Monday, September 3, 2012

One Last Kiss

The day of the funeral...

To feel so numb but to have so much to do is such a contradiction in terms. All I want to do is go to bed and stay there with the blankets pulled over my head.
Let someone else do this. I can't.

Phone calls from people, food and flowers arriving at the door. God, I hate the smell of roses now. So cloyingly sweet. The smell seems to penetrate the house but mostly my brain.

A friend of mine that I had met at the Radiation clinic... (That seems like it was a 100 years ago)
Her husband had died of the same horrible cancer my husband had, told me that she had put her dog up in the bed with her husband to let him know that he was gone.
Ewwww, so morbid!
After my husband had gone, I did just that.
Both dogs were thrilled to be up on the bed I had denied them access to these last weeks. The little Chihuahua, much older and wiser, sniffed him all over. Looked up at me with such sadness in her soft brown eyes then laid her little apple head on his arm with a small sigh. She bared her teeth at anyone that tried to move her from his side.
Izzy, usually so rambunctious and out of control, sniffed his face once, jumped off the bed like she had been shot from a cannon and hid under the bed in the next room.
They both knew.
I'm glad now I did this. They are both grieving but seem to know why their beloved master is not here. He's not coming home....

Shower, makeup, hair. Like an auto-mon get ready for this day.
Meet the rest of the family, cousins, relatives, life-long friends at the funeral home.
Pall Bearers
Saying good-bye. More tears. More sorrow. More prayers. More sadness.
One last goodbye. More tears fall onto his face. "My Darling, please know that I will always love you. Forever. Unending."

I see the six best friends of my husband, the pall bearers, bring the casket and loads of flowers out to the waiting hearse. Such a sunny pretty day but a black hole in all of our hearts. I feel as if my knees will buckle and I will become one with the parking lot.
I am just led around like a four year old. Totally clueless. I have never done this before.
Not this.

Our limo follows the long black hearse. Others follows us. A long steady stream of cars
winding thru the streets to the church Henry and I attended every Sunday that we could while we were home and together. I see people and recognize their faces but my heart can't acknowledge their presence or why they are there to tell this wonderful man good-bye.
So many people crying.
So much sadness.

People speak at the podium and the priest says the Mass. My husband is lying there beside me in a white draped coffin with a cross of gold embroidered on the delicate cloth.
The priest begins The Lord's Prayer.

Every Sunday, all of our married life and before, as "The Lord's Prayer" was being said, we would recite those familiar words, my husband would reach out and grab my hand as we spoke the words....Hands locked in a grasp, all of the week's issues and problems would seem to melt away....

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy will be Done

No one to hold my hand now as that beautiful prayer was said, I reached out and laid my hand on the coffin. Never to hold his hand again, sobbing, as the prayer and the people prayed.
I could hear people crying behind me. He was so loved.

Back to the limo again.
Winding thru the streets. We don't go straight to the cemetery. Police escorts leading us past his business. All of his workers out lining the street in a silent salute and good-bye to this amazing man. Gone too Soon. Too Young... Too Good.
Following the hearse to the cemetery. A tent has been set up with chairs under the old oak trees in the spot we had chosen over a year before.
The sun dapples through the trees and glistens on the mirror covered casket. His name and birthdate and the date he left us engraved so beautifully on the top of the glass.
The priest ends the prayers and before they lower my beautiful husband into the ground, I bend to kiss the top. I leave an eternal lipstick print on the glass as I tell him one last good-bye...








81 comments:

  1. Lana, I followed your blog and your youtube since the begging. My heart broke as I read this. My heart goes out to you.

    Lots of Love to you and your family,

    Jillian <3 <3

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  2. oh Lana, i don't want to read the "next". It breaks my heart that you are going thru this to begin with, and now to know that someone has done something unthinkable. Much love. xxxooo

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  3. good to hear from you in any form!.........Hugs from a you tube Twitter friend!
    Julie

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  4. A sad yet beautiful story. Love never ends.

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  5. Lots of <3 to you Lana!!!
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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  6. Dear beautiful Lana, my heart is breaking and I am crying while I am read your posts every single time. I am sending you many hugs and love. True love never ends. Be strong! Jela xoxo

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  7. Lana, your words are so true that it hurts. My Mom passed away on August 19th and I could not believe all that a funeral involved. In the end, I guess it was a blessing as it kept me busy. As soon as I would stop crying I would hear or see some one else crying and there I go.
    I am proud of you just to be writing and just to keep going. I cannot imagine the pain and loss with your Husband and Wife. Know I pray for you and your family every day and know many others do too. God bless, Jeanie (yayayoga)

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  8. Lana, my heart breaks for you for the loss of your soulmate. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope to have half your strength and grace when the time comes.

