Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Is it Ever Okay to Lie?



Every morning, no matter how ill or how much pain, Henry would get up and go to the office. It was his focus. Good for him to keep his mind off what was going on inside his wracked body. Neither of us knew.
He had refused to go to a doctor for a scope or scan or test. He had had it and I don't blame him. Surgery to deform him with no guarantee? No thanks. Maybe buy him 3 more months but no tongue, no voice, no face?
Our friends would ask me daily "How is he? What's going on? Is he ok? Is the cancer gone?"
My classic answer.... "I don't know. I am his nurse and the internet is our doctor."

The internet is a handy tool for quick solutions to simple problems but try diving into it deeply for REAL answers to real health issues. You can be lost in all of it and come away more confused than ever.
Nothing I could say or do would change his mind to see a medical professional. I ranted, raged, pleaded, begged, bargained.
Please?
No.
So on we went. Marching forward thru each day. Trudging along. Blissfully ignorant.

I have decided I am over all of the gloom and sadness and putting it out there. That is not who Henry was nor am I. He loved my blogs but I think even he would say to stop being so sad. One thing my husband was... He was FUN and funny. Four days before he died he said something so freaking funny it had me bent over laughing and crying.
God I miss him so.
But... This one thing keeps me awake for hours in the dark of night. It haunts me.
Actually, grieving these days is not at all about me, it's about what Henry went thru at the end. That is what sends me to bed for days to cry and cry. I can't get past what he went thru. The pain, the chemo, the radiation, the feeding tubes and not eating a BITE of food for over a year... Barely able to sip a drop of water. The swelling, the pain... ALL of it.
Those are the things I hurt about. Not about ME but about HIM.

His left arm swelled up to five times the size it normally was. Both legs swelled so huge that I would describe his feet as giant hams stuck to the ends of his legs with little toes stuck on.
Still he refused medical treatment. He wanted this done HIS way.
Everywhere in the house that he went there was this sticky stuff on the floor. Did one of the kids spill Kool-Aid? I would mop and scrub but at the end of the day it was sticky again. I found out later that it was protein leaking from his pores as he walked, he was so swollen. It had no where else to go so it seeped from him as he took each step.

Still he went to work.

I knew things were changing. He seemed to be dizzy and disoriented at times. I worried about him driving the 1.2 miles from our home to the office. I would walk with him to the car in my pajamas and coffee in hand, as the car would reach the end of the drive, I would follow it down the street. "Please God let him get there safely."
I would whisper silently as the car turned the corner out of sight.

About a week later, he came home and each day, each hour and each minute, things grew progressively worse.

He didn't go back to work. I knew things were bad. Henry not going to the office? It was really bad but he never complained or said a word about how he was feeling.
Each hour he was worse by now...

He asked me for paper and pen. He wanted to write. I gave him a stark white pad of paper and a pen with the company logo on it. He was adamant about writing something... What?
"I need to write this but write how do I write it?" he said.
"I'm not sure, write what you know." I told him, totally confused by what he wanted to say.
He began to write....
He wrote the date, his name and my name and wrote that I was amazing.
Oh God, I can't stop crying about this.
"Why am I amazing, darling? What do you mean "amazing?" I asked when I read what he had written.
He looked up at me and with that sweet smile of his, he told me he would save that and tell me someday and then I would know.

His next question...."Am I dying?"

What?
No!!!!
No, no,no, no.
No!

My heart fell clear to the floor and stopped.
Why did he ask me that?

" Why? Why do you ask me that?"

In the quietest voice I had ever heard, he said.."Because I feel like I'm dying."

Oh God! No.

At that exact moment, I think I knew. Tell him yes? Lie?

"Of course you're not dying, silly. You're going to be fine. Everything is fine." I lied.

Was I lying to him and to myself? Should I have told him yes? Should I have lied?
The answer to this question haunts me. Wakes me up at 2:00 a.m. every morning and sticks in head all thru the day. Should I have told him????
If/when my time comes, someone had better damn well be telling me about it!
I want to know.
To this day, I don't know if my lie was the right thing to do or not.
In my defense... I didn't know. Only God did.
Two days later he was gone. I had called the priest that married us to come to our home to give him his "Last Rites"
As the priest blessed him and prayed over him, I crawled into the bed. I held him in my arms. He took three last breaths and gently died in my arms. My heart died that day too.
Will the tears ever stop? I doubt it.

