Saturday, November 26, 2011

Chapter 5

The days seemed so dark for the next upcoming years. I wish I could forget as much as I remember. Writing this has been somewhat therapeutic but mostly painful. I write until I have to stop from the tears or the memories hurt like a physical pain. Most times I write a chapter in 10 minutes and cry for 20. 

I know I was and am not the only abused person in the world. 
I wish I could say that I was. 
Sadly, it is rampant. People like my husband can't comprehend it. He came from the most "Leave It To Beaver" family out there. His mom was always home to greet him after school. Had cookies baked,  dinner ready, clothes laid out for the next day. Both parents there for every school event etc.
Abuse? Child abuse?  He had never even heard of it before me.
If you suspect someone, know someone or you yourself are being abused, don't be afraid. You are not alone. People do care. Take Action!

If you are afraid your internet and/or 

computer usage might be monitored, 

please use a safer computer, and/or call 

the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 


I remember school was my lifeline.
I loved school. I was good at it. It was safe. No one hit you. No one sabotaged your food. No one there set out to humiliate you.

I think food was my main focus after leaving the orphanage. That and survival.
Barbara loved to either starve my sister and I or gorge us with food until we puked. Depended on her mood. Depended on the madness of her day.

We left the city and moved into one of Bob's parents' farm houses. They owned so much of the town we lived in. House after house on street after street. Also, two farm houses deep into the country. A long gravel road with very little traffic. The closest neighbor was a mile away. No one to hear. No one to see or  no one to report anything.

I would lie in bed of that two story house and dream of food. A piece of bread or a drink of milk. 
3 days with nothing to eat. The lock on the door wouldn't budge. A tin can of water by the door.
Which was worse? No food or too much food?

Barbara would heave her oversized body up the stairs and see me lying quiet, pretending sleep. Trying so hard to be so still. Willing my heart not to beat. My breath to stop. My eyes not to move at all behind my closed eyelids....

If she thinks I am asleep maybe she will go away! Barbara trekking all the way up the stairs could only mean one thing.....
I could feel her presence peering over me....

She would grab me up by my hair. Pulling and twisting.  Kicking and screaming in my face accuse me of stealing food from her!  
I probably didn't weigh 50 pounds. 
Her weight and breath all over me, she would drag me to the top of the stair case. It seemed like an eternity before we would reach the bottom.  Yanking and pulling my hair. Punching me as hard as she could in my face, my arms when chunks of my hair would come out in her hands. Kicking my skinny legs. Slamming me into the walls of the narrow stair way.  Each painful step of the way. Down each step.

"You stole my food!" she would scream.
Stole her food? I was locked away upstairs! 
Suddenly, hunger wasn't my focus. Now it was how to get beyond her latest tirade of the day.
"You just wait! You are really going to get it when I tell what you did." 
Think I would quake in fear of her? No. 
Fear came when Bob would get home and she knew it.  Real fear.
She was vile but Bob was 10 times worse in his rage.
"You dare to steal from me? You are garbage! I will teach you a lesson. You want my food. I will give you food, you miserable little bitch!"
With this she would slam me into the kitchen chair. Tie me to it with a cord around my waist. My hands free.
 While emptying out the refrigerator of a weeks worth of leftovers, she would slam bowl after bowl of ice cold potatoes, congealed green beans floating in hardened bacon grease, corn swimming in butter hard on the top like ice on a lake in winter. Stiff macaroni and cheese, old tough pieces of meat. Cold.  Anything edible, she flung it to the table. 
"You have 20 minutes to eat every bite or else," she would scream  into my face as she puffed on her cigarette clenched between her tiny brown teeth. 
"Or else" meant she would put the butt of her lit cigarette out on my arm or my stomach or my upper thigh. 
I chose to eat. 
Stuffing my face with an eye on the clock. Watching the seconds tick by.... 
At first the food was easy to eat. 
I was so hungry. 
Shoving it into my mouth. Barely chewing. Swallowing.
10 minutes in and I fought the urge to puke. 
"Eat it!"
"You had better eat every damn bite" she growled as she puffed away.  Her fat red face alight with happiness or was it madness at seeing me struggle to keep the food, her food down?
 The bright red stub of her cigarette would glow brightly next to me. Threatening me. I had felt the pain of it before. Many times.
The sizzle as it would burn flesh. The smell and pain. The scars. To this day you will never see me wear short sleeves from the scars. Daily reminders.