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  9. No words can touch the pain you feel. Just know that there are lots of people praying for you that you find strength during your time of sorrow. For those who have caused you additional pain, I pray for them as well because they cannot possibly with any sense of human compassion know what they are saying or doing. No one in their right mind would add more suffering to your already pierced heart.

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  10. Oh Lana, my heart breaks for you. I think of you every single day and pray for you as you grieve. Hugs, Stacie xo

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  11. We miss you so much Lana and I want you to be ok more than anything. I know that writing what's in your heart and sharing it with us will help you heal...keep it up. My heart is with you...

    patti

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  12. Missing you so much Lana. THinking of you all the time. Love you so much and wishing for you to have peace.

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  13. Lana,
    You are truly a woman who writes with her heart..I miss your pretty smile, when you are ready, please say hello to us on YouTube.
    "When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure"
    Hugs Bonnie

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  14. Lana:

    You've helped me in so many ways. Keep writing. Your eloquent words are helping others.

    Thank you Lana for sharing your story.

    Love
    MrsSuze51

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  15. bless you Lana, you are a survivor and you will go on. I wish you peace in heart and mind. Linda DePina

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  16. Thank you again for sharing. May peace fill your heart.

    Farrah Knight

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  17. Oh Lana, that truely is beautiful, as I was reading this update I was thinking to myself I'm so very glad you are feeling you can write now, Henry must be so very very proud of you, I hope these days are being kind to you, I have never known another person from YouTube be as missed and as loved as you are, Your a very special person that much is so very true, Take care Lana, Karen UK xx

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  18. your an amazing inspiration. Your teaching me how to be strong.

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  19. (((Lana))) Your words are so painful to read. I find myself crying deep sobs for your loss of such a wonderful love on this earth. You are such a strong and beautiful soul, Lana. May God wrap His loving arms around you and bring you peace. With much love,~Marilyn ❤

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  20. Lana, I know someone that went through the same terrible cancer. She beat it once, but wasn't so lucky a second time. I still see her smiling face in my mind. It's hard losing a best friend and I share your feelings. I've had four years to miss her, but with time, it does get better. Time is the best healer of the heart, mind and soul. Keep writing for yourself and for those going through similiar. ((( hugs )))

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  21. Lana, you are a beautiful person.
    Thank you for gathering the strength to write these posts about Henry's passing... It takes a whole lot to do this especially when you are still mourning your loss.

    You're in my heart, Lana. Stay strong.

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  22. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is good you have friends and family, some are not so lucky as to have all of that and they can be comforting. You are strong and amazing and you can do this. Certain songs, I still cannot listen to; a certain season, a certain perfume; once loved now put away forever.

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  23. Oh dear Lana...
    We love you, we pain for you, we will be here for you!
    xx

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  24. Lana, thank you for writing. Your words deeply affect me. I feel your grief. I pray you find joy again soon.

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  25. Lana, i am still here. Praying for you!
    A big warm hug from Amsterdam Julia

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  26. Beautiful writing Lana, when I read this I thought of the prayer "Nearer my God to thee". You are bringing people together in such a special way, when i read all the messages people have left for Lana, out of your pain WE feel your kind heart and all normalizations come together in one place to read and listen to what you have to say.

    The Lord’s Prayer of all scriptures speaks volumes to me because To be closer to God is what I want for myself every day. God asked that his kingdom is here on heath like it is in heaven, some people find it hard to live that way but for those who believe will go to the kingdom of heaven and live in harmony with all nominations. Jewish,Christian, Muslim all religions become ONE with eternal love for each other in heaven. It's our CHOICE, God give no demands, when you love someone Lana, like you love Henry,I believe when we part in death our hearts are tied together by an invisible sting,it's God's plan to bond people together for all eternity.

    The truth you write brings me to tears but the tears are the feeling of hope and love, this kindness from someone graving "it is Gods Will". I've been with you through laughter and now pain, I feel that I am the one who's gained. I only have friendship to give you Lana but I will AlWAY'S be here if you need to talk. Much love to you dear friend, God blesses you every day it shows in your writing. Hugs Margaret x x

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  27. Oh ((((LANA)))! How heartbreaking this is to read! But I am so, so grateful u r posting again - and you even allowed your precious dogs to grieve - love that, and, love you!

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  28. Lana dear, so glad that you are blogging again. It's good that you started going to grief support. My darling daughter lost her best friend of 19 years very suddenly 3 months ago. I encourage her to find a group where everyone is in the same boat. There's strength in numbers, they say. Sending you love and light, as always.

