Tuesday, July 31, 2012

How to be a Widow


*sigh*

Who would ever want to purposely write about this crap?
Certainly not me.
I am no expert.
I know how to be a wife.
I know how to be a mom.
I know how to be a woman.
I know how to be a friend.
I know how to be a CASA
I know how to be a Flight Attendant.

I am clueless how to be a widow.

When Henry was first diagnosed, I searched the internet like a freak looking for miracles. Plenty of stories of men with this horrible disease but never an ending. Never a wonderful outcome. Henry's cancer was a rare one. I just wanted an ending. Anything that would be good.
Posts were out there written by wives or loved ones going thru this same thing but the postings would just suddenly stop....

Nothing

My heart somehow seemed to guess the outcome but my brain refused to accept defeat.

The day after Henry died, a friend of the family stopped by with trays and platters of food. Friends had all pitched in to provide food for the people that would be stopping by.

Thick slices of slow cooked tenderloin. Thin slices of fresh salmon with lemon and capers.
Desserts. Meat and cold cut trays. Buns, breads
Fruits, vegetable trays, cheeses, crackers and endless lists of food to feed the masses of people that were to stop by in the days to come.

While everyone else feasted on these foods,
my friend discreetly pulled me aside and gave me some advice.....

"Lana, people are going to be watching you. Judging you. No matter what you say or do, it will be scrutinized and picked apart. What you wear and how your makeup looks each day for the next who knows how long will all be judged. Not because of any other reason than that you are now a widow and people will talk. Be careful."

What?
Holy Crap!
That all sounded horrific.

It also sounded sadly true.

Other friends offered advice of their own. These are actual texts from friends offering their best advice. I think I used each one. Those days were all a giant blur.

Wear low heeled shoes. Don't eat a heavy meal before the showing.
Don't eat fiber or you will have to use the bathroom too often. Don't drink water or you will be running to pee every 5 minutes. Bring mints. Chew gum. Bring lipstick.
Sit whenever possible.
Ask how did you know my husband to people you do not recognize.
Hug those you love. Shake the hands of those who you don't know. Excuse yourself and go to the ladies room any time you need to. Bring Wet-Wipes for your hands. Keep your chin up. Wear waterproof mascara. (L'Oreal Voluminous is amazing! I cried the equivalent of a river but my mascara stood up)

The day of the showing came. I had two black dresses I thought would be appropriate. One a Michael Kors for the showing and the other Alice & Olivia with long black gloves for the burial and funeral mass.
No low cut cleavage showing. No mini lengths. Nothing tight or too sexy. Nothing revealing. No flashy jewelry. No heavy cakey makeup.
I wore my hair straight and not too fancy. Just subtle and sad.
That was me.
Subtle and sad.

I arrived at the funeral parlor with it's old elaborate furnishings, velvet walls and spindely chairs 3 hours before the doors would open. I asked the funeral director to please lock the doors until the family was ready to receive. Ugh. Receive?
My son and daughter-in-law on each side of me, bracing me up. Giving me strength to see him again for the long day and evening to come.
I slowly approached the coffin where my husband was lying in state.
I couldn't wait to see him. He died on a Thursday and it was now Tuesday. I hadn't seen his face since he had died. I made the funeral home wait five hours to take his body from my house.
I didn't want to ever let him go....

I missed him so much. I was excited but scared shitless too.
One on each arm I was shaking. It seemed like a mile to walk the few steps to see him.

He seemed so at peace and looked so handsome. I had brought his wedding ring. His hands had become so swollen those last weeks that he had to remove it. I found it in his bureau in an envelope with the date he had removed it along with these words..... 5/27/2012 "From My Girl. * * * * * "
Those numbers. Those words.
Those words had reduced me to tears and sent me straight to bed for an entire day.
I slipped the ring back where I had placed it so many years ago at our wedding. It looked so right on his finger again. A band of gold with 5 diamonds.



Each diamond a word.
* * * * *
I Love You Very Much.
I* Love* You * Very *Much*
We signed every note we ever left each other with 5 dots.
* * * * *
I Love You Very Much

I bent to kiss his face and whisper how much I love him.
My tears fell like tiny drops of dew onto his face.
Dried up tears.
So many.
I knew he would carry them to eternity and it gave me some dreary kind of comfort. A part of me would forever be with him and since my heart was already there, it seemed right.

