Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Flying By the Seat of My Pants

I am writing this since my publisher wants MY story from the beginning.
My beginning didn't begin with YouTube or my husband getting a horrible disease called Cancer.
My story begins some 50 years earlier...
Hang on.
This may be a bumpy ride.


Chapter One


My first recollection as a kid was of being a happy one.
I remember people would always call me "Smiley." I loved everyone.
We were poor but smiles and hugs and laughter were free!
I was four years old.
Life was good. Life was fun. 
We lived near downtown small town Indiana where there were candy stores and pet shops and movie theaters on every corner of cobbled brick streets. We ran these streets and we had fun. 
We were together.
I had my big brother and big sister and my superbly beautiful Mom.
I remember that we moved. 
A lot.
One dark wintery night a very tall man came to our small cramped apartment that we had just moved to months before.
He wanted something. I assume it was rent money.
My beautiful Mom was crying. Three small kids, rent to pay and a limited grasp of the English language. 
He sat in a chair that was way too small for him. He scared me. The radiator hissing scared me but my mom was crying and HE was the reason why.
Why wouldn't he just go away?
Why does this ugly old man make my Mommy cry?
He's sitting here in our dismal living room on a too small chair looking so stern and angry in his ugly dark suit and glasses.
Go away!
I can make him stop looking at my Mom with his eyes so mean. I can!
I will.
I open the closet door and it creaks on it's rusty hinges. His cold eyes slither over to me.
I open the door wider. Staring at him. My eyes locked on his face. Daring him to keep watching. Wider. That's it. Keep your eyes right here, mister. 
I open the door even wider and at the top of my lungs I yell, competing with the screech of the rusty hinges straining to open the heavy door as I pull the knob.
"Stop barking you big watch dogs! There is a man out here that you can bite if you want. Bite him hard! Bite him before he leaves. 
He's leaving SOON!"
My eyes never leave his face. 
He is staring at me. 
My imaginary dogs must be scaring him, my 4 year old mind thinks. Ha!
His head shakes as he keeps his eyeballs on me standing in an empty closet doorway, dirty pajamas, threatening him with big, mean, imaginary dogs.
He stands up.
He looks at me as he tells my Mom... 
"You have 3 days to get the rent money or you are out on the street and your crazy kids too. Oh, and we don't allow "dogs" in here.
Money or Get Out!"
I stick my tongue out at his retreating back as he slams out the apartment door.
Ya! He's gone.
I curl up in my moms lap as she cries.
"You did good, Lana. You scared that man away" she tells me in her heavy accent as she wipes her eyes and a small smile appears on her perfectly red lipsticked mouth.
I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. She was my beautiful mom.
2 Days later we were moving again....
This time we moved to an even older, smaller, rougher house where neighbor kids ran wild and the wind was the only thing that whipped down the dark dirty streets.
We moved into the upstairs of a duplex apartment that was in such a bad state no one else would rent it. 
I would wake up many nights and hear  my Mom crying in the other room to The Platters singing "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" playing on the scratchy record player and it was always a sign my mom would end up all night in tears.  Sobbing. I would get up from the bed I shared with my brother and sister and rubbing my eyes would curl up on her lap in hopes of helping to make the tears stop. What made these words make her cry so much? If the song is so bad, why listen to it, my 4 year old thoughts would say.


They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
Oh, I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied 



They said someday you'll find
All who love are blind
Oh, when your heart's on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I can not hide
Oh, so I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes
Smoke gets in your eyes 



It would be before the next move, the next apartment, the next angry landlord's visit that my mom would leave and I'd not see her for years. 
No imaginary dogs could keep her here.
No crazy little girl's desperation moves could stop the train that was about to roll over us all.....