I can't wait to see my husband again. I need to tell him so much.
I want to tell him how proud I was to be his wife. How happy he made me. How very much I love him. I want to tell him that I am sorry I lied to the most important question he has ever asked of me.
And... I want to ask him about that one question he said he'd tell me about later....
Why did you write that I am so amazing?
I look forward to that day.

PS. To the miserable person that wrote the cowardly letter...
I know who you are.
I want to Thank You.
You see, your intention was to hurt but I have had all the hurt I can. Your words didn't hurt me. In fact they helped me and for that I thank you.
You lit a fire under me.
No more sitting looking at the walls. I am going back to work. I am going back to blogging and making videos soon. I learned one very valuable lesson in losing my darling husband and that is this:
Life is VERY short. Enjoy it.
And that is exactly what I intend to do.
Your cruel words mailed to me were intended to crush me. You can not. I am strong.
After all.... My husband thinks I am amazing!

I love you all. Thank you for being here. You, all of you, truly are amazing.

100 comments:

  1. Bless your heart Lana,I probably would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes. Your a strong woman and I don't even know what I would do if I lost my love and best friend. Be strong Lana, and live the life your darling husband would have wanted you to!

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  2. Lana you truly are AMAZING. All in caps! We all love and miss you every day! Stay strong and do whatever feels right to you and your family! We love you and stand behind you every day!
    Cheers-Lisasz09

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  3. Precious Lana. I remember my mother always said she would be fine. She lied to us. I saw a Medium after her death and it really was very comforting to me. I know a lot of people think it's hocus pocus but it brought me peace because that's the one thing that haunted me, when I took her off life support, was did i give up to easily when she never thought she was going to die. Sure enough the answers came in that meeting with the Medium. There will always be what if's Lana, but you know that you and Henry had a very VERY special love, and you never disappointed him. AND YOU ARE AMAZING! xxxooo

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  4. It was a light lie, not a dark one. A light lie are the lies that give people that tiny glimmer of hope and light that they need to not fall apart when they are in the dark at the bottom.
    You gave him a little light, and that is not a bad thing, and not a bad lie.

    I`m glad to "see" you again <3

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  5. Oh Lana...good for you!! I've said all along that you are made of really tough stuff and that when you are ready you'll be back stronger, better than ever. Because I believe, after all, that was Henry's legacy to you and all those who knew him. That you would be better people for having known him. Love you and can't wait to see that sweet, beautiful face again...
    hugs...patti

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  6. Lana you are so amazing ! As a wive you have walked through hell watching your husband in so much pain, and then the lose of him . Your so brave , you did everything right for Henry to make his time as good as you could !

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  7. I agree, you are amazing! What a perfect word Henry left for YOU! We do the best we can, and make the best decisions that we know how(at that time). That's what you did..... Love you! ~Natalie

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  8. Yes, darling. A lie told to comfort & give strength is a gift. You followed your heart then and I know that you will again in the days to come. Henry was so right, you ARE amazing. When I think of my petty problems vs. someone like you who has lost the love of her life, I feel small. I know that you are hurting but I admire you for deciding to continue with the things that bring you joy, things that are the very root of who you are & who Henry loved. Please FORGET about the hate and hypocrisy out there in this at times very evil world. You are loved tremendously, admired and respected, & I wish you all the peace your heart can hold as you go forward 1 day at a time~ my brave, lovely friend. xoxo ~Patti

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  9. Yes, darling. A lie told to comfort & give strength is a gift. You followed your heart then and I know that you will again in the days to come. Henry was so right, you ARE amazing. When I think of my petty problems vs. someone like you who has lost the love of her life, I feel small. I know that you are hurting but I admire you for deciding to continue with the things that bring you joy, things that are the very root of who you are & who Henry loved. Please FORGET about the hate and hypocrisy out there in this at times very evil world. You are loved tremendously, admired and respected, & I wish you all the peace your heart can hold as you go forward 1 day at a time~ my brave, lovely friend. xoxo ~Patti

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  10. Lana you did what felt right at the time so it must have been the thing to do. I know I have told you I lost my husband to cancer and have gone thru much of what you have ..... I keep questioning things even after 10 years ,silly as that sounds I am mad at myself because I wish I had done some things a different way at the end of the day I think we all do what feels right at the time in the place that we are in . I have said it before , Girl you are a writer you are so good at expressing yourself and bring me so much emotion Love you Lana and thinking of you ! Nancy ( CocoPink44)

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  11. Lana,
    You definitely amaze me too. I agree with the others that Henry used the perfect word to describe you. I continue to admire your strength and courage. Big Hugs, Stacie xoxo

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  12. Lana,I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I don't think you lied to your husband, he knew it was his time. Be strong, there are many people who love you and care about you.

