Wednesday, July 4, 2012

He Was All I Have

Hello to all of you that have sent all of the amazing notes and to the ones that left me a Tweet or note here  every day, I owe you big-time.
You have no idea how these notes got me thru these last months. I got where I actually looked forward to them. They were a tiny bright spot in an otherwise very dark time.
A thin thread to a different place.


When I was approached to write a book during my husbands treatments, I told the publisher that I wouldn't write about his passing but instead go back. All the way back to my life as a child. 
It was a compromise. 
I totally dropped the ball on my writings the last 4 - 5 months. My hands were full with caring for the love of my life. Who can write when their heart is being crushed. I stopped everything and devoted every second to my husband.
He is gone.
I cry just thinking of him. 
I miss him so much it hurts like a physical pain. 
I seem to hang at the cemetery.
I rake and clean and preen and decorate his gravesite. 
Somehow it gives me comfort. I had to stop telling family and friends that I go there 3 times a day. Now they look at me funny as if I am loco.
Maybe I am.
It's like going to his place. It's all I have.
Someday soon I will write about it all. The 
last months, the beautiful love we had, and his passing.
Right now, I am so raw inside it would come out as rambling jibberish.
Writing clears my thoughts.  It's all I have.
Henry died the way he lived... His way.
If someone can die beautifully, he did.
I held him in my arms. He was all I have...

202 comments:

  1. Oh lana I am so so sorry to hear of your husbands passing, my sincere sympathies go to u and all your family...he will live forever in your hearts xoxox

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  2. oh lana i am truly so very very sorry to hear that ,i don't have the words ,sending you my love xx

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  3. I am so SO sorry for your loss. You didn`t deserve this, Henry didn`t deserve it, nobody does.
    I`m lighting a little candle for you both tonight <3

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  4. Lana, so sorry to hear of your hubby's passsing. My thoughts are with you and your family. Sending you a big hug and my love. xxx

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  5. There will be moments when life is bearable; that is all we hope for, is those moments. Not a day or night goes by that I don't stop and wish you strenght and peace. Love always, debweth

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  6. Oh Lana I'm so sorry about your loss! I can empathize as I lost my mother 3 days ago. :(

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  7. Lana,
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are a brave soul. I hope god blesses you with strength to move forward after this long trying time. You are truly loved by many. Sending you love and support. I hope we see you back on the tube when you are ready. We all miss you so much. Hugs and love, Sheri

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  8. Not loco but a woman who lost her soul mate. Now you must take care of yourself. I know a way of thinking you are not used to. Baby steps and you can do it!

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  9. I'm so so desperately sorry Lana. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to help give you strength and peace.
    Please take care of yourself as best you can. Miss you on Youtube!
    Much love, Laura xxx

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  10. Dear, Sweet Lana

    It pains me to read this as my heart is breaking for you. Your love for Henry and memories.of him will forver be in your heart. I think about you every day and wish so much that my words can somehow help ease your pain. love and hugs... Vickie

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  11. Dear, Sweet Lana

    It pains me to read this as my heart is breaking for you. Your love for Henry and memories.of him will forver be in your heart. I think about you every day and wish so much that my words can somehow help ease your pain. love and hugs... Vickie

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  12. Just wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this. Sending you love and healing xxx

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  13. Precious Lana...
    As I've said to you before - one day you'll plant those two feet on the ground (in some wonderful shoes I might add) and Lana will be back. A new Lana who is living her life with a purpose she never knew existed. I truly believe that every person who comes into our lives is placed there to teach us. Henry taught us - thru you - to be better people. His legacy is every person he touched. Again, my arms are around you as you begin to heal. Love you...patti

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    1. beautifully expressed, Patti ... love to you Lana ... girlprofessional58

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  14. You are an inspiration to many women, Lana. We are all so sad to hear about your beloved husband. How wonderful though, that you at least got to spend good times with your wonderful man. Happy memories to sustain you through the dark times. You are in our hearts. Lou xx

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  15. Don't you dare worry about how you "look" to ANYone. If you need to go visit Henry three times a day, you DO IT. And to the potty with anyone who has a problem with it.

    No one can dictate how you "ought" to grieve. You do whatever it is YOU need to do to get through the day, until you don't need to do it anymore, however long that takes.

    I don't know you from a hole in the ground, but I can't think of you the past week or so without bawling.

    I cannot fathom your loss.

    ~♥~

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  16. Lana:

    It was when I lost my father that I discovered YouTube and you.

    You made me laugh when I thought I would never laugh again. You made me care what I looked like when I went out the door. You made me realize what other people thought shouldn't concern me. You taught me how to laugh at myself and to not take my life so seriously.

    My YouTube channel was to be about my Dad. I want to share him with the world because of the amazing man he was. I haven't posted his videos of him yodeling and dancing due to the fact that it's too early for my Mother.

    His grave also gives us comfort. We seed, fertilize and trim. Yes, people may think we're crazy, but who cares. Right?

    You do what you have to do and when the time is right, you will be back to help others that are going through the same as you. It will bring you and them great comfort.

    When I think of Dad now, I smile and know that he is still with me.

    Love
    MrsSuze51

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    1. I don't think it's crazy. ( ◠‿◠ )

      I lost my GrandDaddy when I was 9. He was the only kind male in my life, and it was a terrible loss.

      I used to like to have picnics in the cemetery, under a giant tree near his grave. Took friends and everything. I marvel a little that their parents allowed them to go! lol

      I'd love to see your Dad yodel (when it's appropriate for you to post)!!! Please tell me your Channel so I can subscribe!

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  17. Just Heart Broken , I am so sorry Lana. I am with all my Heart wishing you Peace. Nancy (CocoPink44)

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  18. There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. --Washington Irving

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  19. Oh no! I am so sorry Lana :o( I completely understand visiting his place. I wish he had been able to beat his cancer and stay with you healthy and whole again.