I was asked where I wanted to stand.
Near my husband so I could look at his beautiful face and gather strength to get thru this
The family was in place. The doors unlocked.
The people came in droves.
So many people.
So many beautiful stories of the kindness and good deeds or humorous things my husband did to touch so many lives. Each one a treasure. I keep them all in my heart and remember them even now.
The hardest ones to bear were from the young men that worked for him. Some were still working there but many had grown and gone on to bigger and better jobs. Each one came to me with tears and a hug to tell me what my husband did to change their lives for the better. Or a funny story to tell.
To see these grown men crying and missing him so much was very heart-warming yet difficult at the same time.
Hour upon hour the people came.
I knew my husband was wonderful but had no idea so many others did as well.
For nine straight hours they came and line went on and on....



My family and dear friends didn't leave me alone. I finally caught on.
I asked, "Are you all afraid I am a danger to myself or others. Is that why you stay?"
No, they replied, we are just concerned for you to be alone.

Henry had become so much of my life in the last year since his diagnosis that my life was his. I gave up being a CASA, working, YouTube, blogging, shopping, lunches with girlfriends, friends etc. that now that he was gone, I was at a complete loss. No more feeding thru that damn feeding tube every 2 hours. No more helping him shower, no more bandages. No more being caretaker. I would have done it all again for a thousand years if he could have just stayed....

The funeral and burial was to be tomorrow. More of the same.
Sadness and tears.

114 comments:

  1. I am just choked up on my own tears reading this - I just can't imagine - but then I know someday I might have to - if God doesn't take me first. I love your sentiments with the 5 dots to one another. Brad and I sign each card "I love your forever and always...and beyond." My heart is hugging yours.

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  2. SO sorry lana i know nothing anyone can say can help the pain go away but in time hopefully you will be able to cherish those good moments and hold on to a part of him forever <3

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  3. I don't know what to write, how to express this heavy feeling that came over me.
    I feel so drained.
    I was sincerely hoping for a miracle Lana.
    Just know that I read every single word, I cried every single sentence and I will never understand why this had happened to such good people.
    xx

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  4. glad to see your writings! , I know how hard it is and sad!
    Hugs
    Julie

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  5. I think so many of us will heal our hearts with you Lana. The words you write....... each and every word I "feel". Most important though is, that it helps YOUR heart to write. I feel so blessed to know you Lana...that in some very, very small way to have held your hand through your journey with Henry. Life is now about firsts..... Love you my dear sweet friend. Natalie

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  6. Your story reminded me so much of mine. I remember looking at him at the viewing and thinking....he's not in there anymore. I felt so connected to him at that moment. I felt his soul and essence in me and it helped. I went home and took down all his pictures because it hurt too much and I was already so sad. The day will come when you will wake up and sadness will not be the first emotion you feel. Now, 14 years later I smile...and get teary eyed on occasion. Go at your own pace dear Lana and know that it's ok to smile and let life make you happy. You loved him..and he knew it. That's all that really matters in the end. ~gina

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  7. Precious Lana, my thoughts have been with you daily. I hope you are still surrounded by your loved ones. There are no words to help you, just lots of people who love you! xxxooo

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    1. You... Dear You.
      Every single day.
      Each. Horrible. Precious. Day you have been here. Your sweet tweets daily a lifeline for the day. Normalcy.
      And still they come each day. Some days I feel guilty to be here and alive and my darling husband dead and gone. You give me hope.
      Such love and devotion from a stranger.
      I love you and yet don't know you.
      God Bless You.
      I'm glad you are mine. xoxox

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  8. Dear Lana:

    I have followed your videos and blogs for some time now and always look forward to hearing from you. I don't chit chat with you much but you always respond to comments so kindly and it makes me smile.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that your love had to leave. I know he's watching over you always and he would have stayed if he could have. He's waiting for you in a beautiful place where he no longer feels pain, no longer is sick, and is still wearing that ring. <3

    Hugs Lana. Hang in there.

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  9. I'm glad you are writing about it.

    Dreadfully sorry it's yours to even write of, tickled you tossed in a mascara review. (◠‿◠)


    ~♥~

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    1. Ramona Quimby Lives.... I haven't a clue who you are or what you are about, all I know is that you are more precious to me than you could ever know. Every day, such love and affection. Just a simple heart shape or a word from you is all I need somedays to get myself out of my bed put on lipstick, comb my hair and move forward.
      I had to Google who Ramona Quimby was and when I found out it was a character in a book I read as a kid, I was even more thrilled.
      Just like an old friend come to visit each day.
      I love You Ramona Quimby. Never change.

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    2. I love you back. (◠‿◠)

      Beverly Cleary is my favourite author. I still read her, even though I am too old for the series. I love Ramona, and have for most of my life. I encourage you to get her books for your Grandbabies, particularly since you enjoyed some of them yourself! She wrote the Henry (I do so apologize, if it hurts to even see that name) series specifically for boys, because during the time she worked in a library, she would have little boys asking her where the books for *them* were, and there weren't any.

