Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Chapter 13

Hungry and Cold.

When I was allowed to come downstairs to eat or use the restroom things could somedays be almost normal. Almost.
Who am I kidding?

Barb and Bob had invented a new hobby.
It seems I became more interesting to watch in the evening than TV.

I was told to pick out what to wear for school the night before.
Then I was told to wash it out by hand. 
Dress, socks,  panties.
Wash it out in a dishpan in front of the two of them seated on the couch. Rinse it the best I could and told to go outside in the sub-freezing winter night air and hang it all up on the clothesline.
The winter wind would whip around my freezing ankles and numb-red fingers as I would wring each item out and using wooden clothespins,  hang the pieces on the line to dry. Freeze.
The clothes were stiff and turned to ice almost immediately.
My nightgown was there from the washing I had to do in the mornings before going to school. 

Bath time now.
Using the same cold water I had used to wash out my clothes, I am told to strip naked and bathe in front of them. Right in the middle of the living room as they watch 3 feet away.
Bob reaches out to turn the television off and makes himself comfortable. 

I am the freak show of the day.

Barbara has thrown a tattered rag at me and a bar of Lava soap.
My hands are  cold from being outside hanging up my clothes for school tomorrow on the outside clothesline. Dipping them into the cold water to wash my body in front of them leaves me chilled to the bone but not just physically.
Emotionally, I am crushed by them.
That's the name of the game.

"Wash your smelly armpits, you cow" Barbara yells at me.

"God, do you see her ugly ass and her knocked knees?
What a joke she is. No man would ever look twice at her!" Bob says.

"Don't forget to wash your smelly crotch you whore. Nasty."
Her legs are skinny and so close together! Eww, she is so disgusting!"

"Wash your ass.
Use the washcloth and bend over so we can see.
Spread your butt cheeks apart and wash it again."

I do as I am told. I am shivering from the cold of the winter and the cold of these two and their sick imagination.

Rage is boiling up inside me. The humiliation hurts like a physical pain. A punch to the mouth would hurt less when you are 13 and naked and being ridiculed so intimately.

Barbara jumps out of her chair to come over and use her fist to punch me as hard as she can in my flat chested breasts. 

"I read you can get breast cancer from hard hits to the tits. 
Hit her there! I will laugh my ass off if she has to get her tits cut off. 
Oh, I forgot. She doesn't have any tits!"

Laughing. She lands a fist again as hard as she can into my chest and I feel the wind knocked out of me as I reel to stay upright.

"Lift your arms up and wash again. Everywhere. Spread your legs apart. Rub the soap on you there until it gets foamy. Scrub yourself. 
Spread 'Em!
Wash your ass. Scrub your stinking crotch. 
God, I hate you! I hate whores.
Wash it all again.  Use that rag and clean yourself. You smell like a slut."

Over and over until my skin is raw from the lye soap. I don't even feel myself anymore. I feel like I am in the corner watching all of this and not feeling the pain. Not feeling the humiliation. Not hearing the words.
I no longer hear their perverted words.
I feel like an automon.
Wash. Clean. Scrub. Spread.

Their fun is over for the evening.
Thank God.

"Now, go outside and get your pajamas and put them on and get your slutty ass upstairs and go to bed. You're a whore. 
Whores don't need blankets either".

None of this is new to me. I know what comes next. 
I walk slowly to the back door and out into the dark cold winter night.
Their words echo in my head. Slut, whore, ugly, flat chested.
Naked and shivering I pull the wooden clothespins off my frozen stiff nightgown that is flat and hard like a large piece of wood and it crunches in my grasp. Ice thick and cold.
I walk toward the house carrying my stiff cold nightwear.
 Open the back door wishing a blast of warmth would magically thaw the cotton of my nightgown. It doesn't.
I work the fabric between my ice cold hands.
It finally has a bit of movement.
I reach my arms into the sleeves of the frozen gown and attempt to put it on.
Frozen and cold.
I pull the frigid garment over my head and slowly climb the stairs.
There is no blanket. No sheet. Just a bare bed and a cold room.
It will be a long cold night before the heat from my body dries the gown enough to sleep...
Tomorrow, I get to do the same only with frozen wet panties, socks and dress to wait at the end of the snowy driveway for the school bus...


  1. They are monsters i hope they died !!! Everytime i read one of your updates i cry out for you, and i go please Lana just leave o please o please Lana go go and then at the end when you are still their i cry for you. This has opened my eyes to the pain that children who are abused go through all the time. From reading your short segments of just a peak of what it must have been like it made me really motaviated to take action. So thank you so much Lana and much LOve . You are an inspiration, and i am trying to think of some action to take that can make a difference
    stay strong

  2. Why are people like this on earth?

  3. I just want to vomit when I read this. The tears pour from my eyes. I want to stab these rotten freaks. What makes inhuman people like this? I believe in God but why is this allowed to go on? Lana my heart breaks for you. I watch your videos & I can't believe what has happened to you. You have such a good attitude. I'm so sorry for what you've went through. I know things go on like this every day. It makes me sick. Please God help the children.

