Today
Thursday Sept 22
I drug my laptop out to the front porch on this beautiful autumn day to write this.
Dappled sunlight peeking thru the almost century old trees in the front yard. Light breeze. Crisp air
You can almost smell fall's impending arrival today. Fall is my 3rd least favorite season.
Everything is dying....
My Mother-In-Law passed away.
Our good friend with brain cancer did too.
My husband and I didn't even attend either funeral. Not that we didn't care or want to be there to show support and say good-bye to these two wonderful souls....
You see, the day they died, My poor husband was battling his own illness and was crouched once again in front of the lavatory puking his guts up. His blood values so poor that hugging or shaking the hands of loved ones that did come to pay their respects would have and could have been deadly.
Infection.
I truly think his Mom wouldn't have minded a bit that we weren't there for her on that last day. Our friend wouldn't have cared either.
Funerals and graveyards and sadness. They are my envelope these days and if I don't put that stamp on them and seal them up tight, what does it even matter? It doesn't.
September 15th came and went but the appointments to check and scan and scope didn't happen for us. My husband refused.
He hasn't given up, he simply doesn't want to know or deal.
I have been nudging him more as each day passes.
"We really ought to make a phone call to see what is happening with you."
Limbo is a fabulous place to be but some days it is more like Purgatory. Not knowing what next month or next week or tomorrow or even 30 minutes from now will be is no good way to live.
Last Saturday I had reached my absolute limit.
My curling iron took the brunt of it and now looks more like the letter "C" than any kind of hair styling tool since I banged it over and over and over on my vanity table until it was DEAD.
Repeating over and over with each blow the word
DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD.
My heart feels dead. My mother in law is dead.
Our lives and our future seems dead.
Do I exaggerate? Too much Drama?
Ha~
Try it for a week.
Live it for a month.
Experience it with a loved one.
I feel like we are living in a pressure cooker and the lid blew straight off the top on Saturday.
I get so many notes and phone calls from amazing friends that say,
"Just hire someone. Pay a nurse to come feed him via the tube for a day or even two. Hire someone to give him his meds and clean up the puke and do what you are doing daily. Get out of that house!
Go LIVE!"
Ya, right.... How in the name of God do you PAY to have someone hold your husbands hand or rub his shoulders as he hurls up two days of meals? Will someone that doesn't truly love him bother to wipe his mouth and give him comfort when he's hurting?
How do you PAY to have a nurse LOVE your man for you?
My answer, at least for me... You don't.
I did what any red blooded American wife would do in time of crisis and frustration.
I took the credit card and Went Shopping!
Boy, did I shop. It felt so good. So wrong yet so right.
I returned home after a 2 hour binge at the mall.
It was my version of Shopping Fast and Shopping Furious.
Sephora, Saks, Neiman Marcus, Macy's.
Pure Bliss and forgetfulness and racks and shelves of normalcy.
You know how you lay in bed in the quiet of the night right before you go to sleep but instead you and your spouse talk?
Some of our best talks are at that time. Heart to heart in-depth talks.
Two nights ago, holding hands in the dark, we made the decision to finally call the doctors in two weeks and get the ball rolling once again. See what and where we are in this disease.
Is the cancer gone?
Two weeks.
The phone rang yesterday morning.
It was the oncologist's office.
"We have you scheduled for your scans on Friday after blood work at the lab. Be there at 12:45. Expect the scans to last 4 hours. Then, you have an appointment on Thursday the 29th with the doctor to discuss your results."
Friday.
Tomorrow.
We will have the results on Thursday, next week.
I think we both want to rush back to the safe cocoon of our ignorance now that it's out of our hands.
I WILL get him to that appointment tomorrow.
I will!
We are both so Nervous. Anxious. Fearful.
Fingers Crossed.....
Showing posts with label cancer blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer blog. Show all posts
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Round 3 and Still Fighting
Thursday
Not sure of the time but don't really care.
Mid Morning lets say.
Thursdays are busy.
As usual, first stop: The Blood Lab for blood work and to check BUN, creatinine levels and white blood counts, potassium, magnesium etc.
