Friday, February 3, 2012

Chapter 14

As I write this, I'm so sleepy/tired. 
Tired because as writing this story of Barbara and Bob and their less than human behavior, I don't sleep like I always have. I am one that has never had trouble sleeping as an adult. I can and do sleep like a rock. 
When I was a kid and living there, I had night terrors and would sleep walk and talk.  Interrupted by fear sleep every night.
Wake up screaming.


Night terrors are so debilitating.  For one, the terror stays with you the entire next day, and two, while they are happening, it feels as if you are on the brink of hell and about to die or go completely insane!


These last few weeks, I have been waking up in terror, crying and thinking I need to find something. What?
My husband so gently tries to ask me in my sleep-terror shell of sleep. 
I sit on the edge of the bed and mutter "I can't find it. I have to find it. Where is it?"


"What is it honey? What's wrong? 
What it is that you are seeking? "


I haven't got a clue.  But desperate to find it.
Perhaps my childhood? Love? Freedom?
Once fully awake, I dread going back to the brink of that fear so I sit quiet in the darkness.
Heart pounding. Worried. Tense.




Today, I went with 4 of my nearest and dearest friends on the 45 minute drive from the safety of my loving home to the 
"Old House" of Barbara and Bob.


We laughed and talked and had such fun on the drive there but I swear I was afraid the sun would go behind the clouds and the Earth open up as we pulled into the horseshoe drive- way. 


We all got out of the car. Girl-like giggling gave way to hushed silence as we stare at the worn out looking property.
 Such a pretty sunny day. I am thankful for that.
 Five grown women afraid of ghosts of the past? We form a human chain all holding hands and gaze at the house.




It seemed so small now where as a kid it seemed so large and looming.
It seemed so unthreatening with the kids' toys and tree swing in the yard. Late model cars parked in the driveway.




My friend Gretchen wanted to knock on the door and see the inside rooms. I was willing but no one else would allow it saying we would all probably end up chopped to pieces in a deep-freeze.  Never to be found.
Too many scary movies?


My friends saw the broke-down look of the place. 
I saw the front  yard where Bob swung the oar and caused my sister her hearing.
I saw the roof I used to hang my butt off of to relieve myself.
I saw the haunting window of my old room/prison.
I saw the barren corn fields I tried to make my escape in. My stupidity at stepping out to the road so fresh in my mind. 
One last glimpse of the roof I had jumped off of to escape.  
It doesn't seem so high to me now. I feel I could sail off that roof and fly away today....
We got back in the car and the drive home was so serene and quiet.




Life is like that. You go thru your troubles and it seems like it will consume you. Time goes by and you find you survive it. 
You have a choice.
Let the past and all it's horrors eat you alive or buck up and learn from it. 


People often ask me "How do you stay so positive after all of the horrors of Barbara and Bob?"
Simple. 
I would let them WIN if I allowed them one more second of my life!
Hell no!
They robbed my brother sister and I of far too much to give them one fraction of one thing more.
All of my adult life, I use them.


I use them as a guide.
What would Barb and Bob do?
Then I do the polar opposite.
They have no power anymore. They don't exist on this Earth anymore. They have no space in my heart anymore.
They took my innocence and my childhood but they will never take the joys of life from me.
I love the smell of flowers and the sweet laughter of a child. I love the sunrise and the delicious smells of a chef in the kitchen. I love each day of my life and appreciate those that love ME.
You see, I AM not a whore or a slut or a pig.
I am worth something! 


I like who I am.


The next few chapters will assuredly cause more sleepless nights but then...
Then, I find my way. Find my voice. 
Find Joy. Find Determination!
 Find Love.
                  Find Peace.



27 comments:

  1. Lana, your story is incredible. I am so happy you came out a wonderful, happy and successful woman. Looking at these photos I see the place you described to us in your chapters and it's so eerie. Good for you visiting that evil place.

    You are awesome sharing your story!

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  2. I like who you are too hon. xoxo Jeanie

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  3. Seems like such a pleasant innocuous little house. Such a shame that no one knew what was truly going on behind closed doors. As a domestic abuse survivor I truly believe what does not kill us only makes us stronger and you are a shining example of that philosophy! much love and best wishes always

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  4. Brave Lana to revisit the horrid past...you made it through! You said it so well, "I like who I am", they tried to break you but you made it!

    God Bless You,

    Farrah :)

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  5. Dear Lana
    I am so very sorry for everything you have been through. My sister and I have been watching you for some time now and we both love you. When I started to read your story I was shocked and sad, you could never deserve to be treated so poorly. I am so very proud of you for making a wonderful life for yourself and shareing it with me. You are beautiful inside and out.
    Nancy B.

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  6. Such bravery to face the past....the memories..and expose the evil secrets that little house held. To find your WORTH is ones purpose in life.

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  7. Seeing this house gives me the chills Lana. No matter how sunny it is or how beautiful it could ever be with some 'tlc'.....somehow even the photos capture the sadness that its walls have witnessed and contain. You are so brave to go back there Lana...perhaps now you will have peace in your heart. I commend you on your cheerful and determined spirit, your love for life and positive attitude. It's part of what makes you the beautiful woman you are dearest Lana.

