Tuesday, August 7, 2012

How To Be a Widow II

Time passes and memories of the last painful days ebb just the tiniest bit each day but the hurt is still simmering there, right beneath the surface.
24/7

You wake up each day and the sun still shines. Days pass and you even laugh. I still have feelings of guilt for being here and alive and Henry is not.
Had it only been me to go and not him. Visiting his grave each day, I want to open it up and crawl inside.
I have begun going to grief counseling and that helps. To be in a group of others...mothers, fathers, husbands, wives. All of them love and lost and it hurts. They say that "Time heals all wounds" but there is one addendum to that old adage and that is that time may heal but a scab forms and the slightest thing such as a song or smell or memory opens it up and the heart bleeds. Again.

I am strong.
I can do this.

Each day I get up. I apply lipstick and put one foot forward and life continues.
Henry would want me to be happy. He loved reading my blog and my watching my videos. The best thing about my husband was that he listened to me. I mean really LISTENED to me. Whether it was about lipstick or kids or the dogs. No subject matter was too small or too slight.
He listened to me. And isn't that what a "best friend" does?
Simply put, we had a marriage that many dream of. My best advice for success in any relationship is so easy and simple.

Be KIND to each other.

That's it.
Be kind.

Kindness is as easy as it is implied.
We all argue or feel our side or point of view is the correct one.
Would you rather always be RIGHT or always be HAPPY?
I choose being happy. Being right all the time is too much work.
I'm no one's doormat but I also don't feel the need to push my opinions, thoughts or ideas down anyone's throat.

I want so bad to go back and watch the videos that my husband was in but that day will be a long way off. We had so much fun making them. We had so much fun EVERY day!
Henry told me how proud of me he was daily. He told others I was "The Love of his Life."
I received sympathy cards from so many friends that wanted to share that Henry would always say that. *sigh*
Being the Love of His Life.
What a GIFT!
Those words help ease the pain. Just a tad.

The day of the showing was exhausting but with the love and support of my family and friends, we all got thru it. Ten hours of people and stories and so much love for my husband. It's funny to feel so close to so many strangers, acquaintances, and those you love all wrapped up into one day. I have found that when people tell me they knew my husband, I feel an instant bond. You knew him? Oh, please tell me more! Just talking about him keeps him alive in my heart and probably theirs as well.

The day of the funeral was to be grueling. To send a loved one off into eternity forever?
How does one do that?



I sat down each day and wrote down everything. Writing is therapy for myself and many others. Henry loved my writing. He made me promise to continue, hoping it would not only help me but others going thru an ordeal like this or something similar. If it helps one wife or sister, parent, brother or child that has lost a love, then all the better.

I love you all so much. Your kindness does indeed honor Henry and my gratefulness to you is more than I can put into words. We were both so blessed.

Be kind. Be kind to those you love and even to those you don't.

More later....








97 comments:

  1. Such beautiful words, Lana. I'm happy to hear that you are continuing to write. Not just for my own selfish reasons, but because I know that it helps.

    After such a horrendous loss, it kind of makes you want to harden your heart. That old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," sounds great but I know, for me, I haven't always felt that way. There was a time I decided that I didn't want to love anyone because the heartbreak of loss was just too much to bear. I questioned everything. Thankfully, the heart is resilient.

    Time does NOT heal all wounds, it just helps us to find a new normal and learn coping methods. I wish that there was some way to help you, to encircle you with love and support, to hold your hand, listen to your thoughts, embrace you, and just be present with and for you. Sometimes I find that helps more than anything. We, the cyber community, are here...just not near.

    Much love - Kathy in Nashville

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  2. My heart breaks for you sweet pea. I know what a special love you had with your beloved Henry. Thinking of you. xxxooo

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  3. So true. Please keep writing. You are gifted with words and thank you for sharing. Still think of you and send a prayer your way.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in these hard times.. You're an inspiration to me and for sure to others as well.. Your love to Henry and your strength to step forward is beyond words.. i"ll include you and your family in my prayers.. Love you Lana and God bless..

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  5. Beautifully said Lana. Thinking of you to-day and always.