      I can't have a real online identity. I am avoiding my biological father, who periodically looks for, and finds, me. Last time, he tried to find out if I had children, which is my worst nightmare, and I will not let happen (God willing).

      So, I've used RamonaQ, et al, for all my online stuff for many moons.

      I don't (usually) say much, for fear of saying something unintentionally hurtful.

      ~♥~

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  10. I want to help you with all of my heart. I wish I could. You will see Henry again, of that I am sure. But, until then, I will pray for your comfort and peace and laughter in your future. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending my love, Jeanie

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  11. Lana thank you once again for sharing your story. When you tweeted that Henry had passed I actually began to cry. I felt like someone that I had known had passed away. I thought about you all day and even though we have never met wanted to give you a huge hug and tell you everything would be alright. Hugs, thoughts, prayers, and love I am sending you. Xoxoxo

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  12. Father hold Lana's heart in your hand, strengthen and provide peace and comfort through her journey.

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  13. Lana, It is so good to see some writings from you but sad that it has to be about the loss of your dear Henry. I feel every feeling behind every word you write. I am so deeply sorry that you lost your husband, your best friend. I can only hope that writing the words down is therapeutic for you. I am always here for you if you ever need to talk. Wish I lived closer so I could do more. I love you my dear friend! Big Hugs... Vickie

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  14. Dear Lana: thank you for posting this, I think others who have gone through things like this will appreciate that this post is out there to see and so they know they are not alone in how they feel. I think by sharing your story it shows how strong you are as a woman, and I wish I could give you a big hug!
    I don't know if you are Christian, but the way I see the world, everyone gets to go to heaven, and everything there is perfect and I just know your husband is looking down at you and finding all kinds of ways to look after you from there :)
    xoxoxoxox

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  15. I felt every pain you felt through your words. My heart sank and I cried because I know one day I will feel this same pain as you. No words can be spoken, nothing anyone will say will make your heart whole again. I'm so sorry you lost you lost your better half. God bless you, be strong.

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  16. Lana you are such a special, dear person...I so wish I could be one of those many friends who came to give you hugs and help hold you up. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with us. I am not going through a similar experience or anything like that, I simply love knowing and loving you, all by way of reading your honestly written words. It makes me feel like a better person to care so much for you and what you're going through and it makes me feel like there are a BUNCH of great people out there loving and supporting you in the same way. You are sunshine Lana, EVEN in this sad, sad time. And I hope you can rest assured with the knowledge that you gave your wonderful husband the biggest and best gift you could've, the thing that all humans want and need, true love.
    God bless you Miss. Lana

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  17. Oh Lana, I am so sorry!! We all miss you so much. Thank you for sharing with all of us. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Sending prayers and much love to you and your family....
    You are one of kind and we all love you :)

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  18. Lana this brings me literally to tears. My heart is so sad for your loss but so happy for Henry that he isn't suffering anymore. That dreadful disease, I "beat" it for now, two years ago but live in fear it will return. Lana, be strong, know he is at eternal peace and always by your side holding your hand. When you said he took off his ring and what he wrote, I lost it :(
    You're a beautiful person and I thank you for sharing your feeling with us.
    Love to you,
    Michele

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  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  20. Oh Lana! It's Jen (blacklablover9) I have been so out of the loop of youtube and the like, I wasn't even aware that Henry passed away! I am SO SORRY for your incredible loss. I hope that time mends your heart and the memories you shared get you through this tough time. He will always be with you, in your heart. Much love to you always.

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  21. Lana, I know you know this, but you performed the most important act of love anyone will ever be expected to perform. Helping a loved one transition thru their final days on this earth. We all can only hope we will have someone as loving as you to help us thru it when our time comes. Well done Lana, well done. I applaud you. I'm a new viewer of your YT videos, and think I have seen them all now. I hope you will be back with more eventually, but if not, it's been a pleasure knowing you through this medium. Your blogs are amazing too. You have a natural talent for expressing yourself in words. Hope to read you in print someday. Blessings, Laurie

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  22. Lana ..... You are strong but know it is okay to be weak ..You lost your Best Friend ...Remember I told you he is looking after "my Girl" from heaven now . I know you miss him. Please know I am here for you in any way possible . I love you dearly .Susie ~

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  23. I've lost so many close loved ones, and unfortunately I can tell you that I've come to hate the expression "it gets better with time." Thinking of those family members I've lost can still bring me to tears years later, and the smallest things can remind me of them but I cherish those moments because it keeps them alive in my heart.

