Thursday, November 17, 2011

Residents of Hell

Well, I needed to take a break from the pages in my book for several reasons. 
Number one being that I have received so many questions lately inquiring about my husband's health and how he is doing.
First, I want to thank you all for the lovely compassionate notes and kind words. We both feel your loving arms around us and it gives us hope and most of all strength!
He is doing.... ok. 
As I type this he is napping. Again. He seems to fall asleep at odd times of the day and that worries me.
Still not a sip of water or a bite of food has passed his lips in almost 6 months. I am still mystified by that fact. It doesn't compute in my silly head. No food? No wonderful taste of sweet or salty? No delicious taste of one of life's pleasures? Food.
Food is my friend. I have jokingly said that stupid little sentence for years but it IS! 
I ENJOY food. 
Food and meals are more than just taking in nutrition. We would do most of our socializing with friends and family over meals in restaurants, power lunches, banquets. Parties with fun finger foods and Champagne.
Not any more.
I refuse to eat a bite in front of him nor allow others to do so!
Call me weird but it would be like everyone sipping on refreshing Mojito's on a hot summer day in front of a man that can't enjoy one. Not fair!
So... This Thanksgiving, I am staying home with my man and anyone that wants to come by for a hello can do so but no food or cocktails allowed.
Christmas will be a HUGE challenge but I am holding firm on this one. It would break my heart to enjoy a Holiday Feast  while he has to open up his feeding tube and have his smelly-ass baby formula poured in by syringe into the hole in his stomach. Ugh. 
Not going to happen.
Now, he says it's fine and he doesn't mind but I certainly do!

As to how he is... He has dug in his heels and refuses to get scoped or scanned, poked or prodded until after the New Year.
It's not MY decision, it's his. I respect that.
No matter what the outcome, he can't have radiation again.  It would melt his spinal cord.
He refuses the complete disfiguring surgery. Again...
 HIS decision, not mine. 
So, there it is. We are still blissfully ignorant and I like it that way.
We go to the oncologist tomorrow for blood work and a consult. Nothing new.

Now to my book.

Chapter 4 is coming soon. 
It rolls around in my head like the past and to put it down into words frightens me. 
Seriously scares me.

A year ago, I was at Lowe's Hardware Store picking out some grout for a project and saw an "aunt" from my past.
She was always good to me when I was a kid and I know she had to have some inkling what was going on in that house behind those closed doors.
Her name is Shirley.
A plus sized woman with a kind heart and a warm smile. Every ounce of Shirley was love. Her heart was so clean and pure. As a kid I always felt this pull towards Shirley. 
You know how at times you see someone from your past and your heart sinks and you look for that escape to avoid a conversation? That dread? That never happens when I see Shirley.
I see her around town on occasion and even now,  we always end up with a hug and a chat.  Her wide open arms always ready to give comfort to those she comes in contact with.
The day I ran into her, she told me something of my past I didn't know.

We were standing in the middle of that cavern of a store in the paint and paint supplies section. Our shopping carts pulled to the side, we smiled and talked and the sun was shining. Two women talking.
Out of the blue she looked at me with big wide eyes about to brim over with unshed tears and told me,
"Lana, there's something I have wanted to tell you for a long time. 
I asked many times if I could take you to live with me."
"Really? I didn't know that!" I exclaimed.

 "Yes, I always asked if I could take you. I begged them to let you come live with me. You were always so skinny and unloved. I wanted to take you home and feed you and dress you and love you."

I stood there in shock.
"You did?"
Why didn't I go with you then?" I asked with my heart feeling something akin to elation. 
I was loved as a kid? Someone loved me and truly WANTED me? 

"Shirley?" I asked quietly wondering what she could possibly say to make her cry all these years later. 

I asked again gently because now the tears were freely running down her soft cheeks.
"Why didn't I come to live with you then? Why didn't they let me?
They didn't want me. That much was obvious."

My heart was pounding as I waited for the answer.
I would have cut off my arm to go live there. With her. Shirley was warm and sweet and soft and "motherly."
I felt my heart hit the concrete floor as she answered my question.
The realization of her words were about to slam me back to being there with the pain and torture and abusive hell....

"Lana, They were looking for someone to SELL you to."
We were standing in the middle of a crowded hardware store. 
My hands gripping the shopping cart so tight I could feel my nails cut into my flesh of my hands. The cart was all that kept me from spinning away.

Sell me?
They wanted to SELL ME?
My head reeling, my hands holding on to that shopping cart like a life raft on wheels. I felt as if the concrete floor was rushing up to slam into my face. Her words. Her words took me back to that time and place. At 55 years old to still be so affected by them and their hatred....
Imagine if there was internet back then? Who could they have given me to for a quick sale of cash? What kind of people buy a child? What in God's name would someone DO to a little girl they would pay money to own?
Further... What kind of evil would SELL a child?