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  6. Thank you Lana for sharing. Yes do keep writing, I think it helps to put the words on a paper/computer. Hugs for you from Sweden

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  7. sending you a hug lana ,don't have the words to try and comfort you ,stay strong love xx

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  8. So happy to hear that you're in couseling - not because you're loopy ;-) .. but because it may help easy your grief and help you recover and heal.

    {{hugs}}

    Monica
    San Diego

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  9. Hugs to you Lana.......I love hearing about you and Henry and your love that you had together. It gives me hope that you really can find that in life even if you have to wait awhile. Your words touch me.........and make me want to be better each moment. Thank you for that. :)

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  10. Time doesn't make you miss them any less, just helps you remember more "happy" and less "sad". It's mom's birthday this weekend..... the first of many "firsts" this year. I haven't been to the cemetary yet....... hurts too much to think about it......... You are always and forever in my prayers dear Lana. Keep writing........ please. Love you! XOXO Natalie (075)

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  11. Oh Lana..when your posts and videos stopped, I feared the worst.. these posts bring me to tears....love from Ohio..

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  12. Thinking of you and sending big hugs of love. Eva

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  13. Thank you for sharing your story even through such a difficult time. Sending you lots of love and prayers. You are an inspiration, Lana. Stay strong! xoxo Lexi

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  14. My heart is still breaking for you my sweet friend. I am glad that you are still writing because I believe it is therapeutic for you. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers always! Love you! Big hugs. . . Vickie

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  15. Glad you are going to grief counseling, and that it is of some help!

    You DID have the kind of marriage we all want.
    You ARE strong.
    You CAN do this.
    You WILL do this!

    ~♥~

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  16. Beautiful words as always Lana.

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  17. Lana, thank you so much for your scab analogy (sorry, that sounds gross and weird)...it perfectly puts into words something I've not been able to do as clearly.

    Prayers of renewal of spirit to you!

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  18. It is strangely comforting to me to see that you are blogging and expressing your feelings. We love you and worry about how your doing because after all Lana, you are an important part of our lives. Those movies will be so wonderful for you when you are ready. I only have one of my sweet Daddy taken before he passed and I watch it every now and then and it makes me feel so close to him again. Thank you for keeping in touch with us. <3

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  19. Lana:

    After reading your blog yesterday, I asked my husband to go golfing. We hadn't golfed together this year. We've been glued to the television watching the Olympics.

    We did 9 holes and had fun. Thank you for waking me up. I realized that I'm nice to everyone around me, but never really thought if I was nice to the most important person in my life. I thought of you and Henry when I was on the golf course. I hope this doesn't upset you, because that's the last thing in the world I would want to do. I just wanted you to know you reminded me to appreciate the time we have, ignore the little things and to be nice.

    Thank you Lana.

    MrsSuze51

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  20. Just a smile from you makes Henry in Heaven happy :)

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  21. Bless you , your leaving a wonderful legacy to your beloved husband by remembering him like this and allowing us to have a glimpse into the love you shared ( keep putting on the lipstick and taking those steps ) i know its not the same but when my mum died ( she was only 56 ) that was in 2010 and its still so hard but i am getting used to it now. A lot of the pain is from guilt for all the things i didn't say and do ( as it was so sudden and without warning ) , didn't have the best childhood so it was difficult to say the least ... Non the less i would give anything for 5 more minuets with her now. Lana ... please keep writing and when your ready your videos as you are such an interesting wonderful soul. Henry would be so proud of you, i am certain of it. love and hugs x

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  22. You are and will continue to be an inspiration to others Lana. God will comfort you and as time goes on, the pain will be replaced by the wonderful memories that you both shared. Your husband's loving spirit will be with you always. You are a beautiful person and I pray that God gives you the strength you need to push forward.

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  23. I think about you and Henry, daily.

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  24. Such good advice, be kind, words to live by. Life is so short and much is taken for granted. I know you will get through this and the scab will eventually heal. We all love you and pray you will find peace in your heart and comfort from those around you.