    As for everyone watching you - let them watch and let them judge, but don't let it change you! From watching your videos and reading your blog, I get the feeling your husband loved you more than anything and loved the fact that you are a strong, beautiful woman. So put on those highest of heels and get that hair curled and makeup on because firstly you deserve it, but also because that's why you're so loved - you're you.

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  24. Lana-I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sending you hugs and prayers. Take special care and know that your husband made his mark on the hearts of many in this world--and so have you. God bless you! (((HUGS)))

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  25. hi Lana, again, iam so sorry for your loss, i really am..but he is in our Lords hands now and he is smiling down on you ..now i ve read very carefully how ur friends told you, you should react, what to do, or what not to do...just ignore EVERYONE darling, just listen to your heart...he was YOUR man, and it is your right to grieve him in your own way...just think what he would make him happy...when my mon passed away a year ago-at 57 from a rare form of leukemia-i mourn her in my own way..she was my mon and NO ONE has the right to tell me what to do and not to do.i loved her more than anyone else, i was next to her all the way, and yes, i mourn her and act as i wanted...i didnt wear black for a long time, my mom hated black..and i did what i thought she would make her happy..just keep her in my heart and try to smile again..have faith darling..

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  26. My Dear Sweet Lana, words seem so inadequate about now but please know I love you in Christ & an continually sending lots of hugs and prayers for healing. I wish there was something I could do...some way I could make this all better for you. My arms are always open for you luv. Xoxoxo Cindy

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  27. I have said it before Lana, YOU are the strongest woman I know! My heart breaks for you right now. I know that your entire heart is filled with memories that will last forever. I am glad you took the time this past year to be with Henry in every way that you could. Take it one day at a time right now. Mourn and grieve as you need. You have an army of us standing beside you. Big Hugs and My Deepest Sympathies, Stacie xoxo

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  28. Dearest Lana ~ Thank you for sharing this with us, especially the five dots... so touching. Sending you much love,
    mary sue

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  29. My friends always tell me what a great writer I am and how I have a gift with words, but I have no words right now. I don't know what to say, because it all sounds trite. Just know that even though we have never met, I love you as part of my family, and will continue to send good thoughts and prayers to you. I am sorry you have to feel this pain, but at least it is proof that Henry was part of your life and that you both loved each other. That's all. vividsmile1

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  30. Lana:

    We're here for you. Sending you hugs. Wish I had the words to express how much we care. You have become family to us and I hope the words you read from us give you comfort.

    Love
    MrsSuze51

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  31. OMG My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for your loss and it just brings me to tears that you are just still a strong and beautiful woman even when the world is crumbling. I'm glad you wrote this. Stay strong and stay yourself! Easier said than done right?

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  32. As you have said to me and many others...simply put, you are loved.

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  33. Lana,
    I know that your pain is so great right now and the loss is so devastating. There is absolutely nothing I can say that would be of any help. I wish that I could come through the screen and give you a giant hug. I am truly sorry that you have to embark on this journey of grief. Thank you for sharing these precious memories with us.

    Much Love,
    Kim

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  34. Oh dear precious Lana. My heart just breaks as I read your words. I'm so very sorry that you have lost your beloved Henry. I know it isn't much comfort here on earth, right now--But you will see him again when it is time for you to go home as well. Lana, I wish I could give you a big hug. PLEASE, take care of you, Lana. With much love and prayers for peace,~Marilyn (Moonchime)

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  35. If there could be one thing sadder than Henry's passing, it would be if he had never found you! Your love story is eternal and you have done his memory proud! You were both so lucky to have found each other. Some people live a lifetime and never have such a magical love as yours. You're writings and video's will no doubt be a lifeline to many others as they go through similar situations. You are such a lovely person and I thank you for being brave enough to keep us in the loop.
    - a loyal fan-

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  36. I have followed you for a long time and loved reading your stories and watching your videos. I also followed when Henry got sick and the tender love and care you provided him was a true testamount of your love. Becoming a widow is such a heartbreak and I am so very sorry you are going through this.

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  37. So good to hear from you; yet so very sad. Every day I think of you and all through the day wondering how you are doing and how you are holding up. No words can help. I am so very sorry.

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  38. i keep going to your yt page in hopes to see your smile or hear something and each time NOTHING then i remembered your blog and i read the sad news today 8/2/12.... i pray that you get strong and enjoy laughter and dressing up again you are classy and we need you stay strong and get back to what you enjoy you have a new purpose love you BB :) alabama

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  39. Lana, it's very admirable that you are able to write about these things. Please stay strong and I hope you continue to write us more often. Hopefully, about happier times. It's great that you are able to pull something positive out of this. How peaceful your husband looks, the heart warming and funny stories everyone is able to tell about him. You must surely remember that he will never be forgotten!