We arrive 5 minutes late because I spent too much time applying nail polish. I actually spilled the bottle all over my pretty white bathroom. Two months ago, I would have been livid at myself but today all I care about is being late and causing the day to be late from the start.
10 minutes to take blood from the IV Port and then off to radiation. We are now more than half way thru. They told us he doesn't have to fulfill the entire 9 weeks now and only 8. Yippee! Or... Hmmm, why is that? I'll ask that question tomorrow or perhaps never.
Henry has lost so much weight that his dreaded mask no longer fits his face and they now have an issue with it. His throat is bright red as if he has spent 6 weeks straight in the hot Gobi Dessert sun with no water, just blaring white-hot sun to the throat and neck. Absolutely zero saliva, dry mouth and earaches. No taste and raspy voice. Sores appearing inside the mouth and on his tongue. Oh Ouch. My heart breaks.
No food now for over a month. I can't imagine not eating for a day let alone an entire month!
On Mondays and Fridays, the doctor wants us to always have a visit to see how things are going. Most all of the lymph nodes involved in the neck have shrunk. You can actually see the effects from the radiation. All but one that is. One was so large it seemed to be growing and creeping up his jawline to almost the eye socket. The doctor measured it on Monday and it showed no signs of taking a quick exit like from a burning aircraft. It's exactly the same size. All week this week the machine has been mal-functioning so it seems like they are doing over-kill on everyone. That's the rumor in the waiting room anyway.
Radiation is over for the day so we take the short walk across campus once again for our fun stint in the puke green chairs for chemo. Joy.
After a quick weigh in and a consult with the Nurse Practitioner we find the BUN and Magnesium levels are off but the chemo will proceed for today but most likely won't happen next week as it will instead be an infusion of Magnesium and who knows what else.
While there, I got the brilliant idea to ask what the couple from New York asked last week to get the precise staging for this crappy evil disease we are fighting so hard against.
She gives us a quick but thorough lesson on Cancer Staging.
Here's the run down.
Complicated, huh?
When I asked the Nurse Practitioner which one my husband has ... she told me the last two that I underlined and highlighted.
OMG.
I am on my macbook now but too confused and worried to go check out the statistics etc right now. We are 3 hours in and 3.5 hours more to go.
My husband just had to ask "Ok, if next week, I am not well enough or my blood levels are not right, is it like I didn't get my homework handed in on time and it's just an automatic "F" and that's it or do I have to stay after and do a detention later to make it up?"
The nurses all laughed and said "No, you will just be one less chemo treatment. No makeup work."
That sounds well and good but with the way I worry I am concerned this crap may come back and then what?
His staging looks horrible to me, the radiation machine malfunctions and now one less chemo treatment?
Perhaps I just over worry. I am now worrying that I worry too much. Premature wrinkles?
*sigh*
I'll go check out these stages and survival rates and if I don't pass out from what I discover, I will write on here soon.
Have a wonderful weekend and if I miss a few days, we are fine and probably just resting.
(I still want to escape to Pompeii)
A Girl can Dream, right?
Not sure of the time but don't really care.
Mid Morning lets say.
Thursdays are busy.
As usual, first stop: The Blood Lab for blood work and to check BUN, creatinine levels and white blood counts, potassium, magnesium etc.
We arrive 5 minutes late because I spent too much time applying nail polish. I actually spilled the bottle all over my pretty white bathroom. Two months ago, I would have been livid at myself but today all I care about is being late and causing the day to be late from the start.
10 minutes to take blood from the IV Port and then off to radiation. We are now more than half way thru. They told us he doesn't have to fulfill the entire 9 weeks now and only 8. Yippee! Or... Hmmm, why is that? I'll ask that question tomorrow or perhaps never.
Henry has lost so much weight that his dreaded mask no longer fits his face and they now have an issue with it. His throat is bright red as if he has spent 6 weeks straight in the hot Gobi Dessert sun with no water, just blaring white-hot sun to the throat and neck. Absolutely zero saliva, dry mouth and earaches. No taste and raspy voice. Sores appearing inside the mouth and on his tongue. Oh Ouch. My heart breaks.