    Debbie Curry

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  20. I am so sorry for your loss, Lana.

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  21. My heart breaks for you- I am so sorry for Henry's passing. Praying for peace and strength for you and your family during this time of mourning.

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  22. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's passing, Lana. He was so lucky to have you, such a wonderful woman in his life. I'm sure you made his last months the best they could be, and stood by his side. Please hang in there! My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Lots of love, Marcie.

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  24. Dear Lana,

    I am so very sorry.
    Henry was such a mensch and you showed such love and courage helping him through the hardest battle of his life.

    Nothing will ever be the same but life will go on.
    Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    xx

    MQS

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  25. Dear Lana, I was deeply saddened when I learned about Henrys passing. My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow. You are in my thoughts every day, and I hope that the love of those around you help you through the days ahead. I send you a poem that I read several times when my grandfather passed.
    Love Birgit

    He is gone

    You can shed tears that he is gone
    Or you can smile because he has lived

    You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
    Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
    Or you can be full of the love that you shared

    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
    Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

    You can remember him and only that he is gone
    Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

    You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
    Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

    David Harkins

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  26. Dear Lana,
    My heart still breaks for you. I can't imagine losing my husband and how I'd be. I think of you several times a day. Don't worry about what others think of you visiting Henry. Everyone deals with it differently. If it helps you, then you do it. I wish I could just drive to IN and give you that big hug we've talked about for so long.
    Peg~

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  27. I am so sorry for what you are going through. There are no rules for grieving, so if you feel like visiting him 3 x a day then do it. If this is what gives you strength to get through each day then keep on doing it.

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  28. Lana, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this heartbreaking time. May Henry rest in peace.

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  29. Lana, I am so sorry for your loss, we are all here for you!

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  30. Lana.. oh Lana.. i don't know what to say.. i know there's no words that could ease your loss and pain right now but i just pray that the Lord our God will give you all the love and strength that you needed to overcome this.. I Love you and God bless..

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  31. I am so sorry, Lana - I have been wondering about you for the longest and checking in to see if you were blogging or doing videos. I know you will cherish the sweet memories always. You are not loco - I would be doing the same thing - you are grieving your own way and don't let any one tell you anything differently. Hugs~~

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  32. I am so sorry. Just know you are loved. Hugs...

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  33. My heart broke reading this but it is nowhere near hurting like yours is right now. You have such courage Lana...

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  34. Lana I am so sorry that you lost your precious love. When I think of those that I love in heaven I remember two things - they would never come back given the chance and in heaven there is no time so while we are measuring hours,days,months,and years they aren't they are just in a glorious place with our Lord. Somehow it gives me comfort.

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  35. Dear Lana, I have been thinking of you a lot, worried that your absence from us meant that things weren't going well for your dear Henry. So many times I wanted to reach out to you, but didn't want to bother you.

    My mom is in that last stage of cancer. She probably has less than a week to live. We pray that she will pass peacefully, without pain, but fear the worst. I have looked for grief therapy forums, and I get no answers- only others giving their condolences and telling their own stories of grief and loss. These things provide no comfort to me. I dont want condolences, I want someone to tell me how to get through the grief.

    So why am I here telling you my story of grief and loss? Because I want you to know that people are here for you, Lana. Grieve as you need to. Celebrate Henry's life. Be grateful that his suffering has ended. Reach out to us when you need to. We're here.

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  36. My dearest Lana,my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.I lost my father earlier this year to cancer and there are not even words to describe the overwhelming emotions you go through.Your videos have helped heal my pain when nothing else would.I hope you realize how much you are truly loved by others.You are in my prayers every day.

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  37. This was the news I prayed I'd never hear. He was your soul mate and your friend, your one true cheerleader and I know how desperate you must feel. My heart is breaking for you, the family and all who knew and loved Henry. I know he is smiling down on you and if you need to visit him 100 times a day, you go. Do whatever you need to do to get you through this and know we are holding you up till you have some strength. I loved Henry as I love you and I so wish I was there to give you a hug. xxxxx

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  38. Lana, my name is Liz and im 17 years old. I think of you as my role model, no matter how weird that sounds. You are the most incredibly sweetest, polite and caring lady that i've ever seen. I have honestly opened a new view for life and realized that being caring and sweet is honestly the way to go. I want an incredible future for myself and my boyfriend of two years. When I heard about Henrys passing, I was completely shocked, stunned and upset. I've watched every video of yours and I had an idea of what he meant to you and I knew that your world would be shattered. From what youve shown us, Henry is an incredibly calm and down to Earth man who didn't deserve his cancer. I love you dearly and Im so so so sorry for your passing. Henry is in a better place now and he will forever be with you, dont forget. Please feel better. You don't owe any of us anything. We love and miss you hope and we want the best for you.

    Sincerly,
    Liz

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  39. All I can do is sit here and cry. But please know, Lana, that even if your kids and grandkids weren't in your life, you'd still have us...We all love you to pieces! I know it's of small comfort, especially when things are so raw, but I also know you feel the love oozing from your computer screen!

    There will come a time when you're able to NOT cry 100% of the time. It might take months, years, decades...no one ever knows, but I promise you there will come a time when you will be able to smile and laugh again...Remember above all, Henry would have wanted that for you!

    I love you, Lana Banana! PLEASE take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself! If going to the cemetery three times a day comforts you, DO IT! Who cares what anyone else thinks! It's YOUR life, after all!!

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    1. Oops! Don't know why my name doesn't show any longer, but it's Moya97 from twitter. <3

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  40. Once again Lana I'm so sorry :( you are in my thoughts everyday! <3 you xxxxxx

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  41. I am so sorry for your loss, Lana! I cannot even image what you go through right now but remember that there are so many people in your life who love you with all the passion you can love a human being! I love the saying which says: "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice". The love you feel for your husband is the true representation of how real and strong love can be. I only wish one day I find a person with such a strong heart full of love like yours.

