As I write this, I'm so sleepy/tired.
Tired because as writing this story of Barbara and Bob and their less than human behavior, I don't sleep like I always have. I am one that has never had trouble sleeping as an adult. I can and do sleep like a rock.
When I was a kid and living there, I had night terrors and would sleep walk and talk. Interrupted by fear sleep every night.
Wake up screaming.
Night terrors are so debilitating. For one, the terror stays with you the entire next day, and two, while they are happening, it feels as if you are on the brink of hell and about to die or go completely insane!
These last few weeks, I have been waking up in terror, crying and thinking I need to find something. What?
My husband so gently tries to ask me in my sleep-terror shell of sleep.
I sit on the edge of the bed and mutter "I can't find it. I have to find it. Where is it?"
"What is it honey? What's wrong?
What it is that you are seeking? "
I haven't got a clue. But desperate to find it.
Perhaps my childhood? Love? Freedom?
Once fully awake, I dread going back to the brink of that fear so I sit quiet in the darkness.
Heart pounding. Worried. Tense.
Today, I went with 4 of my nearest and dearest friends on the 45 minute drive from the safety of my loving home to the
"Old House" of Barbara and Bob.
We laughed and talked and had such fun on the drive there but I swear I was afraid the sun would go behind the clouds and the Earth open up as we pulled into the horseshoe drive- way.
We all got out of the car. Girl-like giggling gave way to hushed silence as we stare at the worn out looking property.
Such a pretty sunny day. I am thankful for that.
Five grown women afraid of ghosts of the past? We form a human chain all holding hands and gaze at the house.
It seemed so small now where as a kid it seemed so large and looming.
It seemed so unthreatening with the kids' toys and tree swing in the yard. Late model cars parked in the driveway.
My friend Gretchen wanted to knock on the door and see the inside rooms. I was willing but no one else would allow it saying we would all probably end up chopped to pieces in a deep-freeze. Never to be found.
Too many scary movies?
My friends saw the broke-down look of the place.
I saw the front yard where Bob swung the oar and caused my sister her hearing.
I saw the roof I used to hang my butt off of to relieve myself.
I saw the haunting window of my old room/prison.
I saw the barren corn fields I tried to make my escape in. My stupidity at stepping out to the road so fresh in my mind.
One last glimpse of the roof I had jumped off of to escape.
It doesn't seem so high to me now. I feel I could sail off that roof and fly away today....
We got back in the car and the drive home was so serene and quiet.
Life is like that. You go thru your troubles and it seems like it will consume you. Time goes by and you find you survive it.
You have a choice.
Let the past and all it's horrors eat you alive or buck up and learn from it.
People often ask me "How do you stay so positive after all of the horrors of Barbara and Bob?"
I would let them WIN if I allowed them one more second of my life!
They robbed my brother sister and I of far too much to give them one fraction of one thing more.
All of my adult life, I use them.
I use them as a guide.
What would Barb and Bob do?
Then I do the polar opposite.
They have no power anymore. They don't exist on this Earth anymore. They have no space in my heart anymore.
They took my innocence and my childhood but they will never take the joys of life from me.
I love the smell of flowers and the sweet laughter of a child. I love the sunrise and the delicious smells of a chef in the kitchen. I love each day of my life and appreciate those that love ME.
You see, I AM not a whore or a slut or a pig.
I am worth something!
I like who I am.
The next few chapters will assuredly cause more sleepless nights but then...
Then, I find my way. Find my voice.
Find Joy. Find Determination!