The Power of Love Part 1

The Power of Love

I'm sorry I haven't made a YouTube video in such a long time. My heart hasn't been in it lately but I will return.
That's not why I'm writing today. I want to tell of you of the sweetest love story I know. One that makes me cry while typing this out.

In October a few years back I wrote about my beautiful friend Candy and her survival story of Breast Cancer. 
Sadly she passed away last week. 
She won and fought for so long. Her breast cancer showed it's ugly face when she was in her 30's. After her mastectomy, she had breast reconstruction surgery. The plastic surgeon tunneled fat from her tummy and formed a new breast from that fat. 
All was wonderful.
She was alive and felt whole again after the dreadful loss of a breast. (All of us as women know how painful a loss  that would be)
28 years later, about a year ago,  Candy began experiencing horrible pain in her stomach. The cancer had a trail to go to and it was now in her stomach lining. She was in for the fight of her life. She went thru chemo and more chemo. So much chemo that her fingertips turned black and were numb. She lost her hair and it grew back, more chemo and gone again.
Finally, her doctors told her there was nothing more they could do. They sent her home with a morphine pump and a bag to go to the bathroom in....

Candy had been married for years to the man of her heart. Her soulmate Dan. She loved him with all of her being. He loved his booze and other illegal things.  They divorced but Candy never stopped  her love and affection for Dan. She did everything to mend the relationship but it was not to be. Dan loved her too but had other loves.

The doctors told hospice no more food or water for Candy. She would lie in bed wracked in pain and ask about her one love, Dan.
For 5 weeks Candy hung on. There was no medical reason for her to still be here. Still be on Earth, still alive, still loving Dan.
Every day she asked for him. 

The doctors and nurses were amazed she was still clinging to life.

Everyone would say, "What is she waiting for?"

She was waiting for Dan!

Last week Candy took her last breath. Her beautiful heart stopped beating. 
When we knew she was gone, we were all so sad but so relieved she was no longer suffering. No longer in pain....
She was gone.
We got the call later that night that Dan had died. 
6 hours after Candy took her last breath at home. Dan died in a hospital emergency room 2 miles away from liver failure. 
Candy was waiting on Dan.
The most ironic part of all.....
They both died on their wedding anniversary!
Their daughter Dani lost her mother and her father all in one night.
6 hours apart.

I truly believe in my heart that Candy waited on Dan. Her heart knew he would need her where they were going. I believe and all of her family and friends believe that her love for him waited to hold his hand and take him to eternity together.
I write this sobbing. 
A more pure love story could not be made up like this. I think love can be as strong as the Heaven's.

Next time I write I want to tell you how my darling husband helped me from his grave. It was like he was guiding me. Helping me. I'm too emotional right now to tell it all but it's a powerful love story too.
Until next time... 
Cherish those you love like there's no tomorrow. 

I love you all. 

Vampire Face Lift

Vampire Face Lift

So, I did a video a week or so ago after being away from YouTube for well over a year.
It was very liberating and fun! 
I was back.
I missed all of you so much and especially missed the "friendships" that I have developed thru the years on the web with all of you.
I truly did miss you and thought of you many times. But... I digress.

The first video back, I was a nervous wreck. 
Would I still be able to sit in my bathroom in front of my little "Flip-Cam" and talk to you in coherent sentences? 

I did it!
I was back.
I can do it and loved doing it. The interactions from you are what I missed most. Sweet, beautiful comments and so much love! 
I was back.

Being caretaker to a dying loved one can and will take it's toll. You hair goes dull, your mind loses it's sharpness.  Your looks go hollow.
You can either gain or lose weight.
I gained! Boy did I gain!

Then... he died.
I lost.
I lost so much including weight.

My features seemed to crumble and when I looked in the mirror 6 months later, I didn't even recognize myself. 
After my husband's death, I was convinced I had less than 6 months to live. 
I planned my funeral down to the last detail. Gave  my boys explicit instructions on what to do with my estate and all of my worldly possessions.
I was going to be gone anyway, why bother with living? Why buy anything or worry about how I looked. 
My clothes hung off me by now. 
I had lost 35 pounds by the time I finally woke up!
Who was I anymore?