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  40. You have gone through so much Lana. The last thing you need is to walk on egg shells with what you should wear or look like or not look like because of people judging. Who cares what they think. You should be the same you that you have always been. They did not go through this hell you did. Who are they to judge what is right.
    I'm so glad you had family and friends to help you get through this. I wonder sometimes how I would handle losing my husband. I don't want to even think of the pain I would feel and how lost. Know that Henry is watching over you. God Bless you Lana.
    (((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Let God be your guide and comfort you like no one else can.

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  41. Lana, I don't know you personally....I only know of your beautiful face from youtube and your writings from your blog. So many of us love you without ever having met you. How can that be? It must be because you are such a genuine person. I won't say I understand the depths of your sorrow. I will only say my heart goes out to you. The strength it will take to build a new life is something we cannot fathom. As with anything in life, your faith is what will see your through. Much love is sent your way. ~Laura

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  42. Dear God,
    For those who mourn, comfort them. When the pain and loneliness is overwhelming, support them. When they can not see the future and have no hope, guide them.
    Through Christ we pray.

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  43. Rest in peace Henry xxx
    Love & Hugs to you hun <3

    keep strong !

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  44. He was the luckiest man to have you beside him.
    You are wonderful and he knew it! Cherish your memories and the pain will soothen... He will always be with you!
    From Rhodes, Greece with love
    Zoe

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  45. Thank you for sharing with us. We all care about you.
    Abase

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  46. Dear Lana....since being with you step by step from reading your blogs and watching your videos I have been so deeply saddened by your loss. It has made me appreciate my relationship with my husband even more. I can't ever imagine being without my soulmate so my heart bleeds for you.
    Never before has a stranger had such a profound affect on me. Take all the time you need Lana and remember we are all here when you need us.
    Stay sweet and beautiful always....Linda

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  47. My heart breaks for you. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

    I can somewhat see where your friend was coming from with her "people will be watching you" advice and I'm sure she meant well, but do yourself a favor and don't pay it any mind. You do what you want to do and screw the people who are paying too much attention. Your husband is gone. Isn't that enough of a life change? Why should you stop being the person you are and wearing the clothes and such that make you feel comfortable and normal, just because 'people are watching'?

    I am sorry you are having to endure this sadness. Sometimes, life really just isn't fair.

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  48. I'm so sorry for your Lanna Let god be with you and your family<3 you are in my prayers

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  49. Lana, you have touched many people's hearts by sharing your heartbreaking journey with us.

    One day, you will return to us I'm sure, but until then be sure you are in our hearts. Lou xxx

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  50. Please know you are loved <3 xoxo

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    1. Sorry, my name isn't showing for some reason...it's moya ;)

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  51. I hope write is helping you to heal. {{ hugs }}

    Monica.

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  52. Take your Grandbabies on a picnic to a park with swings & things.

    ~♥~

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  53. Oh, dear sweet precious Lana, I just want to give you a huge hug. You are in my thoughts and prayers continuously. Last night I awoke and couldn't go back to sleep--so I prayed and prayed for you. I wondered if you too were awake and unable to sleep. I love you, Lana. Big hugs,~Marilyn

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  54. A Letter From Heaven

    To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,
    But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.
    I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above,
    Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love.

    Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight,
    Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.
    That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,
    God picked me up and hugged me, and said, " I welcome you".

    "It's good to have you back again.
    You were missed while you were gone.
    As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
    I need you here so badly as part of my big plan.
    There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man".

    Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do.
    And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.
    I will be beside you, every day of the week and year,
    And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear.

    And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,
    God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
    When you think of my life on Earth, and all those loving years,
    Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears.

    One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over,
    I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
    And to my many friends, trust God knows what is best.
    I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.

    There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb,
    Together we can do it, taking one day at a time.
    It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you,
    To give unto the world, so the world will give to you.

    If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain,
    Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
    And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
    Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

    When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind,
    I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.
    And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face,
    That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a soft embrace.

    When it's time for you to go from that body to be free,
    Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me.
    I will always love you, from that place way up above,
    I will be in touch again soon.
    P.S. God sends his love.

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  55. Lana,

    I'm so glad to see you are writing again.....Thank you for teaching me: how to walk in high heels, how to pick perfect Christmas gifts, how to mix high and low end clothes to look great, how to use a shadow shaper, how to age gracefully, how to be gracious, and now how to be a widow.....

    You're right, there's no book.....