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  25. I never commented, because I thought nothing I could say would help and perhaps sometimes silence is golden. But this time I just want to say you are so amazing for continuing to be so strong. Also, thank you for your words of wisdom. We so often forget to be kind and it is important to have someone like you remind us. Thank you, thank you a million times and you & Henry are in my thoughts. Please take care.

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  26. Be kind...yes...amen to that, dear Lana :)

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  27. Thinking of you every day Lana...don't stop your writing or (in time) your videos. You are, as Henry said, an inspiration and everyone is so proud of you xx

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  28. Lana,We pray that our Father provides you with peace and strength to sustain you. You have been a blessing to others that you will never know because of what they have been or are going through. A video here to provide a reprieve, a blog for hope and a tweet for a smile. You are keeping Henry's spirit alive by passing on who and what he was and living Henry's being.

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  29. Indeed Lana, writing is therapy for you and it does help others to feel less isolated in their grief and the pain that comes with it. You mustn't stop writing - for Henry's sake since it was important to him that you continued and because you are SO good at it!!! You have been blessed with a gift in writing Lana, coupled with your beautiful soul you have so much to offer us and share with us. You make this world a much nicer place to live in. (((hugs))) xxxooo

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  30. Sit in the sunshine, even if it's just for a few minutes.

    ~♥~

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  31. My heart aches for you... not a day goes by that I don't think of you and those are not just words, it is so true. I love you with all my heart and Pray for you everyday.. the love Matt and I share is the love you shared with Henry, to lose my best friend... I don't know how I would go on... I guess just like you.. taking life day by day... relearning how to live again. Your pain resinates though me like a drum beating out lifes message but in your pain you offer hope to so many and that is just who you are, sweet, caring, unselfish Lana, I am so honored to call you my friend. Love and Prayers from Texas and the Elliott family ~

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  32. Some people can be married for a long time but not be happy - not really, completely happy. Sounds like you and Henry, although you weren't married for very long, were really, completely happy. What a treasure that is.

    Love and hugs, Lana. xx

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  33. You are an inspiration Lana,please don't stop your writing or your videos when your up to it,I enjoy your videos so much they are so enjoyable and comical,yes you crack me up at times,
    you have given me lots of ideas on how to stay beautiful on the outside but more importantly on the inside as well thank you for your blog and letting us know how your coping ,I'm sure that in time you will smile and be happy again,that's what Henry would want,so,chin up!and all the best for the future.
    000xxx to you Lana,you are a beautiful soul.
    From Margaret.
    Australia.

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  34. Stand outside at night, and look at the stars. Even if it's just for a few minutes.

    ~♥~

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  36. Words fail me.......... YOU amaze me

    Sending you Love...Dearest Lana

    Diana

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  37. It's so good to hear from you Lana. It reassures me that you will survive this great loss. The pain of loss never leaves, but with time you dwell less and less on the pain. I know this first hand. Please know that I am still praying for you and I send you love and light daily.

    Hugs~
    Mary (mjd716)

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  38. Please know that you are so loved by so many people. You know, when I started watching your videos, I had recently gone through a major loss (my closest relative, and was left without any family. It was devastating. Your sweet smile and humor helped me start smiling and taking care of myself again. It means the world that you did this for me. Thank you. You're in my daily thoughts and prayers.

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  40. Dear Lana, with each word you write I know you better hurt for you and love that you are honoring Henry by writing. Your love for him shines with every word and reflects the bond you had for each other, God bless you for sharing and giving us all the strength to get through or worries and the longing for a loved one. Much love always hugs Margaret x x x

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  41. 'Be Kind'....that hit me hard as simple as those words are....I often find myself NOT being in a good place with my Hubby due to our horrible schedules. He works in the medical field and is gone usually from 6am-12midnight during the week. I feel at times I am raising our son alone. I am worn thin most of time and take it out on him. When I read those words...it made me really think about what I'd really do if God forbid I'd lose him. Life IS so precious, EACH day is so precious. Lana, through your pain you are helping others with your honesty. I can't begin to tell you how your selflessness has helped me. I pray for your pain to soften. Thank you so much! God Bless you always.
    <3

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  42. Lana, you are an inspiration! Just like you, I have many days of depression. I don't want to get out of bed & have to make myself. There are so many days I feel lost and terribly sad. The ray of sunshine comes from watching your videos. Stay strong and keep on keeping on!