Fighting the urge to vomit and fearing the pain of the red hot cigarette....
Se would grab a handful of potatoes and shove them in my face.
"EAT IT!!!!!"
Eat it all!
Fear of the burns and the feeling of cold potatoes suffocating me up my nose and down my throat. With little warning,  I'd vomit all over the table. Into the bowls of food. Dripping down the table. Partially digested food and bile in puddles on the table and in the bowls. Mocking me. I knew what was coming. 

"Now you've done it! Now you will eat all of that too. You have one hour. You dare to vomit on MY table? You Eat It! All of it. 
Puke and all.
One Hour!"
The ashes dangling and about to drop as she grinds the glowing cigarette butt into my upper arm. I scream in pain. Burnt flesh. 
Black and ugly. 
Thankfully, she happily stomps off to watch her soaps for the next 2 hours....

The smell of it. I can still smell it. I can still taste it. 


  1. Lana, I have been reading for awhile now & I think it is about time I said...your words hit me with such magnitude that I have found myself sitting in front of my laptop weeping at times. Your strength is simply amazing. And by God, you will be blessed for all the wrongs that have been done to you & for all the curve balls life has thrown. I wish you nothing but continued strength & the knowledge of what a good, good person you have become. xo

  2. If reading this inspires ONE person to report abuse or leave an abusive husband, wife, boyfriend or parent then it is worth writing these painful memories.
    Hug your children. They are our future. Childhood is just a flicker of time in our lives but can leave such an impact.
    No matter how hard or impossible life may seem now, it can and will get better.
    I hope to inspire mother's to love and cherish their children. Be an example of how to love. An example of what a mother's love can be in their lives.
    My children were and are my life. I would take a bullet for anyone that I love.
    Thank you all for being here and for your support.

  3. I worked for Children's Protective Services and just Thursday one of my relatives was asking me about it. I can still recall with specific details some of the cases that stay with me even to this day - some 30 years later. No one can imagine how people could ever treat small defenseless children as property but they do. There are monsters out there. I'm sorry you had to live with two of them. You certainly didn't deserve that. I'm sure just like your husband, your own children had that kind of childhood too. . . xxxooo

  4. Lana.

    I would never wish anything bad on anyone...but, I know that what goes around, comes around. These people will get what is coming to them.
    Take care.

  5. no words except i love you! Thank god that you are alive to give and receive love today! Alexanna.

  6. I am not sure which was worse the beatings I endured or the mind games. My husband and I both decided the cycle ended with us and have never and would never lay a finger on our children. I can not understand what drives these people or how they sleep at night. You Lana are a shining example of all that is good in the world and I am truly blessed to have met you :0) xxxJoolsxxx

  7. crying out my eyes, how can people be so rude, so mean to innocent kids and how is it possible nobody notices? my respect for you is enourmous how you are today and how you choose to live is absolutely amazin, you are so strong and beautiful Lana. A big well meant hug xxxxx Julia

  8. It is so painful to read Lana, to imagine that you have gone through such torment and suffering at the hands of demonic people like Barbara and Bob. It makes me realise how blessed I was to have parents who loved me and just like Henry, had a mother who was there for me after school and catered for my every need. I do the same with my own children and don't understand how it is possible for a mother or any carer NOT to love and shower affection on children - it's the most natural thing in the world surely? To those of us that are normal, being anything other than protective and loving towards a child is unthinkable . I just marvel at who you are Lana, the beautiful, strong, kind and adorable lady that survived that torment and you are the complete opposite of the ugliness you had to endure as a child. You survived that, you came out the other end and came out shining! My heart bursts with pride and love for you Lana. :) xxxooo

  9. Lana:

    My heartfelt thanks for posting your story.

    I admire your strength, courage and openess. You are bringing awareness to child/wife abuse.

    Bless you.

  10. Lana, I am in shock at all you went through in your tiny little life. It is so hard to believe that someone didn't notice the marks on your arms. Did anyone ever see or ask about them? There was a little girl in our school that had marks on her hands and arms that looked like cigarette burns. CPS was sent to her house to check it out. The mom said it was some kind of skin rash she gets. They believed her. Shortly after that they moved away. I think of that little girl often and pray she is okay. I keep hoping your next chapter someone will save you and your family from this nightmare. So far the chapters just keep getting worse. I can't believe how much you have been through in your life. God bless you and all of your family.

