Saturday, January 14, 2012

Chapter 12

Hell to Pay 

I feel the air leave my lungs as Barbara's huge body slams into me and knocks my face into the dirt along the side of the road. 
The safety of the cornfield urging me to come back into the lush rows of freedom. Run! Get Away!
WHY had I not stayed in the dark cocoon of safety in the tall green corn? 
How stupid!
More than feeling deflated by the weight of Barbara's body over me, I knew I would pay for my 2 plus hours of freedom. 

Hell to pay.

Barbara pokes her thumb into my mouth, her other four fingers dug into the flesh of my jaw. By the skin, she pulls me by my face into the car and shoves me to the floor of the back seat. I taste blood. Her fingernails having left deep claw marks in my cheek.
I don't remember her words on the miles long trip back to my prison, I was too worried about what my punishment would be....

We pull into the driveway and she extracts me from the car by my leg, dragging me.. my head bouncing along anything in her path as she pulls me along behind her like a rag doll. Who knew she could move so fast? Her large body sweating and grunting as she drags me,  my head banging with each step.
Back to my lofty prison upstairs. 
The door locks slam into place.
My face is bleeding. I am dizzy with hunger and thirst and disgust in my stupidity. 

 I hear voices below me and know that Bob has gotten home from work.  Barbara filling  him in on my crimes.  

Hell to Pay.

The locks on the door slide open. I hear them. I fear them.

I am called downstairs.

Bob and Barbara are there. The rest of the house is quiet.
My legs are shaking in fear.

"Where were you planning on going, Lana?" Bob asks me, his voice steely cold.

Do I lie? Do I tell them the truth?

"I was going to go to the courthouse," I say quietly knowing how stupid that sentence sounds and too naive to understand how much worse I just made it for myself.

"To the courthouse? For what"?

"To talk to someone," I whisper.

I realize in that moment my mistake.  
Too late.

"Talk to someone? You were going to run away and open your mouth to talk to someone about US"? Barbara screams. Her face distorted in rage.

Bob stands up.  He begins to undo his belt. 

"Take your clothes off. All of them. Strip!"

No! Not that! 
I had been told every day how much they hate me. How ugly I am. How stupid and dirty and disgusting I am. 
Told I was not Bob's daughter. Told that I took food from their mouths and the mouths of their babies, daily. Just by being alive.
Told a man named Marvin Dixon was my father and Bob's mortal enemy.  
Told. Every. Damn. Day.

Being told by Bob to take my clothes off made me chill to my soul.
No one had ever spoken to me about sex or anatomy.
No one needed to. 
Bob telling me to strip naked and the bulge forming in his pants sent a message even to my young ignorant mind.
I was not his daughter. My stomach churned on the bile and disgust.
Barbara leaves the chair she was sitting in to come push me to the ground and kick me hard in my face. The toe of her shoe landing square on the side of my face. Blood spurts all over the carpet in front of me.
"Get Up, you pig and do what he says."

Hell to pay...

Sobbing, I get up. I undress.
 He walks towards me with a look of sheer evil and something else I had never seen before...

I was 13 years old.

He may have beat me but I am not going easily. No way.

Bob's thick leather belt leaving welts with each strike. Welts so deep and bloody. My back. My face. My chest. Anywhere he could land it. I didn't make it easier on myself.

I put up such a fight that Bob's glasses went flying across the room. Kicking and fighting and flailing.  Naked. Arms and legs thrashing out at anything near me. 
His dentures flew out of his mouth.  His breath in short grunts and gasps. I kicked and clawed. I knew I had to keep this perverted man away from me. Beat me yes....Anything else. 

By the end, I was bloody and bruised on every part of me. I could not walk. 
I didn't once cry out. Didn't once beg for mercy. I dug deep inside me and fought with all there was inside my soul. Every fiber of me fought.  I would have fought until dead.