    God Bless You,
    Mina

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  56. Lana: I was shocked to learn of the passing of your beloved Henry. I am truly sorry for your loss. I loved your youtube videos and knew from watching how much you loved your hubby. My heart broke reading your "how to be a widow" and how strong you are to be able to share this with everyone. God Bless you and your family. Lorraine

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  57. Lana, I so badly wish I could be there for you to help you through this pain. I have said before and often thought that you remind me so much of my own mother, it breaks my heart that you've lost your one and only. I hope and pray that you have what you need to keep your soul alive as you go through this next phase in your life. I know you will not forget to take joy in the beauty around you and the blessings you still have in your life. I am so happy for you that you experienced such love an joy from another in this lifetime.

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  58. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing woman. I pray to God for the strength that will help you heal and live again.

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  59. Dearest Lana,

    What you are going through is so very very hard. Each loss we have touches us so differently then the other did. You've lost your Mother, Mother-In-Law and now your dear Husband. You are strong, I can feel it in your words. It gets better, as I know you know. I lost my father 11 years ago to a car accident and my mother 3 years ago to cancer. Each was different for me and I always keep the thoughts of them close to me heart. Know that he is no longer suffering. My father died instantly from his accident and even though this may sound cruel, I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer, he wouldn't have wanted that, so, it is best he went quickly. My mother was not so fortunate, but I try to remember her and as person she was, not how she was in the end. Hold dear to your heart that even though you feel so alone without him, he is with you and so are your many friends and family. I think of you often and pray you find peace and comfort and the many words we type to you. It is all we have to offer you. I wish it could be more...

    Diane

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  60. Oh Lana. I'm so very sorry. I just realized a couple of weeks ago that I hadn't seen any videos from you. I didn't want to come here and see what I knew in my heart. There are no words. Just I'm very, very sorry. Thank you for sharing your love of Henry with us. It is beautiful. Sending love to you and your family.

    Kim

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  61. 1. Take a trip to StuffMart.
    2. Buy every crayon, marker, paint, chalk, paper, etc., that interests
    you.
    3. Spend a day colouring and crafting with your Grandbabies.
    4. Make a habit of it.


    ~♥~

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  62. Dearest Lana

    Just...be you...

    Diana xx

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  63. Lovely to hear from you, take care,


    Janet

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  64. Lovely to hear from you, take care,


    Janet

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  65. Dear Lana,

    Your writing is therapeutic for those who have lost loved ones and those who know that time is coming soon. Even in your deep grief, you are reaching out and helping others. I will remember how you steeled yourself with dignity and accepted the condolences of others who loved your Henry.

    I am so glad to see you blogging again. I will be saying a prayer for you.

    Linda B.

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  66. Dear Lana,

    Your writing is therapeutic for those who have lost loved ones and those who know that time is coming soon. Even in your deep grief, you are reaching out and helping others. I will remember how you steeled yourself with dignity and accepted the condolences of others who loved your Henry.

    I am so glad to see you blogging again. I will be saying a prayer for you.

    Linda B.

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  67. Lana,

    Please keep writing, it can be so therapeutic. And we love hearing from you. <3

    Love and prayers,

    Victoria
    Toriology

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  68. Was wondering how you were , So I stopped by to check on you and I have to say , this post brought me to tears . Your courage and strength is an inspiration , and your never ending love and devotion is a gift that your husband's soul will always hold. Take care , beautiful Lana , we all love you .

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  69. Oh, Lana, I am thousand of miles away, but I pray for you and give you a warm and big hug.

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  70. (serious about the colouring w/ the bunchkins - it's good stuff)



    ~♥~

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  71. Lana my darling, I sincerely hope this doesn't sound ridiculous or trite. I just want you to know that your incredible heart has touched so many. I cry when you cry, I laugh when you laugh, and I am hopeful, when you feel hope (yes, that day will come again). Until it does, please know you are loved and cherished. xo~Trish

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  72. Lana, Love is forever isn't it? You are a gem... thinking of you in Virginia today.

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  73. My Dearest Lana b, It's me, your old friend Alicia "Sweetsmile1" i have returned from the abyss of my second brain surgery to find that your dear sweet husband has passed away. Oh, how i know you loved that man with a zest that i hope to one day love my future husband with. You are such an inspiration to me and to so many others. i don't want you to let your light die, or get dim, but it's ok to let it flicker...but never let it burn out. i know you are sad, so very sad. i know you feel like a part of you died with him, and honestly it really does feel like it, i know, trust me. Please borrow my light for a little while if you need to. You are so precious and i think the world of you my darling.

