wonderfully charming sense of humor and wit about you! A rule-breaking rebel... indeed! ...and you know Henry wouldn't have it any other way! Love you girl!

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  11. Giirrrlll...you ROCK that sweet ride!!...Do what makes you feel good....things may not make you "happy" but a lightened mood, a smile: any/all of these are worth it...you must be sure to be incredibly kind to yourself right now and for the forseeable future...Yes, you do get a major pass...if you feel like crying go right ahead....that's just the body's way of physically expressing what is being felt emotionally...if you cut your physical skin you bleed...your heart is broken right now and it "bleeds" by crying...no shame in that darlin'

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  12. You wear that car well my love! Just as Christine said, I laughed & cried at the same time. You are truly an inspiration sweet Lana and Henry would be so freaking proud of his woman! I know I am. Xoxo Cindy

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  13. When my Grandmother died, I thought I was perfectly fine, and was.

    Then, out of nowhere, in a checkout line, I burst out crying. LOL I didn't go back to that store for a loooooong time.

    I have found that the idea of new things, and the anticipation of them, far exceeds the happiness the things themselves actually bring. :o/ You are right - it is the people we love, who love us, who bring us real joy.

    Take a spin around the block with the top down for me!

    ~♥~

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  14. You can bet those tongues will be wagging now. Let em wag. You know what they say...Living well is the best revenge. Those of us that love you, only want the best for you. So rev it up girl!!! And thanks for taking us all along for the ride. Laurie

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  15. You just keep on doing what YOU need to do for YOU! Also, I second that "Bite me!" to those judgmental, busy-bodies :) I send you much love and wishes for better days!
    mary sue

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  16. I so love you, BITE ME, that should be your liscence plate, so awesome. Miss you on you tube. Told you that jewish sayin life is for the living. Take up yoga. Good for you to stretch out and deep breathing. Good for you to go away. We all love you. No one would judge on you tube. We would delete any bad stuff. Love

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  17. I so love you, BITE ME, that should be your liscence plate, so awesome. Miss you on you tube. Told you that jewish sayin life is for the living. Take up yoga. Good for you to stretch out and deep breathing. Good for you to go away. We all love you. No one would judge on you tube. We would delete any bad stuff. Love

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  18. I so love you, BITE ME, that should be your liscence plate, so awesome. Miss you on you tube. Told you that jewish sayin life is for the living. Take up yoga. Good for you to stretch out and deep breathing. Good for you to go away. We all love you. No one would judge on you tube. We would delete any bad stuff. Love

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  19. Hahaha yeah girl! You make your licence plate say "Bite Me"! Since Henry loved spoiling you, he must be very proud of you right now and smiling from heaven :)
    Thanks for your shining example. Life is truely too short not to be lived to the fullest, no matter what age, status or anything!

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  20. You keep being Henry's funny, loving, (sometimes sad) and always sassy girl and we'll be here to celebrate life with you! xo~Trish

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  21. Good for you! You look great in the car too! =) Nice to see you happy!

    =)


    Brooke

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  22. Gonna be selfish here, and probably all the girls are thinking it..but hope you are up to making videos soon. WE MISS YOU!
    You keep living life Miss Lana...you are the sweetest person! ((hug))

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  23. I lost the love of my life May 25th and I never thought the tears would stop. Every time someone would ask how I was doing, I would break down. Each time I visited his grave, I would want to claw my way in. I wanted to die so I could be with him. Then I met a gentleman in August who, despite my protests that I wasn't ready and might not ever be ready, persisted in gently pursuing me. The pain is lifting from my heart slowly and I am finding a new way of living with the loss of my love. I tell you this, dear Lana, to let you know that I understand your deep sorrow and to encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other into a new "normal" life. We have been blessed to have experienced true love. Everything that comes now is just icing on the cake. I love you!

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  24. ROFL .. Bite me. That's the spirit!

    You do whatever you need to do girl.

    Monica
    San Diego.

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  25. Just lost my Mom 2 weeks ago - I keep crying with random people also - and they can bite me as well if they don't like it! Love the car!!!!

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  26. Oh Lana. I have been thinking about you, I am one of your Youtube subscribers and have kind of followed what was going on in your life. I knew that you were taking a break to care for your husband. Anyway you were on my mind, so I ended up here and I just want to extend my deepest sympathies to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy however to see you in your new car looking as beautiful as ever and SMILING! YOU GO GIRL! Hang in there and know that we love you. Love from California. <3

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  27. You go, Lana! I've thought of you often and I am sending prayers still.
    Sending you hugs and shoulders and great hairdays from NC!
    <3
    Victoria
    Toriology

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  28. You go girl, the car looks great and I am sure Henry is smiling along with the rest of us.