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  13. If you ask all of your friends here, they would answer that they would do the same thing. It's called a "Love Lie". You not only cared for Henry, you truly, deeply loved him and wanted to protect him.

    Looking forward to your return. Selfish to say, but we need you in Blogland and YouTube land.

    Love
    Susan

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  14. It was not a lie, it was an act of tenderness. You both knew... but why use hard words, that would only cause more pain?
    Looking forward to your come back!
    And that person with the letter, oh boy, they do have real issues with themselves, to verbally attack a person in such pain. Ignore!

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  15. Lana, you are truly AMAZING! I am so glad to hear that you are going to pick up your boot/strings and get back to living. It seems that Henry was truly AMAZING too! Going thru what he went thru, he was truly a hero in his own right! I agree that your "loving lie" was truly that...to give him hope, even though he knew and maybe was trying to get you ready for what was going to come. Somehow I think the dying try to make it easier for the living to go on...stay what and who you are..don't give up on Lana! :)

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  16. The way you answered your husband was out of love and to give him hope. This is what a loving person does. We don't want to hurt them, we want to lift them up. If he kept insisting on it, then maybe I would have told him but it sounds like he didn't so I would have done what you did. You were comforting him and trying to give him hope to go on. I think deep down he knew anyway. He wanted you to know that you were his AMAZING wife and to leave you with that thought so you wouldn't question any decision you made. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You do what you need to do and take as long as you need to. Don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty about any of it. If you still cry and mourn every day and find it difficult to get out of bed, so be it. You will find the right day and time when you are ready to face the world again. Life is too short and we all need to remember that and live life to the fullest. Hoping to see you blogging again soon.

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  17. Yes, dear Lana, YOU are amazing; in fact, you are incredible. You put it into words what I have been feeling and that is that you cry for what they have gone through, you cry for their pain and you cry because they will never again have the joys of this world. But I do keep telling myself that the joys in this world is minor compared to the joys of being with our creator.(at least I try to think that way). You both were lucky to have each other and to be able to spend that time together; you were put here and had the experiences you had to equipt you to be with him at that time. If that makes sense, Love you Lana.

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  18. Henry was right, Lana! You are a truly amazing woman! You lied to him to comfort him and give him hope. No one could fault you for that. Henry saw good in you. He knew the warm,caring, loving woman that you are.

    It's so hard to believe that someone could send you such a cruel letter at anytime, let alone a time like this, but if it helped you and motivated you to start living again, that part is a good thing. Love you sweet Lana! Big Hugs. . . Vickie ♥

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  19. ***AMAZING LANA***that you totally are!!! I googled and found this definition for the word "amazing" & Henry is absolutely right on: "Something that is so wonderful, it is hard to find the words to match. Something that makes your heart beat faster or your heart melt. Something that tops everything else, and always crosses your mind" WOW so beautiful!!! This is what your Henry was trying to tell you Lana!!! What a beautiful gift he left you with before leaving and beginning his eternal life. You were as Henry put it "The love of his life"!!! Lana you're a very strong lady that's been through so much in life and you continue to live it so positive and beautiful...Now thats "Amazing"!! As to the Miserable person who wrote to you it's like the saying goes "Misery loves Company"...but they are S#*T out of luck!!! They want you to be miserable with them but it's never going to happen, so it's like they just hit a blocked wall!!! I actually feel sorry for people like that and all I do is to wish them well and pray to God that one day they can find happiness in their life. Well Lana continue to be that amazing lady and we're here with open arms!!!! Love you friend....Araceli

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    Replies
    1. Your words made my day. I love you. You are my treasure. xo
      Thank You

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    2. Oh Sweety you just made mine!!! Glad to hear from you!!! Take care and We all Love you so much!!! (HUGS)!!!

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  20. Oh sweet Lana...I am so looking forward to your vids again. Time has come to celebrate life and honor Henry by doing the things that matter to you. I'll be patiently waiting....Dar

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  21. Lana- I am so sorry for your loss and I think you were brave and strong to stand by your sweet love and help him cross over to heaven. God was standing right by your side helping you so whatever you told Henry was in love. As for the mean letter just know that you ARE strong and that people are stupidly crazy. Consider the source. Don't stoop to his/her level. Praying for you!!!