    Loads of love and thinking of you,

    Tanya xxxx

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  42. Dear Lana,

    You have been in my heart for a very long time, and this is where you will remain. There are no words of comfort that I can offer, other than to say you are surrounded in love.

    Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

    Hearts and thoughts. xx

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  43. Dear Lana,
    No you are not loco. Just grieving in your own way. You do whatever it takes to heal even if it means camping by his grave. I pray for you daily that God will comfort you and heal your broken heart. You will always have a scar left but one day you will be able to think of Henry without tears and just enjoy the memories. I'm glad he had his way of dying and that you were there with him. Come back and share with us when you can. It might help someone who may be going through what you and Henry experienced. God bless you, Lana. ♥Liz

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  44. Hello Lana,

    I would like to extend condolences to you on Henry's passing. In times like these words fail us as no amount ofwords can really take away your pain. I am so very sorry for your loss and whilst i know that you are really suffering at the moment time does heal the pain and we eventually find a way to cope and move on. You are in my prayers. May Henry rest in Peace. You grieve the way you want to and take no notice of what other people think- it is your life and you have to live it how you see best and comfort yoursself how you see best. Hugs Donna from Amsterdam

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  45. Sharing from your heart, your love and heartaches, is very generous of you. Your sharing of such have made us love you and your husband. A quote that I have on my desk..."To live in hearts you leave behind is not to die", reminds me to be thankful that I have loved, been loved and am fortunate to keep those memories alive in my heart. As I move on in life, my heart still aches and loves those who have left and I shall never forget the love and kindness shown to me. Much love to you sweet Lana.

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  46. Lana,
    My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers. I haven't been in your situation but I know how difficult it is go on when a loved one leaves us and and makes that journey to the afterlife. But I know for sure with every day and all the memories you have of Henry, he will live on in your heart and soul. Yes you lost the love of you life, but your love for him will go on forever in your body, mind, and soul. I am sure he loved you til his last breath and beyond. Praying God leads you to do his will, that Jesus comforts you, and most importantly you find Peace in Jesus. May God Bless and keep you Lana. -Gloria

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  47. Lana,

    My heart aches for you during your loss. I know this is a difficult time for you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that he will never be gone because he is in your heart. I know you will be strong during this difficult time, you have already proven to the world and yourself that you are. Much love to you.

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  48. Lana,

    My deepest sympathy to you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and ask for Jesus to wrap you with His arms and comfort you.

    I had sent you a note months ago telling you about a picture a friend of mine had taken of him holding his Dad's hand...it was just a picture of their two hands. It was such a beautiful and powerful picture. I hope you were able to read my note and snap that picture.

    It's obvious that you are loved by many and you are blessed to have so many people who take the time to leave you positive and comforting words. Not many people have that kind of support group! It shows what great character you have! Henry was a very lucky man to have you at his side.

    No words can take away your pain or your loneliness, but I do hope that you allow your heart to heal and know that you are a very special lady.

    Hugs from Texas,

    Sandee

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  49. I love you so much Lana. My heart breaks and I cry for you. I do know you will eventually pull out of despair and I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for thinking of all of us and writing this blog. We just want to know you are hanging in there. Do what you need to do, whatever that is...I know Henry looks down on you. there is no way he would not be there for you.

    Jeanie

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  50. Lana, my heart aches for you. I cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I know you and Henry loved each other very much, and I'm certain that he continues to send his love every day from above.
    You have been incredibly strong throughout these hard times, and I know your strength will help you endure. We are all here for you.
    Love from New York,
    Mary

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  51. All My Tears: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2Qt4WduvqI

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  52. So sorry for you loss. I have been following your blog for some time but have never commented. Lean on others and your strength will help you to move forward. He is forever in your heart.

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  53. i am going to tell you something and it is coming from my history. in the last five years i have buried two moms, two dads, and my best friend my aunt pat, it took me so down i had to see a psychartist and get drugs, i became a empty shell, i know losing your husband is worse. i think for you he was your dad, best friend, husband all in one. you have too let go. not now, nt six months from now, but than you have to let go. you will only end up hurting yourself and even though i dont know you i feel i do. i cant stand the thought of losing you or your kids or grandkids need you. even your dogs need you. write it all down, put it in a book and please call me if you need me, i cry so much that your hurting, please dont go down with the pain, rabbai says cry and mourn but living is for the living.

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  54. Dear Lana, I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words to solve your hearts pain.
    You lost your partner, your love, your best friend, your shelter, your soulmate.
    My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Warmest hugs form Germany

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  55. Oh Lana, I'm so sorry... I can only imagine the way you feel right now - you are walking around in an isolated shell that no one can get in, where you are watching life go on around you but you are only a spectator not a participant. Nothing feels normal, you get a strange, almost envious feeling when you see other people going about their usual (seemingly) carefree lives. You can't fathom ever feeling that way again - light and carefree. You are right that you will never again feel "normal" like before; but you will eventually find a new normal.

    You were so fortunate to have had a man like Henry in your life. I pray that you get to a place where you can allow yourself to think about your beloved Henry for the sheer pleasure of it. I know that is a ways off. But I pray that it comes to you.

    Cry, scream, yell, break things, sleep, don't put on any makeup, put on a face full of makeup... give your emotions free reign. I believe that is the only way to get past this horrendous grief.

    When you are ready, Lana will re emerge ready to face the world again with the quick wit, sassy self-depricating humor we've all grown to love. Til then, you are loved and thought of often.

    Hugs,
    Kathy in Nashville

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  56. Oh Lana, I am so sorry to read this. I've thought about you often over the last few months. Please don't let anyone dictate how you grieve, where you grieve or how long you grieve. You know what you need and what's best for you. Wishing you a small measure of peace in your days. ~Suzy (wdbreezy)

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  57. I am so sorry for your loss; my thoughts, along with countless others, are with you at this difficult time.
    L.