I decided I needed outside help STAT!
After being in Florida, I went to see a wonderful doctor and his work seemed to be a miracle in my life. 
I am not going to die!
I am 57 years old. I have a lot of living to do. 
I joined a gym. 
I made an appointment at a Rejuva spa and my entire outlook changed that day. 
I was back!!

The doctor told me of a procedure that uses your own blood and spins it down to a serum of platelet rich plasma that he injects into your face to fill in hollows and form an under the skin roadmap to rebuild valuable collagen and a network of Fibrin Matrix under the skin. 

In one simple sentence....
Within one to three months of treatment, Selphyl reverses the ravages of time. Damage from age and weather begin to disappear.
They call this the Vampire Face Lift because it uses your own blood to give you a non-surgical facelift!

Here's how it went for me:
I agreed to to have my doctor perform the procedure. He asked me if I wanted a Dental Block for the pain? 
Uhmmm. Yes!
He injected a numbing agent into the gum line on top and bottom. 3 shots to the gums upper and 3 shots to the lower and my entire mouth was numb. I felt as if I had eaten a case of frozen Popscicles. 
While that was taking effect he took 3 vials of blood from my arm. No pain no gain, right?

The blood vials he puts into a centrifuge (looks like a toaster oven) to spin the blood to a clear serum. The precious vials of clear liquid he sets on a sterile tray.
By now, my mouth has no feeling. 
My tongue. 
Is it dangling out of the corner of my face? 
I haven't got a clue. I can't feel a thing.
In a series of quick shots with many needles (probably 50) he injects my own cells back into me only now into my haggard face. 
Nothing foreign. It's all mine!
He explains that it will be days or even weeks before I see results. The network of stem cells are in place and can begin doing their job. 
My mouth and face are numb. I look like I stuck my face into a very large bee hive on a sunny day and got the crap stung out of me. 

I get no real instructions except not to use my Clairsonic for 24 hours. 

Total cost?
$1200.00
One more dose in two months at half that price.
$600.00
________ 
$1,800.00 to rewind your face 10- 15 years?
Some bruising that fades each day but is easily covered with a good concealer.
I go back to work the next day.

2 Weeks Later:
Every day I wake up and see a subtle difference. It's not really like a filler but it's more a softening of your face. 
This morning I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection there,
"Well, Hello! Who are you?
Where did you come from? 
I don't know but I like you!"
I am back!

I am very pleased with the results and will go back in 4 weeks for the 2nd round. Results generally last 3 years. 
That's a long time. 3 years.
I hope this answers any questions you may have. I will drag my camera along on my next visit and film it. 
I love you all. xo

"No Cry" Days

The old saying is that a widow should not buy anything or sell anything for a year after her husbands death. No major decisions to made within that 365 day exile. 
Blah.
So... I tried that for 3 months. It blows!
What? Sit and look at walls? Wear black for months and go to the cemetery? Not smile or chat or laugh?
I did all that too.
It's exhausting and it does nothing more than cement into your skull that your man is gone. It is all a constant reminder of sadness. Don't get me wrong. I am sad. I cry on people.
Oh Lord do I cry on poor unsuspecting people!

I went to see my dentist. I had neglected most everything about myself so it was time. My dentist is also a friend. He entered the exam room with my x-rays in hand, said hello, touched my arm and in 1.3 seconds, I was blubbering all over his scrub-shirt. Not just the pretty tears that fall from your eyes like in movies but the full-on sobbing UGLY cry. 
(I may have to switch dentists now I am so embarrassed)
Same with my Priest. My postman. My Veterinarian.  The cashier at the grocery...
The list goes on, I am sorry to say.
Hey.. I think I we get a pass when we lose a loved one. 
So, back to better news...
I decided to break all of the rules of being a widow.
I always claimed to be a "rule-breaker" so why stop now?
I'm done caring if people in my community judge me for crying too much. 
I hear them whispering... 
"Oh look, she cries too much. Her black dress is so big on her. She looks awful. Her eyes are red.
She's lost weight. She's aged 10 years."