No food now for over a month. I can't imagine not eating for a day let alone an entire month!
On Mondays and Fridays, the doctor wants us to always have a visit to see how things are going. Most all of the lymph nodes involved in the neck have shrunk. You can actually see the effects from the radiation. All but one that is. One was so large it seemed to be growing and creeping up his jawline to almost the eye socket. The doctor measured it on Monday and it showed no signs of taking a quick exit like from a burning aircraft. It's exactly the same size. All week this week the machine has been mal-functioning so it seems like they are doing over-kill on everyone. That's the rumor in the waiting room anyway.
Radiation is over for the day so we take the short walk across campus once again for our fun stint in the puke green chairs for chemo. Joy.
After a quick weigh in and a consult with the Nurse Practitioner we find the BUN and Magnesium levels are off but the chemo will proceed for today but most likely won't happen next week as it will instead be an infusion of Magnesium and who knows what else.
While there, I got the brilliant idea to ask what the couple from New York asked last week to get the precise staging for this crappy evil disease we are fighting so hard against.
She gives us a quick but thorough lesson on Cancer Staging.
Here's the run down.
2002 American Joint Committee on Cancer (AJCC) TNM Staging System for the Pharynx (Including Base of Tongue,Soft Palate, and Uvula) T1: Tumor 2 cm or less in greatest dimension T2: Tumor more than 2 cm but not more than 4 cm in greatest dimension T3:Tumor more than 4 cm in greatest dimension T4a: Tumor invades the larynx, deep/extrinsic muscle of tongue, medial pterygoid, hard palate, or mandible T4b: Tumor invades lateral pterygoid muscle, pterygoid plates, lateral nasopharynx, or skull base or encases carotid artery |
Nx: Regional lymph nodes cannot be assessed N0: No regional lymph node metastasis N1: Metastasis in a single ipsilateral lymph node, 3 cm or less in greatest dimension N2: Metastasis in a single ipsilateral lymph node, more than 3cm but not more than 6 cm in greatest dimension, or in multiple ipsilateral lymph nodes, none more than 6 cm in greatest dimension, or in bilateral or contralateral lymph nodes, none more than 6 cm in greatest dimension N2a: Metastasis in a single ipsilateral lymph node more than 3cm but not more than 6 cm in greatest dimension N2b: Metastasis in multiple ipsilateral lymph nodes, none more than 6 cm in greatest dimension N2c: Metastasis in bilateral or contralateral lymph nodes, none more than 6 cm in greatest dimension N3: Metastasis in a lymph node more than 6 cm in greatest dimension |
Stage 0: Tis N0 M0 Stage I: T1 N0 M0 Stage II: T2 N0 M0 Stage III: T3 N0 M0, T1 N1 M0, T2 N1 M0, T3 N1 M0 Stage IVa: T4a N0 M0, T4a N1 M0, T1 N2 M0, T2 N2 M0, T3 N2 M0, T4a N2 M0 Stage IVb: T4b Any N M0, Any T N3 M0 Stage IVc: Any T Any N M1 |
Complicated, huh?
When I asked the Nurse Practitioner which one my husband has ... she told me the last two that I underlined and highlighted.
OMG.
I am on my macbook now but too confused and worried to go check out the statistics etc right now. We are 3 hours in and 3.5 hours more to go.
My husband just had to ask "Ok, if next week, I am not well enough or my blood levels are not right, is it like I didn't get my homework handed in on time and it's just an automatic "F" and that's it or do I have to stay after and do a detention later to make it up?"
The nurses all laughed and said "No, you will just be one less chemo treatment. No makeup work."
That sounds well and good but with the way I worry I am concerned this crap may come back and then what?
His staging looks horrible to me, the radiation machine malfunctions and now one less chemo treatment?
Perhaps I just over worry. I am now worrying that I worry too much. Premature wrinkles?
*sigh*
I'll go check out these stages and survival rates and if I don't pass out from what I discover, I will write on here soon.
Have a wonderful weekend and if I miss a few days, we are fine and probably just resting.
(I still want to escape to Pompeii)
A Girl can Dream, right?
Friday, July 1, 2011
We're Going To Blow Something UP Today!