  11. Oh Lana... Bless your sweet little (big) heart. I have no words.
    RMarie (LoveThemAnyway)

  12. one pocket of the vest i was wearing was broken a little.where were you?what happened to your pocket?tell me the truth! What happened to your pocket.that day she went crazy! Beaten,she almost strangled me,put me in hot water,took a vase and knocked me with it!by chance,my father said,you will kill her,stop! Bump on my head,blood,went to sleep,went to the bath room to clean my head,went back to sleep affraid she'll came back to kill me.theday after,calm,she repaired the father,her husband,should had take her to the the body need doctors,thebrains needs doctors too.themore normal person must take responsability when something is wrong,to protect the kids...guess he was not enought normal to see that it was not normal...that i almost died that day.because someone was sick in her brain,and she was not treated...need pills to heal the brain?if you see a child being abused like that.take responsability by bringing her or him to the doctors ,they need help,even if they say ,i'm fine,wich ,they always say...

  13. all of her life has been destroy by her sickness.poor,isolated from the society,she doesn't see her two daughter anymore...she stays with her cats...she's too paranoiac to see us...she thinks we will place her...when we were just there for her...she needed a doctor,some pills to stop those episodes of paranoia...that's all.i lost my mom,cause she was sick,and needed help...i saw her till my middle thirthy's.then she stoped,seeing me,cause the mental illness took overher brain.she became more paranoiac and isolated her self with her cats...i miss her normal,funny brain...i did love her,when she was normal,when she had no episodes...only in heaven,she'll know that she was not normal and hurted people...only in heaven she will know that her brain had a u.alexanna.

  14. Dear God, Lana, how did you ever survive it all? I guess you had no choice, you survive one day, then the next, and string them into weeks and months and years, then you're free to make your own life. But how do you overcome?

  15. Dear Lana,
    I am waiting for the day that you tell us how you were rescued from that hell house. I've never known anyone who was abused like you and your siblings were. I can't even imagine what it was like for you to live like that, to be treated worse than an animal. Barbara and Bob must have been possessed by a demon to put all that evil on you and your sibs. God will revenge you some day you can count on it and He hates child abusers the most. I am also waiting for the day you tell us how you managed to overcome this experience in your life. You would never know from watching you on your videos that you were so severly abused. God bless you and He did by giving you a strong will to survive. My heart goes out to you dear Lana. May your troubles be few. (((♥)))

  16. Lana I hope you do help someone somehow by your story to get out of an abusive relationship or to even tell someone they trust. I know it's not easy for you to to write about this painful part of your life but I thank you cause I just know you are helping someone by doing so. I will never understand how someone could be so evil to innocent children. You are very blessed to have overcome such horrific circumstance. May you continue to be blessed in your life.

  17. Oh Lana,
    I have been watching your videos for some time now and started reading your blogs about what your husband is going through. Our prayers are with him, you and your family. You are such and amazing writter Lana. Reading this brings up so much of my's scary. It's hard for me to see what you went through since it's very similar to my childhood. Use your past to help others....may the Lord use you to give others strenght and hope. Thanks again for your words.

  18. Dearest Lana - You were right, none of us were ready for the Hell in Chapter 4 and 5. I have watched you and followed you for some time and can't the believe the WONDERFUL person you are today came from that past...

    I have not been blessed yet to meet you in person, but my heart goes out to you and has thru all your recent struggles at home and now reading about your past.

    You are beautiful in every way and I am so grateful for the person you are and hope you and your husband will be blessed with health, peace and tranquility very soon.

  19. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.. I may have to show this to some people who think they had it tough growing up. Make them appreciate their lives a little more. I know your story has helped change my way of thinking. The fact you can go on with your life now with a smile on your face is proof that anything can be overcome. I heart you lady! Big time.

    As for those monsters.. I feel bad for them. To never know what it means to love. To never have love. I can't imagine treating anyone, much less an innocent child that way. I hope for their sake they begged for forgiveness from whatever God they believe in. Although now that I think about it, people like that couldn't possibly have faith in anything that isn't pure evil.

  20. Where are these abusive people now - are they still alive? I certainly hope they are in prison if they are alive. People who torture and abuse children are psychopaths - the worst kind of evil - they have no conscience and are criminals.

  21. I once said that your greatest gift is your capacity for joy. But after reading this, I think your greatest gift is your voice.

  22. Jesus Christ Lana!What kind of people hurt children?This sounds like a bad horror movie.It's so sad that something like this can happen in the modern world.But why didn't you report them to a teacher or some friend from school?Are they alive now?Are they in prison?

