Sun and Sand.
Tropical breezes and hope in the air.
Life is changing. There are days I don't want it to change and others I crave the changes.
Since my husband passed away, I feel like I am 16 years old released into the wild streets with no direction.
I warned close family and friends that I WILL make mistakes. Not to watch me too closely and please, most of all, not to judge.
DO NOT JUDGE ME
I was driving down the road on a sunny Florida day and this odd feeling rushed toward me and hit me up side my head like a MAC truck.
What was it?
It felt oddly great.
It then occurred to me that this odd feeling was "happy"
Just a flash in a nano-second but there it was!
I felt it so few times after my husbands diagnosis.
Thought that word was erased from my vocabulary for eternity after his death but it's not. Happiness is still there. It's how you allow it to come visit you. I want it to come live with me. It's a much better houseguest than sad and pathetic.
I feel those feeling rush up to greet my face more and more as days slip by. I like it. I'm not going to push it away!
Come back Ms. Happy, You're always welcome here.
It truly must be beginning to show on me as well as in me.
I was asked out 3 times this week!
I was in the grocery store. (The grocery stores down here are much prettier happier places than in Indiana)
An attractive gentleman in Dr. scrubs came up next to me as I stood pondering to my self what the difference was between a Burrito Kit and a Taco Kit in the salsa aisle.
He said, "If you don't feel like cooking it, there is a fun Mexican restaurant down the street if you'd like to go. We can leave our carts here and escape to Mexico for an hour or perhaps you prefer the real thing?"
Are you talking to me?
I just avoided his eyes and mumbled some dumb thing. Muttering as I pushed my cart away scrambling to move away, hoping I wouldn't blurt out some idiotic sentence to embarrass myself.
On to frozen foods....
As I reached in to grab a bag of frozen peas,
Same Dr. Same blue eyes asked if I was following him.
Was he flirting with me?
Me? Me, I asked? Surely not.
I am dead inside. I have no more to give or get.
Or do I?
It's far too soon and I will investigate this phenomena further but now is not the time.
The 2nd time I was a bit more prepared but just as shocked.
To date again?
Go over all of life's history with a stranger? What's your sign? What do you do? Favorite movies? Ugh
All of that malarkey. Sounds exhausting.
The 3rd time I had to laugh to my self for hours after. He was 25 years old, cute as a button but as I told him....
I have SHOES older than he is!
My husband would hate all of this. He insured I would never have to depend on a man to care for me.
My place is by his side for all eternity. I can and will grasp for that elusive happy where and when I can get it but for now not in the form of a "Date"
I'm still finding myself.