Sunday, December 27, 2015

Chapter 21... Am I Free?

I wasn't handcuffed. Thankfully.
 I was put into the back of a squad car. Just like in the movies, the officer held the top of my head as I was tucked into the back seat of the car and the door closed. A wire cage separated me from the front seat.
I had never been in trouble before. I had and still have a very healthy respect for law enforcement to this day.
I was scared to death.
Not scared of these kind men in uniform but scared mostly of being sent back to Barb and Bob.

Tears rolling down my face I ask "Where am I going?"

"You are going to juvenile detention until your court date in a few days. Charged as Juvenile Delinquent, " the officer explained.
I breathed a sigh of relief....Then what?
I wouldn't even think of that right now.

What was juvenile detention?
I had no idea but knew I was about to find out.

Gates open to let us in. Guards on duty. Razor wire surrounds the facility. Guns.

I am taken into the stark brick building.
Bartow Florida Juvenile Detention Center.

The processing is a blur in my mind. I was so scared. I remember being handed a blue jumpsuit and told to shower.
After a shower and being sprayed for lice I am taken to a small room and asked questions.
I am filthy dirty so a warm shower was like a dream. The lice spray was not.
They tell me that the authorities have contacted my parents and let them know I am safe. Ha! Safe is being held in jail behind bars that protect me from them not the other way around!

The walls are so  cold and our footsteps echo on the hard floors as I am escorted to my cell.

The door is opened and I am shoved inside.

There are bunk beds bolted to the walls. A small window above the metal rails of the beds. A toilet and sink.

I am told I have the bottom bunk.
The heavy door with an 8x8" window closes with a loud clank behind me.

As I enter I notice a young black girl stretched out on the top bunk.
I say hello but get no answer.

I have no idea what to do or say. I lay down and curl up without pulling the scratchy green blanket down. I just lay down on top of it.

As I close my eyes, I hear the most beautiful voice begin to sing....

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there

I'll reach out my hand to you, I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

And oh - I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on - yes I will, yes I will

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love I respect you
Just call my name and I'll be there

The tears come and do not stop.  Sobbing. Those words to that beautiful song just bounced around in that tiny cell. That beautiful voice  just bounced around in my heart.

I find my roommate's name is Jackie. She has been there for over a month. Her 2nd court date was not for another 30 days.
"Why? What did you do?" I ask her.

"Oh, I took a screwdriver and stabbed my step dad in the neck then called the law. I'm not sorry. He beat me and has been raping me almost every day since I was 9 years old.  I only wish I had killed him. He almost died. Was real close to dead. Next time he will die."

Her face was like that of a small child but her eyes were old beyond her years.

I will never forget her.

Jackie asked me what I had done. When I told her why I was arrested and placed there, she came down from her bunk and sat near me. She took my hand and told me that the courts would send me back to them. My offense was too small to even deal with.

"I can't go back there." I wailed in desperation.
I knew the wrath of Barbara would be swift and harsh. To have escaped her evil and to be caught would be certain cruelty and the more savage the punishment she could think of the better, in her twisted mind....

Other girls in other cells up and down the hallway yelled out to tell me to "Shut up you big crybaby."

Jackie hummed a soft tune as I quietly continued to cry.

My court date was in 3 days.....


  1. I just cannnot stand the fact you had to go through all this abuse. You are such an overcomer, that is for sure. *hugs* Carla

  2. wow....such injustice for you and Jackie.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. You overcame the abuse you suffered as a child. God bless you.

  4. I want to shout "please, please don't send her back!!"

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  6. Lana; I found you on Youtube a few years ago probably by searching for something related to 'older women' (I'm 55). I had viewed some of your videos and was entertained although my attention span is pretty short and I drift. I stayed home from work on Friday sick with a nasty cold and had my laptop in bed with me. I don't know what I searched this time but I ended up watching some of your videos and then some more, I learned about the loss of your darling husband and found your blog and completely devoured it! I cannot believe the horrendous experiences to which you have been subjected! Evil really does exist! In both foster parents and cemetery stalkers! you can't make this stuff up!!
    Lana you have a gift and I appreciate that you are choosing to share it with the world, this is very remarkable. I am having trouble expressing all that I want to say right now and feel like I am stumbling over myself . I am grateful to have found your blog and to have read it, I am sorry you lost your sweet husband. I am happy you found love and that you were able to be treated in the polar opposite way that you were forced to live as a child. Thank you for sharing your videos and blog with us. I look forward to reading more of your story

    1. I'm so glad you're here! I hope you are feeling better. I miss my husband so much. Jan. 22nd was our anniversary. I wanted to stay in bed all week but instead I got up, applied my makeup and went to volunteer at my local shelter. Be well, love. ~Lana

  7. I was locked up as a teen too...for a couple of years! LOL 😁 bad biker men...👄 we have so much in common its crazy! 😃

  8. I've checked back, every so often, to see if you'd posted more. Happy to see that you have! \( ^◡^)/

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  10. its hard to believe that these things go on the the modern world. I am horrified by what you had to put up with. I am so looking forward to reading about how your life turned around and meeting your lovely husband. You've triumphed over so much! Tania Craine

  11. Lana, I'm still checking on you every week for an update! Just wanted to let you know that you are always thought about and hope to "see" you soon :)


  13. Lana, Hope you are having so much fun, so much life to live that you don't have time to update. I will keep checking back. You are a smile to my day.

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  15. Where are ya, lady? Hope you're doing well. (⑅◠ ◡ ◠)♡

  16. I was thinking the same!!! I missed Lana's videos!! Hope you will come back to youtube!!!

  17. God I hope she is ok.

  18. Would just love a quick update to let all your fans know you're ok. Hope life is great for you but really miss you.

  19. I've sat here tonight and read this whole blog from start to finish. I've missed your Youtube videos a lot since your last one. I hope and pray all is well with you since it's been 2 years since your last blog post & I've cried and with a heavy heart read your life story. You're an amazing woman with a strong survivor spirit. I look forward to reading the rest of your story(book).

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  21. Hope you are doing ok. Miss you.

  22. Lana, I don't know if you remember me? I am vividsmile1 from YouTube. I always said you were my big sister! Anyway, I see that you haven't made videos or a blog post in quite awhile and just wondered where you are? I am one of the ones that kept pestering you to finish your story, and you have left us hanging again, lol! Your story is so fascinating that I can't wait for you to continue. I really think you need to finish this because it could easily be a best seller. Anyway, just know that I am here for you. Love you honey, and God bless you!


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