Friday 10:00 a.m.
4th of July Weekend
4th Radiation Treatment
Upside:
Today is a 3 day weekend so we will get a small reprieve from the grueling schedule of 3 doctor appointments, scans, blood tests, and consults a day.
Thank You God!
Downside:
One less day to shrink cancer cells.
Henry had his brain CT Scan yesterday and I have to admit it has been weighing on my mind. Heavily. Like a ten ton Boeing 757.
While he was in having the scan, the tech came out to the waiting room to gently ask me to move to a different room way down the hall.
Why? What's wrong? Are they afraid I will hear something?
Some word or hint that the tumor has traveled to my husband's brain?
I keep peeking out of my long distance waiting room. I see what looks like a gurney with a body on it but it's heading in the opposite direction of the MRI Imaging room my husband is in. Whew.
I see the woman that hugged me from the very 1st Radiation treatment. She doesn't seem as upbeat today as she was on Tuesday. Her eyes seem to light up just a hint when she spots me. She slowly, painfully comes nearer.
"How are you?" I ask.
In a bare whisper she tells me her sister is coming for the Holiday weekend.
"Yay!"
I say in response. She seems so down today.
So Dim. Unlike the glowing angel that God seemed to have sent before.
"Yes, it will be good to see her. She will have gotten back from a cruise to Alaska. I was supposed to go on that trip but Lung Cancer stopped me. I found out I had it the day after we bought the tickets."
"Oh, but you can go with her on the next trip!" I say with a lighthearted grin.
"Darlin, there will not be any more trips for me. I was just told my cancer has spread to my brain."
No!!!!
Not her brain. My husband is in the room down the hall getting his radiation treatment and we are waiting to get the results if this has traveled to his brain too.
Please not him. Please not HER! God WHY?
Beautiful, normal, kind people should not ever get this disease. No one should!
Send it to Al Qaeda. Bottle it and give it to baby killers not these gentle souls!
She hugs me again only today she seems so weak. She takes my face in both her hands and says "It's Gods way. I am not afraid. I'm tired. You fight. It's life. Life is Good."
Her eyes are so beautiful and she slowly walks away.
I hope I see her again. You see, I'm not a newbie today. I am beginning to feel like a veteran now. 4 days down and 36 more to go.
My husband has been gone a while. Too long.
Hmmm. A nurse comes to get me. Oh God.
The results of the Brain Scan?
I walk with her back into a long corridor. I see my husband sitting slumped low in a chair. He looks as nervous as I do. Dread.
I have decided that IF this vile cancer has spread to his brain we will need to have a talk about a whole different direction. Chemo can not KILL cancer cells in the brain, Radiation only SHRINKS them. My husband only has the ONE shot at radiation. His spinal cord is dangerously close to being fried the way it is. To add more to his head would be too much and chemo can't touch it. Why go thru ALL of the pain and torture of Radiation and chemo only to die of brain cancer in a few months anyway? Decisions.
The nurse leaves us alone together in the room and softly closes the door. The oncologist will be in shortly. All we can do is stare at each other across the room. What words can you possibly say to each other when gripped in absolute fear? The results of this test are holding our near future in the balance.
When I say go in a whole new direction... I mean to do nothing. Just let the cancer eat him alive and the tumors will suffocate him.
Death in 3 minutes but a very rough 3 minutes.
Tick tick tick. I can hear the clock on the wall. It seems as if we are suspended in time and fear. Waiting.
Footsteps outside the door. No!
Don't open the door. Stay Out! Go Away!
We can just live in this room forever. No one enter.
If the door remains closed, it will not come to us.
My heart has stopped as the doctor comes in and sits down in her swivel chair and pulls it close with it's squeaky wheels that seem so loud as they scrape along the linoleum.
She takes my husband's hand.
"Henry, How are you feeling? Any concerns?"
Concerns? CONCERNS?
He can't even verbalize it. I stand up.
Quickly Erect.
"What does the Brain Scan show?" I seemed to scream it. High pitched and desperate. Feral.
"Your Brain Scan shows NOTHING" she says.
"We will proceed as normal."