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  58. It's a privilege to know you Lana, you are a sweet caring Lady.
    Henry pass knowing you gave him all of you, unconditionally. He passed filled with love for you and from you love Lana. The tears burn my eyes knowing you feel lost without the love of your life, I pray God will keep you just the way you have always been, loving, caring and pleasing people around you for being you. The pain you feel can only be felt by you but know that I care and pray for peace in your weary heart. Always and forever your friend, Big Hugs Margaret x x

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  59. I can only imagine your efforts and life over the past few months. I often think losing someone in that manner would be akin to watching a loved one who is hanging from a cliff and knows they are going to fall....and all you can do is be with them. Torture, surely. How anyone can live through what you have experienced from birth to now, is a true testement to the human spirit. It's when you feel the most breakable, when you are most strong. Peace and love, Lisa

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  60. My dearest Lana, I have looked for you every day. Hope and dread intermingle, as I clicked open this page. There are not words to express how sorry I am. My heart is broken for you, and I want you to know, I love you. ~Trish

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    1. That's exactly how i felt. Too afraid to look and heartbroken for you when I saw the unimaginable had happened. I am so sorry for your loss Lana.Your personality and spirit shone through on your videos and I quickly became a fan.all my love thinking of you.Vale Henry. Love Lisa from Australia

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  61. I think it's obvious to all of us how much happiness you gave to Henry. He was completely blessed to have had you in his life. Well done, Lana.

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  62. Dearest Lana,

    Throughout this ordeal and Henry's diagnosis, you have been in my thoughts and my prayers each and every day. The love of your life has gone from this earth, but he lives on in your heart every moment of every day. He is everywhere Lana, all around you. You are not loco - I did the same when my mother died. I used to pack a picnic and spend entire days there sometimes because I wanted to be near her and it gave me comfort to sit by her grave and talk to her. Henry may not be with you physically, but he will remain with you in a different form. You are a remarkable, a very extraordinary woman Lana and Henry was (and still is) proud of you. God bless you sweetheart and may your beloved Henry rest in peace. My deepest love, Leyla xxxooo

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  63. Lana, take each day moment by moment. All the Love you shared is still there to hold and nourish you. Lots of love, Kirstin

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  64. Lana, I believe that suffering a profound loss is a shocking experience. One of the greatest threats to our ability to thrive as social creatures is the prospect of abandonment. It is a circumstance analogous to having something violently ripped from within you while being flooded with an overwhelming panic, loss of bearings, and a pain so acute, that every fiber of your consciousness is tortured by it. You tell us that your mother left, you lost your brother (your protector) when he had to live elsewhere, your ex husband, and now Henry....
    It seems you have had a life full of suffering and abandonment, but we are here for you now. We will send you our love everyday. Can you imagine being so fondly thought of and cared about by hundreds of people?
    Do whatever you need to do in order to make sense of the world again, Lana. Eat wholesome foods, move your body to release the tension, sleep as much as you need to, and breathe deeply. You are loved.

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  65. Dear Sweet Precious Lana, I'm so very sorry that Henry lost his battle with cancer. My heart hurts so badly for your loss. I wish there was a way to help ease your pain. Do know that you are in my prayers, dear one. You will be reunited with Henry in Heaven one day. Meanwhile, Please take care of you! There is nothing wrong with going to the cemetery three times a day. I'm sure I would do the same thing. God bless you sweetheart. With love, prayers, and hugs~Marilyn ❤

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  66. So sorry to hear about your loss. My only advice is to not isolate yourself. Spend time with your family and take care of yourself. You've got your online friends for support, but family and "real life" friends are going to help you the most. Hope to hear from you soon.

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  67. So much love for you Lana.
    In my prayers ~ you're amazing <3

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  68. Tis a Fearful Thing

    Tis a fearful thing,
    to love what death can touch.

    To love, to hope, to dream,
    and oh, to lose.

    A thing for fools, this, but a holy thing,
    a holy thing to love.

    For your life has lived in me;
    your laugh once lifted me;
    your word was a gift to me.

    To remember this brings painful joy.

    Tis a human thing, love, a holy thing,
    to love what death can touch.

    - Anonymous


    One day, the joy will rule over the pain.

    ~♥~

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  69. Lana, thank you for having the strength to write this and caring about us to update us. I am so sorry for the loss of your greatest love. We all love you and you are in all of our hearts in this hard time. I cannot imagine the pain you are facing right now... Please be sure to spend time with your family and not focus on being so alone. I have thought about you a lot even after you stopped updating and would frequently check your blog for updates on things. Unfortunately you had to write something like this, but please continue to stay strong!

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  71. My dear sweet Lana, my heart is just broken into a million pieces for you.. I know the love you and Henry share... just like the love I have for Matt, I can't imgaine losing him.. where I'd be or how I would go on...i love you like a sister, from the day we met I felt such a bond with you.. if there is anything at all I can do you know I'm here ... You and Henry shared a magically love story romance one that movies are made about.. hold on to that love it will give you strength .... I love you with all my heart... Victoria xoxo

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  72. Lana, I am so sorry and please know that I've been thinking of you and your husband so much these last few months. Thank you for writing to us even when we did not expect you to. Go to the cemetery. That is why we have them. To keep our connection to those we lost. If it helps you right now then that is what you need. I am not a widow but have watched my mother go through her journey over the last four years after my father passed. On his terms, like your Henry. It is a difficult journey of healing, faith, and rediscovering yourself. My mother used family, work, remembering good times and just the passing of time to help her. She is still using these things. Sending love and prayers to you.
    Char

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  73. Oh gosh. :(
    Thank you for updating during this most difficult time, sweet Lana.
    You two had an extraordinary love. One that people can only hope and dream of and strive for in life. You will always have that love, ALWAYS.
    I would do the same things and feel the exact same way if my husband passed before me.
    Thinking of you often and my husband even asks about you and was truly saddened to hear of Henry's passing.
    Sending love and strength your way,
    Michele
    (ShellieBill from YouTube)

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  75. Dear Lana,

    I have been waiting all this months for your news, and hoped you were ok. I am so sorry to know this sad news, I am very sad for you and your family. You have lost a loved one, your husband and your best friend, so it is normal and natural to grieve. Do it as you feel you need to. This grieving process will give you time to reflect and find new strength that will enable you to continue life's journey and regain peace-of-mind.

    Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward, and we are with you to find it, all your virtual friends from the Internet that, without knowing you in person, are thinking of you and waiting for you, your messages, your videos. I pray that you will be able to think about Henry without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

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  76. Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again ~ Helen Steiner Rice


    You *will* make it to a better place, Lana. You will. It seems impossible, but it is not as it seems.


    ~♥~

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  77. Thinking of you today, precious Lana. ❤

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  78. I've been checking your blog weekly hoping to hear from you. I am praying for peace and comfort in your spirit...that some day more good memories will come to mind than painful ones. Please take all the time you need to heal your heart and know that there are many of us craving your unique personality and insights here on your blog and YouTube!
    Tina

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  79. I just saw this Lana...I understand death more than I understand life really. Your pain is understandable.. please know you are not alone. I've experienced death a lot and grieving is a very personal process. Allow others to comfort you now..you have given Henry the best gift...you gave him your heart. A real love story here..Breathe...

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  80. Just stopping in to say hello...your are in my thoughts.

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  81. Lana,

    I am so sorry to hear of Henry's passing. Please take care of yourself now and that means if taking care of Henry's resting place is what you need to do, then do just that. These are the things that will help the healing to begin. I continue to keep you all in my prayers and send you much love and light.

    Mary♥

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  82. Lana, I am so glad to see you write here on your blog. Day after day I would check to see if you had written anything.......and every day there wasn't something ......the thoughts and fear that something very bad must be going on to take our sweet and funny Lana away from us for so long. I am so so sorry for Henry's passing and wish there was something someone could do to change it. You inspire me in so many ways.......your attitude about life and family is awesome. If anyone can take the last few months or last year..........and put it onto paper in a beautiful, heart wrenching yet life affirming-touch your soul way.........you can-when you are ready. A big hug to you.......Sonja

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  83. Dear Lana ~ You are cared about so very much, by so many, and I believe that all of us just want you to be okay. Do whatever you need to do to make it through each day, and know that you are loved. Be kind to yourself :)
    Mary Sue
    aka booboo53isme

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  84. Oh, Lana.... I'm so sorry for your lost!!! I can'r realize how is hard to you but I hope you're strong! Always think in your wonderful moments together! I think that become the distance a little short! My best hug for you, dear!

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  85. lana I was watching a vid of charlotte (crawlinginmyweb) and heard the bad news about your husband.. I'm so sorry.. I can't keep my eyes dry at this moment. I remember you always talking about him with love and passion.. What a horrible diseas it is cancer! Lana I will pray for you, and I'm thinking of you in this dark time. Hold on to the years he lived instead of the one day he died..I know for sure he is very proud of you, and watch from above! sweet lana be strong :) xoxoxxo debby

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  86. Dear Lana,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I too watched my husband lose his battle with cancer that took his right kidney, adrenal gland, right thigh, right knee, right hip before spreading to his left adrenal gland, ribs ending in his lungs and he died of congestive heart failure. When he was diagnosed it had already metastisized and he battle it for 4 and 1/2 long years. This past July 4th marked the third year since he passed. It is hard.....I know all too well. It WILL get easier each and every day that passes. Last year I lost my brother unexpectedly to a heart attack....my daughter's biological father died that year of pneumonia and I had to have my dog of 18 years put to sleep. As I struggle to get through seeing my loved ones pass my grandchildren have been so much happiness to me. Spend as much time with your kids and grandchildren. They are always sure to bring a smile to your face and take the sadness from you if even for a short time. Spend time with friends and family be it on the internet or with those around you. I didn't get involved with any support groups, but I have read as much as I can on grieving and living, again. I have prayed for you during these hard times and I promise to continue to remember you in prayer. Rest easy...

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  87. It always sounds weird to say "I'm sorry" to a person who lost someone they loved, but words fail me now..so.. I'm sorry. I'm normally not the praying type, but in yours and Henry's case I made an exception. I know they he didn't go down without a fight, and even though it kills you now, eventually you'll find some happiness in knowing that you both did all you could to fight and fight hard. He would want you to carry on and live life to the fullest. Do the things you've always had planned, knowing that even if Henry isn't with you physically, he's with you in spirit. <3

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  88. Oh Lana I cried so much reading this... As I would do the same as you plus I would bring the little doggies to visit also. {{hugs}}

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  89. Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way Lana. We ALL love you. Grieve any way you see fit, and who cares what anyone else thinks. It's your loss, not theirs.

    Love,
    Teri

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  90. No words, just tears. A future without pain cannot come fast enough.

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  91. Lana, no words can express my grief for you. I think of you daily. Henry was such a special man, I loved his sense of humor and the stories you shared with us about him. If you ever need someone to cry with, I'm here.

    Your friend,
    floridapossum

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  92. Lana, my heart aches for you. I have been thinking of you lately and today was able to check your blog to see if there was any news, I didn't expect to hear your sweet Henry is gone. I can only imagine how your heart feels. Go to visit Henry as often as you need to; no one can tell you how often that is or isn't, only you know. My love and prayers go out to you.

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  93. Dear Lana, I continue to pray for you every single day. I know you heart is hurting so much...feel my arms around you giving you a great big hug!! Love you ! ~Natalie

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  94. *Big huge hug to you Lana*
    I am very very sorry to hear about Henry. I cannot even imagine how you feel.
    You always come into my mind from time to time and I always say a little prayer for you and your family.

    I don't think you are Loco at all for visiting the graveyard 3 times a day. I probably would feel like doing the same thing. Just remember that your lovely man is not in the graveyard, he is looking down on you from above. Sending down rays of smiles and love.