77 comments:

  1. OMG Lana! You have such an art with writing. I want more, can't wait to read it! I can almost feel weight lifting off your shoulders as you write. It just seems like its such a relief for you to get it out and let it go! Keep it up. I feel that it is very good for you. You are always on my mind. My best wishes are always with you!
    Peg~

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  2. I love the way you write you have a gift :0) xxxJoolsxxx

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  3. Oh please write more!
    Chapter 2
    That little girl in you is so strong. No wonder you love so deep.
    I love you Lana. I really love you

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  4. Not surprising that you were raised by a strong woman and even back then you were a fighter. Money is nice and it helps but it doesn't buy the important things in life :)
    ~jushave2say (youtube name)

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  5. Ok, seriously Lana........ could you be more beautiful and talented. I have a very special place in my heart for you!! xoxoxox Natalie

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  6. OMG Lana!
    My computer is acting up, something is seriously up with resolution but I do not care.
    All blurry and out of focus, this is the best blog post ever!
    Please keep writting.
    *off to get my eyes put back into my head*
    Cheers!
    xo
    mqs

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  7. Lana, you write so beautifully! I can see now where you got your strength from. You were such a brave little girl because you had to be. You grew into a very strong woman, the woman who helped her lifemate through the worst time in their lives. Can't wait to read more. Lots of love and big hugs... Vickie

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  8. I was called Miss Mary Sunshine :) I cant wait til the next chapter

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  9. Everyone has a story that will break your heart. I'm glad you are writing yours. xxxooo

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  10. Lana, I love your style of writing. I can't wait for chapter 2. xoxo

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  11. Just keep writing, the story needs to be told.

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  12. Looking forward to the rest, Lana! xo

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  13. Keep writing Lana,tell your story for the whole world to hear.

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  14. Wow, this is so captivating. Lana, you do have a story to tell and I cannot wait to ready more! Thinking of you and Henry! xoxo Jeanie

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  15. You are one very talented lady Lana, with a wonderful story to tell and lots of avid fans and adoring friends who are impatient to read more and more.....please continue, please go on sweetheart. Lots and lots of love to you and special hugs for Henry. Leyla :) xxxooo

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  16. I remember from you YouTube videos that you had a bad childhood. I always wondered what happened. Your writing is wonderful. I feel like I'm right there with you. I'm looking forward to more of your story. I really believe as you write you might feel much better. I really hope you keep this up. You have a definite talent. How's Henry felling? I'm still keeping him in my prayers. God bless you both.

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  17. Lana, I love the way you write. I was always reading a book as a little girl. I still love to read. They became my friends when the kids I went to school with bullied me. To this day, a good book can take me away from things that are too depressing or stressful. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. And God Bless You and Henry. I'm hoping he's feeling better and stronger every day.

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  18. I love the way you write. SO real. Can't wait until you update

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  19. I knew that you have a rough life by being a "fan" of yours for a while. I'm glad that you are writing about it. I just feel that I want to take that "fierce" little 4 year old and comfort her. But what a smart little girl you were to make up attack dogs. Quick thinking!

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  20. Beautifully written, Lana. I cannot wait for your book to come out. I love reading things like this, as I can imagine the scenery with every beautifully thought out word that is written.

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  21. Wow u are an amazing writer and such a genuine person. I can't wait to read your book

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  22. Oh, my goodness!!! ...and?????

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  23. Fantastic beginning, I can't wait to read your book. You continue to inspire me every day. Thank you so much for just being you. Do you ever tell us where your mom was from or what happened to your dad?

    Please light your candle for Lana and Henry here:
    http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=LI

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  24. Such a fighter even at the age of four Lana, I lived through the fifties and it was a hard time with both parents. They split before I was a teenager and myself and four sister stayed with my Dad. I was a very lucky child because my dad was a wonderful man and worked hard for us. Your book will brake my heart, more than it would if I had not known the writer. You turned out a wonderful lady Lana, you are a roll model despite the long hard road you came from. I can't wait for your book ... Much love to you and Henry and God bless ...Margaret x x

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  25. Lana,
    Congratulations on having a publisher! It's going to be a great book. Do you know Henry's story, too? If not, maybe you could "interview" him. As a memoirist, I've found that men may scoff at the idea of telling their life story, but once you ask them a few questions, they are off and running!
    All the best,
    Cathryn

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  26. P.S. My son's name is Henry, too. He is a fine young man and I'm very proud of him!

