We're Going To Blow Something UP Today!

Friday 10:00 a.m.
4th of July Weekend
4th Radiation Treatment


Upside:
Today is a 3 day weekend so we will get a small reprieve from the grueling schedule of 3 doctor appointments, scans, blood tests, and consults a day. 
Thank You God!


Downside:
One less day to shrink cancer cells. 
Henry had his brain CT Scan yesterday and I have to admit it has been weighing on my mind. Heavily.  Like a ten ton Boeing 757.

While he was in having the scan, the tech came out to the waiting room to gently ask me to move to a different room way down the hall. 
Why? What's wrong? Are they afraid I will hear something? 
Some word or hint that the tumor has traveled to my husband's brain?
I keep peeking out of my long distance waiting room. I see what looks like a gurney with a body on it but it's heading in the opposite direction of the MRI Imaging room my husband is in. Whew.



I see the woman that hugged me from the very 1st Radiation treatment. She doesn't seem as upbeat today as she was on Tuesday. Her eyes seem to light up just a hint when she spots me.  She slowly, painfully comes nearer. 
"How are you?" I ask.
In a bare whisper she tells me her sister is coming for the Holiday weekend. 
"Yay!"
I say in response. She seems so down today. 
So Dim. Unlike the glowing angel  that God seemed to have sent before. 
"Yes, it will be good to see her. She will have gotten back from a cruise to Alaska. I was supposed to go on that trip but Lung Cancer stopped me. I found out I had it the day after we bought the tickets."
"Oh, but you can go with her on the next trip!" I say with a lighthearted grin.
"Darlin, there will not be any more trips for me. I was just told my cancer has spread to my brain."

No!!!!
Not her brain. My husband is in the room down the hall getting his radiation treatment and we are waiting to get the results if this has traveled to his brain too.
Please not him. Please not HER! God WHY?
Beautiful, normal, kind people should not ever get this disease. No one should! 
Send it to Al Qaeda. Bottle it and give it to baby killers not these gentle souls!
She hugs me again only today she seems so weak.  She takes my face in both her hands and says "It's Gods way. I am not afraid. I'm tired. You fight. It's life. Life is Good."
Her eyes are so beautiful and she slowly walks away.
I hope I see her again. You see, I'm not a newbie today. I am beginning to feel like a veteran now. 4 days down and 36 more to go.
My husband has been gone a while. Too long. 
Hmmm. A nurse comes to get me. Oh God. 
The results of the Brain Scan?
I walk with her back into a long corridor. I see my husband sitting slumped low in a chair. He looks as nervous as I do.  Dread.
I have decided that IF this vile cancer has spread to his brain we will need to have a talk about a whole different direction. Chemo can not KILL cancer cells in the brain, Radiation only SHRINKS them. My husband only has the ONE shot at radiation. His spinal cord is dangerously close to being fried the way it is. To add more to his head would be too much and chemo can't touch it. Why go thru ALL of the pain and torture of Radiation and chemo only to die of brain cancer in a few months anyway?  Decisions.
The nurse leaves us alone together in the room and softly closes the door. The oncologist will be in shortly. All we can do is stare at each other across the room. What words can you possibly say to each other when gripped in absolute fear? The results of this test are holding our near future in the balance.

When I say go in a whole new direction... I mean to do nothing. Just let the cancer eat him alive and the tumors will suffocate him. 
Death in 3 minutes but a very rough 3 minutes. 


Tick tick tick. I can hear the clock on the wall. It seems as if we are suspended in time and fear. Waiting.
Footsteps outside the door. No!
Don't open the door. Stay Out! Go Away!
We can just live in this room forever. No one enter. 
If the door remains closed, it will not come to us. 
My heart has stopped as the doctor comes in and sits down in her swivel chair and pulls it close with it's squeaky wheels that seem so loud as they scrape along the linoleum.
She takes my husband's hand.
"Henry, How are you feeling? Any concerns?"
Concerns? CONCERNS?
He can't even verbalize it.  I stand up. 
Quickly Erect. 


"What does the Brain Scan show?" I seemed to scream it. High pitched and desperate. Feral.


"Your Brain Scan shows NOTHING" she says. 
"We will proceed as normal."


The sighs of relief in the room are palpable. Our eyes lock in a second of victory. It hasn't spread!