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  29. Seeing that picture of you in the car put a big smile on my face!
    (A really Big Smile)
    Lots of hugs!!!
    <3 ya Gorgeous

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  30. So good to hear from you Lana! Enjoy the new car!!! Still sending love and light your way!! xxoo
    Mary (mjd716)

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  31. I love you Lana, Love that attitude. Good for you. I'm glad to see you get out there and have some fun. Henry would of wanted that. Who cares what others think. Tell them to get a life. Love your new car, enjoy it. HUGS, Joni

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  32. Lana, I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there in the world. Henry would be so proud of you too. You go girl! Break every rule in the book if you have to. Love you! ♥ Vickie
    P.S. Nice car! ;+)

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  33. Love your attitude Lana...don't let anyone break it....it has served you well on your journey so far. Sending love from the UK <3

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  34. please come back to youtube
    everyone misses you

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  35. Honey you drive that car. Roof down. Hair blowing. Sunglasses on. Sexy as all hell!! I'm sure Henry would have the biggest grin watching you. Hugs your way :))

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  36. It always makes me so upset when people just mope around and don't do anything after they have a loss, I'm glad that you are doing things for yourself, just sitting around and being sad isn't going to help you. Stay strong Lana, we all love you. <3

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  37. Bottom line this is your life to live....and from what you've shared about Henry, well when you're smiling he's smiling right there beside you. How wonderful you look in your beautiful car! Full speed ahead in this journey we call life.

    Love, Farrah Mayleigh

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  38. Hi Lana:

    I wrote two comments and they disappeared, so here's the short version.

    You are going to love your car. Fresh air, music, sunsets, sun, smells (both country and city) and most important a sense of freedom. Get in that care and crank up the music and sing like no one is listening.

    Enjoy!
    Love
    MrsSuze51

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  39. Yeah! It went up. Please note that care is suppose to be car. Oops.

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  40. Lana, You do what you think is right always not what others think. You make Lana happy like Henry would want :) I haven't been on here or Youtube much this past year due to have 4 non related surgeries in a years time 3 of them were in a 6 months time span. But I want you to know I have thought about Henry and you during my health issues. You should enjoy your life to the very fullest cause you know first hand how extremely precious every second really is. God bless you hun! XOXO

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  41. Enjoy your new car! Keep the hood down and let the wind blow your cares away! We've just bought a Mazda MX5 (they're called Miata in the US) and we loooooove it! We even have the roof down on dry, starlit nights! When you're feeling blue, go for a drive beneath the stars with a CD of your fave music. Recommended! Lou xx

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  42. Hi Lana. It's wonderful to see a picture of you in your new car. Henry is smiling down and is still letting everyone know how amazing you are!! You have always been an inspiration to me.

    I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Life has been very difficult for us at the moment. But, please know I think of you daily. You are always in my prayers.

    I love you!~Marilyn

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  43. Love your wheels and rules are so over rated and box people in. Break them, smash them and fight them. Life is a very bumpy road, may your new wheels help a little to get over some of them. Take care - Sue (animalrescuegeek on YT)

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  44. You look FABULOUS! Rock on, Lana. Rock on!

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  45. We love you too! What a great post! You are coming through the other side...in a sexy black car! Do what you feel, your life is your own...and Henry would approve...I have a feeling he is probably right beside you in that car! xox

    calvikingchick (YT)

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  46. Wow you look so tiny in that car :0)
    You just be you Lana that is all you can do and all Henry would have wanted. Love you xxx

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  47. Hi sweet one!!! Just checking in to see if you have blogged lately, miss you and keeping you in my prayers. The little that I can see of you sitting in your FAB new car made my day!!! Can't wait to hear from you or see you on youtube but all in due time :) Love you, your friend... Araceli

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  48. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and I think you are amazing too. So you can tell people to suck the big one because your huband thinks you are amazing and so does a stranger and her husband.
    Darlene and Randy

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  49. ~♥~ That's the spirit Lana, there's an old saying "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't", So no matter what you do from here on in there will be someone with an opinion, be it good or bad this is your life do whatever makes you happy. I love your new car Lana, and I'm so happy you have finally let go of the black widow filled with dome and despair. There are no meddles for staying colorless for the rest of your life, hit the horn of your new car good and hard all the way down the street and let everyone see you coming, Henry smiling from ear to ear knowing you are living the way he wants you to. Take care Lana, you look amazing in your new profile photo, don't hide that BEAUTIFUL smile it's what makes Henry sleep soundly. Love and hugs Margaret x x x x x ♥