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  27. My lovely Lana...you are such an inspiration! I've been watching your YouTube videos & I'm just about to the last one and find myself being sad because I don't want them to end. I feel like you are my personal friend, confidant, and great role model. I just adore you!!! I've also been reading your blogs some funny and some sad. I will continue to keep you & Henry in my prayers. Great 1st chapter & can't wait to read the rest of your whole life story. You are an amazing beautiful women Lana. May God continue to bless you and keep you strong. (((BIG HUGE HUG))) Take care my friend & THANK YOU for sharing your life with me. ;)

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  28. Lana, your writing style is a true gift, one of your many gifts! Today's blog entry has me wanting to read more. I want to see how you got from this little girl to the wonderful woman you are today!

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  29. Lana you are such an amazing beautiful person...you make life seem so much more meaningful and you are one of the nicest people I have ever come across (we may never meet) but just rest assure you are an inspiration to a lot of people. Keep up your amazing amazing work and never get down on yourself...you have a HUGE extended family and we love you and are always thinking of you.

    -Brian

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  30. Lana - I already thought you were absolutely amazing woman but when I learn more about you I know you are even more incredible than I realized. Your book will be amazing and such an inspiration to so many people. Wow is all I can say.

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  31. OMG - Just read the comment above mine. How different can you get. Obviously someone who hasn't "known" you very long, or at all. Of course, they remain anonymous....

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  32. To the idiot that posted the hate filled message above Libby's^

    You are a moron. Not once in any video or blog post have I witnessed any crybaby behavior. Can you read?
    Her publisher wants her backstory.
    This is exactly why I hate jealous rude people. They ruin it for all of the others that have a real interest in others' lives.
    Keep your rude insecurities to your self.
    Write it all, Lana. Don't let people like this dumbass discourage you.
    They would like nothing more than for you to go away because they obviously can't read let alone write an entire book!
    Gretchen

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  33. To anonymous who posted at 3:31pm....Wow really??...Are you serious? All I have to say is GOD BLESS YOU!!! Your life must be a Misery! I feel sorry for you! And you know what? You're not worth anyones time! Enjoy your life and remenmber you'll have to answer to God! Pathetic & sad!!!

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  34. LOL. Looks like someone wanted/couldn't get a book deal.
    Jealous much?
    Is that natneagle posting up there at 3:31?

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  35. (((Lana)))) I was reading some of your comments after I posted mine. Please overlook the cruel things that some people have written. They must not understand that to have turned out to be the strong, beautiful woman that you are--Had it's beginnings long ago. You are only laying the groundwork, by telling your story of the way your life was when you were young. All of it comes together to make you who you are today. You are beautiful, loving, caring, strong and extremely kind. You are also a fighter. That fighting spirit has helped Henry to survive.

    Please don't allow negative comments to dissuade you. Keep writing, Lana. You must tell it all--no matter who may not like it. You are greatly loved and admired! I can't wait to read your book. Big hugs,~Marilyn

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  36. Thanks Moonchime, you've helped me to make my point..... I just love you, kisses hugs, smooch smooch. You too are beautiful,loving, caring and strong and kind. - big big big hugs n kisses

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  37. People are sad. To the person who said its not happening to her you've either never been close to someone with cancer or are to bitter to look past your experience. My husband had cancer and while it was the worst thing to happen to him it also wa the worst thing that happened to me. I pray that all these people who are trying to add to Lana's hurt go away and let those who love her, love her.

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  38. Dear anonymous who loves to write cruel things?

    What is so terrible in your life that you feel the need to lash out at others who are enduring their own battles? I am sorry that you have a very unhappy life and feel the need to say hateful things to Lana who is sharing a very dark, painful time in Henry's AND HER life. This cancer effects him yes, but it does effect her as well. She is in as much pain mentally as he is physically. Have you ever watched someone you love to the moon and back suffer from something as grueling as cancer? If so, I think you'd have a little bit of an idea of how she is feeling.

    You need lots of prayers. You are obviously a very troubled, unhappy person. I pray that Jesus casts light into your life and helps you to find the goodness in your heart to be compassionate towards other people.

    I will pray for you.