    Just as he was all you had, I am sure he thought the very same of you, and would want the VERY BEST for his lady.

    <3 ya Lana

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  95. Lana.. no words.. this moment.. silence is gold. Love you Lana.

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  96. I have been looking for you for months and months, fearing the worst, but hoping for the best. I thought, well maybe Henry's treatment got more intensive and that is why she is so quiet, but I knew I was kidding myself, and I prayed hard for both of you every day. Saying I am sorry that Henry is gone seems so trite somehow, but never the less, I am truly sorry. One thing I do disagree with you about, is that you say you now have no one. But that is not true. You have your siblings, your children, and grandchildren, and of course your YouTube family, who all love you so much

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  97. Thinking about you and praying for you. A big Hug!
    Paola (Venice, Italy)

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  99. We love you. Im am so sorry this happened to you, your husband and your family. I won't pretend that I know how losing a loved one feels but I am dreading the day when I find out. Keep on keeping on and do whatever feels right to you. Try to find light and happiness in the small things. Imagine us all giving you hugs and holding your hand because thats what I'd being doing if I was fortunate enough to meet you.

    Love from Emma (New Zealand) xxoxoxoxoxoxox X a million :)

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  100. There is no way to predict
    how you will feel.

    The reactions of grief are
    not like recipes,
    with given ingredients,
    and certain results.

    Each person mourns in a
    different way.

    ~ Rabbi Earl Grollman from "Living When a Loved One Has Died"


    Take good, gentle care of Lana today. ~♥~

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  101. Lana - these mere black words on white paper... sometimes its hard to connect that each of us who types you a note is a REAL person who cares for YOU! No, we don't "know" you... but our thoughts and energy is real... our prayers are real... our blessings real. I know things feel very different right now... but KNOW you are loved, you are important and you are needed... your path is not over... the joy you give is your gift... I wish you receive it now... love and light...PJ

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  102. There are no words that can express this emptiness and sadness, and yet words somehow can heal, and are all we have in such circumstances. You must endure, be strong, live. If I could I would just give you a warm strong friendly comforting hug.
    love :*
    Kamila, Poland

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  103. God love you Lana you are an inspiration. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, it seems you always have had to be tough. I pray time will help. Rebecca Cox

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  104. God love you Lana you are an inspiration. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, it seems you always have had to be tough. I pray time will help. Rebecca Cox

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  105. You are so very loved, Lana. You are in my prayers.~Marilyn ❤

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  107. Lana may you see the sunrise and sunset as a bright star going forward. You must grieve as only you can and no ones idea of how to grieve will fit. After losing my whole family before I was 32, dad, mom and brother it still hurts and that was over 20 yrs ago. It will get easier but not yet. God has a plan for us all and sometimes we wonder why things happen the way we do. May you find strength at the morning sunrise and comfort at the evening sunset. Henry knew you were strong and that is one of the features that made you beautiful to him. Prayers with you. Tears with you. Awesomeness at the sunrise/sunset with you.

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  108. May you find some peace and comfort during this difficult time.

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  109. Oh Lana! I must say that seeing this brings tears to my eyes! I remember first discovering the website YouTube. You were not one of the first, but the first person who I instantly took an interest in and had to subscribe to! So I have been watching your videos from day one. I feel like I have come to know you over the years of watching you! I know how highly you have always spoke of your husband. So I could only imagine how much pain you must feel. You be sure to hang in there, and know that there are many people in the world who are praying and thinking of you! God Bless You! Take Care!

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  110. Lana, My heart goes out to you and your family. Take care of yourself, and take the time you need to try and heal. God bless you. ~Amber

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  111. Lana
    You are loved
    And you are not alone

    An Invisible Friend from Liverpool England

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  112. I don't know if this is something you are interested in, or ready for, but I saw this today, and thought perhaps you may be interested. It's called:

    He Gathers Your Tears by Phylis Moore.
    It has *only* good reviews everywhere I've seen it.



    ~♥~

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  113. ~♥~

    Wish I had something spiffy to say...

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  114. I ordered some Kimochis for my little one, and they arrived today. As I was leaving your blog just now, I realized - they may be a GREAT tool to help the GrandBabies deal with the feelings they are experiencing right now.

    They are stuffed animals with specific personality traits, but the main point are the little 'emotions' that come with - and are sold in sets separately - that help children (even adults, really) identify and cope with their emotions. They are used by psychologists, social workers, teachers, and me. lol I don't know if a link will post, but here goes:

    http://www.shop.kimochis.com/

    ~♥~

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  115. Here is a printable worksheet, where the child draws the facial expression of the emotion they are experiencing, writes it, and can write about why they feel that way:

    http://www.kidtoonfilms.com/Kimochis/Kimochis_Feeling_Worksheet.pdf

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  116. Thinking of you today :) sending ((( hugs)))

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  117. Thank God for our memories and how the people have touched our lives. I know what you are going through is hard, but he is not in pain any longer.

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  118. Dear Lana

    I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take care of yourself.

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  119. Lana dear, just stopping by to see how you are. Your pain will ease, you'll laugh again, you will come out of this whole. It's what Henry would want, and you, above all people, are a survivor. Love to you.

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  120. Lana, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Henry. Prayers for you and your family.

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  121. HELLO LANA ITS ME GEORGE FROM AUSTRALIA . SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS . I THINK OF YOU OFTEN . YOUR A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING . YOU ARE MUCH LOVED. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT . ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT. WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING VERY VALUABLE HERE. WE ARE ONLY VISITORS ON PLANET EARTH, AND NOTHING MORE . HUMAN LIFE IS PRECIOUS, AND FRAGILE . LOOK AFTER YOU .