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  22. Lana ... I love this post so much, for so many reasons ... cannot wait to see you back on youtube ... do you even know how much you impact others' lives?? much love and admiration, meredith

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  23. Lana, you are so strong to work through overcoming this. We are all looking forward to your videos again. Please stay as happy and as healthy as you can be!

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  24. Dear Lana,
    I only hope that this comment might bring you some small comfort. I have never met you but have followed your blog and watched your videos always enjoying them. It is my thought that absolutely everything you did for your husband was always done from a place of true love, and therefore your worry about a lie is an unnecessary torture you are suffering through. You LOVED your husband so much, and he you, this is such an obvious statement but by the mere fact that it is obvious to total strangers should give you an idea of the sheer magnitude of your love for each other. True love the love you both shared is so very rare and precious please don't torture yourself with self doubt. I didn't know your husband but I cannot imagine that someone who loved you so much would ever want you to feel this way. as far as the person who wrote you that letter, oh my there are so many mean people in the world! I wish you peace, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  25. Your husband was right...you ARE amazing!!

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  26. Sweet Lana...Please don't worry. He knew. He knew all :) You did nothing wrong, you comforted your husband when he needed it most!!! I promise you, HE KNEW the answer to his question...You'll see, he'll let you know when you meet again!

    I love you to bits and to the asshole that wrote that letter, you had better hope none of us find out who you are. We WILL come after you with everything we collectively have. I promise, it won't be pretty!

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  27. You never lied because you never knew, you did everything Henry did, Praying, Hoping and Wishing he would live. Even if you was told he would die how could you give up, why would you give up. You did everything Henry loved you for, caring, loving, feeling his pain and being by his side until the end. It was out of your hands Lana, doing what you did for Henry gave him peace by staying by his side you proved your love to him and Henry would say have NO regrets.

    You are a remarkable lady, I am so happy you are writing again and returning back to work because I know you love your Job and every word you write show how much you love writing.

    May I add that the miserable cowardly person who sent you that letter you was way to kind to them, I would have said

    ..ROT IN HELL... Because that's where people go who do the devils work ...

    I look foreword to seeing your comeback video Lana, I know you can't feel %100 happiness but the little you have inside you let it shine be proud of being Henry's wife and best friend, let it live on in you Lana male the most of your life knowing that's what he would want. Take care Big hugs and love Margaret x x



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  28. Hi Lana...I haven't checked your blog for a while now...But I had a weird feeling and checked it just now. Lo and behold this post from you. I've had a feeling you'd be back soon. A woman like yourself is a force to be reckoned with. I knew it the first moment I saw the love in the eyes of that sweet dog Izzy in one of your videos. I don't have to say more. It's simple now Lana, and Henry would want it....time to make a video and come back with a vengeance and the love and zest for life you've always had. I'm sure it will be hard at first, but you have a lot of life left to live and a beautiful family. Do it for you. Do it for them. Do it for Henry. Do it for us. Do it for Izzy. Just do it! Love and kisses xoxo Kate

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  29. Lovely Lana, welcome back! I've missed you so much....in your own way - in your own time.... Those of us who love you will always be here with open arms & gentle hugs. We know what Henry meant when he said AMAZING. Xoxo Cindy

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  30. I lied to my sister a few times. I did everything I had in me to make her as comfortable as possible. You did the right thing..Lana believe me or not, I have always been in your corner. I know you are going through a really bad time. You are warmly in my thoughts and I do hope to see you soon again. With your utube family. sandy <3

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  31. Dear Lana I don't see your answer to Henry as a lie. I see it more as an act of hope, to make him stay with you a little longer. Who in their right mind would look at their loved one in the eyes and answer yes to that question? Nobody would my darling. You did the right thing. You are still in the grieving process and regret is a very normal part of it. Things done, things said, things undone and unsaid, all of those feelings will fight inside you for a bit then everything will calm down. But always remember what he told you last, that you are amazing! That will carry you a long way.
    I had a young friend who died of a heart attack in his bed, next to his wife. They had six, SIX little girls under the age of 10! She was first mad and him, mad at God, then she felt terrible regret for not telling him he loved him more, for being more patience with him. She wrote on her blog that she didn’t know how she would live the rest of her life with the sadness she felt in her heart. A few months passed and she wrote “I am able to smile again, and laugh with our girls” Grieving is a process, it takes time. But also there is not a set time, it doesn’t follow a schedule. It is however long you want each step to be. She always talks about my friend as if he went on a trip , I like it that way.
    I think you are right, your Henry wants for you to be happy. I hope he is allowed to come and visit you in your dreams, so you don’t forget is smell, his touch. Your videos picked me up more than once when I needed it the most. It will be a great day when I can see that beautiful face of yours again! I send you all my good energy and love. You are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

