The Countdown

Monday Evening
Friday it began. 
The countdown to Thursday.
To me, it's criminal to make a person wait 6 days to find out the results of the CT Scan taken on Friday.
This weekend was brutal. We did everything to keep our minds off it.
Gin Rummy. 
A race to see who could complete the USA Today Crossword first.  Watched old movies curled up together on the couch. 
It didn't help at all. It's always there. 
Haunting your mind. 
Taking your breath away. One minute convinced the outcome will be perfect. Then in the next instant, dashed to depths of despair that it won't be.
Our appointment on Thursday is at 10:00 and I may not have any eyelashes left by then from stress and worry.
You see, this test will show if the cancer is gone or not. Did the treatments work? All of the pain and trauma? Will it be good news?
So, basically, we will get a 
"You will live" or a "You will not live"
verdict. 
Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around that.
To look at dying so close and personal? 
Someone asked me in the comments about Henry's anti-nausea medicine. Is the dose strong enough?
It's not that sadly.
It's when he tries to swallow. Tries to brush his teeth, sip water.
He says he gags. 
The tiniest sip of water goes down then comes right back up.
(He hasn't drank water or eaten by mouth in over 3 months)
He says he feels something back there and it chokes him.
(I cringe just writing these words down)
My hope is that it's dead cancer stuck back there. Cancer that was killed by the radiation. Cancer just stuck  there doing nothing but being dead.
Please be DEAD! Please don't show up on a CT Scan as alive!


The doctor's words are our future. 
I wonder if I will whoop in glee or melt into a puddle of crying blubber on the floor of the office. 
If this is this hard for ME... Imagine how it must feel to be Henry?
I can't even.
So... We wait.
We continue to play cards, do the crossword and watch movies with Thursday, 10:00 on our minds.....

What's in the Future?

What does the future hold for anyone? 
We go thru each day doing our daily activities and never know what the future will hold. We have been experiencing a Time Warp of a Future on Crack! We don't know what we will be doing tomorrow, the next day or even next week. 
I blew up my car. Do we buy a new one or do I stick with my Company Car even tho I'm not doing "company" things? Do I even need a car right now? Does that even matter? 
In the Grand Scheme of thing....No!


Tomorrow is the PET Scan which is a full-body scan to see what's going on inside you. They inject you with a mixture of radiation dye and glucose. No carbs or sugars the night before or you will overload. They leave that hot-juice in your body for 1 hour then run you thru the scan to detect anything and everything inside you. 
If this cancer has spread beyond the head and neck, we are FUCKED! Sorry but it's the only way I care to describe it.

Yesterday, we were to attend our friends daughter's gala wedding but instead, we went to look for cemetery plots. Not that we are not being positive here, we are just being REAL.  
I had shopped and searched for the perfect dress for the last 2 weeks for this wedding. It was crucial that I have the right style and look like class. Everyone we know was invited.
 A gorgeous Zac Posen dress was in my possession with cute Jimmy Choo shoes to match. I was giddy with excitement. You know how it is when you feel your outfit for that upcoming special event looks good on you and you just know you will feel confident and the stress of being worried about your style is non existent. Ha!
That dress and shoes don't mean a thing. Handbags and lipsticks? They mean zilch.
JuicyTuesday wrote me a note and told me something that really sticks in my head....
Health is Wealth
I will write that again.... 
Health is Wealth.

Anyway, back to Zac Posen.
I told a dear friend of mine that we were going to spend our day on Saturday not going to the wedding but instead going to find Eternal resting places side by side. She gave me one very good idea...
Wear the Zac Posen to the cemetery! 
I did just that. 
My darling husband, Jimmy Choo, Zac Posen and I all traipsed thru the serene grounds and we found the perfect place. 
You may think I am being morbid. It wasn't at all. It was actually very peaceful and had a comforting presence there among the tall trees and beautiful quiet of flowers and silence. We found a spot near a sloping hill with sunshine and whispering trees nearby.

I hope all of you don't get depressed by my blog. It's theraputic for me. I am usually crying big tears as I type. It's also a way for me to express my thoughts and give family and far away friends an update. I know I need to announce this to my wonderful YouTube viewers in a video but I am so raw right now, I'm not sure I can. I appreciate you all more than you know. Each and every note and letter I get is going in the pocket inside my husbands heart tomorrow and all the good wishes and prayers will be going thru that PET Scan as well and I hope they come out on the other side with just ONE day of GOOD news. 
If not... 