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  50. It's so good to see you write in this way Lana, positive and full of spirit - I applaud you. I know Henry is smiling down on you, thrilled that his girl is having fun in the new car - enjoy it sweetheart...it'll give you such a boost. I know this myself because recently my husband bought me my dream car after I was having a hard time with a health condition. It is the same car I had many moons ago when I obtained my driving licence and it feels great to have it back again - albeit an updated version. I'm having a blast in it. Enjoy Lana, live every precious moment the way you want it to be. ((hugs)) xxx

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  51. Lana Indiana: You are one amazing lady. I sometimes burst into tears for no apparent reason. I hate it when that happens. But I'm taking pills for it... and there's always psychotherapy. Since you got a new car, can I have your old one? just keep on trucking girlfriend and always remember and never forget this too shall pass.

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  52. Absolutely beautiful post! What may seem right for others is not necessarily right for all! Happy you decided to be YOU ...and even happier that my daughter introduced me to your video's and now blog! Be blessed :)

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  53. I cry just reading your story! I can't imagine living it, Lana. If you need to cry, do it! To hell with what others think. Congrats on the new wheels...we all need our little distractions...the shinier and faster, the better I say!

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  54. I cry just reading your story! I can't imagine living it, Lana. If you need to cry, do it! To hell with what others think. Congrats on the new wheels...we all need our little distractions...the shinier and faster, the better I say!

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  55. Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.

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  57. Loved reading this. I say a double BITE ME to those who want to wag tongues. You do you, just like always...that's what we all love about you and what Henry meant when he said you were amazing. This is why!!! Drop the top, crank the music, let your hair blow in the wind and know you are loved for being LANA and no one else!!

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  58. ~♥~

    Hope you were home before Sandy paid a visit!

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  59. As soon as I saw you in your new car dressed in hot pink it made me smile...knowing that Henry is doing the same. He would want you to find any little happiness anywhere you can hun. Love you bunches! Dawnten xo

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  60. Kids seem to really enjoy doing this. Thought I'd pass it on in case it is something you would be interested in doing with the Grandbabies:

    http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/Pack_A_Shoe_Box/

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    Replies
    1. I love you so much.
      Always here. Every day.
      You are my angel. I always felt I had one but now I know I do.

      Delete
  61. Hagahahahahaha! This is awesome ! Break all those "rules" , do what makes you happy. That's what I did, I was widowed @ 22. I ran away too, freed myself from the eyes if others and made myself happy ! It helped alot. Probably more than anything else !

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  62. Hagahahahahaha! This is awesome ! Break all those "rules" , do what makes you happy. That's what I did, I was widowed @ 22. I ran away too, freed myself from the eyes if others and made myself happy ! It helped alot. Probably more than anything else !

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  63. Love the wheels Lana! Maybe you could do a YouTube on what's in my car? Hint, hint. ;)
    I fell down my stairs the other day and I either broke my collar bone or tore something. So I've been laid up nursing myself and watching all your videos and it's been so much fun! I'm a Fab, Stylish Grammy too, although I'm not quite as Stunning as you but I try! So what's happening in your world Lana? It's been so long since you've been online. Hope it's because you're busy enjoying all the beauty and Joy life brings! :)

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  64. Hi Lana.. I love your blog, & am quickly falling in love w your perky, quirky ways. I had discovered your blog last year..and then nooo Lana! So, just today I went back to see if maybe you'd come back & YES! There you were with your new face, new car & new YOU!
    I can totally relate to everything, I also just lost my husband over a year ago... Lots & lots of tears and you never know when they're going to flow. I also bought a new smaller car. Our was a huge escalade. This whole thing is soooo strange. I'm also just 58, & seriously have always been child at heart. My hubby took great care of me, & I'm a mess in all the business stuff. I want to tell dear new friend that you have been an awesome inspiration. It's like God brought me here to show me what someone else in my position is doing. You are the shot in the arm, or kick in the pants I need to get moving! I've been sooo sad & lost & feel like I don't fit in anywhere. But here's to a new chapter, and who knows where it will lead.
    May the dear Lord bless you & keep you & make His face shine upon you with gentle gracious love pats.

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  66. I love that outfit!!
    Much love,
    Wengie
    http://www.wengie.com

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  70. My theory... if it makes you happy go for it. Now dry your eyes, beat your face into place and keep on trucking. Love never dies. Love Barry.

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