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  122. I am so heartbroken for you Lana for your lost love.
    PSALM 34:18 The Lord is close to those who's hearts are breaking.
    No words can come close to describing the pain we feel when we lose our loved ones. I can relate to when you say you hang out at the cemetery. I went nearly every single day to be with my Grandmother who raised me when she passed. I think I did that for the first 3 years. Just to talk to her and cry and see her beautiful blue butterfly that would hang out with me there. I know it was her because it was her favorite color. Lana, you have touched my heart with your honesty of sharing a part of yourself with us...total strangers! I wish you love and peace.

    Sister in Christ, Farrah

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  123. I'm truly and deeply sorry for your loss. I can't explain how bad I feel right now thinking of you in this hard times, and I know it won't help saying I've thought of Henry and you every day since you've announced his desease. I can just send you tons of love, hoping that the memories of your beloved husband will help you to laugh again. He lives in your heart, that's for sure. Huge love from South Italy

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  124. Lana.....I am so so very sorry...

    Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

    Diana xx

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  125. Sweet Lana. Thank you so much for sharing Henry, and your wonderful family, with us. Henry's passing is a loss for us all. I've missed watching your videos and reading your blogs. I wish I could give you a big hug. Take care of yourself. You still have others (your beautiful grandchildren) that need you very much. Lots of love to you.

    Patricia...

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  126. you've helped a great many of us get thru some unbearable times, we are here for you now. you, yourself, have made it thru so much in your life. many of us too know how difficult it is to grieve the loss of a beloved spouse. just remember that you have what it takes, dear heart, to make it thru this deeply painful time. from my heart to yours when you are ready, we will be here. <3

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  127. Lana I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there aren't words to describe how you feel. Just know that I love you and keep you in my prayers always. Gentle hugs & always open arm, Cindy

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  128. Thinking of you today, Lana. You're in all of our prayers.
    Much love!

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  129. Lana, I am so sorry to hear the news! My deepest condolences to you and your family. I have no other words to express my deepest sympathy. May God be with you through this journey of healing.

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  130. Dear Lana, thank you so much for letting us know. I thought something was wrong when I hadn't seen a video from you in months. I'm glad you devoted your time to your husband.

    {{ hugs }}

    Monica.

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  131. Lana, Tears come to my eyes reading your story. I am so sorry for your loss, i can never imagine how hard it is to loose the only person you have. My most sincere condolences. Love you! Alexandra

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  132. Hi Lana , I was thinking about you today as I do very often. Hoping you are OK I know how hard it is because I lost my husband to cancer and it came out of know where and took him fast. I felt like the first two months or more that he was gone were so strange....... I kept thinking he will be home soon at the time he normally came home from work,,,,,, I knew he was gone but swear I could hear him coming in the door and almost hear his voice call out , " Hi Everyone" I'm not crazy but I swear my mind played lots of tricks on me. I kept all his clothes and belongings Way longer then everyone said I should but when the day came that it was right for me then it was right and I was glad I followed my own heart. Follow your gut! I was never much in to working out but when I lost my hub I begin getting lots of long cardio daily...... I feel it was one thing that saved me Please Take Special Good care of yourself !! Henry will be smiling if he see's you doing your best for you He would want that. Love you Lana Nancy ( CocoPink44) .......your Birthday Sister.

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  133. Lana, I just googled "liana from Indiana" because I had this unexplainable pull to find out how you were. I spelled your name wrong yet google knew and corrected me, "lana from Indiana", the world knows who you and your husband are so much so that the biggest way to search for things redirects us to you. To you, you beautiful, heartbreakingly wonder person and to your husband who we all dreamed would recover and we would all laugh again in youtube.

    So I am so sorry to learn that he passed away. If it helps at all, I read every word. I am crying with you as I write this. Your words are so beautiful. I hope I get to spend 1/2 the time and have at least 1/2 the amazing time with my husband that you had with yours. Just a taste of the love you have for him is inspiring and has changed so many lives. Thank you for sharing with us. We are listening, the world knows how wonderful he was and we all feel what you are going through.

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  134. Hello Lana I just found out about the passing of your husband my heart my prayers are with you and your family... xoxo Von

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  135. Hello Lana, I just found out about the passing of your husband. my heart, my prayers are with you and your family. xoxo Von

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  136. Lana,
    Please grieve how you must. The cemetery brings you comfort so go often. When my children were small we used to go to the cemetery where my dad, brother and grandparents are buried. It had a beautiful pond with frogs, japanese carp, lily pads and turtles. We would bring a picnic and I didn't care if others thought it was weird. One evening during dinner at my mom's the children were misbehaving and I threatened them with not going to the cemetery the next day if they didn't stop fooling around. They ate their dinner quietly and after asked "can we go to the cemetery tomorrow"? I replied "yes" and all three got up from the table jumping up and down and clapping their hands "We're going to the cemetery" over and over. I said to my mom "I think we are the Addams Family now".

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  137. Dear Precious Lana, I think of you each and every day. And I say a prayer that God will be with you as you grieve and mourn your horrific loss of Henry. Always remember that you will see Henry again when your journey on earth is done. I pray that everyone's messages of love and prayers will help sustain you, Lana. May the Lord surround you with comforting Angels. I wanted to share a little poem that I wrote in my Bible when I was going through a difficult time in life. It reminds me of you as I read these wonderful messages of love that people are sweet enough to write to you.

    It was only a kindly word,
    And a word that was lightly spoken.
    Yet not in vain,
    For it stilled the pain,
    Of a heart that was nearly broken.~Anonymous

    Lana, may all of our words help heal your pain and lessen it--if only just a little bit. We all love you so much. You are such a wonderful soul. God bless you, Sweetheart. Hugs,~Marilyn ❤

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  138. How very sad.
    I wish you strength and courage to carry your loss.

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  139. I would think it crazy not go to him every day - all day... at this time and always.