  23. Oh my goodness, Lana. Reading this makes me want to cry my eyes out. I wish I could hug you! With much love,~Marilyn

  24. I hope God makes me think of all you endured and yet conquered, every time I complain about my life.

  25. When your bio Mother and you reconnected - did she ever learn of what she had caused?

  26. This breaks my heart, it breaks my heart. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I wish I could have taken you away when you were a little girl. I am amazed at how you have love in your life and that you did not let them take away your entire life. xoxo Jeanie

  27. I hate everyone who ever hurt you. How did you turn out so nice? Love you Lana.


  28. I'm so sorry, Lana, my heart breaks for you :( All my love, Ria

  29. Wow, Lana, my heart breaks for what you went through, and I send you much love. Reading your post made me feel all too familiar emotions. I felt like I could explode with rage at that awful woman... felt like I could kill her with my bare hands. Before the rage came up, I felt an adrenaline surge when you described how you were pretending to sleep... to put off what you knew was coming. I know that fearful feeling but didn't go through anything close to what you did. Being whipped as a child definitely damaged me emotionally. I wish I could give you a hug.

  30. Why God, why?

    Love you & millions of hugs & kisses.

  31. No wonder it meant so much to you to advocate for children. I'm thankful there are people like you to offer their love and protection to those who cannot fight for themselves. I'm so sorry your stepmonster was nuts. I have no children but have one stepdaughter. I wanted her so much. Someone to mother. I loved it. I wish you had attained someone in your life who wanted to mother as much as you needed a mother. Love you dear one. Kim

  32. There's so many people around the world that endure abuse, whether it's physical, sexual, emotional, but you set a perfect example that there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I hope someone out there that's in a similar situation finds the courage to get help. I think you have a beautiful heart and you're very fortunate to have made it through such a horrific chapter in your life. I wish you and your family loads of health and happiness. Big warm hugs to the inner child within you. Miriam

  33. Lana, I first discovered you on youtube, and I stumbled upon your blog in search of the teeth whitening gel info...then I clicked onto this most recent page....I have to say you are a brave women for sharing your story. I too had a very abusive and poverty stricken upbringing and like your husband my husband only has heard my stories but can not relate. It's so hard sometimes for him to get why the little things like just having fresh fruit sitting in a bowl on the counter can make me so happy...even though I may not even touch it...just as long as it's there..I think you may get what I trying to say...anyway thank you for being you and being so candid. I really have never shared my past with anyone but my husband, and he marvels at me that I am a sane person and have come out successful and living an abnormally happy life. God bless you, your beauty comes from within and radiates!

    -Farrah Mayleigh

  34. Lana you are amazing. I have enjoy watching your videos on you tube for quite some time, very informative and fun.
    I am so sorry to hear about your husband and now after reading about your childhood it just makes me appreciate you even more. You are a good and caring person don't ever change.
    BTW I hope Bob and his wife really got what was coming to them 1000x over.

  35. ((((((((((( Lana ))))))))))

    words fail me...

    Diana xx

  36. Hey Sweetness, love your Christmas decorations. Give Henry a hug for me.

    Okay, lets get some candles and prayers going for Lana and Henry right here:

  37. Come on ladies, join me in lighting some candles and saying some prayers for Lana and Henry, this Christmas season.

  38. Warm hugs for you and Henry dearest Lana and my prayers know no end for both of you. You are such an amazing woman Lana - everyone here loves you so much and I send you the biggest, fattest cyber hug I can muster. Love you, love you sweetheart. :) xxxooo

  39. Lana, after reading this chapter & of course the previous ones... my heart aches for you. What keeps me ok is that I know you've turned into a WONDERFUL lady after all you've been through. I love how you stay so positive. God bless you and Henry and know that you have people that absolutely love and adore you and are praying for you both. Btw love watching your videos b/c you just crack me up with your silliness. Happy holidays!!! Xoxo

  40. Wow Lana that is awful, how did you get out? that is horrible,I am happy your life is nothing like that anymore, and it hurts to see that, because you are such an amazing woman, this will help so many people, I really think you should write a book on this, thank you for taking the time to tell people your story.

  41. Oh Lana, I've just been reading your posts, I feel ill and fighting back tears for you and your sister and your mother. From the very bottom of my heart I feel for you all and can't believe you had to live this nightmare. The tears have one now. You poor sweet darlings, how I wish none of this were true, that you never had to endure this living nightmare. Tender hugs to you our lovely lovely Lana. xoxo


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