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  32. u did the right thing...my mother was asking me and i never told her the truth..she left peacefully and calm...i never regret it...i think that...they know..they just know when the end is coming..dont ask me how...but iam sure they do...God Bless you Lana, and God hold them in His arms...they dont suffer anymore...there is no better place than heaven..till the day we will see them again...Be strong and live..like your love, my mom was strong never gave up... and for sure they dont want us to be sad...they want us to be happy and smile..even if our heart still cries..sending you all my love.God Bless...Joan...

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  33. There are many of us here who think you are amazing. We can't begin to imagine what you have endured during your life and what you are experiencing now. But here you are, as strong and determined as ever. I can't believe anyone would write such a message upon the death of your husband. That would crush many people but not you, who has known true evil. I'm so happy that you had Henry for as many years as you did, and I know he's glad he had you. I think all most of us would hope for is that the people we love think we are amazing. Hugs to you. So glad you're going to be back blogging and on youtube. We've missed you.

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  34. Dearest Lana, How much you have been missed, how much I have wondered about you and your welfare. I don't see your actions as lies - you didn't know for sure and you did what any one of us would have done not just for Henry's sake but for YOURS too...you said no out of hope, you wanted it to be so.
    As for the person writing to you? Do they really think they are capable of stopping a woman like you?? You are no ordinary woman, you are beyond a shadow of a doubt, an AMAZING and extraordinary woman. Carry on in your determined spirit, continue to make your darling Henry proud. (((hugs))) ~ Leyla :) xxxooo

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  35. I love this post. Although I dont know how it feels to lose someone that close I felt it in your text. I use to watch your videos on youtube. You were so playful and fun and I think that was what your husband needed when he was ill. You kept his mind out of the pain or something and I dont think you realized that. Thats why he wrote you are amazing.
    Hope to see you soon on Youtube. I am watching you....

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  36. Yea! Lana is back! Beautiful amazing loving Lana is back! We've missed you.

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  37. Such a difficult journey for you Lana...sending you love and light and hoping that your pain eases with each passing day♥

    Mary (mjd716)

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  38. Lana, you are f*****g amazing!! You are an amazing woman and with your writing you touch so many and teach. Henry has touched so many of us already and I am sure through your stories he will continue to touch our lives in positive ways just as you do. I know he is cheering you on from the other side to do what you gotta do to get through this and live every second of the rest of your life to the fullest. Thank you for allowing us to be with you .....and for sharing your life with us. We love you Lana!!!!!

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  39. You did what you *could* do, Lana.

    If you *could* have said "Yes. I think you are dying.", then that is what you would have said.

    You did the best you could.

    You did what the vast majority of us would have done.

    And I'm sure Henry knew that. I am 100% certain he is not thinking "How could Lana not tell me I was dying?" I think he probably knew that death was upon him. Questions are usually just statements, in different form.

    Please do not allow yourself to be tormented over this.

    You did the best you could.

    You did a great job, Lana. It is sooooooo, so difficult to see someone you love sick, much less dying.

    You did what you could.

    You did well.

    ~♥~

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  40. Lana - you are such a brave spirit.
    There is no doubt (to me at least) that you did the right thing for Henry. So much so that it in fact was probably not a lie at all.
    You have been - and continue to be - an amazing human being.
    Love from a loyal follower across the Atlantic.
    Cheryl

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  41. Your answer to Henry wasn't a lie. I read this quote recently, and it gave me much comfort, so I'd like to share it with you:
    ‘People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal.’ ~Patricia Hampl
    Your strength is inspiring, and I wish you all the best now and in the future.

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  42. As long as he is in your heart and mind he has never gone. xxxxxxx

    As for the low life that wrote to you KARMA is a bitch

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  43. We all care about you so much, Lana! So glad to hear that you want to come back to make videos. Whenever your ready girl, we will be here waiting for you! xx Vanessa

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  44. I think he used the Word that best illustrated all that he felt in one fell swoop.
    Amazing: a·maz·ing  adjective

    causing great surprise or sudden wonder.