The sighs of relief in the room are palpable. Our eyes lock in a second of victory. It hasn't spread!
I swear to each and every one of you that has read this and uttered even a short prayer to God above that what you have done is a miracle and I am so thankful. Positivity. The notes and letters have been our lifeline. We feel you with us. We know we are not alone. Each and every one of you is with us on this journey and we welcome you. You seem to be behind us... Pushing us. Forward. Strength from You.
We Thank You!
I got the 20 years I had lost in these last worried days back today.
We are going to go out BLOW Something UP!!!!!!
Life is Good.
Tuesday we get a second opinion. The doctor we are going to see is the one that treated Lance Armstrong and he is in remission. (The cancer had spread to his brain as well but he beat it!)
Our good friend and former Indianapolis Colts Quarterback pulled some major strings and got us in to see her. The usual wait time is months not days. This same doctor successfully treated his mother with Breast Cancer.
Thank You!
(Do you notice a pattern here? All of these remarkable doctors are Women!) Education.
4th of July Weekend
4th Radiation Treatment
Upside:
Today is a 3 day weekend so we will get a small reprieve from the grueling schedule of 3 doctor appointments, scans, blood tests, and consults a day.
Thank You God!
Downside:
One less day to shrink cancer cells.
Henry had his brain CT Scan yesterday and I have to admit it has been weighing on my mind. Heavily. Like a ten ton Boeing 757.
While he was in having the scan, the tech came out to the waiting room to gently ask me to move to a different room way down the hall.
Why? What's wrong? Are they afraid I will hear something?
Some word or hint that the tumor has traveled to my husband's brain?
I keep peeking out of my long distance waiting room. I see what looks like a gurney with a body on it but it's heading in the opposite direction of the MRI Imaging room my husband is in. Whew.
I see the woman that hugged me from the very 1st Radiation treatment. She doesn't seem as upbeat today as she was on Tuesday. Her eyes seem to light up just a hint when she spots me. She slowly, painfully comes nearer.
"How are you?" I ask.
In a bare whisper she tells me her sister is coming for the Holiday weekend.
"Yay!"
I say in response. She seems so down today.
So Dim. Unlike the glowing angel that God seemed to have sent before.
"Yes, it will be good to see her. She will have gotten back from a cruise to Alaska. I was supposed to go on that trip but Lung Cancer stopped me. I found out I had it the day after we bought the tickets."
"Oh, but you can go with her on the next trip!" I say with a lighthearted grin.
"Darlin, there will not be any more trips for me. I was just told my cancer has spread to my brain."
No!!!!
Not her brain. My husband is in the room down the hall getting his radiation treatment and we are waiting to get the results if this has traveled to his brain too.
Please not him. Please not HER! God WHY?
Beautiful, normal, kind people should not ever get this disease. No one should!
Send it to Al Qaeda. Bottle it and give it to baby killers not these gentle souls!
She hugs me again only today she seems so weak. She takes my face in both her hands and says "It's Gods way. I am not afraid. I'm tired. You fight. It's life. Life is Good."
Her eyes are so beautiful and she slowly walks away.
I hope I see her again. You see, I'm not a newbie today. I am beginning to feel like a veteran now. 4 days down and 36 more to go.
My husband has been gone a while. Too long.
Hmmm. A nurse comes to get me. Oh God.
The results of the Brain Scan?
I walk with her back into a long corridor. I see my husband sitting slumped low in a chair. He looks as nervous as I do. Dread.
I have decided that IF this vile cancer has spread to his brain we will need to have a talk about a whole different direction. Chemo can not KILL cancer cells in the brain, Radiation only SHRINKS them. My husband only has the ONE shot at radiation. His spinal cord is dangerously close to being fried the way it is. To add more to his head would be too much and chemo can't touch it. Why go thru ALL of the pain and torture of Radiation and chemo only to die of brain cancer in a few months anyway? Decisions.
The nurse leaves us alone together in the room and softly closes the door. The oncologist will be in shortly. All we can do is stare at each other across the room. What words can you possibly say to each other when gripped in absolute fear? The results of this test are holding our near future in the balance.