    </3

    Only the love never dies ~~

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  140. Oh Lana... My heart is breaking for you... I have not been on this blog in a while due to a lot of health issues myself.... I'm so deeply sorry for your loss of Henry. I pray the Lord gives the strength you and your family need to get through this most difficult time. I know there is nothing I can make you feel better (wish there was) just know I will continue to pray for you all. Faith is the only thing that gets us through these most difficult times. Big hugs to you! <3

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  141. Dear sweet Lana,
    I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. But you two will be reunited one day in Heaven! Sending you lots of love and prayers. May his memory be eternal!

    xoxo, Lexi

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  142. Oh Lana I am so very sorry to hear of your husbands passing. After not seeing you on Youtube in a while, I tracked down your blog and come to find this sad news. I know there's nothing anyone can say right now to make it any better, but it does get easier, cliche I know, but it does. Remember he will always be around you and you can always talk to him and he'll listen and look out for, always, until one day when you can be reunited.
    You take care of yourself.
    Laura. xoxo

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  143. Hello there, sweet Lana ~ Just want you to know I'm thinking about you :)
    mary sue
    booboo53isme

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  144. (¯`v´¯)
    `·.¸.·´
    ¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ ¸

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  146. Lana,

    Still holding you in my heart and praying for you and your family♥

    Mary (Mjd716)

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  147. Lana, my heart aches for you. There are no words. You're in my prayers.

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  148. Thinking of you, Lana. I always loved your channel for the humor and beauty of your heart. Sending you strength in this hard time.

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  149. I'm so sorry to hear about your Husband..if being at the cemetery 3 times a day gives you comfort then be there..never apologize for healing your heart..my daily walks takes me thru our local cemetery and i see the same people day after day trying to make sense of losing their loved one..sending out prayers for your healing heart..Nina from Ohio...

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  150. Lana, You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs,~Marilyn ❤

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  151. Lana, you and your husband have touched my life in ways you will never know I love you Lana <3

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  152. I realized that I hadn't heard from you via youtube in a while so I went to your page and saw the terrible news :( my heart aches for you and your family. you are so such a strong inspirational woman. I have been a subscriber for a long time 2.5 years?? I love your personality and your kind giving spirit. take it one breath at a time one day at a time.

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  153. ____ (¯`(♥)´¯) _____(¯`(♥)´¯)
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    ________¶¶¶(¯`(♥)´¯)¶¶
    ___________¶(_.^._)¶
    ____________ ¶¶¶¶¶
    _____________¶¶¶

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  154. Lana, I'm a long time subscriber to you on youtube. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious husband. I just found out when I checked here tonight. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just do what you feel you need to do. I wish I had words for you to help ease the pain, but I don't. It hurts to lose a soulmate, a best friend, a companion, a husband. My heart aches for you. Please know you are in many people's prayers. We love you Lana. We will be here when/if you decide to come back.

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  155. Lana, My heart aches for you. Sending you tons of love. Big Hugs Eva

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  156. Lana, I am so sorry to hear of Henry's passing. My heart hurts for you and everything you have gone through. I'll be praying for you, sweet lady. (((HUGS)))
    Arlette

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  157. When good men die, their goodness does not perish. -Euripides

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  158. There are never the right words to express the sadness we feel for such a loss. Our thoughts are with you. Big hugs, Lana!!!~Marilyn ❤

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  159. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. :(

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  160. Dearest Lana, I'm so sorry about Henry. When people don't understand, just remind them... The hearts and souls of the ones that we love are always with us. The graveside is no exception to that. Your beautiful Henry is always there with you, helping to lovingly tend to the place that makes you feel the closest to him. We all grieve and heal in our own way and in our own time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  161. I could hardly breathe while reading your chapters. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I am so sorry for your loss. When you finally find someone who loves you, well, I know I have found that one and losing him would be such a great loss. Do you have children? I hope they can sustain you with their love. I am 57 so anything could happen. If I didn't have a close relationship with God, I wouldn't make it. Did you take down your Youtube Channel? I liked your videos...

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  162. I could hardly breathe while reading your chapters. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I am so sorry for your loss. When you finally find someone who loves you, well, I know I have found that one and losing him would be such a great loss. Do you have children? I hope they can sustain you with their love. I am 57 so anything could happen. If I didn't have a close relationship with God, I wouldn't make it. Did you take down your Youtube Channel? I liked your videos...

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  163. Praying for peace ford you, Lana. God bless you.

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  164. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart - Psalm 34


    ~♥~

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  165. Lana, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you're going through and it is a process. I loss my father 12 years ago and it still seems like yesterday. I miss him as much as I did the day he passed. I believe that Henry would want you to be happy and live your life to its fullest. I know that's unimaginable right now, but in time you will. Cancer is a horrible disease and that is what took my father too. My thoughts and prayers are with you Lana and we all miss and want the very best for you! xoxo Kelly

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  166. I miss you. I know you are raw and need time to heal. I just exfoliated my face - thought of you teaching us how and why to do this. I have an obsession with keeping my toenails painted and pretty - because of you. You mean as much to me as my sisters. Hurry back to us so we can surround you with love.
    Blessings,
    Abase

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  167. Heart breaking , God bless you xxx

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  168. ”And I remember when I met him.. It was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it right away. And as years went on things got more difficult, we were faced with more challenges. I begged him to stay, tried to remember what we had in the beginning.. He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in, every woman’s head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix… Of a man who couldn’t contain himself. I always got this sense that he’d became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way, I understood him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him… And I still love him, I love him.”

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  169. Lana, I just read your blog. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers are with you.

    Love and Hugs,
    Sylvia

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  170. Lana, you have my sincere sympathy regarding the death of your husband. I hate it when people say you've lost him, he's not lost, he's in the comfort of Jesus hands. No more pain, no more sickness or disease ridden body. He's at peace and living with the King of Glory. Don't blame God like I did for my mother's death. Grieving will always be there, but the days/months/years will get better. I am thinking of you sincerely...and I am grieving with you. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Be strong. Annmarie from Grand Rapids Michigan

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