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  74. To live in hearts we leave behind
    Is not to die.
    ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

    Lana, Henry will be with you always. Look for him; a song, a phrase he always said, a color, a fragrance...those things will bring comfort and let you know he will be there watching over you. This is what I believe and I pray you will have peace in your heart. It's not easy ever and I wish you much love and solace.

    -Farrah Mayleigh

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  75. And today I read what you have wrote...for a week I have been back and forth to read your story but the first day I came I could not bring myself to feel your pain. After just sending you a message about five minutes ago I knew it was time to read what you have said. Through tears and sobs I know you are a remarkable lady from seeing you on youtube, in writing your store you are giving light to women who's hearts are broken after losing a loved one. The raw truth is heart braking and nothing sort of a beautiful love story, you was born to do multiple things with your life and writing is definitely one of them. I would have cried reading this if I had never known you Lana, knowing you makes it all the more heartbreaking. You are an inspiration to me and every one you touch are talk to, You will forever be my youtube friend and sister in my heart ~♥~ Thank you for the strength you have given me ... Much love and Hugs Margaret x x x x ~♥~

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  76. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  77. Lana, I am in tears right now, so sad for your loss. I am a subscriber to your YT videos and yesterday, out of the blue, thought of you and how you hadn't posted your cheerful videos in a while. Then I remembered that your husband was ill and had a bad feeling... My heart goes out to you. xoxo

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  78. Lana, I am in tears reading through this. I know how it feels to lose a loved one and although I have moved on in life since the death of my mother whom I nursed to the end, reading your commentary brought it all back and made me aware that I miss her more than I realised. I cried tears on her face too and although she had cancer which we knew would take her, nothing prepared me for that moment when her soul left her body. How my heart aches for you Lana and your loss. I pray for you daily and am blessed to have the privilege of knowing you. xxxooo

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  79. Dearest sweet Lana,

    Not a day goes by that you and your dear hubby were not thought of and prayed for. Nothing can prepare you for losing such a love no matter how much time you know that you have. My best friend in the world passed away so I hadn't felt up to logging into youtube and when I returned you were gone. Praying you were only taking a break...when the time increased dreaded that Henry had become even more sick.

    I hope you believe as I do that our loved ones are with us. I remind myself that I needn't pick up a phone as they are there and all we need to do is talk....they hear us. Such a great love doesn't die. Energy is eternal. You and your Henry shared the kind of love that so few others ever do. You were his Princess Lana and always will be.

    Please take care of yourself. Don't feel pressured by anyone to do anything you don't feel up to. Do not feel you need to worry what anyone else thinks sweetie. The people who love you would never judge anything you would do say or wear...ever. We on the internet only see a small part and love you immensely. Can only imagine how much you are loved by those who are blessed to be with you in person. Please do what makes you happy..YOU are the one who is important right now. Not others! I wish I could give you the biggest hug sweet girl. You are special! Never forget that! I love you truly. (dawnten) PS> My son sent me a new phone after things happened here...so my number changed. Its local (IN #)...but I am not yet. Will send it to your youtube acct. Biggest hugs xoxo

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  80. Lana, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Henry. I hadn't checked your blog for quite some time now. I had a feeling that things had gone for the worse since you weren't blogging. I've always kept you both in my prayers. Henry must've been a very special man. He touched so many peoples lives. That must be a tremendous comfort to you. I've never been married so I don't know what it's like to lose a husband. I know what it like to lose parents and family. I've taken care of my Mother till she passed away in 1987. It's something I'll never forget. She had breast cancer so I know the pain cancer patients go through. Henry had a very rough time of it. I was always told that if you had a hard time in this life that your life in Heaven would be easy and blessed. I know Henry is with God and is having a wonderful time in Heaven. I believe we'll all be together one day That's my Catholic faith and I believe strongly in Heaven. God bless you and be strong. It's horrible how your judged even at the worse time of your life. I guess we're just all human and there's good and bad in us all. I'll still pray for you Lana. Keep strong and lean on your family. Love to you.

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  81. Oh no! What that friend said - no, no. If anyone is looking at your makeup, clothing, jewelry and judging you....they shouldn't be in your life. They are not friends.

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  82. I don't know what people expect from widows/widowers. It seems like a lot of pressure to blend in and not have people judge or talk about you behind your back. Everyone has opinions of what you should and shouldn't be doing, when you're a grown woman. You share your life with someone you deeply love, care for, and watch slip away, then they're gone. What can you do but try to heal, and take those baby steps people always talk about.

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  83. Lana, you are the bravest woman. I look up to you, you are amazing.
    Please take care, we are all here for you.

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  84. Dear Lana,

    As I sat here and read these words, tears fell from my eyes.
    Your words made me realise how my mother feels today after losing her husband, my dad.