Scans and Needles and Probes... Oh My!

Remember what seems like months ago but was only days ago I was BEGGING for answers? 
Ha! Now I don't want any more answers. I want to rewind to two weeks ago when we were just a normal happy American couple living the normal happy American Dream.
Working, laughing, enjoying life as everyone else does. 
R-E-W-I-N-D

If only it could be that easy.
I look at my husband and I have to rush to a room where I can close the door or hide behind a bed or wall to cry. I must stay strong. If he sees me break I swear he may crumble and we have the fight of our lives ahead of us.
We drove for miles to get a biopsy consult. This was supposed to be No Big Deal. The Ear Nose and Throat specialist was to tell us what kind of biopsy and how the procedure would go. Instead, he read the previous CT Scans and decided to do a light probe right there in the office. He stuck a very long piece of cotton gauze soaked in a numbing agent up his nose, left it there 10 minutes, came back and then shoved a light down his throat and looked around. 
As of now the official name is Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Tonsils and Throat. 
The EXACT same cancer that Michael Douglas had. 

But....
He has ordered more tests. A PET Scan, EKG ( to see if he's strong enough for what's ahead) and more Blood work on Monday. 
A PET Scan is a full body scan to check to see if this monster has spread to other organs. 
Dear God, please let it not have spread.
The lymph glands are 3 times the size of what they should be and his windpipe is being strangled by these cancerous tumors. There are 6 lymph glands in your neck. 5 of his are huge and growing.
 Time is not our friend anymore.
We used to make lists of things we had to do:

*Fly to Miami
*Gas up the cars
*Pack for a trip
*Buy new shoes and a dress for a gala event
*Go to a Wedding today


Yesterday, we made an entire new kind of list that made me want to hide in a closet and never come out:








*Buy a cemetery plot
*Pre-pay for our funerals
*Get our banking affairs in order
*Tell his 95 year old mom that her only son has Stage 4 cancer
*Meet with all the kids and break the news
*Tell as many of our friends that we can
*Call our dear friend and cancel our plans to attend his daughter's wedding. (I bought the most fabulous Zac Posen dress to wear but now Who really cares?)
*Find a doctor in Huston TX at MD Anderson that specializes in this type of cancer
*Decide if before treatment begins to get a feeding tube placed because his throat will be burnt to shreds by the radiation. Drinking water will be like entering the gates of hell for 6 to 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.


I apologize for being so depressing. You all know me. I am always one to make droll boring things into funny fabulous things. I can't seem to find one thing fun or fabulous anymore. At least not right now....

The "C" Word

Typing this out and even putting that word out into the stratosphere brings me to my knees. We have a name for it but what kind of cancer?
Where?
What can we do about it? 
What are our options?
I know that our next step and our next one after that in this horrible journey is going to be important but WHAT do we do? Let's get started!
I am a sleeper. I can sleep thru tornados, noise, turbulence, anything. I once fell asleep at a Harlem Globetrotter's Game in Atlanta. Packed house. Embarrassed but hey, it was a great nap.


Lately, I wake up 6 -7 times a night and think "Ok, this is all a really bad dream."
Who's nightmare did we stumble into anyway? This doesn't happen to us. 
We're young and fabulous. Smart and funny. We pay taxes!
My husband and I have always had a great relationship but now, we are like two tiny seahorses clinging to each other in a very big and extremely rough sea. 

The CT Scans showed some ugly tumors, more than 5 on his neck. One is so large it is beginning to block the windpipe. That's why all the bloody noses and coughing up blood. (Those have all but  stopped now and that fact makes me nervous)
Today, we have to go 3 counties over to get the best but also the quickest consult on a biopsy. Time is a factor now.  They keep saying that but yet nothing through this has moved quickly. 
I have so many questions but no one has any answers. I suppose this biopsy will tell at least part of the story and I fear it. 
There are two words I do NOT want to hear. 
Esophageal Cancer. 
It's a sad day when you almost welcome the thought of "Throat Cancer" as it has a few options. Hey, we will take anything that has a chance to fight against.
Michael Douglas fought it and won and so can we.

I want to Thank each and every one of you for all of the wonderful heartfelt prayers and notes. Each one makes me cry and each one is a Blessing. You are all appreciated more than you know. Just the thought that you are sending messages to God above gives me hope.
PS. Take extra time for those you love. We take each other for granted. Tomorrow is promised to no one.