  4. You poor thing! I am so sorry this happened to you. Please tell me this abuse did not last much longer! Hugs, Stacie (thejools123) xoxo

  5. oh how i wish your escape had worked! i hate these people. I hope to soon read something awful happens to them. I am mad at the aunt who saw something was wrong and didn't help you. I am mad at all of them. I adore you. I adore little Lana too.

  6. I don't even know what to say...
    It is hard to read but to actually live it?
    This little girl resilience is unparallel...

  7. I am hoping this nightmare ends soon............that some sort of salvation somehow saves you from this hell. I can barely tolerate reading it............the anger boils up inside me at those two completely inhumane excuses for people. I hope that their complete evilness consumes them and they lived miserable pathetic excuses for lives and then dies in a horrific manner. Please.........tell me this is almost over.

  8. You have immense courage to write this Lana, to go back inside your mind and relive them in your mind in order to put them onto the pages of your book. How it must hurt, the agony must be immense, but I liken it to childbirth. In order to get something beautiful, you have go through excruciating, searing torture-like pain. In this case, it's the birth of your book that is you, a sweet and beautiful flower in the wasteland. God bless you Lana and I am so very grateful and humbled, to have the joy of knowing you. With much love and affection. :) xxxooo

  9. knowing you survived this horror and are able to relive it and share it with the world shows me what power and strength you carry with you. people complain about stupid things in life and take for granted they even have a life when so many children have gone through hell like this some die and some survive and live through it like you did. everyday i try and see the bigger picture and reading your story hits home and I garner strength from you and others like you, although we are strangers we are all alike in more ways than not

  10. Each time I read a new Chapter...I shake my head and cry a tear...

    I cannot fathom out this groteque behaviour.

    and I cannot fathom out how you turned out to be the loving generous person you are...dear Lana

    Diana xx

  11. grr...typo - I mean 'grotesque'

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  13. I know it is hell for you to tell and relive this. I hate those people too. Monsters.
    Much love to you,
    Mary Sue

  14. Lana, your strength is admirable! After those people beat you down both physically and emotionally... took your childhood... I really cant stop crying. I hope you include at some point whatever became of 'those two EVIL monsters' I sincereley hope that Karma came by and gave them a big old whoosh in the ass! You are an AMAZING woman, Grandmother, mother and wife, you have endless love for your family and are incredibly strong! Lots of Love to you!

  15. Thank you so much for sharing. I am living in my own nightmare now. Thank you for giving me hope.

    1. Maybe you could talk about it on your blog. It might help.

  16. I came on here to write something to you, anything but my thoughts are halted as I'm boiling over with hatred for those "people."

    So I will simply leave you with, I love you Ms. Lana.


    ~ShellieBill from Youtube.

  17. Lana, I know how hard it is for you to write this, and I know because it is hard for me to read. I haven't been able to comment before now, because of all the emotions it is stirring up from my past, and it still hurts. I still feel the rage and humiliation. Someday, I will share a few things from my childhood, but not now. This needs to be about you, and your story. But just know that I understand what you are feeling, then and now, and whenever you get to a part that hurts so much to write about just picture a tall woman with long dark hair and dark eyes, and she is standing next to you with her hand on your shoulder to give you strength, and to remind you that we are here, and we beat those bastards, and they can't hurt us any more. I am there for you every day, and I love you Lana! Love, Bridget (Vividsmile1 on YT)

  18. Lana,
    Long time reader/watcher, first time commenter. I pray for you & your hubby everyday along with my Momma who has just had surgery to remove cancerous tumors from her pancreas. They caught it early, Thank God.
    Thank you for not letting them change your heart, you are sweet & kind and that comes through in your videos.
    Victoria (

  19. This is so hard to read Lana, but even as I write this it sounds pathetic as you actually had to live, suffer and endure it, at such a young age and then relive the horrors I'm sure over the years.

    How you managed to endure and survive these depraved evil people and grow into the amazing woman that you are I have no idea but I'm so happy for you that you somehow found the strength to do just that.

    My heart aches for little Lana. I do hope the agony comes to an end soon.

    Hugs dearest xoxo

  20. Dear, dear Lana, you are the strongest person to have not only survived this, but prospered and thrived. I can't imagine what life was like for you, yet here you are. As for those two disgusting crumbs, may they enjoy the warmth of each other, roasting on a spit in hell.

  21. I am just so sorry for all the horrible mistreatment and abuse you had to endure. Thank the Lord for bringing you through all of the humiliation and pain and leaving you the beautiful inspiring woman that you are today,

  22. Lana - please tell me these two evil monsters got their just deserts? Lou xxxx

  23. Why do people like that exist???? You are so strong, for coming out of this as beautiful, nice, gentle and genuine as you are today. God bless you.


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