I got 10 times the beating but I had a new resolve. No longer would I just take it!
No More.  I would fight them. The resolve gave me power.
Bob and his twisted sick leering eyes and bulging pants and Barbara with her depraved punishments. 

That day, I became a fighter. A  wild thing. They could beat me bloody but from that day on,  would never touch my soul. 
The beatings didn't end but the pain inside me was over. They had no control. 
I belonged to ME!


  1. Tears Lana! I am so sorry! I can't wait to hear how you eventually got away. Stacie xoxo

  2. I can not even put into word the hate and rage I feel right now. I wish I was in that room to protect that poor little girl. I have two daughters and your words, your childhood are scarring me. How could anyone do these things.

  3. I have no idea where you get the strength to write this, to relive the horror. You are such an amazing women Lana! xoxoxoxo HUG HUG HUG

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  5. Dear Lana, I can't take it anymore. Maybe I can peek at your chapters a little at a time in the future. I can so relate, Sweetie. xxoo

  6. Oh my how much I cried when reading this Lana, who would ever know just by looking or talking to you. You must have an angel by your side when writing Lana, as you relive the emotional, psychological and God know traumatic childhood. The hurt Irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt,lonely child. Yet you stayed true to yourself beautiful, you are truly an inspiration. You are a friend or family member everyone would treasure. You must have let go of the pain to make life tolerable somewhere in your childhood, those terrible beatings knocked the kind and loving person you where always meant to be deep in your heart and soul. Nothing can withstand the power of the human will if it is willing to stake its ground. God bless and your humble beginnings. Big Hugs Margaret x x

  7. I love you today, as the strong, beautiful woman that you are. And I love that little girl that deserved so much better than she got. ❤

  8. Just when I think it can't get any worse it does. Hugs to you and that little girl who fought back xxxJoolsxxx

  9. Lana,I have read your story today for the first time and my heart breaks for you and yet here you are, brave woman, telling your story of your childhood for everyone to hear. I hope what you are doing will save even 1 child,mother,sister,wife, from that kind of hell. Your will to live and to still believe fills my heart with the hope. Stay strong Lana, you are an amazing woman who has so much love in her heart after the hell you have gone though! <3

  10. Lana, I follow your blog and my heart just sank again. I truly hurt for that little 13 yr old girl. Keep writing..all of it! You deserve to be heard! I'm listening.....

  11. I have been following along reading these chapters and when I read them, my heart hurts, I feel sick, I feel like throwing up. I feel so much pain in my body. There will never be words to express my empathy for what you went through. You are an INCREDIBLE human being to have endured this and make it out alive and especially to be still shining as such a beautiful person. This horror story seems to top off almost every one I have ever heard or read. I live in my own horror story of illness but this takes the cake. I cant even believe people could possibly be this sick and evil. This kind of sick behavior is similar to Hitler. I don't know how you got through this but as everyone has said, you must have had and still have powerful loving angels and guides on the other side helping you along. I never say this, for I am not religious but God Bless You Lana <3

  12. My heart breaks for you Lana...we are here to support you as you re-live and tell us the horrific life you had to live with these awful & terrible monsters! God Bless Xoxo

  13. Lana sweetheart....I type this response through tears, tears that won't stop to let me see what I am typing. This hurts me more than I can say....I'm speechless. God bless you. xxxooo

  14. Lana ...This just breaks my heart to read...The things you had to go through. I love you and I love that little girl you were....

  15. I feel such hatred for Bob and Barbara! They were so evil! I hope they eventually had to answer for their evil deeds (or that they repented before God)! It is a miracle that you survived and that they didn't murder you. God Bless you Lana.

  16. Lana, after every post I read from this nightmare childhood you had, and then through all the smiles I see in your videos, all I can say is you are truly a blessing in this world. You are the definition of hope, peace, and light in life. I am sorry that such awful things happened to the innocent children you and your siblings were, and I am sorry it happens to so many others around the world. I hope you continue to heel from these horrible memories, and I hope God gives them what they deserve throughout their lives and after, too. You are a wonderful person, you really are a light to so many people. God bless you and your family!