I swear to each and every one of you that has read this and uttered even a short prayer to God above that what you have done is a miracle and I am so thankful. Positivity. The notes and letters have been our lifeline. We feel you with us. We know we are not alone. Each and every one of you is with us on this journey and we welcome you.  You seem to be behind us... Pushing us. Forward. Strength from You.
We Thank You!



I got the 20 years I had lost in these last worried days back today.
We are going to go out BLOW Something UP!!!!!!
Life is Good.
Tuesday we get a second opinion. The doctor we are going to see is the one that treated Lance Armstrong and he is in remission. (The cancer had spread to his brain as well but he beat it!)
 Our good friend and former Indianapolis Colts Quarterback pulled some major strings and got us in to see her. The usual wait time is months not days. This same doctor successfully treated his mother with Breast Cancer. 
Thank You!
(Do you notice a pattern here? All of these remarkable doctors are Women!) Education.

The Word For Today: Bleak

Today is Friday. 
I used to love Fridays. Fridays were days my husband and I would end our busy hectic week and have a "Date."
Date Night.
Fun dates for old farts?



We would get dressed up in our best. 
Pretty dresses with sparkles and sequins. 
High heeled stilettos. 
My husband always in a suit. Two people in love doing a simple thing. Enjoying a lovely dinner together and connecting. Romance.
 We found a quiet romantic French restaurant about 45 minute drive from our house or if we were both away, we would make the extra effort to save Friday for each other. Our favorite French waiter. Our very own special booth. Dark and cozy.  Candlelight. 
A romantic dinner. No discussing troubles of the week~ only absorbed in each other. It was like glue. It brought us back to us and our marriage and kept it exciting.
French Bread smothered in rich creamy butter. Baked Alaskan Salmon with a Lemon Mousseline Cream Sauce. Couscous. Grilled Asparagus. Shrimp Cocktail. Creme Brule.  
(Date Night is highly recommended even to those just dating or those married for years.) It doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant just time spent together.)

Today is an average Friday except....
Now my husbands throat hurts like mad.  The surgeon called me yesterday to check on him and told me he had to cut and used forceps during the biopsy to remove the equivalent of a shot glass full of cancerous tissue to allow him to breath until treatments start. 
De-bulked.
Pudding, scrambled soft eggs and milk shakes. Nothing romantic about that menu.
Today. Friday.  Right now. I am sitting in an Oncology Waiting Room while my beautiful husband is in a room away getting fitted for a Mask. 
Wait! What? A mask? 
After the Oncology Doctor told us untold horrors of what this radiation will do, he is set up with a mesh formfitting  mask to mark where the beams will go and more importantly hold his head and neck still when they clamp it to the table so the beams only go to the affected neck tumors.
Naturally, this lousy support system,  ME,  broke down and I had to race out of the room to sob into a very ugly painted hospital wall wailing and once again be a complete basket case.  I would never want me on my side in a crisis like this!  Strong? Ha! I'm pathetic.

Some of the symptoms of radiation to your neck and throat:
Severe sore throat.
Loss of hair
Loss of taste
Loss of saliva
Loss of teeth
Get a feeding PEG tube placed next week in the stomach to "eat" six to eight cans of Boost or Ensure a day. 
Loss of feeling in your mouth,  tongue and throat.
No shaving. (I used to love to watch my husband shave. It is such a manly ritual.)

No After-Shave. (I love to see and smell his face with Old Spice or whatever the cologne of the day is. Real men smell good)
No lotions, sprays or any other products anywhere near the head or neck to avoid extreme skin reactions. 
All of this five days a week for 7 to 8 weeks. Treatment to begin in a week or so after a trip to MD Anderson in Huston for a second opinion.
I don't paint a pretty picture, huh? The word for today is Bleak.
Well, this is just Radiation Oncology.... Monday is Chemotherapy Oncology. 
That's where the bad really begins...
I need to get my Big Girl Panties on and be ready for Monday.  Chemo is no joke either.
Watching someone you love and to see and know how bleak the future looks in regards to THEIR pain and suffering, is as difficult as it gets. My very heart is breaking.
If I could in ANY way take this cancer and it's difficult treatment and do all of this for him, I would jump at the chance.

Where ARE my Big Girl Panties anyway????