    Related Words for : amazing
    astonishing, awe-inspiring, awesome

    a·mazed, a·maz·ing, noun
    verb (used with object)
    1.to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly.

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  45. I've had a full life and I am very rarely moved to tears by a blog. But I have tears in my eyes as I write this... Thank you.

    Thank you for sharing your last days with your beloved... thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts... thank you for inspiring with your attitude toward your "secret admirer".

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  46. You are amazing Lana. I think he meant it by how much he felt loved by you. How you stood by his side when some would have left or hired someone to care for him. How beautiful inside you are as well as out. Your compassion was unending and your strength was inspiring. How when you live with a women like this would you not think SHE IS AMAZING!
    You did not lie you gave him and yourself that last bit of hope. He knew he was dying, but I think to hear you say no your not you will be fine maybe gave him a bit more strength. I don't know. But what I do know Lana is he knows just want you wanted to say and how you feel. He just read your blog too. And he wants you to know he is fine and feels great now. He loves you and will see you soon. His smile is so big and the sparkle you gave him for all the wonderful years he had with you is amazing.

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  47. Dear dear Lana, you truelly are such a wonderful, beautiful lady inside & out, The answer to Henry saying your amazing is staring you right in the face, Go to a mirror Lana, Look at yourself, Look right into your eyes, That's you, your soul, your heart, your Henry, Your are AMAZING my dear friend, We all love & Miss you so very much, I so look forward to hearing your working again, & I cannot wait for your Videos, Your an inspiration to us all, Bless you and your family xxx

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  48. Lana you didn't lie sweetie. You wished with all of your might that Henry would live. He knew and felt the time was coming and it was his way of breaking it to prepare you. Nothing you could ever do could be wrong. You are the strongest most beautiful woman I know and love you dearly.

    As for this letter! The mother cat comes out in me when someone hurts those I care for. How evil people can be never fail to astonish me. Right now after reading your blog it feels like scratch their eyes out time! (sorry its just unforgivable)

    Do what makes you feel happy honey. Do anything that comforts you. Spend time with those beautiful kids and grandbabies as much as you can and always know we love you and are in our prayers! xo Dawnten

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  49. Dearest Lana,

    I don't think you lied at all. I believe you gave him dignity at the end of his life. Something we all want. Henry loved you with all he had and you know he would not want you to live with guilt. No more than if the roles were reversed would you want that for him. There are no words that give comfort but know the love that is being poured out to you. Don't live under the burden of doubt and guilt but live as he wished for you.
    Biggest hugs to you Lana.
    Much Love,
    Marisa

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  50. YEAH. I am going to get my lana back soon I hope. I know that's selfish. But good for you. Really want you to do videos on how to look good under stress. How to put on a face in five minutes when your crying your eyeballs out. How to grow and thicken hair when its falling out in clumps from stress. Going throgh changes too. How to fix face up too look young when drained from energy. Remember what you did for him. Was amazing. He went out his way. Old jewish saying LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING. You have punished yourself enough.

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  51. Lana,
    May your sorrow be short and the memories you shared with your love be everlasting!!
    xo

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  52. Amazing...your love for your husband, your grace and courage under the most trying of times. What a sweet love you shared.

    Keep your head up, your heart strong. You will survive this difficult time because you are a fighter.

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  53. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find a measure of peace to help carry you through this difficult time.

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  54. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find a measure of peace to help carry you through this difficult time.

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  55. As always Lana, Thank you for sharing. Your light shines bright. I'm so glad you will not let those evil, heartless pieces of **** out there who discourage or try to bring you down at this time in your life.

    Love Always,

    Farrah Mayleigh

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  56. Your "lie" was the only way you knew how to give Henry hope. My Mother was haunted by the last words from her sister. Her sister said she wanted to talk to her because she was dying. My Mother told her she wasn't dying. My Aunt turned her head & never spoke to her again. She did die the next day. I guess we don't want to face that a loved one is going to die. I think I want to know also. Maybe some people would give up hope & die sooner. Others will make peace with their lives. It's a very hard thing to do. I'm so sorry your Henry had to go through so much pain & suffering. I still think of the suffering my loved ones went through. It's something that will never leave me. I can't believe someone would write you such a horrid letter. People are so cruel. Probably jealous of the love you & Henry shared. They probably live a lonely pitiful life. I'm glad though that it strengthened your spirit. You live your life as Henry knew that you could. Henry know what's in your heart. As you pray you can speak to him. He hears you. Love you Lana & God bless you.