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  29. Lana dear, so glad that you are blogging again. It's good that you started going to grief support. My darling daughter lost her best friend of 19 years very suddenly 3 months ago. I encourage her to find a group where everyone is in the same boat. There's strength in numbers, they say. Sending you love and light, as always.

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  30. Have your precious little card in my handbag. Every time I am rummaging around in my bag I see it and every time I do I ask for God to send you an angel. Your house should be over flowing before you know it and you will never be alone. much love and big hugs to you, Paris & Izzy <3

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  31. I pray that these comments of love outpouring to you ministers to your heart and soul at least some tiny bit. We all wish that our words could become magical and take your pain away, but I think that one's level of pain, due to loss, matches the level of your love. So, honor your pain as it is a tribute of your love for Henry.

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  32. Dear Lana, My condolences to you on the passing of your husband. May god grant you the strength and courage to get through this very sad time in your life. Only time heals this pain dear Lana but you will get there. Still praying for you and thinking of you. I share your pain and can imagine the lonliness and heartbreak and wish I could ease that pain. Many hugs from Amsterdam. Donna from Amsterdam

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  34. You know I sit and read your posts and my heart aches so for you. I had a realization of what a gift your words are. I have no doubt that writing is good for you and is a form of healing. It is also a gift to me. A gift to the us's you will never meet. I realized just has special getting to be a part of such an intimate experience is. You share with all of us unseen faces your deepest places. It is a gift to us from you. So I will say "Thank You" dear Lana for allowing me (this unknown face in your life) to walk beside you through your words. I feel.....honored. Yes, that is the word that came into my mind..honored.
    I wish I had brilliant words of wisdom that would ease your world of pain. But I don't. Healing is a process and I know that. I'm just honored that you share this with me. The me you don't know and probably never will. The me that you touch and may not ever know it. Thank you and God Bless you.

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  35. You are a gem, Lana. Death is going to happen to all of us yet we avoid talking about it much of the time. You bring it into the open. I think of you often and miss you on You Tube. Thank you for sharing your personal joys and sorrows on this blog. Please know that you have touched my heart time and time again. You make me a better person. Thank you.

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  36. My love and great BIG HUGS sent to you. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I understand this is very cathartic, a way to get it all out...or most (some) of your thoughts out. You are loved, and many prayers, including mine are sent your way. It must be so difficult for you, I just can't imagine. My husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, but it seems to have gone away (after his surgery). I hope and pray that is the case, as I am sure I would feel the same emotions and thoughts you are feeling. Lots of love to you Lana,and heal at your own pace. Keep writing, keep busy and stay gorgeous!!!!

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  37. Day by day, step by step you will smile again in time and Henry will be there smiling down on you till you both meet again xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  38. So heartbreaking, yet so sweet. You are missed and loved ~

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  39. Lana even in this extremely difficult time, remember that your Henry is at the Lord's side now and they are both looking lovingly upon you. You are so loved, as is Henry, and you are in all of our prayers and hearts.

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  40. Sending you love and light Lana. May they provide you with strength, courage, peace and faith.
    Mary (mjd716)

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  41. Lana! I was sobbing reading this.. please be strong and take your time.. i wish i could help..

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  42. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfYRXpDKuTo&sns=fb

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  43. You are an amazing woman! You have so much life and energy and you've made it through so much (even before this happened, you went through a divorce and you didn't let life beat you!)You are a great example of what a woman can achieve with strength and dignity. Your past videos always make me laugh, and I always feel like I'm sitting with a wise, awesome girlfriend in her bathroom. Even on a bad day, even though you don't know me, you have the power to make me smile in 5 minutes. THAT's how special you are. Now, I'm 23, in college, studying Chemical Engineering and I can say I truly look up to you for more than make up tips! I am so sad to hear that the woman who made me smile so often, now needs to find joy in her life again. But I know that you can do it. This life is but a blink, compared to eternity. The kind of love you have, is eternal, and it is more powerful and binding than death. Don't be afraid, you will live eternally with your love. You just gotta hang on, and slowly learn to live again until then. I am confident you, of all women, can do it! Xoxox

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  44. Mu thought are always in your direction Lana, I wish you smiles happy memories and a happy heart to start each day ..Much love from me to you always ..GREAT BIG HUGS ..Margaret x x x

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  45. I love your writing and your videos. I just catched up on your posts and it saddens me to hear you lost the love of your life. It has been a gift reading them and I can only hope and wish for to have loved like you have. No matter what happens this fan will always love you! xoxoxo