When I say go in a whole new direction... I mean to do nothing. Just let the cancer eat him alive and the tumors will suffocate him.
Death in 3 minutes but a very rough 3 minutes.
Tick tick tick. I can hear the clock on the wall. It seems as if we are suspended in time and fear. Waiting.
Footsteps outside the door. No!
Don't open the door. Stay Out! Go Away!
We can just live in this room forever. No one enter.
If the door remains closed, it will not come to us.
My heart has stopped as the doctor comes in and sits down in her swivel chair and pulls it close with it's squeaky wheels that seem so loud as they scrape along the linoleum.
She takes my husband's hand.
"Henry, How are you feeling? Any concerns?"
Concerns? CONCERNS?
He can't even verbalize it. I stand up.
Quickly Erect.
"What does the Brain Scan show?" I seemed to scream it. High pitched and desperate. Feral.
"Your Brain Scan shows NOTHING" she says.
"We will proceed as normal."
The sighs of relief in the room are palpable. Our eyes lock in a second of victory. It hasn't spread!
I swear to each and every one of you that has read this and uttered even a short prayer to God above that what you have done is a miracle and I am so thankful. Positivity. The notes and letters have been our lifeline. We feel you with us. We know we are not alone. Each and every one of you is with us on this journey and we welcome you. You seem to be behind us... Pushing us. Forward. Strength from You.
We Thank You!
I got the 20 years I had lost in these last worried days back today.
We are going to go out BLOW Something UP!!!!!!
Life is Good.
Tuesday we get a second opinion. The doctor we are going to see is the one that treated Lance Armstrong and he is in remission. (The cancer had spread to his brain as well but he beat it!)
Our good friend and former Indianapolis Colts Quarterback pulled some major strings and got us in to see her. The usual wait time is months not days. This same doctor successfully treated his mother with Breast Cancer.
Thank You!
(Do you notice a pattern here? All of these remarkable doctors are Women!) Education.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Getting My Big Girl Panties Ready for Tuesday
It's Sunday.
Yesterday and today we seem to have a bit of respite. No tests or reports.
No appointments. These two days we are calling "Our Positive Days."
Saturday. Sunday.
No thinking talking or looking at negative allowed, only positive.
If we squint our eyes really tight, I mean REAL REAL tight, these two days we can almost forget this mess. Ha! Who am I kidding? I tried it and it isn't working.
On Friday around 4:00 our family doctor and friend's office secretary called.
The Biopsy Pathology report was in..... Breathe.
What will it say?
My husband left his cell phone with me in case she calls and told me to have the results sent to
1. Our Dr. at IU Med Center
2. A Dr. we were told is the BEST at MD Anderson, Huston
3. Here. Home.
He left to go sign papers at his office (which he has neglected.)
His cell phone rings. It's the Path report. I tell the secretary who and where to fax it and she begins by telling me...
"It's Bad, Lana. Really really BAD!" I am floored.
"How Bad?" I ask.
"What about it makes it bad? Tell me. I have to know. I have to be ready before he gets home!"
She just keeps repeating those words...
"It's Bad! It's not good. It's Bad. It's Bad."
By now I am like an animal. Feral and screaming. Sobbing. Begging.
I HAVE TO KNOW!
The faxes are coming in. Page after page after page. I can't read it thru the tears and begging her for information. Medical information that I am clueless about. I have the papers but feel like a 2 year and can not READ it. What does it mean? What does it say?
She repeats over and over that it's Bad finally telling me it's against the law to tell me any information over the phone!
By now I am hysterical. About to literally climb up a wall.
"Tell me now! What does it say and what makes it so much more BAD than what we already KNOW! PLEASE!"
She hangs up saying "I can't tell you."
I go into complete and utter despair. I finally gather myself enough to call my daughter in law who is an RN and she flies here leaving my 3 grandkids and my son with a rushed message "Watch the kids. I'm outta here."
We pore over these reports watching the clock like Russian Spy Double Agents going over secret documents at the Pentagon . We can't have this report in our hands and my husband walk in the door!
It would be horrible for him to see us in such a state. I text his office to tell them:
Keep Him THERE!