Oh, Bite Me!

If people have so much to say about YOUR life... That says very little about their own, right?

Words to live by.
I haven't got all the answers on how to act or what to do. I never have! We just do what we can. Life is short. I plan on living each and every day in honor of my husband but to the fullest.
So... 
I ran away from home!
It's so liberating. I am going back in a week.
Don't want to but have to...
Some of Henry's old football players from the Denver Broncos and basketball buddies from Purdue are honoring him with a benefit memorial. All proceeds will go to the Purdue Athletic Department in his name. It will be a sad and emotional day but I have my Big Girl Panties all picked out and laid out for that day. 
I can DO this and I will. 
Oh and I bought a new car. My dream car. 
I thought it would make me happy. Things don't make you happy. People do. 
I have amazing people in my life.
I am so blessed.
More later.

I Love You.

How To Be a Widow II

Time passes and memories of the last painful days ebb just the tiniest bit each day but the hurt is still simmering there, right beneath the surface.

24/7

You wake up each day and the sun still shines. Days pass and you even laugh. I still have feelings of guilt for being here and alive and Henry is not.

Had it only been me to go and not him. Visiting his grave each day, I want to open it up and crawl inside.

I have begun going to grief counseling and that helps. To be in a group of others...mothers, fathers, husbands, wives. All of them love and lost and it hurts. They say that "Time heals all wounds" but there is one addendum to that old adage and that is that time may heal but a scab forms and the slightest thing such as a song or smell or memory opens it up and the heart bleeds. Again.

I am strong.

I can do this.

Each day I get up. I apply lipstick and put one foot forward and life continues.

Henry would want me to be happy. He loved reading my blog and my watching my videos. The best thing about my husband was that he listened to me. I mean really LISTENED to me. Whether it was about lipstick or kids or the dogs. No subject matter was too small or too slight.

He listened to me. And isn't that what a "best friend" does?

Simply put, we had a marriage that many dream of. My best advice for success in any relationship is so easy and simple.

Be KIND to each other.

That's it.

Be kind.

Kindness is as easy as it is implied.

We all argue or feel our side or point of view is the correct one.

Would you rather always be RIGHT or always be HAPPY?

I choose being happy. Being right all the time is too much work.

I'm no one's doormat but I also don't feel the need to push my opinions, thoughts or ideas down anyone's throat.

I want so bad to go back and watch the videos that my husband was in but that day will be a long way off. We had so much fun making them. We had so much fun EVERY day!

Henry told me how proud of me he was daily. He told others I was "The Love of his Life."

I received sympathy cards from so many friends that wanted to share that Henry would always say that. *sigh*

Being the Love of His Life.

What a GIFT!

Those words help ease the pain. Just a tad.

The day of the showing was exhausting but with the love and support of my family and friends, we all got thru it. Ten hours of people and stories and so much love for my husband. It's funny to feel so close to so many strangers, acquaintances, and those you love all wrapped up into one day. I have found that when people tell me they knew my husband, I feel an instant bond. You knew him? Oh, please tell me more! Just talking about him keeps him alive in my heart and probably theirs as well.

The day of the funeral was to be grueling. To send a loved one off into eternity forever?

How does one do that?

I sat down each day and wrote down everything. Writing is therapy for myself and many others. Henry loved my writing. He made me promise to continue, hoping it would not only help me but others going thru an ordeal like this or something similar. If it helps one wife or sister, parent, brother or child that has lost a love, then all the better.

I love you all so much. Your kindness does indeed honor Henry and my gratefulness to you is more than I can put into words. We were both so blessed.

Be kind. Be kind to those you love and even to those you don't.

More later....