You are about to meet them.....

They reside in Hell. I'm certain of it....


  1. Monsters Hard to believe monsters like that exist but they do. So hard for you to even imagine. So hard for anyone to imagine, much less have to actually live like you, our sweet Lana. My heart breaks for you sweet friend.

    Happy Thanksgicing. You certainly have a lot to be thankful for. Surviving your nightmare. I'm sure you surround everyone in your life now with an abundance of love. And they are all thankful for you too!! Much love to you and Henry

  2. Lana, I can not begin to imagine the hardships you faced all through out life. It is truly amazing to see how shiny and wonderful you are today. You make us all so happy when we see how happy you are in your videos, your happiness spreads to us and makes us happy. I am sure you are a rock for your husband these days, you are a super woman. you are a hero. you are truly a blessing. Much love always!

  3. Your an angel to protect your husband like that. Food means too much to me. I have the body to prove it. It's what I run to all the time. I've gained more in the past 10 years because of all the physical pain I have. Food comforts my soul for just awhile. Have you asked the doctor if this is normal to not take any water or food by mouth? Maybe it will take awhile till everything heals inside. I pray that the results will be good. I don't want any more agony for Henry. Nor for you. You've had a lifetime of pain. I see & hear it time and again how we as adults are affected by our childhood. I had a loving upbringing. I know I was loved but their was also sickness & arguing in the house. It's part of life but things still bother me. I know there is Hell & many people fill it up. Especially anyone harming a child. I still can't believe the degrees of sickness in adults that abuse children. I wish I could've had children. I love them so much & just want to take care of them. Everyone always told me what a wonderful Mother I would be. It's way too late for me to adopt. I could never take care of a child now. My arms still ache when I see babies. Some people just don't deserve children. God bless you both. Your Thanksgiving will truly be thankful. You found someonw you love who loves you back.

  4. HOLY SHIT. That is all I can muster, HOLY SHIT. I am so sorry :(

  5. Hi Lana, thank you for updating us on how your husband is doing, I've been thinking of you both so much lately. I can't say I blame your husband, I think I would probably choose the same. But I can totally understand your wishes.

    After reading Shirley's answer for why you were not allowed to live with her, my heart sank immediately and I felt such pain, sadness, disgust, and anger. I'm so sorry for all that you have had to endure growing up. So much for such a little child to handle. I hope you are doing okay after hearing the info from Shirley.
    Sending you lots of love and support. G. xo

  6. Lana, Sweetheart, you continue to astound me. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you lately, but please know that not a day goes by that I don't pray for you and Henry. I am struggling with so many things right now and being assaulted from so many sides. Maybe the good thing is, that it will serve to increase my faith in the Lord, as he is the only one I have to lean on. Know that I love you guys and I am with you in spirit always.


  7. Somehow I was led here to your Blog, i'm a Clairvoyant and I have a message for you from Spirt, your book has to alternate from past to present. Change every other chapter and write about Love, incorporate the past into the presence. Writing about Love beauty, nature, peace, serenity, calm, and tranquility brings in the "Light". You're surrounded by so many Angels now, they want me to tell you to open up your heart and stay in the Present, the present is what will conquer the fear, the sadness, the heart, the pain and the lonliness. Connect more with nature, findthe beautythat lies in the earth and draw energy from it.

  8. what you feel is what you feel...and right now you feel a lot,wich is good!sometimes ,themind,the body need to write,to feel,to live the past to cleanse it once and for all!like a bit fire becoming ashes, life ain't always about birds and blue skies! I've been throught hell and back myself.beaten by a mentally hill,sexually (almost)abused by my father who was rude and angry...met some other mentally can we close the dawm circle of mentally ill? Normal people are rare today,but hey,once in a life time you meet,a normal dude! So,i am trully sorry that your life was hurt because of the mentally ill and mean people!and yes you need to say it ain't me it ain't my life!and i want my life back,no more drama! The pain will go while you write ,forever! It ain't fair,but you got love today! Love you.alexanna.

  9. i meant big fire...ho,don't let anyone discourage you of being feeling emotions,crying,being angry,being insecure.wich is normal for a human being to feel have a right to be are the one living your life and you are the one living in your body! You decide what's best for you...this is what i more controller people...they ain't living your life...better have a few true friends then a bunch of false friends...who want to decide for u...true love is the best to heal an unlove heals every things! Alexanna.

  10. After reading through your words here now Lana, I can say every hair on my body stood up and I felt an immense rush of terror, panic almost....the thought that you could be sold - YOU, ANY CHILD, another human being SOLD???? I know it happens, it happens a lot in Saudi - rich old men, disgusting, loathsome dirt-bags, with more money than they can count, buying in children from Pakistan and Indian villages/slums, telling the parents that their daughter will have a good life and be sent to school to be educated...those poor girls end up as sex slaves. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. Anyone who can sell a child deserves to rot in hell, just thinking about it makes me want to rip their faces off and I've never hit another human being in my entire life! So much evil.