This is a Pathologists reports with stains and graphs and medical lingo we don't understand. I call my brother who is an anesthesiologist but is in Singapore.
27 pages of info and we only make out a few words that jump off the pages. The fear leaves us both ice cold.
Three words jump off the pages:
Metastatic
Lung
Endocrine Carcinoma
My daughter in law and I are clutched in absolute fear. She asked me if I want her to be there when my husband does get home to tell him what the report has circled and underlined? (Medical words and phrases that may as well be written in Chinese.)
God No!
To have my sweet DIL be the one to tell him anything bad would be horrific and unfair to her. What do we do?
Do I tell him? Do I hold this secret all weekend until we see the Biopsy Surgeon on TUESDAY???? Oh my God! I will never make it to Tuesday.
My DIL leaves.
2 minutes later, my dear husband comes home and dilemma I'm in is answered the second he sees me. "You look like you just got ran over. What's wrong. What does it say"?
We read it together but thankfully, he can't make sense of it either so we wait.....
Tuesday.
Yesterday and today we seem to have a bit of respite. No tests or reports.
No appointments. These two days we are calling "Our Positive Days."
Saturday. Sunday.
No thinking talking or looking at negative allowed, only positive.
If we squint our eyes really tight, I mean REAL REAL tight, these two days we can almost forget this mess. Ha! Who am I kidding? I tried it and it isn't working.
On Friday around 4:00 our family doctor and friend's office secretary called.
The Biopsy Pathology report was in..... Breathe.
What will it say?
My husband left his cell phone with me in case she calls and told me to have the results sent to
1. Our Dr. at IU Med Center
2. A Dr. we were told is the BEST at MD Anderson, Huston
3. Here. Home.
He left to go sign papers at his office (which he has neglected.)
His cell phone rings. It's the Path report. I tell the secretary who and where to fax it and she begins by telling me...
"It's Bad, Lana. Really really BAD!" I am floored.
"How Bad?" I ask.
"What about it makes it bad? Tell me. I have to know. I have to be ready before he gets home!"
She just keeps repeating those words...
"It's Bad! It's not good. It's Bad. It's Bad."
By now I am like an animal. Feral and screaming. Sobbing. Begging.
I HAVE TO KNOW!
The faxes are coming in. Page after page after page. I can't read it thru the tears and begging her for information. Medical information that I am clueless about. I have the papers but feel like a 2 year and can not READ it. What does it mean? What does it say?
She repeats over and over that it's Bad finally telling me it's against the law to tell me any information over the phone!
By now I am hysterical. About to literally climb up a wall.
"Tell me now! What does it say and what makes it so much more BAD than what we already KNOW! PLEASE!"
She hangs up saying "I can't tell you."
I go into complete and utter despair. I finally gather myself enough to call my daughter in law who is an RN and she flies here leaving my 3 grandkids and my son with a rushed message "Watch the kids. I'm outta here."
We pore over these reports watching the clock like Russian Spy Double Agents going over secret documents at the Pentagon . We can't have this report in our hands and my husband walk in the door!
It would be horrible for him to see us in such a state. I text his office to tell them:
Keep Him THERE!
This is a Pathologists reports with stains and graphs and medical lingo we don't understand. I call my brother who is an anesthesiologist but is in Singapore.
27 pages of info and we only make out a few words that jump off the pages. The fear leaves us both ice cold.
Three words jump off the pages:
Metastatic
Lung
Endocrine Carcinoma
My daughter in law and I are clutched in absolute fear. She asked me if I want her to be there when my husband does get home to tell him what the report has circled and underlined? (Medical words and phrases that may as well be written in Chinese.)
God No!
To have my sweet DIL be the one to tell him anything bad would be horrific and unfair to her. What do we do?
Do I tell him? Do I hold this secret all weekend until we see the Biopsy Surgeon on TUESDAY???? Oh my God! I will never make it to Tuesday.
My DIL leaves.
2 minutes later, my dear husband comes home and dilemma I'm in is answered the second he sees me. "You look like you just got ran over. What's wrong. What does it say"?
We read it together but thankfully, he can't make sense of it either so we wait.....
Tuesday.
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