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  39. Funny how negative comments are always left as "anonymous". If you believe in your opinion so strongly then own it. Don't hide behind your computer. Claim the cruel words. If you can't own up then just back down.

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  40. So, you must be one and the same person that criticizes me daily on my channel for shopping and laughing and having fun?
    Sorry to inform you...
    I AM NOT SICK!
    I do take care of and concentrate on my husband in more ways than you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams.
    Please keep in mind that I am not sick! Someone as closed minded as you would have me, the caretaker sit and look at 4 walls all day long.
    Sorry, but again. I am not sick!
    I have given all I have to keep my husband as well as he is today. He loves and appreciates me as I do him.

    As I stated at the beginning of Chapter One I explained (had you bothered to take the time to read) my publisher wants MY story.
    I first began writing this blog was after my husband was diagnosed. I was searching for ANY one that had been thru this especially a spouse. Someone to explain to me the ins and out. The good and the bad. What to do and what to expect.
    I found nothing.
    I write this blog to help others and also to help myself.
    If this bothers you, please accept my apologies.
    I am ok with this blog.
    My husband is ok with this blog.
    Hopefully, others going thru this will be ok with this blog too.
    My story is MINE.
    I am not a crybaby.
    I am a SURVIVOR.
    PS. You have motivated me to write more! It is my therapy.
    Thanks

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  41. What a weak and pathetic person this nasty poster is.. Bitterness and ugliness in a person is so unflattering. Lana, please ignore this person. You have so many of us that love you and are praying for both you and Henry. Please continue to share your story with us!!!! To the poster: it's easy to hide behind a computer screen and be a coward and say things that no normal person would say.
    Courbry (YouTube name) / Tammy

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  42. @5:19 pm.
    Bottom line. You're an asshole.
    Take your cruel heart and snippy remarks somewhere else.
    Have some compassion and respect. Someday this could be you!
    For your sake I hope not.
    SMFH

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  43. Lana, I have not critisized you on your channel ever. Last time I looked for a video there was nothing new there at all (or is that even a "channel", I'm not sure about all that). Also alot of ppl here seem to think I made comments that I did not make. There is more than one annonymous poster in here. I do take ownership of ALL my comments which were posted at 1:20, 1:57, 5:12 and 5:19. I want you to know I am not cruel and have only spoken my own thoughts here like everyone else. I have not made comments calling you a "hag", "crybaby" & other crap like that which I do think are uncalled for. I didnt realize there was only one line of thought allowed by your followers here. Guess I will call myself Little Red Hen from now on as I am apparently going to be pecked to death for speaking an idea different from the other pecking hens in here. Good luck to you Lana.

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  44. Is Annonymous Little Red Hen calling us a bunch of peckers?

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  45. @annonymous (6:17 pm): WHAT...You are not "Cruel"??? Lol!!! So why the harsh words such as ..."poor little perfect you", WTF are you thinking", using all caps to emphasize a few of the "YOU" words, "you get your ego stroked", "you are an attention seeking person", "crawl down off that cross", you are rediculous", "Barbie doll world"...did I forget any other CRUEL things you wrote to her? Yes you are entitled to your own opinion/comment /thoughts whatever you want to call it but it's unnecessary to be so mean, distasteful, & rude. If you are a believer of God then treat others as you would like to be treated. Im sure you could've said what you wanted to with a better choice of words. God Bless you. ****Lana you are one amazing lady!!!**** We all know how much you absolutely LOVE your husband & want to be able to spend many many many more years with him! You don't need to explain anything to these people. Keep writing & doing what you do best and that's LOVING & ADORING your husband & family .... & of course us your true Subs! My best wishes & I'll continue to pray for Henry, you & your family. <333

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  46. Lana I just want Anonymous to know that this week alone I have called The New Jersey State Polices cyber crimes unit and two people from the internet who were cyber stalking a kid have been dealt with...the net is no longer anonymous asshole.