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  46. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, I have been a YouTube follower for some time and have been keeping up with your blog. It is unfair that your dear husband is gone, it's unfair he suffered and it is unfair that such a positive woman like yourself is left with sadness. You are so strong and by writing through this journey I am sure you are helping many in similar situations. I can not understand your pain, as I have not lived it, but please know that you and Henry are in my prayers. I am currently a first year medical student and I hope this terrible disease can be cured in my lifetime, as it devastates many lives and takes loved ones to soon. Xoxoxo

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  47. Miss you Lana ...and feel so sad for you. I cannot even begin to understand your pain....I lost my Dad three years ago and that was the first time that I felt intense grief and sadness. I am blessed that at 56 years of age this was so. To think of losing my beloved husband and soul mate just doesn't seem imaginable...yet everyday as a police officer I know that this is a possibility. I pray that I never have to face the unimaginable loss that you have had to endure Lana. Be strong sweet sweet lady xxxxxx

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  48. Dear Lady
    I hadn't a clue what had happened until just this minute. I am so sorry. I am so blown away by your writing, you have an amazing gift. God bless you.

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  49. Dear Lady
    I hadn't a clue what had happened until just this minute. I am so sorry. I am so blown away by your writing, you have an amazing gift. God bless you.

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  50. Lana, I think of you daily. I realize only time will ease the pain It will never go away, but it will get better. You are a marvel, keep praying, keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. I don't understand why these things happen, but Henry is there waiting for you. You will see him again. Don't lose heart sweet Lana.

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  51. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband I know that no word that I say will bring him back or make the pain your are going through right now and less or better, I just hope that you can find comfort in know that he's no longer in any pain or sick at all that is he is with family that passed before him and he's healthy again looking down over you, watching you every minute of every day helping you heal slowly. Your strong woman your greaf will lessen little more each day! You take all the time that you need to, to heal we are all here for you! God Bless you!

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  52. I seen you on youtube awhile back and just found you again. I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I hope you take comfort in knowing he is in no pain and he is now an angel. I know your heart is broken, but we are not to question why he is gone. I do look forward to seeing more videos from you I think your funny and very honest. You are beautiful inside and out he wouldn't want you to change and be so sad that he is not here in person. Many people care for you and you can vent to all of us! Blessings to you.

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  53. Dear Lana... I'm so so sorry for your husband!!! I hope you're strong to endure his absence and that sadness does not go with you for a long time... You're beautiful and inspires me a lot every day. I hope you can feel my hug... Kiss, dear...

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  54. I am so sorry Lana. He's still with you though, just in an altered form. Eventually, happiness will sneak up on you again a little at a time. Don't feel guilty for it. He wants you to be happy.

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  55. Who could read your words Lana, the contents of your heart and fail to be moved to tears? I am so pleased that you let Paris and Izzy be near to Henry, so that they were able to understand, but so sorry that it had to be that way. Heartfelt prayers and my fondest love dear Lana. xxxooo

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  56. I am so sorry, you wrote this so beautifully, it really hurts to lose someone, and it's just piercingly sad. All I can say is I am so sorry....

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  57. Oh my God. I Just watched a Youtube video, clicked on the link to your blog and am WEEPING! I am SO very sorry for the passing of your husband! My heart broke reading about your grief. Just broke. Your words are so well expressed and true. Cry as much as you need, stay in your jammies as long as you want. It sounds like you've been through a lot. You took good care of your husband, now it's time to take care of yourself. I most sincere thoughts and prayers.

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  58. My heart goes out to you. God has a wonderful man in Heaven with him. I'm very glad your going to grief counseling. I'm sure it will help. Writing in your blog will help even more. Nothing will erase the pain. Just the love of God, friend and family will ease your suffering. God bless you Lana. I know you have a strong spirit and will to survive. Sending you much love and always prayers.

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  59. Lots of love and prayers Lana I am sending to you ... xxx

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  60. Every time i am reading this, i break down in tears, just can't help it...My husband is 9 years older then me and we dream to die in one day but if something happens to him one day i just dont know how i would deal with that...probably i would refuse to eat and die..you are so strong i wish i could be like you!And yes, life is short...i am 22 but I know that..but i guess thats okey as long as we reunion with all those we treasure after death. I cant tell how much i felt your pain, as if i went through it myself...But now time to stop crying and your husbund will visit you in your dreams, you will be with him but in a different way then before! Loads of Kisses

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  61. My heart and soul ache for your loss. I appreciate you sharing such an emotion and traumatic event. I am sitting here bawling and my heart breaks for you. Please know that you are in my prayers and I pray that time helps you move forward in your life. You and your husband had a special bond and that can never be broken. Hold strong and don't lose your amazing spirit. Love you.

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  62. I love that outfit!!
    Much love,
    Wengie
    http://www.wengie.com

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