Waiting...

Now that we have done what we were ordered to do by the powers that be, our doctor, we sit and we wait. Why am I adding myself to this equation? Because I can. When a loved one gets sick, it effects everyone not just the ill one so I suppose I'm allowed to say I am a part of it all even tho I don't want to be. I am on the outside looking in. blah blah blah.
The doctor ordered CT Scans and blood work and clinical exams but we have been at this almost a week now and do we know what is going on any more than we did on Day 1 ? NO!


As women, we are programmed to fix things. Fight the things that hurt those we love. 
What am I fighting here? 
I haven't got a clue! That is the worst, most helpless feeling ever! I have my sleeves rolled up, my fierce fighting  face on and here I sit....
I cancelled my entire life not knowing what to do next. 
I had a court case today at 2:00 but was in the doctor's office. Again. I was to fly to Tampa yesterday but was too worried to leave. My husband says he wants to buy me a new car. Am I excited by that? No.  We have a wedding to go to on Saturday. Do we go? Do we kick up our heels and dance and try to ignore this big black elephant that is sitting on top of us?
I see this dark black hole in our lives and it is called our FUTURE? Am I being dramatic? Probably.
Everything. I mean every little thing is riding on the outcome of these tests. 
Family, friends, the people that are a part of our lives want answers. How is he? What do the doctors say?
He's ..... I'll be damned if I know.

The lumps on his neck are growing. What was once 3 lumps is now 5 lumps. What was once the size of a lime is now the size of a larger lime. The bloody noses have all but stopped. He still coughs up small amounts of blood but it's not as scary as it used to be. His voice is getting worse and his difficulty swallowing is an issue that is getting more to be concerned about daily and what are we doing about it?
NOTHING!!!!!
I want to cuss and poke someone right in the nose!
Ok, deep breath.
The weekend is coming and what will we do about it? Again, nothing. Get up each day and do what we have been doing.
Here is my husbands quote of the week.  
"Life's journey is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 
"Holy Shit!... What a Ride!"
I like his style and told him, "Let's fly to Pompeii. Let's spend the next 3 days in Australia. 
Let's go do something really crazy." 
Where is he right now? Back at work.  At his desk putting out fires and solving problems. 


I want to make a video. Yeah, one about how I do my hair. 
It seems so lame so I won't.

  

A Journey of Fear

Today I'm writing this blog more as a way to write a note to myself. I want to cry and scream and do SOMETHING! But what?
My best friend, my husband seems to be in trouble. I know I say things about him at times in my videos to be funny but this isn't funny. 
He has been my "straight man" for years now. You know, the one that laughs at my corny jokes and keeps it all in perspective but I see him laughing and trying to hide it. 
Poor man. He's had to live with me for so long. He tells me daily that no one laughs harder at my silliness than me and he's right. I met and fell in love with him because he makes me laugh. Daily. He is my light. He keeps me from spinning out of control.


Lately, he has had these spells where he coughs up blood but never says a word about it to anyone. (I see traces in the bathroom) Now bloody noses every day. His appetite isn't what it used to be, his voice is raspy, difficulty swallowing and most upsetting of all both sides of his neck have these massive lumps. The one on the left is the size of a lime! 
Finally, FINALLY,  this last Thursday he agreed to go see our family doctor. My husband never goes to the doctor and never ever complains. Ever! I stub my toe and will complain for a week. 
Our doctor was even scared. I could tell from his reactions to the symptoms.
He has a CT Scan scheduled for Tuesday. To say I am not worried is an exaggeration to say the least.
I looked on-line for signs and symptoms relating to what he is going thru and that scared me even more! I had to slam my laptop closed and cry. Michael Douglas.
His mom is 95 and in a nursing home. He is a workaholic and...
 Oh, there are so many things I could write to the good of this wonderful man but it makes me cry. I refuse to cry when he's around. 
I'm scared.
I can't even imagine his fears. The worst part is not knowing. This isn't happening to ME but I've never felt such fear.
Tuesday seems light years from now. I want to blink my eyes and have this all be a dream. Forever the optimist I pray for a good outcome.  
Dear God....