The Countdown

Monday Evening
Friday it began. 
The countdown to Thursday.
To me, it's criminal to make a person wait 6 days to find out the results of the CT Scan taken on Friday.
This weekend was brutal. We did everything to keep our minds off it.
Gin Rummy. 
A race to see who could complete the USA Today Crossword first.  Watched old movies curled up together on the couch. 
It didn't help at all. It's always there. 
Haunting your mind. 
Taking your breath away. One minute convinced the outcome will be perfect. Then in the next instant, dashed to depths of despair that it won't be.
Our appointment on Thursday is at 10:00 and I may not have any eyelashes left by then from stress and worry.
You see, this test will show if the cancer is gone or not. Did the treatments work? All of the pain and trauma? Will it be good news?
So, basically, we will get a 
"You will live" or a "You will not live"
verdict. 
Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around that.
To look at dying so close and personal? 
Someone asked me in the comments about Henry's anti-nausea medicine. Is the dose strong enough?
It's not that sadly.
It's when he tries to swallow. Tries to brush his teeth, sip water.
He says he gags. 
The tiniest sip of water goes down then comes right back up.
(He hasn't drank water or eaten by mouth in over 3 months)
He says he feels something back there and it chokes him.
(I cringe just writing these words down)
My hope is that it's dead cancer stuck back there. Cancer that was killed by the radiation. Cancer just stuck  there doing nothing but being dead.
Please be DEAD! Please don't show up on a CT Scan as alive!


The doctor's words are our future. 
I wonder if I will whoop in glee or melt into a puddle of crying blubber on the floor of the office. 
If this is this hard for ME... Imagine how it must feel to be Henry?
I can't even.
So... We wait.
We continue to play cards, do the crossword and watch movies with Thursday, 10:00 on our minds.....

Waiting...

Now that we have done what we were ordered to do by the powers that be, our doctor, we sit and we wait. Why am I adding myself to this equation? Because I can. When a loved one gets sick, it effects everyone not just the ill one so I suppose I'm allowed to say I am a part of it all even tho I don't want to be. I am on the outside looking in. blah blah blah.
The doctor ordered CT Scans and blood work and clinical exams but we have been at this almost a week now and do we know what is going on any more than we did on Day 1 ? NO!


As women, we are programmed to fix things. Fight the things that hurt those we love. 
What am I fighting here? 
I haven't got a clue! That is the worst, most helpless feeling ever! I have my sleeves rolled up, my fierce fighting  face on and here I sit....
I cancelled my entire life not knowing what to do next. 
I had a court case today at 2:00 but was in the doctor's office. Again. I was to fly to Tampa yesterday but was too worried to leave. My husband says he wants to buy me a new car. Am I excited by that? No.  We have a wedding to go to on Saturday. Do we go? Do we kick up our heels and dance and try to ignore this big black elephant that is sitting on top of us?
I see this dark black hole in our lives and it is called our FUTURE? Am I being dramatic? Probably.
Everything. I mean every little thing is riding on the outcome of these tests. 
Family, friends, the people that are a part of our lives want answers. How is he? What do the doctors say?
He's ..... I'll be damned if I know.

The lumps on his neck are growing. What was once 3 lumps is now 5 lumps. What was once the size of a lime is now the size of a larger lime. The bloody noses have all but stopped. He still coughs up small amounts of blood but it's not as scary as it used to be. His voice is getting worse and his difficulty swallowing is an issue that is getting more to be concerned about daily and what are we doing about it?
NOTHING!!!!!
I want to cuss and poke someone right in the nose!
Ok, deep breath.
The weekend is coming and what will we do about it? Again, nothing. Get up each day and do what we have been doing.
Here is my husbands quote of the week.  
"Life's journey is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 
"Holy Shit!... What a Ride!"
I like his style and told him, "Let's fly to Pompeii. Let's spend the next 3 days in Australia. 
Let's go do something really crazy." 
Where is he right now? Back at work.  At his desk putting out fires and solving problems. 


I want to make a video. Yeah, one about how I do my hair. 
It seems so lame so I won't.