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  47. Well Miss Mary Sunshine tell me, what is the policy of the New Jersey State Police Cyber Crimes Unit on dirty-mouthed swearing, name calling and threats against others? Stop abusing and threatening me or I will call the FBI. :)

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  48. Dearest Lana, You don't have to justify yourself TO ANYONE, least of all cowardly, jealous people who seem to get some kind of sick kick out of trying to put others down or make them seem small. The greatest thing you can do sweetheart is ignore their future comments and yes....use the jealousy and venom from them as your fuel to remain tenacious about your book writing. You go girl! Lots and lots of love and prayers for you and dear Henry. Leyla xxxooo

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  49. What kind of sick human goes to a blog and wishes death and dying on a sick man and criticizes his wife?
    Lana, please delete these evil comments. Don't allow the devil to come here and have a platform to spew hate.
    We that love you, love you. Those that don't can go fcuk themselves.
    This is YOUR blog, our therapy, your husband, your life.
    I think you hit a nerve on someone that is blind with jealousy.You have so much going for you and they obviously do not.
    btw. I am anonymous b/c I cant make an account on here for some reason.
    Keep writing
    -Donna

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  50. Oh dear sweet beautiful Lana. I agree with all the other good people here who love you so much. We need your beautiful light. I adore you and feel like the others that you are my therapy of sunshine and gumdrops everyday. Please please, when is chapter 2 going to be finished. What happens next?

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  51. Lana I'm so sorry for the mean things people have said to you here on your blog. You have brought so much insight into my life and have truly taught me so much about the tenderness of the heart. You share so much of yourself and dont deserve any difficulties at this hard time of your life. You are suffering enough & I pray for you & your husband. You are doing a wonderful job God Bless xxxx

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  52. Anonymous,
    You must live one pathetic life. If Lana, her story, or her husbands story bother you so much why keep coming back to read what she has to write? Because you have nothing else to do with your miserable time you spend alone in your parents basement? Get over yourself and get off your own high horse.
    While you're at it, you should "prolly" learn to spell.

    Lana you are beautiful both inside and out. Your story has touched me and I'm sure so many others. Keep writing and letting your lovely soul shine!

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  53. Keep it up dumbass
    Lana just owned your ass on Twitter.
    LOL

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  54. OH Lana, please dont listen to these people.
    You are a sweetheart and you give so much to the world. I love you Lana, I really really do.

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  55. Anonymous, is there no end to your jealousy and your hate? Lana must be really getting to you for you to keep coming back to visit her blog, what other reason would you have? You know just as well as the rest of us that Lana won't go anywhere but UP!! Success makes success but I doubt you'd have a clue about that. Lana wasn't given the good life on a platter, she worked damned hard for it as did her husband and bear in mind that had she been any less than the well-grounded, down to earth lady that she is, she could easily have become a 'lady who lunches' rather than stay in the real world and WORK at her job as a flight attendant.

    If you haven't got anything positive to say, why bother to say anything at all, didn't you learn anything at all from life? Jealousy is an ugly and destructive trait - I hope you manage to sort yourself out because you sure as hell don't belong here - you are a misfit. A rancid, rotting misfit.

    I guess you'd know what wrinkly is really like - you're more bitter than a lemon and I hate to imagine what you even look like. Beauty is more than skin deep - model yourself on Lana, learn from that lady and enjoy your life. Imagine if we all had an ugly heart like yours, what a world it would be.....

    And like Donna, I'm coming up as anonymous because I can't sort out an account without the laptop here misbehaving, but I always write my name.

    Love you so much dear sweet Lana, hugs from Leyla :) xxxooo

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  56. I do not like the comments here discussing "when Lana's husband dies" etc. It's totally indecent. pleaswe stop this nonsense and leave us alone. if you dont lke the story then go away. I am a follower of lana and enjoy what she brings to the table ans so do many ohter peopl.

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  57. And for the record........Lana's husband is not dying. HE IS BATTLING AN ILLNESS!!! Leyla.

