Saturday, December 19, 2015

Chapter 19 of These Horrible Memories...

I have had so many of you write to me to ask when I would finish this story of a tragic childhood. 
I appreciate all of you so much. 
When my husband was so sick and dying, you were all like beacons of light and I will never forget you and your sweet support.
Support of a complete stranger that you have never met. It makes my heart swell with so much love for each and every single one of you.

It has been so hard to come back here to finish this. 

I always knew that I would but didn't know how I could, really. So, today, in the bright happy sunshine of south Florida, once again I am going to reach back into the memories that I have tucked so safely away and want to forget but they are a part of me. These horrible memories are what have molded me in to who and what I am today.
I like who I am today. 
Actually, I really liked the strength of the young girl that I was even back then. 

I have been asked by people  "What are your best attributes?"
That's easy....
I am nice. 
People really like me. I think it's because even going thru this hell of a young life, I aways saw the best of the tiniest little thing. 
The glass is always half full to me! 

Ok, enough dragging this out.... 

I am stalling and we all recognize that so here goes....

My sister has been made to quit school and get a job in a nursing home wiping butts and cleaning up vomit to help with the bills. Barbara and she both work the same shift. Midnight to 8 a.m.
Left alone with Bob overnight is frightening even now to remember it. A big hulk of a man and mean as a snake too.
He reminds me daily that I am not his daughter.
Yay! That makes me happy. Wouldn't want to be!

Because of all of the beatings and stress of living with these two monsters, I had developed a horrible nervous habit of sleep walking. Sound asleep, I would suddenly wake up outside or in the bathroom, down the hall or in the kitchen, asleep and awaken scared to death in a place I had no memory of how I had gotten there. My nerves were raw like metal rubbing on a bare wire.  I got no escape from the terror even in sleep.
One night,  while Barbara was working and I am alone with Bob in a darkened house. I never wanted to be alone with him and being alone in a house at night was beyond the scope of terror for me. I would slink along the halls and slip thru doors to avoid him if I even thought he was going to come near me. Quiet and stealth. I was so tiny and underfed that it was easy to slip by and be unnoticed.

  No one had ever uttered one word to me about sex or what it was or that it even existed. Somehow, even my young mind knew he was after some hidden secret thing and I wasn't his daughter.... He reminded me of that fact daily. Almost as a chant to convince him and me that whatever would happen would be okay. 

I remember I am in a nightgown with tiny blue flowers on it and wake up in the middle of the living room. Bob has his arms around me tight in a bear hold. I was sleep walking again and my biggest fear has come true! 
He has me alone and it's dark and I am alone in a quiet house with Bob. I still shudder when I remember this fear of him. The smell of him.

He yells at me "You little Whore! You were outside with boys. Out fucking around! I know what you were doing!"

"No! I just woke up! I was sleeping. I promise, I was sleeping!"

He drags me down the hall to his bedroom. Slams the door shut. He has a rope. He pushes me down on the bed so hard that my teeth shatter together.  I can hear him panting in his effort to hold me down to the bed and tie me to it.
The fear in me is overwhelming. I could scream and no one would even hear me. No one would care.

He pulls my nightgown up and  over my head. 
I must run!
I have to stop this. 
He looks demonic.

He spreads each leg and my nakedness is so demeaning in front of this evil man. 
No no no no no.

He ties my arms up and out to each bed post. I am kicking out and trying my best to find a place on him to hurt him. To make him stop.  It is a fight for my life. He finally wins over me and manages to tie each leg at the foot of the bed to the posts that are now my prison. 
I am fighting him with all that I am. Squirming, lashing out, biting, spitting.  Not one muscle or bone in me is going to allow this to happen. 

I am not his daughter. I am 14.

I don't know what he wants to do but I know it's very very bad.  I feel like I am no longer me. I am thrashing around with every fiber of my being....Fight!
Suddenly. I stop fighting. I go completely quiet. I feel as if I am floating above myself.  A calm goes over me like a rush of cold water was injected into my veins. 
I look at him dead in the eye and say "I don't know what you are trying to do but if you touch me. Ever touch me again I swear to you that I will kill you when you are asleep. I will.  I will do it! I will kill you in your sleep."
I don't even recognize the stone-cold determined voice as my own.

He stops cold. The look on my face must have convinced him that I meant it. 100% meant that I would kill him. 
I don't know where the strength to even utter a word came from but to this day, I believe it was a guardian angel that was sent to spare me from Bob.

His eyes never leave my face. I can smell his evil breath. He slowly gets up off of me and goes to the door. He leaves me tied up.  I hear his steps going down the hall away from me.
I still feel the danger and know that I must act fast.

Being underfed and malnourished was going to work in my favor for once. It took me some time, but I was able to wriggle out of the ropes that tied my wrists and ankles.  My small fingers working frantically at the knots of the ropes. 
I have to leave! 
Not one more minute to waste. He could return any minute...
Get dressed. Hide? No! Leave here.


  1. Oh Lana, how heartbreaking. I am so sorry, but you have conquered over evil Bob, and your sad childhood. Now put those memories away, bury them with kindness, the love of your family and the love of God. Merry Christmas to you.

  2. Oh Lana, how heartbreaking. I am so sorry, but you have conquered over evil Bob, and your sad childhood. Now put those memories away, bury them with kindness, the love of your family and the love of God. Merry Christmas to you.

  3. My heart is punding. Unspeakable evil. Unrelenting love of God.

  4. Dear God. I am so sorry. Thank God you escaped from that monster. I completely relate to your story. You are a brave woman to share and also you were a very brave girl. No wonder you have a special place in your heart for children. God bless you.

  5. Wow.I am so sorry that and many other horrible things happened to you my lovely on the inside as much as the outside sister. I love you so much.

  6. Wow.I am so sorry that and many other horrible things happened to you my lovely on the inside as much as the outside sister. I love you so much.

  7. Oh dear Lana, how horrible, my heart aches with compassion. One of the reasons I've been drawn to you and your blog was a vulnerability that shows through you. Know that you are being wished the best, and thank you for sharing.

  8. Jesus Christ! What fucking refuse. I hate him for you.

  9. Omg.... I also had sleepwalking issues after the gunman. 💀 thank god for your strength!

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  11. Lana where did you post the newest installment?

  12. Lana are you ok? We havent heard from ypu in months , no videos or blog , has anyone else?

  13. i had a similar experience and felt also like God/an angel started speaking thru me to the attacker and he also became terrified and left. it was the same exact as you so sorry this happened to you
    hope you are doing good =) you are a beacon of light and inspiration to all survivors,

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