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  8. Whenever I see a hate comment on your videos I just want to tell them to read this, see what you have been through, and see how those words they call you have way more of a meaning to you then to them, your so sweet and I hope you can sleep patterns get better, night terrors used to happen to me too:( <3 We are all keeping you and your husband in our prayers <3 stay strong xoxo

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  9. I love who you are and I know you are surrounded now by people who adore you from all parts of the world in addition to those who get to see you in person. My friend Oprah says that everyone has a story that will break your heart. Sadly you have had more than your fair share. xxxooo

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  10. I remember looking at my doctor in fear as she handed me my first born for the first time.
    I was so nervous I'd drop him or hold too tight or not tight enough.
    She just smiled and said:
    "Babies are very resilient! They will fall, cry & move on!"
    Lana, you are one resilient babe! :-)
    I can't even imagine what it took for you to make the trip to the house of horrors!
    G-d bless,
    xx

    xo

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  11. Yes you are. you're LANA and I LOVE YOU!

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  12. I see you as sweet, funny, courageous, caring and loving.
    The odds were all against you... but in the end YOU WON!!

    Love you Lana

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  13. Lana, you're just such a durn cool person. A real role model and a exceptional person. I am pretty sure you realise just how special you are. But I thought I'd stop to tell you anyway.
    Stay incredible xo

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  14. I hope that visiting this house of torment and terror was cathartic for you Lana , even just a little..and some of your past ghosts have been exorcised.
    You are brave and courageous, and the did NOT win. You did.
    with love
    Diana x

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  15. Lana, you are an inspiration to me not only to be my best self, but to never let them win. Don't give them any more power than they already had, don't let them steel another thing from you. No one owns you but you. Love you, girl.

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  16. So brave Lana. Warms my heart to hear you have such a wonderful network of supportive loved ones around you. xoxo

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  21. When I first looked at the house.. I was looking with you for an escape route.. the window, how to crawl quietly over the roof to a point to let myself down, not in view of a window.. I agree with Leyla, no matter how sunny.. I would be creeped out by the house. I think it is good to not have gone inside. Outside was enough.

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  22. Lana you are Amazingly strong in mind and soul. How you survived this only you and God know. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and I thought of you so much because he had a little girl on his show (18 yrs old now) that from the age of 2-8 her mother and father locked her up in a closet and would starve her and used her for sex...and so much other stuff...she had to have surgery in her private area b/c I'm sure you can imagine what these evil monsters did to her. :( HOW SICK & DISGUSTING!!! She didn't even know daylight existed! :( a neighbor called the authorities and she was taken from that HELL HOLE and the parents are serving lifetime sentences. How there are monsters like this in this world is beyond me. I cried so much watching this. I prayed for all the kids that are and have been through any kind of abuse including little Lana. You're a survivor Lana and thank you for sharing this era of your life with us. Love you my dear friend. Hugs to you and Henry GOD BLESS Xoxo ...(98chely YT)

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    1. I read about Lauren because I missed the show, and her story is stuck in my head. Some people are really sick that there are no words to comprehend why they choose to hurt children. They are very cowardly for committing such heinous crimes. I also find it eerily odd that Lauren and Lana both share a common name to their stories...Barbara. Lana, you have come a far way from that period in your life. I think if you contacted Lauren and had a meet up you both could build a foundation to help children that survive this type of abuse. I would definitely donate to raise awareness to that cause. Every survivor needs to get their story out to shed light on how serious this type of abuse is. Neighbors, friends, family, and total strangers should not turn a blind eye if something is amiss. Just like Bob's mother, she knew yet didn't do anything. People like that need a reality check. In Lauren's case, I'm happy that the neighbors acted swiftly to save her from another day with those monsters. I wish you all the best in life Lana. I think someone with your age and wisdom are important to young survivors. You radiate love, compassion, and most importantly, you show that there's a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Not all people of abuse turn out the way you do. Some go on and repeat the cycle, that's why I think women such as Lauren and yourself who live productive and happy lives after such horrific events in their life are important to survivors. CASA is fortunate to have you be a voice to those children. I love you for your strength, heart, and compassion to understand. You're amazing Lana!

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  23. I was watching your video on fake Louboutins and started reading your story. Words are unable to describe the sheer shock and horror to read it, let alone know that you lived it. Thank you for sharing your story.

    On another note, I moved from Indianapolis to South Bend in the past year, and I miss Indy so much! Thank you for your You Tube videos.

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  24. Hi Lana - how is your husband doing?

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  25. I like the person you are too, Lana! Hugs. . .

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  26. Dear Lana, I've just recently found you on YouTube, I've watched every single video you've made, I absolutely adore you, from there I found your blog, from that beautiful woman on YouTube I was not expecting a blog like this, I now realise what a wonderful strong woman you truly are! You have been through so much in your life yet you smile and do so much for others by way of your fabulous videos, So many emotions have consumed me whilst reading about your childhood, I have 2 daughters myself aged 14 & 11 and reading what you went through is a nightmare, No Child or living person should ever endure such hatred,violence etc, I myself was a beaten daily for many years at the hands of my children's father but I somehow recently found the strength to get out, but you Lana are something else,
    I've also learnt about your sad loss of Henry, I don't know what to say but just please know I'm thinking of you all and your in my prayers, lots of love to you across the ocean from London Uk xxx

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