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  43. Baby steps are the only way xxxx

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  44. If you can get next to water, do, and sit there a while. Ocean is best, but any will do.

    ~♥~

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  45. Lana, I just want to tell you that I think about you all the time <3 All my love to you... :)

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  46. Lana, you know, you really should keep writing. I believe that it's going to help you work through the grieving process. And, yes, it does and will help others going through the same experience. As always, your fans love your honesty, your humor, and your kindness always shines thorugh.

    Jeanne

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  47. Dearest Lana,
    Your 30,000+ subscribers are the little heats of love that you missed as a child. You fell through the cracks and we hope and pray that somehow this support will assist in smoothing it over. And for all of those other children of the past and in the present who fell through, Lord have mercy on them.

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  48. Dearest Lana I just spent last evening and this morning catching up with your blog and whats been going on In your life... I have absent for quite some time myself... I kept checking in to you tube to see if there was word from you the months passed and knew something was wrong... So first let me start by saying i am so very sorry to learn that you have lost your dear Henry... My heart aches for you.. I found you on you tube acouple of years ago while searching for makeup tips and was hooked.. I knew there was something about you so genuine and true...I sat down one weekend and had a Lanaindiana marathon and watched your videos..I remember thinking this lady is fun, quirky, down to earth.. Watching your videos became less about learning make up tips etc.. And more about wanting to watch you because you are fun and make me smile and laugh. I remember one time someone making a nasty comment because of your wealth..I remember replying to that nasty comment saying you didn't owe us an explanation about anything and your money is your business... Ppl are just rude and nasty... What is wealth without health?? Nothing... So for the person who was being rude in that comment... I hope the fleas of a thousand camels attack your crotch and your arms too short to scratch!!! Anyway... Moving along ...I remember the video that you made about becoming a CASA and explaining to us what that was etc.. And how upset Henry was with you for doing it because he worried about you.. I also remembered thinking why is she doing that and that wow what a kinD person to do that for kids... Now that I have read all of your chapters it all makes sense that you want to be there for other kids because you had nobody... Oh Lana my heart breaks for you in so many ways... You have a heart of gold dear!!! You inspire me!!! I knew there was more to you than just a pretty face that has nice things... You went through a lifetime of he'll nobody has a right to judge anyone unless theyhave walked a mile in your shoes... I know you are going through a dark time right know.. It's fcking horrible to lose someone you love.. I just wanted you to know that I'm still here thinking of you... Faith, hope & love, Anita

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  49. Lana, I think you hit the jackpot when you met Henry...... and I don't mean money-wise. We got to know him a bit through you, and it seems to me that he was a genuinely fine human being. You have been blessed in a way that many will never see in their own lives.

    There is nothing to do but to go through the grief and sorrow. I know you will come out of the other side of it eventually and continue to inspire us. God bless you and your extended family.

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  50. Turn your face to the sun, close your eyes, and take a very deep breath.


    ~♥~

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  51. Sending you all my love and heart felt good wishes with hugs in abundance dearest Lana. xxxooo

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  52. Love you Lana. Be Strong.
    If I lived in Indiana, I swear I would have made the trip to see you. Love you so much.

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  53. Thank you for continuing to blog. I'm sure your words are helping many others. Not everyone comments but many do just read your words. You are a blessing to all. You've had a horrendous childhood and you'll have a blessed afterlife in Heaven with Henry. I pray that won't be for a very long time. You have much work to do. I'm sure you'll go back to helping the poor children who need help. You have a huge heart that God gave you. I'm so sorry Lana. I wish I could take away your hurt. I didn't have a viewing or funeral for my parents. They didn't want them. I just had a mass said for them both. My family came to visit after mass. It was heartbreaking. I don't remember much of it. Eventually I threw out all the cards I was given. I just didn't want to read them anymore. It hurt too much. I still hurt when I think of my parents death. It's been a long time and something I'll never get over. Time does heal but the memory is still there. You had a wonderful man to be with it. It must give you great solace to know he was such a good person and man to many. God bless you.