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  58. Lana,
    This woman is bordering on stalking you.
    Contact Blogger and report her. Get her iP address.
    It can be done. Do it!
    The horrible things she is writing about your husband are making all of us sick that read it.
    I tried to contact them on your behalf but it has to come from YOU.
    Saying the things about your poor husband pushes it to a hate crime.
    Please, for the love of God, report this evil person!
    - Donna

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  59. OMG, see I mean (really) I dont say things like that to you Lana. I may mess around with you a bit but I truly do not have a mean thought against your husband. He is fighting the brave fight & deserves support and love from everyone. The above noted anonymous is giving other anonymous people a bad name.

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  60. Whoa. That's some sick stuff to say. Sometimes, I'm just amazed at the amount of vitriol and hate that people have against others. @Anonymous 1:16, you really are a sad person.

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  61. Oh my Lana...seems 'anonymous" is a bully indeed. I have seen that kind before~ Lana you do not need to participate in this rubbish..we all KNOW the truth and your beautiful heart. Hey,,perhaps this bullying can be written into your life story and you can benefit from it...hummmm...I get strength from you Lana and other here whom appreciate each others ups and downs. Cheers to you and Henry and all the supporters. I'll see you at the book signing!!

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  62. To the anonymous women who posted she is a christian but acts and says things like this so hurtful. Ok if you are a christian truly. Doesn't it say not to judge least ye be judged. What you are doing is judging Lana. It also talks about compassion. You are not showing that as well. I think it is time you got look in the mirror and really think about what you are doing. Can you really say you are showing the love of Christ. I think not.

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  63. You know what guys, I have noticed the more we write to defend Lana the more this person writes and I see the more hateful the letter get. Lets just ignore this person from here on. She will have nothing to comment on. We need to just focus on Lana and giving her our support. I love her story and will read all she writes. She gives us all hope. That person is so jealous that she has money. My word, I have nothing and I mean nothing. But I am so happy for Lana. I am glad she has a good life, she deserves it. I pray daily for you both and I know Henry is going to be fine. He is recovering not dieing.
    Love you Lana

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  64. You know what Joni? You are so right. Looks like we have ourselves some rats come up from the sewers that have learned to type and are trying to be petty keyboard warriors. Success, faith, beauty, inspiration, integrity and happiness are their worst enemies (to name a few) and unfortunately for them, our dear sweet Lana has all of those and a whole lot more. Bless you Lana. Heart felt hugs, Leyla :) xxxooo

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  65. wtf! 3.41
    You need some serious mental help.

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  66. Report the idiots and then delete their comments....don't give them a voice here. They are not worthy of it.

    Hugs and continued prayers to you and Henry.

    Sandee (I have no shame in letting y'all know who I am....unlike others!)

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  67. I hadn't been a subscriber of yours for very long, and I watched your videos off and on, but one day, one of your videos caught my eye. I couldn't believe it.

    An orphanage? This wonderful, funny, classy, gorgeous, well to do woman grew up in an orphanage?? I was so surprised, and I watched the video several times, and realized that beneath the blonde hair and makeup was a woman I was inspired by, and not just because of that but everything you have been through in your life.

    I thought my childhood was hell, but I thought if Lana came go through so much and still be such a strong, funny, and caring person, then so can I.

    I have since watched every video you have made and read every blog post you have written, and you continue to be an inspiration to me. You and Henry continue to be in my daily prayers. Love to you both! Vividsmile1 from Youtube.

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  68. Hi Lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us all, you are a truely inspiring woman. Weather it's about your husband, make-up, listening to you chatting in your vlogs, twitter, everything, you can just see how much of a beautiful person you are!
    God bless
    Annie xxx
    - GLAM0URdol on youtube

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  69. Please let us have Chapter 2 soon.

    All the best to you and your hubbie!

    xxxxx


    Suzi

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  70. I am happy that this is a book you are writing, I plan to write a book on my life as well one day and what happened to me, thank you for sharing your story. stay strong! and prayers to your husband! =)

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  71. This book is going to be one to remember!

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  72. I just saw that you posted a lot of chapters of you book. Started reading it, it is so good. Can't wait to read them all. Hope everything is alright with you and your husband. Miss you.

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  73. I would love to hear more from Lana, it seems she has been MIA, I had just found her on youtube and started following her, she seems so sweet and I love her personality, which brought me here. Does anyone know how her husband is doing? Wendy

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