Well, I needed to take a break from the pages in my book for several reasons.
Number one being that I have received so many questions lately inquiring about my husband's health and how he is doing.
First, I want to thank you all for the lovely compassionate notes and kind words. We both feel your loving arms around us and it gives us hope and most of all strength!
He is doing.... ok.
As I type this he is napping. Again. He seems to fall asleep at odd times of the day and that worries me.
Still not a sip of water or a bite of food has passed his lips in almost 6 months. I am still mystified by that fact. It doesn't compute in my silly head. No food? No wonderful taste of sweet or salty? No delicious taste of one of life's pleasures? Food.
Food is my friend. I have jokingly said that stupid little sentence for years but it IS!
I ENJOY food.
Food and meals are more than just taking in nutrition. We would do most of our socializing with friends and family over meals in restaurants, power lunches, banquets. Parties with fun finger foods and Champagne.
Not any more.
I refuse to eat a bite in front of him nor allow others to do so!
Call me weird but it would be like everyone sipping on refreshing Mojito's on a hot summer day in front of a man that can't enjoy one. Not fair!
So... This Thanksgiving, I am staying home with my man and anyone that wants to come by for a hello can do so but no food or cocktails allowed.
Christmas will be a HUGE challenge but I am holding firm on this one. It would break my heart to enjoy a Holiday Feast while he has to open up his feeding tube and have his smelly-ass baby formula poured in by syringe into the hole in his stomach. Ugh.
Not going to happen.
Now, he says it's fine and he doesn't mind but I certainly do!
As to how he is... He has dug in his heels and refuses to get scoped or scanned, poked or prodded until after the New Year.
It's not MY decision, it's his. I respect that.
No matter what the outcome, he can't have radiation again. It would melt his spinal cord.
He refuses the complete disfiguring surgery. Again...
HIS decision, not mine.
So, there it is. We are still blissfully ignorant and I like it that way.
We go to the oncologist tomorrow for blood work and a consult. Nothing new.
Now to my book.
Chapter 4 is coming soon.
It rolls around in my head like the past and to put it down into words frightens me.
Seriously scares me.
A year ago, I was at Lowe's Hardware Store picking out some grout for a project and saw an "aunt" from my past.
She was always good to me when I was a kid and I know she had to have some inkling what was going on in that house behind those closed doors.
Her name is Shirley.
A plus sized woman with a kind heart and a warm smile. Every ounce of Shirley was love. Her heart was so clean and pure. As a kid I always felt this pull towards Shirley.
You know how at times you see someone from your past and your heart sinks and you look for that escape to avoid a conversation? That dread? That never happens when I see Shirley.
I see her around town on occasion and even now, we always end up with a hug and a chat. Her wide open arms always ready to give comfort to those she comes in contact with.
The day I ran into her, she told me something of my past I didn't know.
We were standing in the middle of that cavern of a store in the paint and paint supplies section. Our shopping carts pulled to the side, we smiled and talked and the sun was shining. Two women talking.
Out of the blue she looked at me with big wide eyes about to brim over with unshed tears and told me,
"Lana, there's something I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
I asked many times if I could take you to live with me."
"Really? I didn't know that!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, I always asked if I could take you. I begged them to let you come live with me. You were always so skinny and unloved. I wanted to take you home and feed you and dress you and love you."
I stood there in shock.
Why didn't I go with you then?" I asked with my heart feeling something akin to elation.
I was loved as a kid? Someone loved me and truly WANTED me?
"Shirley?" I asked quietly wondering what she could possibly say to make her cry all these years later.
I asked again gently because now the tears were freely running down her soft cheeks.
"Why didn't I come to live with you then? Why didn't they let me?
They didn't want me. That much was obvious."
My heart was pounding as I waited for the answer.
I would have cut off my arm to go live there. With her. Shirley was warm and sweet and soft and "motherly."
I felt my heart hit the concrete floor as she answered my question.
The realization of her words were about to slam me back to being there with the pain and torture and abusive hell....
"Lana, They were looking for someone to SELL you to."
We were standing in the middle of a crowded hardware store.
My hands gripping the shopping cart so tight I could feel my nails cut into my flesh of my hands. The cart was all that kept me from spinning away.
They wanted to SELL ME?
My head reeling, my hands holding on to that shopping cart like a life raft on wheels. I felt as if the concrete floor was rushing up to slam into my face. Her words. Her words took me back to that time and place. At 55 years old to still be so affected by them and their hatred....
Imagine if there was internet back then? Who could they have given me to for a quick sale of cash? What kind of people buy a child? What in God's name would someone DO to a little girl they would pay money to own?
Further... What kind of evil would SELL a child?
You are about to meet them.....
They reside in Hell. I'm certain of it....