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  57. I don't believe you lied. Henry didn't know - that's why he asked you. I don't believe you knew. In retrospect you know now but how could you have known. I hope you can find peace with this.

    @monarchangel

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  58. Of course you lied, Lana! We would all do the same in your place. And why did he ask? He asked because in his heart he knew he was dying but, like the rest of us would do in the same circumstances, he hoped and prayed it wasn't true and that just maybe there was a slim chance someone could reassure him that he wasn't going to die.

    Nobody would have the heart to tell their loved one that they were going to die. I know I couldn't.

    And someone wrote you letter to upset you? Dear God, the internet has revealed some disgusting people.

    We love you Lana!

    And to cheer you up a little, here's a wee story for you:

    Chatting to my 3 1/2-yr-old granddaughter Meaghan last night she was obviously keen to try out her new telephone social skills. I assumed that her request: "And may I speak to your husband, please, Nana?" meant she wanted to speak to her grandad!

    Lou xx

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  59. You and Henry are truly amazing people. What you did to make Henry’s life the best it could be, takes a hero in my eyes, and that is why he thinks you are amazing. I do not feel like you lied, as you say in your letter to us, only god knows.

    Someday you will feel joy in life again, when you share precious stories of Henry with your grandchildren. He will always be with you - when you look at the gifts he bought you through the years or the nice comments he gave you wearing certain outfits.

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  60. Oh, hon .. you did the right thing when you told your husband he wasn't dying .. as you said, you didn't know, only God knows.



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  62. Hi Lana- I love reading your story. There is a wonderful saying that goes like this (anonymous): "Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regrets, for I am more sure of what is kind, than I am of what is true." I have found this quote a comfort for my patient's families. Positive thoughts & prayers to you!

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  63. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

    MrsSuze51

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  64. I am so sorry to hear that someone sent you such a horrible letter. People who come into our lives, the good and the bad, loved ones we have lost, things we have learned, challenges we have faced, all contribute to making us who we are today. And then we discover WHO we really are by how we respond. And you are AMAZING! Henry would not have said it, if it were not so!
    Henry knew the answer to his question but big tough guys can't directly express fear. So he asked for support & comfort the only way he could and you responded the way your heart told you to. Your response could never be "wrong" for someone you loved so very much!
    Thrilled that you are going to be working and back making videos. You have been greatly missed and it has been much TOO long since I have seen your lovely face!
    Much love, Jan

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  65. ...and now you know what he meant..YOU ARE AMAZING!!
    cc

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  66. Two blondes, lovely evening, sitting on a bench talking.

    Blonde #1: "Which do you think is farther away - Florida, or the moon?"

    Blonde #2: "Helloooooooooo?! Can you see Florida...?????"



    ( ◠‿◠ )

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  67. Dearest Lana ~ I think your answer to Henry was just pure love. Simple. Sincere. Pure love.

    mary sue :)

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  68. Don't beat yourself up about a tiny white lie. It was done for the very best reason. I cannot even begin to think what yu must have gone through and are still going through. I tell you what though - I would have worn what I wanted to the funeral - maybe the dress your hubbie liked best?

    I was very worried when you started writing about your life as I did not think it the 'right time' and worried you had taken on too much. However, is there ever a good time to go this, I ask myself. I know it will be cathartic and cleansing for you.

    Henry and you were so strong.. I do so admire you.

    Keep strong.

    Suzi xx

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  69. You really impressed me...in everything...i was watching ur videos amazed by ur shoes and stuff and i was thinking: what a wonderful life she has! And then, i read about ur childhood...i could not belive what these 2 adult persons did for u and ur sister...
    How u survived...I was crying reading ur blog and i still do...but i hope it will be better...You are beautiful person inside and out.
    Lana, whay happened with 2 these cruel persons who raised u? are they still alive? Hugs and kisses Lana :*****

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  70. Amazing Lana...if wake you must at 2AM let it be because Henry's love for you is felt so strongly in your dreams that it opens your eyes so you can cherish it even better awake...not because you are torturing yourself...your "lie" was nothing short of a loving, selfless, immensely kind gesture towards a man you loved (and were loved by) wholeheartedly....haters will hate...if they push you to positive action...well, honey, living well IS the BEST and SWEETEST revenge. :) Godspeed...we've all missed you.