    I wish you a lot of strength, because you will need it
    A lot of courage to smile and live, because you will need that too.


    I'm very sure that : He Loves You Very Much :)

    Angele

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  85. Lana, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Each & every word your wrote eminates the love you have for Henry. Even though I am so sorry for you to be seperated from your love, I'm so glad that you were able to have such a beautiful love story. Please remember that this isn't the end of your story with Henry. He's there with you & someday you'll see him again.

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  86. I couldn't help but to cry reading your blog post..
    You're a strong woman Lana.
    It must be so hard for your right now but I know that you can move forward. Your husband is watching you from heaven. He is probably much more peaceful and in a much comfortable state.. without pain. He would want you to be strong and happy. Always remember that you are loved and you are important to many people. Be brave, be positive and be happy.

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  87. I couldn't hold my tears reading this. We all know how difficult time you've been through. Look at how many people are crying with you? Pls do not forget that you are not alone and all of your fans are there with you. Especially your hubby is always right next you ,watching you holding you but you just can't see him... You can cry till you tears are dry out. But we believe that one day you will show us your beautiful smile on the YouTube again. We dont care how long it will take We will be waiting.
    tons of love from Japan XOXO

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  88. I am so sorry for your loss. I dont know you, i'll never meet you, i will never share a real conversation with you but I want to tell you that you are a beautiful person. You are so strong for writing this. I've never cried so hard in my life but every line of yours was so heartfelt. I am so moved by your courage and love for your husband. He must be looking down on you right now with pride.
    I'm happy your husband is at peace.

    much love from England xxxx

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  89. Sending love from the uk- you are such an inspirational lady xxxxx

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  90. I am so sorry for your loss Lana! Sending lots of love from Toronto, Canada. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I pray that you will find strength through this very difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. xoxo

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  91. People often search for the 'right' words too share when you have lost a loved one. Really, do those words exist? When my mother died, a part of my farther died with her. It was painful to witness his grief...he loved her so. I am going to tell you what I told my Dad, you have to live each day and move forward for yourself, your children and grandchildren. Henry is gone but he is forever a part of you and a part of us. Thank you for sharing him with us and we thank him for sharing you. You are a strong and beautiful soul....when you are ready, we will be here for you. May his memory be eternal. XOXO

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  92. Ps ...Rock those heels, the makeup and clothes....I am sure that's what Henry would want you to do.

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  93. Where are you?? WE ALL miss YOU!! You are funny!! And smart!! Love your stories. Good ones.. Sad ones. All of them. And your make up tips and tricks. And clothes modeling ideas etc. All of it!! Come back. Please. We need you. Us older girls especially.We have no one to look to. I'm a widow also. Come back. Karen Johnson

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  94. I just found you on youtube, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing well. Be Blessed.

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  95. lana i have been off of youtube for a while now and just not decided to check in and your page was the first i stopped at. i am soooo sorry for your loss. i lost my grandfather a year and half ago to lung cancer. he was diagnosed 6 months before he passed, and it was a long 6 months. cancer is a nasty disease and never seems to end well. ill never forget the day my mother called me and told me that the doctors at the hospice house said that most likely the only reason that he was hanging on was because he knew that i was coming down to visit in 1 week. immediately i drove down to north carolina ( im from new york). got to the hospice house and ran to his side. i was so tired after the drive but was so afraid that i didnt want to sleep. so i just pulled my chair close and held his hand all night. in the morning my father and i went to get breakfast and came back and ate and watched some tv with him. with my mother on one side and me on the other we all fell asleep together holding my grandfathers hand. when we woke up the nurse told us that it was time. and no sooner then 10 minutes later...he was gone. i think that was his way of telling me that it was ok and that he was ready to go now that i had seem him and told him i loved him. i know that you have probably heard it a million times, but if there is anything you need please let me know. my mother opened a custom cookie business in honor of my grandfather. and she donates all of her proceeds to lung cancer families in need and patients. again im so sorry for your loss lana. god bless.
    -Tosha

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  96. Oh Lana, I'm so sorry. I haven't been on YouTube or on blog in months. My heart is broken for you. I had no idea that you lost Henry. I am thinking of you and praying for you. -Shana

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  97. My dear Lana,
    This is the very first time I write on a blog-
    You are such a wonderful person- your husband was very happy that he found you. You made him very happy and he will always remember that....
    Thank you for this story-you are so inspiring to me. There is no book to trace every moment of this horrible nights. Don't fell alone -God loves you, your husband still is looking over you. We are also loves you.
    Thank you for your time in effort for all your videos.
    We truly love hear on YouTube!!

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