    I shudder to think what may have happened to you were the Lord above not looking out for you, that the kind and beautiful woman we all love so much may not have been. No LanaIndiana.....?

    But there is so much good in this world too, as we all know here Lana and good does conquer over evil. I don't know what is going to come out next from your book, but what I do know is that I will love you and admire you more and more because of the determined and successful lady you are. I'm not just talking material success - I mean your emotional success, your strong personality, your survival instinct. It could have driven some people to insanity or the gutter, but you have endured emotional cruelty and heartache and came out the other side. In doing so, you show us all how important it is to never underestimate the power of the human mind, it what you will.

    Your dear Henry - you're doing the right thing by supporting him in his wish not to have any investigations until after the New Year. You both deserve the time out from all that - by delaying a scan, it doesn't alter much as Henry has made up his mind not to have further surgery and I completely understand him. He can concentrate on getting stronger, continuing his battle. Don't worry about Christmas being a challenge, enjoy your hospital-freedom together. Ok, so it will be a Christmas with a difference, but you have each other and your nearest and dearest will be more than satisfied with your company minus the feasting and partying......much love my dear Lana, :) xxxooo

  11. it takes a lot of courage to write about your past life!you have the right to tell it like it is!because this is what happened! Wrong place,wrong people,bad chance you didn't stay there all your life!you've been saved in a way,by moving from there i did great with your life,you've survived...many didn't have that force or chance!before saving the others ,you must save your self...this is what i've can only count on you in this life...and that's what you saved your self by continuing your life...keep on living,smilling,loving,cause this is what you trully are...a loving person who needs to be love and who need to love as well...when you are normal,you can trully love,cause you got a conscience..without conscience there ain't love...and that's the way it is u.alexanna.

  12. Lana, dear, I have no words. Except I love you.

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  14. You are so wonderful to put your husband's feelings before everything else!! I think and pray for you often, sending my love and positive energy!! I can't even begin to imagine the hell you endured as a child... You have such courage to share your story... We are all still here sending you and Henry all of our faith and love!!! From my heart to yours, Ria

  15. I hope I can one day be as good a wife as you Lana. Most people today think everything is all about them. What they want. What makes them happy. With no regard whatsoever to their spouse or kids. The fact you put your husband's feelings above your are a true wife. And a great person to look up to. :)

    Even without the turkey and trimmings, I hope you and yours have a happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully the New Year will bring bigger, better things for everyone.

  16. Oh my word. You have certainly been through it. No wonder you are so strong now.

    Hugs and kisses to you and hubbie. Let's hope next year is a great year for you both.

  17. Oh dear sweet Lana, That news from Shirley had to have sent your mind spinning with horrors--unspeakable. What kind of people even think of selling a child? And yet, it happens. Lana, God had an Angel who watched over you, to assure that this couple didn't find a buyer.

    You and Henry remain in my prayers. You are such a wonderful and compassionate soul. God bless you and Henry! Hugs,~Marilyn

  18. I'm sorry, as wonderful as your Shirley sounds, what on earth did she hope to achieve by telling you that piece of news? Did she know you are writing a book? If she does, then ok, perhaps she felt that piece of information would be important enough to be included.... but if she just wanted to get it off her chest?

    Sure, she sounds a real motherly type... but sometimes, Lana, some things are best left unsaid.

    Still sending hugs and prayers! Lou xxxx

  19. Hello Dear Lana.

    I do so admire your strength. I am sure Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be hard for you.

    I do have to agree with Louizalass...I cannot understand why Shirley would tell you this. Yes by all means tell you that you were wanted and loved...but then leave it there.

    My love to you and Henry

    Diana x

  20. Lana,

    I see others question Shirley's awkward moment to share gruesome details of your past.However perhaps Shirley lived in her own hell of knowing the grizzly details, trying to get custody of you and getting repeated responses of no. Fearing for what could happen and questioning "what can I do" or worse "What should I have done", "Did I do enough". No one is perfect but we all need to be there for each other in good and bad. I hope that you two stay in touch and work thru it together. It was a part of both of your lives. May all be Blessed this Thanksgiving and say a prayer for those in need.

  21. Just wanted to pop by, give you a big squishy hug, wish both yourself and your dear husband and your families ... and hope that you all enjoy a loving and warm Thanksgiving. I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me personally. All the very best to you all ... always. oxo Care

  22. Good god. "Sell you?"
    I do not know how you feel about knowing this information. I for one would appreciate knowing, even all those years later. I'm sure it was hard for her to carry around all these years. You had the RIGHT to know.
    Much love and strength as always to you and Henry!


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