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  71. Lana, Henry knew you and loved you. He already knew what your answer would be, that's why he asked. That is what he wanted to hear. And it gave you another opportunity to comfort him. Sleep peacefully, you gave him exactly what he needed.

    Love you,
    floridapossum

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  72. Go Lana! You ARE strong. You are awesome and don't you ever forget it! You are such an inspiration to me. I knew you would find the will to smile again, and I am SO glad. Please, keep sharing your experiences with us :)

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  73. Lana, you are no liar. Don't question if you said the right thing, you did. Sleep easy, dear one, you are loved.

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  74. As I read your history I am crying, I can feel how much you you love him, how important, how beloved he was for you as you were for him, how beautiful and precious your history together was, and how much devastating pain it must been is overwhelming, death is always horrible, bitter for beloved ones, and so unfair appears Lana, I was reading from the beginning and thinking this can't turn bad for such wonderful beings, they have so much worth and meaning things to give... is not fair. I am sorry if this message may not come out comforting, for I am really touched and I really wish the best for you, you are a beautiful and kind loved person.

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  75. Lana, it is never wrong to give someone hope. Henry knew he was dying. He did not need to ask you but he did because he was looking for hope. You were a wonderful, supportive, and loving wife. You were put through hell and you stayed right by Henry's side, no matter what. You stayed strong and you gave him the best you possibly could his last days. I am flabbergasted that someone wrote you a nasty letter while you were going through all of this. Your attitude towards it is inspiring and karma has a way of giving people what they deserve. You do not need to pay any mind to it. Just know that you are loved and greatly missed. You take your time and when you are ready, you will find us all waiting for you with open arms.

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  76. I am so very proud of you. You are amazing. I may not be able to tell you why your dear Henry thought you were, nor would I ever try. However, I can tell you that you are amazing to this stranger that has read your blogs, crying with real tears for this amazing lady that makes me forget my struggles, makes me forget that even though I dont know where our next meal is coming from, it could be worse, makes me forget that even though I wonder if my lights shall be on Monday morning, it could be worse, this amazing lady that I have never met, makes me think that maybe, just maybe being single and not having someone love me right now, is easier then loving and loosing that love. Thank you amazing, pretty lady. Wendy

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  77. Dear Lana, I have missed you so much and please know you are in many thoughts and prayers. When I was taking care of my dying mother, she had gotten so she couldn't walk, she went down quickly and she asked me one day, "Why is this happening to me, what happened, did I fall, what happened?" I didn't have a good answer or the right answer that would have set her mind at ease and made her feel better. I just said you'll be better tomorrow, but she new better. It's been 3 years now, and I still wish I had given her a better answer, but I just didn't know what to say... Anyway, when put in a situation like yours we do the best we can to make the person feel and peaceful and possible. He new in his heart what was happening....and maybe he just needed his love to tell him, of course not...you'll be fine. I look forward to the day I see my Mom and Dad again....and I feel them with me always...Much love...Diane

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  78. Every once in a while I came to the blog to read your new posts. I miss you so much and I happy to hear from you.
    You are strong, God made you like that and he would never give you a burden you can't carry.
    And I also think you are amazing.

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  79. Lana, YOU are truly amazing!!! People have NO idea what it is like until they have walked in someone Else's shoes! God Bless you!

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  80. Wow Lana, I just read this again. (You see I miss your posts/videos so much I read the old ones again, for my lana fix, lol) Anyway, you are such an amazing person, I hope you continue to have a great, fulfilling life! Yes, life is short; live it up, you deserve it!

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  81. I'm just catching up on your blog. I miss your beautiful face on YT but, I know that what you have been going through is heart breaking. Please know that you are in my thoughts & prayers.

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  82. We all lie to ourselves everyday. We live in denial of the reality that one day we will be transformed. When he asked that question you told him the truth that he would be able to handle. If he really wanted to know he would have asked you a long time prior when he decided you would be the nurse and the internet your diagnostic tool.

    In reality, we live in each moment. The past and the future are but extensions of the now. So there is no birth, no death. There is just transformations, new manifestations. We are all forever transforming and no one can tell us what "will" happen for sure. So, if this resonates with you, release "the past" and live transformed in the present. He did. And you shall too be transformed. How that transformation looks no one knows for sure. We have just the present moment manifestation.

    Wishing you comfort.
    I am here for you.

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  83. Thinking of you this holiday season Lana and wishing you peace and much happiness.
    Mary (mjd716)

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  84. I love that outfit!!
    Much love,
    Wengie
    http://www.wengie.com

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