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  54. Dear Precious Lana, I think of you always--and I pray for you each time I do. My heart hurts so deeply over your loss of your beloved Henry. (((LANA))) You are so greatly loved.~Marilyn

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  55. I know this love Lana...I have it myself....God gave you and Henry the blessing of love...may he give you the blessing of strength to carry you through the most difficult time of your life...my thoughts are with you...There is kindness all around you...strangers with hearts aching for you...so many lives that you have touched....each one waiting for you to smile...each one wishing they could ease the pain...but it is the memory of Henry that will walk you through it all...thinking of you always. Tammy

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  56. I hope your are ok Dear Lana and the days are kind to you, we are all here ready for when you feel able to write again, I feel your grief, I have lost 2 daughters and one Son to stillbirth, Time does not make it go away, it just makes it easier to cope, I've read the comments from all the wonderful people who also read your blog and it's very apparent the amount of love people have for you and your dear family, Take care hun xx

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  57. My sincerest sympathy and love to you Lana during this time...you and Henry are in my thoughts and prayers right now. Lots of love and the biggest hug from Colette in Ireland. xxxxx

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  58. Wow Lana,
    The love of your subscribers. I know it can not take away the pain from what you are feeling; but please know that you are loved.Please. Isn't that is all we really want in life? Prayers for you and those who have lost their loved ones.

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  59. My condolences.


    Lots of love to you, Lana. You bring so much light and beauty and help to others. I am a new fan and think you are a miracle.

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  60. I have been missing your videos, and wondering about you and howyou have been. I just found your blog, now it all is making since why I have not seen you around. = (

    Thinking of you! Keeping you in my prayers! Miss your sunshine!

    Brooke

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  61. I am new to your blog and to your Youtube, but I have sub'ed and read everything you have posted. Please come back and check in and let us know that you are okay. Everyone misses you so and is worried about you. Prayers are on the way to you and your family. Wendy

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  62. I'm missing your great writing and your very funny and informative videos. I am also a widow of 4 years and lost my 18 year old son in a car accident 20 years ago so your writings are very helpful. Thanks for all, even if you decide to never post anything again. You are very talented!

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  63. Dear Lana,

    Reading your blog entries makes me believe that while Henry has passed on what remains is a victorious love. To genuinely share our hearts with another we must transcend. Henry has gone forward with your faith and love. The greatest love story ever told are found in these moments where hearts eclipse into something greater and more profound. Love should be glorious Lana-and I believe it's been.

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  64. Lana,
    I just looked at your you tube channel to see if maybe you would be there although deep in my heart I knew you would not be there! But I was so very sorry to see the condolences written there!
    I had prayed your loving husband Henry would pull through that dreaded disease!
    I know you are in a world of pain and I wish there was something we could do! Please know how much you are loved and how your gifts and talents have helped so many of us! My favorite Lana video was when you went out and rolled down a snow covered hill...just to give us a laugh... May that type of joy you gave us then be yours (in ever increasing doses) again soon! With love and prayers for you, Kathy

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  65. Lana,

    My deepest sympathies go out to you. I was wondering why you have not posted videos in a while and I was hoping this was not the reason why. Everything happens for a reason, and keep doing what you're doing because Henry would want you to be Happy! You're a huge role model to me as I am only a 17 year old girl and have watched your videos for as long as I can remember, secretly wishing we were related in someway because you have such a presence to you! Hope you have a smile on your face reading all these lovely comments and knowing so many care about you just like you care about others!

    Keep your head up Lana.

    Best,

    Kat

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  66. Lana,

    I was worried about you when I noticed there were no new videos. You have my deepest sympathies. I use to always talk about you and your husband with my sister and saying how both of you seem to really have a great connection, love, and devotion. No, you do not know me and I do not know you except for youtube but you have given me great advice regarding beauty, being happy, and just being yourself. If you ever need anything I hope I am able to help.

    Take care and keep that beautiful smile on your face.

    Ogamiitto

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  67. I love that outfit!!
    Much love,
    Wengie
    http://www.wengie.com

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