  17. It's amazing how strong the human body can be during such awful and horrendous events. They could have killed you. I wonder if you've ever seen the show I Survived on the Bio channel. They have all sorts of horrific stories and how people survived. I can't imagine how many children worldwide are going through a similar abuse as I sit here and type this. In some countries, even if abuse is reported nothing is done. In my opinion, people that are abusive whether it be physically or sexually, never change. People like that should be in prison for the rest of their lives, I'd be happy seeing my tax dollars keeping them there rather than abusing someone else. I've blocked most of my childhood out but I do still have nightmares that remind me of those bits and pieces that I remember. Lana, you have a lot of strength and I truly wonder how you overcame your abuse. Reading your story and watching shows like I Survived do help at times when I realize there are people out there that lived or are living worse experiences. I'm grateful to all the women and men out there that do tell their stories because it definitely gives others such as myself hope.

  18. You continue to inspire and amaze me.

  19. My goodness, dear sweet, Lana. You are such an amazing person!!! You inspire us all. I just love the person you are now, and I love that little girl that is still inside of you. God bless you, dear Lana. Hugs,~Marilyn

  20. I cannot bear this, it's abombinable, this can people do this?

    How did you ever become the beautiful person you are?


  21. God granted you the strength to endure those horrific events that you didn't deserve. Those devils will rot in hell. God bless you for being such a strong women to relive and share your stories.

    My love and prayers go out to you,

    Farrah Mayleigh

  22. Lana, dear, I just caught up with chapters 10 - 12 and I am heartsick. How did you get away from them, and how on earth did you not let it ruin you or define you? You amaze me. Love you.

  23. For Lana and everyone else here!

  24. Oh Lana I hurt for you. I keep having the same thought bouncing around my head, how did no-one at your school not notice the condition of you and your siblings!?! How!!! xxx

  25. Hard to believe that there are these kind of monsters out there. As I read and try to imagine the anger that is growing in you, the fight to say I have had enough,you can damage my body, but you will never make me surrender. I can feel the strength growing in you. I have to wonder, did Bob and Barbara's children not think this was wrong? Were they scared of their parents too, knowing what they might or could do? I hope you end this story with Bob and Barbara in misery or arrested. It just wouldn't be fair if anything else. Again thanks for sharing, not easy but healing and lets us be sure to pay attention to those around us in case we might suspect something we are seeing in our own community.

  26. The tears are running down my face. How I wish I could see those two freaks get treated like they treated you. Your such a strong person. I love you.

  27. Oh Lana. My mother and husband were both abused as children, my mother, starved and taunted by family while her mother worked night and day to pay for rent. And my husband emotionally and physically abused by a perverted and abusive step dad and an aloof, selfish mother. So as you can imagine, both have promised to only give love and support to their children, including spoiling with gifts and food and the like. Both poor, both always hungry, like your stories, and now both also free. I stand amazed and in awe of survivors like you and them. I was completely spoiled rotten and fed like I were a stuffed Thanksgiving turkey, a chubby little girl, but so jolly and happy and full of life. I don't know their world or this that you speak of, and thankfully, never will our children. You are so brave for sharing your story with all of us. So brave and so loved. God bless you precious Lana!

  28. Lana, I love how you fought back with everything that you are inside. Such a brave little girl! Big hugs. . .

  29. Lana, I thought I knew what someone meant when they used the word abuse. After reading this I really had no idea of the pain and torment. I am shocked at what I am reading and how your tender heart remains. Your story may help someone else Lana. Is this the women that you stood by until her last breath a few years ago? You are a forgiving soul and I am so glad to know you. I miss you and I am so sad and sorry for the pain you both are going through. I love you Lana.

  30. Lana - just wanted you to know that I'm sending you tight hugs and warm wishes from TEXAS. I hope you are healing and building your strength. I look forward to hearing from you soon. (((hugs)))


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